They are all completely mad here!

[Tally]

My parents are insane, I am telling you they are absolutely nuts! I don't know how much longer I can bear to live here.

 

They don't even seem to like each other very much any more. From my point of view, it looks like my mum is constantly picking at my dad from the moment he walks in the door, although she says he constantly picks at her. She keeps complaining about him to me and I don't know what I am supposed to do about it. She also said that she is seeing a counsellor and wants my dad to go with her, but he refuses. She didn't say what she is seeing the counsellor for, but it sounds like it is relationship issues.

 

My dad spends all of his evening in his study. He always used to have a lot of work to do, and did this by necessity. These days he goes in there to do sudoku puzzles and watch telly. I think he really needs to spend time alone after being at work all day, but my mum feels like he does not want to spend time with her. Sometimes she asks him to sit with her and talk to her and he asks, "what do you want to talk about?"

 

My mum is also annoyed with my dad. He goes out several times in the evening to post letters, fill up his car with petrol or go to the cash point, and returns smelling of cigarette smoke. She is slightly upset that he has started again, but more upset that he is lying about it.

 

My mum hates flies. She goes round swatting them and expects my dad to clear up all the smears of fly guts off the window. He is getting very annoyed and asking her to stop, and she is getting more and more obsessive about killing them.

 

Sometimes I try to cook meals, but my mum won't eat them. She likes to eat a lot of vegetables. I made a spinach and chicken lasagne and it was ready just as she came in from work. She made me leave it while she prepared a salad, which took about half an hour because she likes to have several types of leaves, and then tomatoes and cucumbers, and then pumpkin seeds, sesame seeds, grated carrot, pine nuts. There was hardly any room left on the plate for our lasagne, and she cut her own piece which was about 1x2inches. I tried to cook dinner so that she didn't have to after a day at work, and she ended up making her own anyway and just eating a tiny piece of what I made, even though it contained two types of vegetables. When she cooks dinner it takes about two hours. She puts so much on my plate I can only eat about a third of it. I don't even know what most of the vegetables are. Most of them taste really horrible.

 

They are encouraging me to buy my own home again as soon as possible. I had planned to do a course that lasted three years, and discussed this with them. The thing is, I can't afford to buy without their financial input. Although they have said they would like to do this, I am worried that they might soon need the money for their own separate homes. It seems silly to rush into it while things are so unstable between them, but I am desperate to get out of here!

[cmuir]

Hi

 

From my own experience, I found moving back in with my mum and dad very difficult - and that was only for a 5 month period. I think once you've had your own space (all of us), it's very difficult to share again, especially when you've perhaps only lived with your parents throughout your childhood and then move back in later in life. It's great that you're concerned about your parents relationship and want to delay buying your own property, but it might be that a bit of space is what is needed all round (even if they do love you and enjoy having your around). I don't know how mortgages, etc are in England, but in Scotland, one can still get a mortgage on the basis that they'll come in money at a later date eg once you've graduated, etc. Might be worth checking out with a financial advisor.

 

Hope things work out.

 

Caroline.

[Tally]

This evening has been the worst. I am living in a room above the garage with my two cats. I only come in for dinner and to use my computer in my brother's bedroom.

 

My mum's cat has run of the entire house and garden 24 hours a day. I am allowed to let my cats out only when my mum's cat is upstairs, otherwise she will see my cats in the garden and get upset. My mum has backed down slightly and agreed to put her cat upstairs so that my cats can go outside for half an hour in the morning and evening. This means I have to ask her for permission every time I want to let my cats out, since my mum is the only person who can touch her cat. Her cat still has the remaining 23 hours every day to do as she pleases.

 

This evening my mum was tired so I tried to shoo the cat upstairs so that she didn't have to get up. The cat got angry and made a lot of noise and tried to attack me, and then my mum started shouting at me as well for upsetting her cat!

 

If my cats do not go outside, they are restless and wake me up several times in the night, which takes me a couple of days to recover from. I am doing my first proper shift in my new job on Monday and being half asleep will not create a good impression!

