Hello, from a new member needing advice and support

[pinkfreud]

Hi everyone

 

I have recently found out that my partner has asperger's. We have been together for three years and the last two have been hell. He is a very intelligent and hardworking individual who is fantastic at dealing with the practical things and finances. He is very loving and always tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. I thought I had found the perfect man until he began taking over my life. He has been very controlling and everything has to be done his way or he gets very angry and shouts and insults me. I have been on anti depressants because my life was not my own anymore. I began to really dislike him and have threatened to leave him if he does not stop this.

 

I was at the end of my tether and was contemplating leaving when we discovered from his parents that he has had problems since childhood. He has done a test online and we have been over and over the criteria in the DSM for aspergers. We both have no doubt that he has aspergers and he has told me things about how his life is affected by certain rituals and insecurities. He cant cope with uncertainties or untidiness. I am by nature very laid back and not one for strict routines. I have an artistic temperament and can be messy and disorganized. I could go on but for now I would like to know if any of you have any advice on support for couples like us. I have been in touch with NAS OASIS and many others. We have already been to relate and this has not helped. There does not seem to be any provision for couples counselling for people who have aspergers in our area. I am looking at cognative behavioural counselling and feel this may be the way forward. I am at present training to be a counsellor but find that my psychodynamic/person centred approaches are not suitable for him because they are all about getting in touch with feelings.

 

This may sound selfish but I want to try and find a way to make him feel happy and relaxed without having to become someone else. I have made a lot of changes for him already and have never done so much cleaning in all my life. I think that he needs to work with me and understand that I have needs too. We have both suffered in this relationship and I am so tired of rows and misery. Is it possible to be me and still make him happy?

 

Any advice or personal experiences you are willing to share with me would be gratefully received.

 

Thankyou for taking the time to read my post.

 

PinkFreud

[Mumble]

Hi and welcome to the forum. I am an adult with an ASD.

 

Can you try to think back to what attracted you to him initially and focus on this - what has changed since and can you communicate this to him (in writing if easier)?

 

In terms of therapy - he needs to want this rather than (or as well as) you - and if you're looking at CBT, this may have to be individually adapted to work with someone on the autistic spectrum which can be difficult to find.

 

Try looking in the 'Beyond Adolescence' sub-forum as there's lots in there about couples.

 

One thing:

 

I have recently found out that my partner has asperger's.

From your post, this seems to be a self-dx which is not actually a dx of AS so it would be accurate to say you suspect your partner to have Aspergers - whilst looking into this you need not to rule out other things going on by only seeing what you believe it to be.

 

 

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult with AS. I am currently reading a book called Aspergers in Love by Maxine Ashton. She is a Relate counsellor who works with couples where one has AS. The book is based on 41 couples, most of them the man is the one who has AS. A lot of the non-AS partners talk about similar issues to you, where their AS-partner is very controlling. With or without a formal diagnosis, it might be useful for you to read. She seems to think that understanding Aspergers (for BOTH partners) can go a long way toward solving relationship problems.

[baddad]

Hi pinkfreud - welcome to the forum.

 

It really does sound like your relationship is in crisis, but whether that has anything to do with your partners AS or not (if he has AS) is a very big question.

 

You say that your relationship 'worked' for the first year - that in many ways your partner appeared the perfect man until he started taking over your life... If you think about it, that's not really indicative of behaviours that are spontaneous or uncontrolled - either those 'control' impulses were there (but kept in check) for the first year or they have 'developed' over the past two years. If it's the first, then the obvious question is what has changed from his perception so that he feels he does not need to keep those impulses in check any more (or is unable to control them), and if the latter it is not indicative of a lifelong condition, which is what AS is. Either way, even if AS is 'implicated' it is not of itself the root cause of these behaviours. It may be 'part' of the jigsaw, it may be completely unconnected or it may, in fact, not be part of the equation at all - despite looking like a possibility from the online tests.

