Advice please

[szxmum]

Hi everyone

 

We are currently waiting a dx of AS from Ed Psych for our ds, 17 (she has verbally said that ds has AS and we are just waiting her written report and recommendations).

 

Ds took his gcses last summer - did well 6Bs and 4Cs.

 

He started 6th form in September but dropped out after a month. Ds currently goes into the school's Nurture group 2-3 times a week for an hour or so. He has been attempting to "self-study" for his AS levels with the full knowledge of his subject teachers (I went to visit them) but no actual teacher input. Phone call from head of 6th form before Easter - the school will not enter him in for his exams as "he hasn't got a hope of passing them" and "it is not fair on the teachers because his failure will pull down their number of pass grades". I kid you not, I did have this conversation.

 

School want to reintegrate ds fully back into 6th form next September.

 

Now....

 

I have spoken to ds:

 

1. He will not go back into mainstream 6th form (he has my support on this, given what he has experienced in the past - long story short, depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicidal thoughts.

 

2. He is unsure about A levels because he does not know what job he would like to do.

 

3. He does not want to go to college or onto university because "they will be the same as school and 6th form"

 

4. He does not want to work because he would have to deal with people - the only job he will in any way entertain the thought of is a computer-based occupation in a very quiet office with no people contact.

 

What can I do to help my son?

 

Is it best just to leave him until he wants to study for A levels, go to college, get a job?

 

Do I push him to go back into 6th form, go to college, get a job and risk the recurrence of the depression, anxiety, panic attacks?

 

 

He is happy, content and relaxed at present - happier than he has been for the last 5 years since the start of secondary school which is worth its weight in gold.

 

Do I say his mental health is paramount and leave him be?

 

If so what are the options - I presume it's state benefits for him - can anyone advise on what benefits are available to him?

 

Have you or your children gone through this? What are your experiences? Any advice would be very, very gratefully received.

Edited April 19, 2009 by szxmum

[Tally]

It would be worth trying to find options for studying now, as he still has 2 years of free education left. If you wait, you will have to pay.

 

If you know what led to his psychological problems, you may be able to look around local schools and 6th form colleges to find one which might be able to prevent those issues arising.

 

If he doesn't know what he wants to do for a career, he should choose subjects which interest him.

[Kathryn]

Hi szxmum,

 

First of all well done to him for the GCSE results, good in themselves, and especially so against the background of his problems.

 

The school's attitude towards exams is weird - I thought schools were run for the benefit of pupils, not teachers!

 

As school has proved to be a toxic environment for him, it might be better for his morale and mental health if he leaves the school altogether and makes a fresh start. Just my opinion based on my daughter's experiences: after being out of school for overa year at age 15/16 her severe depression started to lift the moment she realised there was no prospect of going back to school. She went to the local college and found it a much more supportive and adult environment. If your son does continue down the A level route your local FE college may meet his needs better, if you can persuade him to take a look, he may find that it's not like school at all.

 

Alternatively, if he's sufficiently motivated he could continue down the self study/private tuition route and be entered for exams as a private candidate. However he may be finding that the challenge of academic study

 

If he is still in a fragile state it may be best not to push him to do anything too academically or socially challenging at the moment - if he's to stick at any course,it the motivation needs to come from him. It may take time. My daughter has only now, 5 years after a horrendous breakdown, begun to form an idea of what she really wants to do with her life, it has taken it this long to get over the stress and get her head together, and even now there are blips. But during that time she has turned from a depressed recluse into someone who really wants to get out and do things, although she has good and bad days, she's getting there slowly.

 

Are you in touch with the Connexions service? They help young people between 14 - 25 with advice about study and work and are probably best placed to talk through the options with you and your son. The school will be able to give you the contact details for the service. It's important you speak to someone who has experience in helping students with AS who need additional support, they have advisors who deal specifically with such students. We were well supported by Connexions.

 

Re benefits - my daughter gets Disability Living Allowance - you may have seen this discussed on the forum. Applying is a dauntimg process, and not everyone is successful first time around but it's worth considering. I started getting it when my daughter was 15 and she is very grateful for it and is now in full control over it - it gives her the financial independence she wouldn't otherwise have. He is probably eligible for other benefits such as income support but I have no direct experience of this myself as we haven't gone down this route yet.

