update on problems with school

[joybed]

Hi all I know a lot have read my posts regarding Marcus problems with school and have given a lot of really helpful advice. This is just a quick update to let you know what is happening although we are no where near a solution. We had a meeting at school at the beginning of January to discuss the problems with school marcus had refused to go back after christmas and i was requesting a placement at a special school we had found. We were told there was no funding and we would not get a place so it was decided Marcus would back to school on a part time basis. This for lots of reasons didn,t work. marcus saw the time at home as a time to play on his games consoles and flatly refused to do anything else except go swimming. I work nights and couldn,t sleep in the day, Marcus missed huge chunks of his lessons and quickly started to fall behind this increased his anxiety at school and made him even more reluctant to go into school on the days he was supposed to. this led to even more anxiety attacks at home and repeated bouts of self harm and aggressive behaviour towards myself and his siblings. He became increasingly destructive and out of control.

His review of statement was near and we received the report from school which basically said he was coping at school and the problems were all to do with home. Apparently we have a chaotic lifestyle and i give the twins all the attention and none to Marcus, i was wrong to have discussed special schools and home education with my son as i was giving him too much information. Lots else was said but too much to go into details, it made me very angry and i rang the ASD team in tears. My reply to school was long and I felt like i was justifying my parenting skills.

The review came and despite the fact that everyone but the SENCO and ED psych think he isn,t coping he is to return to school full time. I don,t think this will work but parent partnership have once again stated that we need to try so we can prove mainstream isn,t working. He is returning with a full time statement including lunch and breaks, taxi to school leaving early to get the bus to promote independence, he is no longer doing history which has always been a problem for him and is being given extra computer time during a difficult maths lesson. In the time history would normally take place his LSA,s are doing a social skills course with him. Marcus agreed to this (in the meeting) with the promise of a reward every week for going to school on five days without a fuss (which i provide). I was waiting for him to come home from school to get his real reaction and sure enough the minute he came in he started getting stressed. I managed to calm him down eventually and encourage him to give it a go as in all fairness school are trying but to be honest don,t really have a clue. I am angry as we have found the perfect placement but the LEA won,t fund it and my son is suffering as are the entire family.

The other thing that made me angry is that throughout the entire meeting they kept telling him that it was compulsory for him to go to school and we all know this isn,t true. Home education is perfectly legal and logical but they they made it sound like it was something evil. I didn,t argue as I was virtually told off at his review meeting when i mentioned HE and special schools as i was told i was confusing Marcus by giving him too many options apparently things should be made very simple for him and he shouldn,t be given choices, (what about independence). I also didn,t argue as although i don.t have a problem with HE and think all you HE parents are amazing it is not something that is viable in our family circumstances for reasons i have previously stated.

So he is to go to school tomorrow and i am to wait for it to crash down and then pick up the pieces, I feel like i am waiting to go to the gallows. Is this really a good time to give up wine for lent.

[Enid]

For Gods sake dont give up the wine!.... I had very similar problems and it had to fail to get the LEA to provide a special school funding, that was over a year ago, Its an EBD school and not ideal but at least he goes, the school I want, a residential special school, the LEA wont even considor, even when DS was at his worst. things have calmed down for a minute, well a few months!!! probably due to the medication, is Marcus on meds I cant remember? It is such a battle all the time isnt it? on top of coping with our children we have to go to endless meetings and be judged on our parenting skills Dont give up the wine and DO keep on fighting, I am sure J`s mum will be along in a minute with some good advice, sending you support. <'> <'> <'> <'> Enid

[JsMum]

We were told there was no funding and we would not get a place

 

mmmm heard this many a times from the LEA, but if you collect enough evidence and went all the way to sendist then if the panel agree he requires this special school then the LEA have to fund it.

 

Marcus would back to school on a part time basis. This for lots of reasons didn,t work. marcus saw the time at home as a time to play on his games consoles and flatly refused to do anything else except go swimming.

 

When J was part time he had a visual time table of activities, just a couple of hours in the morning and a couple of hours in afternoon, swimming was included because its active and keeps him fit, so this would be installed in his weekly planner, he did alsorts of fun projects, photography, Internet learning sites, Planting and gardening, orientering, observing wildlife, and lots of arts and crafts, some of which included making a monthly planner.

