Signs of Aspergers: Secondary School

[szxmum]

Hi everyone

 

I apologise in advance if this seems like introspective naval gazing but this is the first time I have been able to share things with people who have had similar experiences. It's a bit like cathartic, self-healing <'> apologies everyone while I work through this...

 

I asked ds, 17, what his thoughts were on school, now that he is almost free of it. Although I know he was not blaming me, his reply had me in bits Secondary school was in his words " A hell-hole on earth" "If there was an alternative available and you knowingly put me through that experience, that would be classed as child cruelty and abuse"

 

I look back and I am soooo proud of him, amazed that he got through it, the hard way, on his own. Looking back I remember:

 

- Bullying +++ and lots of visits into school to try to get it sorted. It always was for a short time before starting up yet again

- Tears at night, tears in the mornings - long chats trying to put ds back together / give him some "strength" to take it all again

- Cuddling him one night as he lay, shaking with fear at the thought of going back to school after the holidays

- anxiety, depression, panic attacks, OCD and rituals+++

- Very good reports stating what a model student he was - quiet, clever, diligent but shy and not very good at sport or speaking out in class

 

Progressing through secondary school, ds developed his own independent coping strategies

 

- He told me once that he was a master at being invisible, he could withdraw into his own world where no-one would bother him

- He started walking home so that he wouldn't have to use the school bus

- He stopped eating lunch so that he wouldn't have to use the canteen

- He hid in the loos in the changing rooms so that he would become locked in and not have to play football or rugby

- Eventually he found his feet and began walking - quietly and without a fuss, he would walk out of school and go home. No-one stopped or questioned him - he had the perfected the art of being invisible

 

It was at this point the school started taking notice - late year 10. He was referred to the Nurture group - this room became his safe haven throughout year 11 and it is credit to the staff there that ds was successful in his gcses

 

It was the Nurture group teacher who introduced me to AS (bless his heart) which in turn brought me here. So here we are, better late than never, awaiting a late diagnosis - can't come soon enough...

 

 

 

[bikemad]

That broke my heart reading that as half of it my son deals with daily n the other half I just know will happen when he hits comp..........im glad to hear you are finally getting help and they have picked up on the aspergers... <'>

[frogslegs]

I think it is very sad that your boy had to go through that and that it took so long for a school full of 'professional' people to notice. Your son will probably be stronger for the experience but still....

Tell him we feel for him <'> <'>

[heleno]

How ironic, I've just come down from putting my son to bed and having a long chat, whilst watching him get more and more depressed about the upcoming return to school.

He also finds this place a hell-hole but rather than becoming invisible he is a very high profile child who is still being failed by a system that refuses - despite legal obligations - to make appropriate allowances for children with special needs. I say appropriate because they do make allowances as they see fit, they put in support, but refuse to see that it needs to be the correct support not just a 'body' in the classroom.

He wants to achieve but has no idea how to dance to their tune.

We are killing ourselves trying to get all the staff on side only to have some individuals refuse to see they need to adapt their way of handling some children.

Then when situations kick off, often due to miss handling more than my son's behaviour, they impose detentions and isolations as thats what their railroad behaviour policy says.

Why can their not be somewhere our children can get a high class education that is suited to their own learning needs?

I despair

[Enid]

Even though my son was excluded from primary school an then diagnosed asd/adhd, he had to attend the local secondary. He started in Sept, he was out by Dec, taken out by me, he wouldnt get off the school bus some days, other days he hid in the loos, other days he refused to leave classrooms at the end of lessons, so they had to move all the other kids! they were always on the phone to me, and I work, One day I said I just cant leave work to get him, so they sent him in a taxi!!! he looked so traumatised when he arrived that I finished work, went back to the school, leaving him in the car, told him he would not be returning, and told them the same, think they had a party The LEA then suddendly found him a school place, in a special school, but prior to that he had some sort of "breakdown " we went through months of hell, its all in other post so wont repeat, I think the point I`m trying to make here, I think!!!!! is that with hindsight, I should NEVER have sent him to a large "normal" Secondary school. The EBD school, whilst not ideal, is working out well, His behaviour at school is still not good, but he enjoys going and they hardly ever phone me!!!!!!!!! Enid

[Sally44]

You should be very proud of your son, because he has been as brave as a soldier going to war. When they tell us that that is how it is for them - and they do tell us in words and behaviour - then that is the truth for them. And unfortunately that is what it is like for many children in mainstream schooling. The physical, psychological and mental effort they have to use just to get through the day is not to be under estimated. (And my son could also take exams on 'how to be invisible').