 

In he end, as with any relationship, the decision as to whether you look for answers together, whether you accept the existing circumstances as 'fixed' or whether you decide that things have reached a point where the best solution seems to be to seperate has to be a personal one, but whether AS related or not you have to be very clear on those points. Whether your partner can change is a moot point - for a year he demonstrated that it doesn't have to be this way, whether he will change is dependent on many, many factors - not least your own emphatic decison about what the consequences will be if he does not, and his responses to that. If you compromise on that, on an assumption that his (possible) autism means he can't change the behaviours, you subject yourself to an open ended relationship that is unfullfilling and (given what you've said about shouting/antidepressents etc) abusive for you.

 

Finally, while autism can be linked with 'controlling' behaviours, there are all sorts of other conditions that relate to these kinds of behaviours, and personal psychology/upbringing/self-esteem are other factors that - either in isolation or in tandem with those medical conditions - contribute to the whole.

 

Hope you can find some answers

 

L&P

 

BD

[pinkfreud]

Thank you all for your feedback on this.

 

My partner is really hopeful that we can get some kind of couple therapy and I'm pulling out all the stops to find something that will work. He is keen to try anything that may help and seems to want to get a proper diagnosis so we really know what we are dealing with.

 

I thought that CBT might be better for us than conventional couple therapy because it is very goal based and could give us both practical ways to control anger and frustration. I think we have the potential to make this work and I am feeling more positive at the moment.

 

I have made our problems worse by letting my own anger get the better of me because I felt that I was being treated unfairly. This has just made things worse so I need to find ways of dealing with this myself.

 

I will keep an open mind and try to stay positive. I am going to read the Maxine Ashton book too.

 

Thanks again

 

PinkFreud

[Delyth]

Hi Pinkfreud

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

I have been with my AS partner for 20 years and we now have a good relationship within which we can cope with the challenges AS brings.

 

For us, once we identified how my partner has adapted his behaviour (or mal-adapted!) because of AS and we began to have a better understanding of his difficulties, as well as understanding how my responses to his behaviours were fuelling the fire, we have been able to start unravelling the problems and build a better relationship. My partner is trying CBT but it's a little too early to tell if it is useful yet - we are hopeful though. We have tried other couple counselling which helped me personally to set clearer boundaries within our relationship, which is a vital skill to have learned, but the counselling was not able to help us as a couple probably due to the 'feelings' focus and lack of AS knowledge of the counsellor.

 

I think it's great that you have discovered AS so early on and are both willing to learn now before unhealthy patterns become too ingrained.

 

I found Ashley Stanford's book quite helpful as well as Attwood and Aston (but ignore the lack of optimism for change in these two) and many more but can't remember the titles...will look them up for you if you need any more.

 

I am also setting up a support group for spouses and new members are very welcome.

 

www.whydoesmypartner.co.uk

 

If you are ever in London and would like to meet, do let me know. I found it all a bit lonely at the beginning!

 

Best wishes

 

Delyth

 

[billabong]

Shame I live miles away, way up north. Would love to join you, if you're meeting up some time! Hm, not out of the question, now I think about it.

 

Billabong

[Delyth]

Hi - yes it is a shame we are so far apart....

I am thinking.... it might be possible to meet up in the 'middle' somewhere one day??? Will give it some more thought....

 

It's one of the issues for the support group... people are too far away to meet very often so it's difficult to develop a solid core .... but.... so.....maybe..... if there are a few people all over the country it might still be possible to meet centrally but less often... I shall think some more.... I am happy to co ordinate if there are spouses wishing to join in....

 

Will get back in touch with some thoughts...

 

Delyth

[gaijin]

Hi Pinkfreud,

 

I am a 39 year old male with Aspergers (labelled just three years ago) and can relate to your post. I would like to add to what TALLY has already said in reply and would suggest that the book "Aspergers in Love" be given to your partner to read. From my own personal standpoint, having failed in my previous long term relationship, i read this book with the benefit of hindsight and it must be said that i recognised many of my AS caused problems and for the sake of a more succesful second relationship with my ever so understanding new partner, have tried, and am trying very hard to arrest the negative stuff that i do and say.

You will also find the auther's phone number in the book if you were both to consider going over things face to face with her.

Best wishes.

Dan.