 

J could not have any console games during school hours, all had to be after school and agian this was on a display using pictures.

 

led to even more anxiety attacks at home and repeated bouts of self harm and aggressive behaviour towards myself and his siblings. He became increasingly destructive and out of control.

 

This needs urgent attention, and cant be ignored, especially the self harm.

 

He is returning with a full time statement including lunch and breaks, taxi to school

 

You can request that part 4 state the school you want and appeal if they say no and collect as much evidence as possible in the meantime.

 

I was in very similair circumstances to yourself this time last year, it takes a long time to fight, but if your son desperatly needs this special school in order to have all his needs met then go all the way and dont give up.

 

JsMum

 

Edited February 27, 2009 by JsMum

[Clare63]

What an awful situation to be in, you must feel torn apart and so very let down.

 

The authority do have funding for specialist education its just that you have to prove the "need". In a way you can only really prove this by evidencing that every avenue has been explored, like PWP say, with your son trying out the new arrangement. However been in a very simular situation as yourself, I can totally understanding how difficult this can be and how damaging it could to the child. I feel quite strongly that we should not have to use our child as a "guinea pig" putting them into extremely difficult situations where we know they will fail, not cope or meltdown just to prove what we as parents already know. I would have dearly loved my son to attend regular mainstream school, but knew in my heart and my head it was not going to work, he was a square peg in a round hole and would continue to suffer and probably end up drowning in an environment that appeared totally alien to him.

 

I assure you it can be done, we found the "right" school for him and yes it is expensive, but I don't care about the cost and to be honest don't know or even want to know how much it costs, why should I be made to feel guilty, I care about my son's education which he has a legal right too. The education authority I found don't bode well to cristisim and can only suggest yu play them at their own game, be willing to try short term but bcak up with lots of evidence.......sorry waffle on a bit there, sorry but this is a subject I am very passionate about.

 

Stay strong and remember no one knows you child better than you and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise.

 

Clare x x x

[joybed]

Thankyou all for your replies. I am at a bit of loss sometimes to explain his behaviour, tonight he came home said he had a good day and appeared fairly calm. He proceeded to do his own thing but then he remembered I was going to work and started to get worked up. 15 minutes before i left he became increasingly upset and was sobbing in his room, I went to him and he said he couldn,t cope with me going to work and then him having to go to school shortly after I return. I pointed out that he had a good day today but he said it was too much for him to go everyday. He said he liked being at home with me that he couldn,t cope with being away from me and was scared something bad would happen when i wasn,t there. When questioned as to what could possibly happen he said he had heard of people going to schools and shooting kids. i attempted to reassure him these were isolated evnts but he was having none of it. He also said he gets very anxious and doesn,t understand his feelings, he doesn,t know what is happening to him. I know he is having panic attacks and appears depressed. He isn,t on meds, they have never been suggested. what kind would they give. We are under CAMHS but just a family therapist he doesn,t have a paediatrician anymore. I am almost scared to leave him alone now and am fed up of people telling me he is attention seeking.

[isme]

Hi,

Do you keep a diary of everything? Every "episode"? Something to totally back up everything that you are saying.. Diary of everything that he says, every person you see/speak to etc.. I am sure you do, but thought I would mention it..

 

I feel for you so much, it seems so unfair that you have to put your son into situations that you know he is going to find so hard, and it goes against every instinct as a mum! Unfortunately though I do know from parents of children I was teaching, it is the "norm" and that they had to proove all the way that they had tried everything and every option available to them and that the special school really was the last option..

 

Huge hugs to you, you must be torn in half every morning!

[Clare63]

Joy,

 

Can really empathise, my son used to hate being away from me and worried all the time something bad would happen. At his worse we got to the stage where he would not leave the family home for fear that something bad would happen.

 

Please do speak to camhs about this, maybe they could try CBT. I must say though in our own personal situation things did not improve until much later when we finally got him to the right school for him and built a routine around it. His new school are focusing on gaining his trust and ensuring his emotional needs are met its all making such a difference.

 

Please remember you ar not alone and that you will find someone who will listen and not say he's attention seeking or its a parenting issue.

 

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