 

Also, my cat has had diarrhoea in his litter tray today and I was keen to open the door and get some air through my bedroom!

 

She's being completely unreasonable expecting me and two cats to be cooped up all day in one room so that her cat can do as she pleases while mine keep me awake!

 

I didn't cope with full time work before, but that is what I need to do to get out of here so I will find a way. I really have had enough now. I've only lived here for three weeks.

[chris54]

Sound a bit like my Mum and Dad. Completely round the twist.

After my dad died we realised that he had been covering up the fact that Mum has Alzheimer's, now on her own she is really not able to cope but wont accept any help. And us, her family are all out to get her money. She said this to someone from the council and because they have to take any allegation seriously we were all investigated.

 

There is some poor woman from the council who has the job of making or trying to make sure that my mum gets all the benefits etc she should. In the past she has arranged for home helps etc but my mum just tells the people to go away and not come back.

 

I keep telling my wife that I'll be like that one day. She recons I already am.

Edited July 4, 2009 by chris54

[bid]

The trouble is, no-one really understands a marriage except the two people involved!

 

Your parents have been married for a fairly long time I guess...how they choose to live out that marriage is ultimately up to the them, I'm afraid, and you won't be thanked for giving advice.

 

IMO the only thing you can do is keep your head down and concentrate on establishing the life you want for yourself.

 

Good luck!!

 

Boho

[Tally]

I feel really uncomfortable when she starts telling me all the annoying things my dad does. I just agree with whatever she's saying. She has a counsellor who will hopefully help her come to a decision, but that is not my job! They have been married for over 30 years, but I've always felt it wouldn't work once they retired and actually had to spend some time together.

[frogslegs]

My parents were married for 45 years until my dad died and it was a bit like that. They did not really get on but it was just too impractical at their age to split up. When we used to go camping in the summer my mum would stay in the caravan and my dad would go in the car to do his crosswords.

I moved back home after four years working while doing my post graduate course and it was really really difficult. I am the youngest of four and I think by the time I left home they had had enough. So when I went back they were used to not having their children living at home anymore and had been using my room as an office space and my mother minded having someone else making mess in the house and the noise...I started by completely taking over the garage with my stuff (that did not go down well). Plus I had been living on my own for years and was not used to compromise either. My mother is very impatient. It is difficult because you are an adult but back home you are back with kiddies rules.

So anyway this is what I did to make my year manageable: I tried to give them the space they needed because it was their home. So at week-ends I would disappear to the cinema or pool. Although I was happy to help, I took instructions from my mother, in other words maybe you ought to ask her what she wants you to cook, so that you are in agreement. I made sure I left not too much of my mess around (that was difficult), if I went out I told her if I was not going to be there for a meal.... I was relieved when it was over but grateful that I had been able to stay with them. At the end of the day it is their house and you can't tell them how to live their lives or interfere in their relationship. I understand that you are worried but you need to let them sort themselves out.

If you feel you can't stay there how about renting? Or buying and letting a room to a lodger? Sorry maybe I sound preachy but as I say I went through all that and just like I would not like my mother to interfere in my relationship with my husband, I had to keep my mouth shut regarding theirs.

Take care <'> <'> <'> I know it is hard.

[Tally]

I am not trying to tell them what to do about their relationship at all, I'm trying to stay completely out of it and wish my mum would not speak to me about her frustrations because I can't do what she wants me to do - which is gang up with her against my dad. I normally go and do something else when they start arguing, but it's not always easy if, for example, we are eating dinner at the time. I do feel kind of sad about the idea of them splitting up, but I also can see that it would probably make them happier in the long run - which is what I want.

 

Moving out is really not an option at the moment. I only have a temporary part time job and it is the only job I have seen advertised at all. I am looking for other work as well, but I still haven't found anything. Even with the financial support my parents have promised me, I would still need a full time job to get by. And it just seems silly to buy somewhere knowing that I could have to sell it again quite soon. Part of the reason I have moved back is because I could not cope with full time work and independent living.