I wonder sometimes. How many children have CAHMS (or other professionals) involved and who have problems in school (or at home because of school). Yet the focus seems to be on the child, and not on the school environment. (That is a generalisation - so please don't post about that comment - I am now in rant mode). But too often I feel like everyone's focus is on the child and inappropriate behaviour. Well maybe their behaviour is appropriate because of the inappropriate placement??

Whilst going through the Statement process for my son I really tried to find out the difference and benefits of both mainstream and ASD only educational provisons. I posted on AS and ASD forums for the perspective of adults with a diagnosis asking them how their time at school was. Everyone said it was hell. I didn't get one positive account of a mainstream environment. Most said they wished they had been homeschooled. Some said it had made them more resilient as adults, but that the process had been very painful and something they endured, but gained nothing from.

My son is still at junior school age and is in a mixed mainstream and ASD environment. Secondary age I will have to make some decisions about. At the moment my LEA does not have any kind of educational environment that I would want to send my son to at secondary age.

I have my own personal opinions about 'inclusion' which I know not every parent shares. I don't think those with ASDs are included at all. Even in a mixed mainstream environment there is no meeting of the two perspectives (ASD and NT) either in or out of school. My son does not have mainstream friends or attend mainstream groups/clubs or activities. So why am I forced into a system that pretends that he is part of all that. During breaktime, if my son is not supported, he will spend it walking up and down the fencing repeating Scooby Doo dialogue to himself. Is that what he wants to do. NO. If you ask him what he would want to do, he might want to make a lego model. He would never say 'I want to walk up and down for 20 minutes repeating a DVD. He does that because he doesn't know what else to do in that situation. My opinion is either (a) teach and support him so he can interact, or ( don't turn him out onto the playground.

And how is my son supposed to be benefitting from mainstream peers who bully or ignore or avoid him. He cannot 'learn' from interacting with them. If he could he wouldn't be autistic. It seems to me that mainstream pupils are just a constant remainder to him of his differences and failures. And not only can he not do what they do. But he isn't interested in what they do. And he knows he is different and in someway interprets that as it is his fault or that he is in someway 'bad'.

But inclusion is the current educational trend. Yet there is no evidence anywhere that it is of any benefit to our children. If there is some out there, please post it so I can read it. And, as a parent, I would have loved for it to be possible for my son to be mainstream and for him to love the environment and benefit from it. But I feel that is a impossible goal and a lie that deceives the parents and squashes the self identify and self esteem of our children.

So where do we draw the line. Where do we say, okay our children need to learn these skills so lets teach them how to do this task (eventhough it might be rote learnt and never a natural thought process). And where do we say our children will always have difficulties with things like X, Y and Z and therefore they should not be put through those processes or made to endure those environments. Why do we try to force them into situations, and in some cases support them in those situations, when they would never choose to go through them. It is like someone saying to me that they are going to support me to take on a role of public speaking. I cannot do it, I don't enjoy it, and given a choice I would choose something (anything!) else. So why support me in that. Support me in something I enjoy or which is going to be useful to me.

When my son leaves school I do not imagine he will be spending his weekends in the pub chatting up girls and going to night clubs. So why don't we stop the pretence, and instead teach them how to build a social network (and life) that actually works for them. School is supposed to be teaching our kids something. I get the impression that my son will leave school and say 'thank God that is over, now for something I like ...'. So what was the point of all those years of trying to conform and just not making it or just not getting it??

I'm sure you must have felt like you'd been thumped in the stomach when he told you that. We try so hard to do the right thing and to protect them and help them integrate etc. But honestly, what other options did you have? What else are we being offered? There are girls/boy/faith only schools. Why not ASD only schools for those children where the intention is to aim for independent living and work. Why do ASD only schools have to be for 'problems'.