 

For information on all benefits look at the link below:

 

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBen...pport/index.htm

 

and there are plenty of people here who can give you advice and tips on what to apply for and how.

 

As far as jobs go - if the idea of paid work is too demanding maybe a little light volunteering with a charity would give him a gentle introduction to the world of work and give him a routine? Just a thought. I'm trying to persuade my own daughter to volunteer at our local charity shop while she plans her next move - she is desperate to get a job but demoralised by her lack of experience and qualifications.

 

I hope you and your son find a way forward: I'm still working through similar issues myself - my daughter has no idea what she wants to do when she finishes college in July (she's doing a BTec in IT). She is thinking of doing an Access course with a view to going to university.

 

Hope some of the above is helpful!

 

K x

[BuntyB]

Hi, I can relate to all of this and would suggest the following:

ask for an appointment with the disability officer at the Jobcentre. They can look out for work suited to your son.

Secondly- look at distance learning courses. It took me until I was a lot older but I did successfully take a degree by distance learning which suited me well. I have managed to find work in quiet offices.

Voluntary work is also a good suggestion. If you speak to your nearest volunteer centre I'm sure your son would find something that suits him- perhaps doing the books for a small charity or other admin work. It would also give him some confidence and could be on timescales that suit, eg one day a week to begin with. I'm sure he will identify someething that interests him without being pushed too hard

Good luck!

[barefoot wend]

I have a 17 year old who dropped out of school at 13 and was unable to sit GCSEs due to anxiety and stress. We did a correspondence course which worked quite well. He is starting an animal course at our local agricultural college in September which is only three days a week so, hopefully, may work for him.

 

Alternatively, I hear that the Open University works well for some. Alot of courses require you to be 18 but I know of people who have been younger. It's certainly something I'll be looking into in the future.

 

As to benefits, you can clain DLA and also Incapacity Benefit although there are rules about work or study with IB (I think you are allowed to do up to 21 hours a week whilst claiming - must check that).

 

My son also volunteers at our local youth centre one night a week and they have been very helpful.

 

Good luck

 

Barefoot

Edited April 20, 2009 by barefoot wend

[bid]

Contact your special needs Connexions Advisor as they will have advice about both m ainstream and specialist options.

 

Bid

[szxmum]

Many, many thanks to you all for your input <'> I really appreciate it.

 

 

As school has proved to be a toxic environment for him, it might be better for his morale and mental health if he leaves the school altogether and makes a fresh start.

 

If he is still in a fragile state it may be best not to push him to do anything too academically or socially challenging at the moment - if he's to stick at any course,it the motivation needs to come from him.

 

I had a long chat with ds and we have made a couple of decisions - I know they are the right ones and positive because we have had no emotional "fallout" IYKWIM

 

I explained that the school wanted ds to reintegrate back into mainstream with support next September. Ds made me laugh "Oh they think that, do they and exactly how does that help me" Ds also admitted that his current chosen A levels held no interest for him - he had chosen them because the classes were smaller and the emphasis was on written work

 

So we have decided that ds will officially leave school at the end of this year. Bless his heart, he has agreed to continue to attend the Nurture group a couple of times a week until I can get this dx from Ed Psych.

 

We had a chat about FE college, at first he was negative - he has an absolute abhorence of being around groups of other young people. If we are in the street he will walk to the other side of the street to avoid other teenagers or he will put myself, my dh or his sister as a wall between himself and the perceived "threat". He seemed to like the idea of evening classes when I explained there would be a mix of ages in these classes. So that looks like being a possibility in the future - however, we first of all need a motivation to do these classes and that just isn't there at the moment.

 

He likes the idea of web design, being self-employed and working from home so my next step is to investigate the Princes Trust although I do think you have to be 18 to apply.

 

I also need to investigate DLA, incapacity benefit and income support. I like the idea of self-employment as this is promoting a positive, independent state of mind however, unless he is a runaway success he will need some form of benefit back-up.

 

So positive steps made yesterday and today

Edited April 21, 2009 by szxmum