 

I am not living in the house and I am not leaving any of my things in the house except my computer which is in my brother's bedroom. I only come in the house to use the computer and for dinner (cooking/washing up, etc). I used to like watching Eastenders but I have only seen one episode since I moved here because they were watching something else. I did not even ask if I could change the channel, I just went and did something else. I use their washing machine as well, but I only do that on days my mum is at work or if I have checked first that she does not want to use it. She is annoyed because I have broken some of her clothes pegs. Clothes pegs are not complicated and I do know how to use them properly, but she is sure I am breaking them by doing something wrong. How on earth can you use a clothes peg wrong? I have already bought her a new packet to replace them, but she just tossed them under the sink with a load of other packets she's got down there . . . I didn't ask why she doesn't use them!

 

When I cook I normally suggest something I know how to make. Every time she has said OK and then not eaten it. If I let her tell me what to cook, she would choose something very complicated. It takes her about two hours to cook dinner beause she does not just cook plain things, everything has to be in a special sauce with herbs or something. I haven't got used to her kitchen yet and I am not very good at doing two things at once, so it would take me a lot longer than two hours if I let her choose. I am just not prepared to spend two hours cooking if it is not a special oocasion.

 

Last night she cooked a chicken bake with tomatoes and courgettes, a spinach dish with garlic and parmesan, broad beans (with herby sauce) and potatoes (with parsley and butter sauce). She put 6 chicken thighs in the chicken bake. She broke one in half and dished that up for herself with the vegetables (no potaotes) and an enormous salad. She gave me 2 1/2 chicken thighs and 3 to my dad. By the time I was full, the food still left on my plate was about what I would have served up for myself as a whole meal. I was going to put it in the fridge for another day but she got very upset and when she started cutting up the chicken for the cat I decided not to interrupt her. I keep telling her I can't eat this much and I have left over half my dinner every day for three weeks, but she keeps piling it on and then getting upset when I can't finish. It's annoying because I don't know how else to explain that I would prefer a smaller meal, but if she would just listen and give me less, I would be able to stop upsetting her by leaving her food. It feels like she's deliberatly upsetting herself so that she can have a go at me.

[frogslegs]

Is she depressed? I am sorry, it sounds like a difficult situation as you seem to really do everything right. Have you tried talking to her when she is calm?

[Enid]

The trouble is, no-one really understands a marriage except the two people involved!

 

Your parents have been married for a fairly long time I guess...how they choose to live out that marriage is ultimately up to the them, I'm afraid, and you won't be thanked for giving advice.

 

IMO the only thing you can do is keep your head down and concentrate on establishing the life you want for yourself.

 

Good luck!!

 

Boho

Yes, I`m with this post!!

 

Also bearing in mind that people on here may know you and therefore them, a lot of personel info is being written, I would be somewhat miffed if mine did this!!! mind you I have written a lot of personel info about them They will probably sure me when they are older!!!!!

 

Enid

[Tally]

I think she probably is depressed. Something must have been wrong for her to decide to see a counsellor. She seems to be going out of her way to push people away from her though.

 

She has a new rule which I discovered earlier. If you call her by shouting, she will only answer one question. I wasn't sure where she was so I called, "Mum, where are you?" As she replied, my dad started clattering about in the kitchen, so I couldn't hear her answer. But as she will only answer one question if you shout, she would not reply when I called her the second time, even though she must have heard the noise my dad made. An hour later she was annoyed that I hadn't looked up something on the internet for her like I promised . . . I DID look it up for her, I just couldn't work out where she was to tell her the answer!

[Tally]

Also bearing in mind that people on here may know you and therefore them, a lot of personel info is being written, I would be somewhat miffed if mine did this!!!

I don't know anyone on this forum other than from this forum. I don't think I have given any information which would allow you to identify my parents.

If you took to discussing your marital problems with your children, I think they would have every right to find an outlet.