I have been told that college/university is very different as people are more able to be individuals rather than having to fit in with the school system. I really don't understand why children with ASDs have to sit through daily assemblies in school (which cause alot of them difficulties), when they never have to go through that kind of environment again once they have left school. What was the point of putting them through that. Or school canteens, as an adult you can choose where you eat your dinner, why can't our kids. I have looked around private schools for those with ASDs (out of my price range - but I like to window shop!). And these schools don't have those kinds of things. No assembly! No whole school playtimes! No, they prepare them for adult independent life. They teach them skills so that they can interact socially if and when they want/need to.

I would talk with your son about what he wants to do with his life and what interests him and see what is out there. Those on the spectrum actually like to learn things in their areas of interest. It might also be useful for him to find a support group of other people with his diagnosis and of his age group.

And I'm sure all of us are now thinking about the return to school on Monday.

[pearl]

<'> my lad had a much better experience than yours - but I still breathed a sigh of relief the day he left for ever. He did sooo much better at 6th form, & is now enjoying full time work with "grown-ups". I really hope this was an all time low for your lad, & that he experiences better things in the future.

[szxmum]

A big thankyou to all of you for your kind wishes and for taking the time to post your own experiences. I am still a little bit blown away by how many people on this forum have gone through similar (and much worse) experiences.

 

So thanks again to everyone xx

[szxmum]

with hindsight, I should NEVER have sent him to a large "normal" Secondary school.

 

 

Hindsight is wonderful, isn't it With hindsight, my biggest wish is that I had known more about AS and ASD. Would it have made any difference - I'll never know.

 

We don't have any alternative to large "normal" secondary schools. Their policy is inclusion, inclusion, inclusion. Even if ds had been dx earlier, would it have made any difference to his experience at secondary school - my gut feeling is probably not. He would most probably have been offered a time-out zone where he would have calmed down and tried to gain strength to put himself through it all again. He may also have been offered varying degrees of 1:1 support in classroom - would this have helped, again probably not - he already knows he is different and feels that he doesn't belong, so why not rub his nose in it by providing adult support, a very visible sign of his difference !!!! My ds is right, in secondary school where conformity, peer pressure and belonging to a group is everything, it is cruel to put someone like him through it.

 

With hindsight, my wish for my son would have been an educational environment where his difference was understood and celebrated. Where he would have been seen for the wonderful, fabulous, unique person that he is.

 

xx

[cmuir]

Hi

 

It always saddens me that our children, and we as parents, seem to have to go through so much, before we reach a turning point. If only things were easier. That said, I think we come out much stronger people for it and it's a real credit to your son that he's got through all of that, with you behind him. It's a massive learning curve and it's not worth looking back and beating yourself up about things that could have been done differently, etc - look forward and be proud of yourselves.

 

Caroline.

[szxmum]

Thankyou Caroline (((Hugs)))

 

I really have "indulged" myself with "looking back" over the past few days. I think it is something to do with the fact of previously not knowing about AS and never having anyone who understood to talk to...

 

You are quite right, dwelling on the past helps no-one and we have reached our turning point. We don't know what the future holds but we are learing fast about AS and ASD; we have found this forum and we don't feel on our own anymore :clap:

[purplehaze]

Hi everyone-this really saddened me

 

Our children are often on one of these levels or both!

 

Flight-they often try to become invisible or just run

 

fight-they manage by having challenging behaviour

 

 

my son fights and wants to fit in, but often needs to run and will walk out of school.

 

Heleno-

He also finds this place a hell-hole but rather than becoming invisible he is a very high profile child who is still being failed by a system that refuses - despite legal obligations - to make appropriate allowances for children with special needs. I say appropriate because they do make allowances as they see fit, they put in support, but refuse to see that it needs to be the correct support not just a 'body' in the classroom.

He wants to achieve but has no idea how to dance to their tune.

We are killing ourselves trying to get all the staff on side only to have some individuals refuse to see they need to adapt their way of handling some children.

Then when situations kick off, often due to miss handling more than my son's behaviour, they impose detentions and isolations as thats what their railroad behaviour policy says

 

This is the same for my son

 

Enid-

One day I said I just cant leave work to get him, so they sent him in a taxi!!!

 

My sons school just let him walk out and then phone me at work and say just tp let you know your son has left school!!!!!

 

How long is it going to take until there are less stories like ours-my son is failing and being blamed for his failure.

 

There needs to be more specialist schools in a variety of areas-more choice and more support and understanding!!!!!!!

Edited April 19, 2009 by purplehaze

[NobbyNobbs]

- Eventually he found his feet and began walking - quietly and without a fuss, he would walk out of school and go home. No-one stopped or questioned him - he had the perfected the art of being invisible

the school i went to has now started locking pupils on site. there is no way to leave the premisis after first bell.

 

i can completely understand the invisible tactic, that was my survival method as well. i was so good at it i stopped tallking for weeks on end. the teachers never called on me so noone noticed, until i was told i was bullying by not replying to what another pupil said to me

[shaz71]

the school i went to has now started locking pupils on site. there is no way to leave the premisis after first bell.

 

i can completely understand the invisible tactic, that was my survival method as well. i was so good at it i stopped tallking for weeks on end. the teachers never called on me so noone noticed, until i was told i was bullying by not replying to what another pupil said to me

 

Hi all my son i don't think he had any form of autism, but when he started school he was very shy preferred his own company, he lined up his cars all the time, so when i asked him about it years later like about 6mths ago (now 17yrs old) he said it was because he was doing a traffic jam, through primary he didn't have many friends and preferred to stay in at playtime, then when he went to high school he started hanging around with the in crowd and tried to fit in until they tied him to goal posts with duck tape and kicked in the stomach while all other kids laughed thinking it was funny, well the school excluded them i went mental i wanted to go and beat the little ###### up as they were all older than him bar one as there was five of them, anyway his education deteriorated he then went onto work related and left school with some qualifications but when he went to start college the school had said he had a serious anger problem he now sees a psychologist who has advised him to see a doctor as he thinks he as anxiety issues that is then turning into anger and depression, i am now worried as all my children have exhibited some autistic traits and all my girls 3 of them are the worst, my eldest daughter is 13yrs old she can order a pizza by looking at the ground, she has always had a mouth on her it doesn't matter if it hurts anyone what comes out of it and she has been like this since really young she used to make her friends cry with what she said, she definately as sensory issues was immature for her age and did a lot of strange behaviours like acting like a dog literally and licking things, now my nearly 7yr old is doing it but she is obsessed with things ie aeroplanes, dinosaurs, as to destroy things to see how they are made etc asks unusual questions ie are all the worlds connected i think she meant the countries and lots of other autistic behaviours, she is also struggling in school with her education, now my younger one is also starting now some i know is copied but some isn't her temper is unbeleivable a lot worse than all the others the looks i get, luckily they all know me around here now and i think a lot of the time they feel sorry for me, now she was very bright she tantrumed from 10mths was trying to count and talk from the age of 1yr old then after her mmr at 14mths old she regressed and at 2yr old she is just trying to talk again but i still think she is bright i am just hoping she isn't going to be like her older sister as she didn't speak at all until after the age of 2 but took her until 3 and half to be understood but even now at nearly 7 she is still saying a lot of the things wrongly like glubs for gloves, nuseum, museum, nusic for music etc and is very immature. Sorry for rambling but i am a worrier and i worry that the others will get picked on, my 13yr old daughter does get picked on but it is because she is a swat as they call it, she is very eccentric and just gives it back to them but she is very artistic she will sit for hours and hours drawing, at the moment she does have a small group of friends but she goes through stages if she goes out with them when they call for her she is happy just to sit for hours on end by herself. But it is the strange behaviours that will lose them friends. My 2 younger daughters especially the nearly 7yr old are going through cahms, they think there is something going on with all the behaviours and the speech therapist report and every other input ie education but they want to assess her. Sorry i can't help myself sorry for boring you all with all my problems, but i am just worried for them all as the 17yr old is major depressed it is awful. Sharon x