smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 " Hurts" the pain that hurt i thought after now would go or 'heal somehow'! i wanted to prove everyone wrong and for once in my life ' become strong' i "cling" to 'hope' that's all i've got not really not alot! i have 'nothing' nothing at all i sit and watch all those people there is 'one catch' i'll 'fight this thing' 'til the very end! " i don't socialise or have many friends" i call no-one hears it all falls on deaf ears pushing me to deeper tears all i left with is endless worries and fears! but then no-one reaches out a hand i pull and push and left with despair feels like the whole world against me and doesn't care the hurt that comes back when you think no-one's there i'll have such a fall i just once again fear and worry someday no-one will care or call AT ALL! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 "nothing" i want to scream,shout -anything but NO,nothing AT ALL ...will come out! i push it all deep inside so secretly it can hide the hurt and pain again and again i DON'T want this to be 'true'! and me feeling the way in which i do! -BLUE i am VERY confused frustrated ............ it's SO complicated! in which it seems! the 'unrecognised years' but the fear yet anger i feel is nothing, one BIG THING of REAL! the past reminds me of 'shard of glass' slitherly, slimey, dirty and grimey! hurt continues on and on until loves no more but HATE got stranded,forgotten got NO mates! but bullies instead cowards ,go ahead! the life i had, the life i was SO glad! to once and for all leave behind....... or i thought i did.... 'til i could NOT trust NO MORE need i say anymore when really all i wanted needed was 'walk out the door' i gave up said NO MORE! i found out i have a condition called AS and i know and think to try be the best like all the rest! but i CAN'T i find it SO hard to keep same distance ... within a blimin' yard AS wouldn't have it neither would the past! i have to admit to know in my mind this condition will always forever last the strong feelings i feel and now know forever will! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 you DON'T deserve IT! if you leave 'them different' behind then 'we' percieve 'everyone' in society as being unkind 'they' SHOULDN'T have 'done it'! to me or 'them' 'we' leave you standing behind and below 'us' 'you'-none of 'you' deserve mine or they're earn't TRUST! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 CAN I?-HOW ,WHY???!!! you tell me " i can do it"-can i? you tell me " i'm brave"-how am i? just take away this awful pain and replay the years over again ........ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 STILL time stands still moving until the world stops completely still some would LIKE IT others WOULD NOT! some have a clear choice IN IT others HAVE NOT! and WHY??? because it life! the life that hurts ,now and again causes the endless pain and 'stupid' pathetic 'mind games' that 'come with it' -part of 'it' IT and ME! SO as you're eyes can but see... which then will make you only look and ask next time more closely! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 Surviving Alot of people have helped me in many ways to guiding me to the way i DON'T KNOW called ... SURVIVING!!! the love and care that everyone had shown so much,throughout my life! causing ME to 'GET ON' "lead the NORMAL LIFE"! survive it's THANKS to 'THEM' I AM-WHO I AM! i'm GRATEFUL,TRULY I AM! i can NEVER repay THEM ENOUGH!-or LOVE them enough! "i've been through alot in my life"! and .... 'come out the other side' PLEASE LOOK NOW!... CAUSE GUESS WHAT???? I successfully survived! hehe lol X JUST X Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 WHY,WHY,WHY .... AT SCHOOL??? WHY at school ... ? was i NOT cool WHY at school...? " did NO-ONE stand up to play the 'right ball'" all i can ASK is WHY!? WHY was i known to 'everyone' as 'stupid' as 'bad' as something i reached out for many times but knew always could NEVER HAVE! while my peers playing cupid -there's me over there 'being foolish and once again stupid'! i was yet again questioning ,wondering ...... WHAT IS STUPID! it MUST be ME because everyone can see for sure which added up to my family being amazed yet shook " by the core"! So WHY did i 'CRAVE ME'??? yet all i REALLY WANTED NEEDED was someone to 'SAVE ME'! so many tears shed known to 'outsiders' looking in at my life as feeling of utter dread i wish i could run away ,fake pretend i was dead! all i felt was fear when yet again 'it' "stepped up a FAST gear"! i was MADE feel like freak a class clown i constantly negatively put down send me out called me a "naughty mindless lout" always questioned ,wondered WHY? i'd talk to the sky -to find out! 'the REAL ,TRUE CRY'! PLEASE next time .... -DON'T question me as truth was there as 'clear as a bright blue day ' to see! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 Because of YOU i was alone in 'my OWN little private ZONE' scared and afraid i kept quiet -lost and confused feeling stolen yet also somewhat bruised by 'it all'! surprised why i didn't feel important or 'tall'!? in the FACTS , i felt tiny MORE THAN small! i didn't have a 'LOUD VOICE'! back then had 'nothing' of ANY opinion or any choice! i didn't mind or care because i WASN'T someone SPECIAL by 'being there' i was that someone who 'closed their eyes' to used ,dropped and abused "WHY should tell anyone"?! when i WANTED to 'sell'! who? the TRUTH WAS ' I WANTED ME -BECAUSE OF 'YOU'!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 Lost and Confused i get SO lost and confused! lost and confused over what i say and do! so much gives me the feeling of BLUES! i CAN'T run ,can't hide-I can't choose..... feel selfish -i know i got NO pride now that can be set aside! i REPLAY over everything more my head's so DAMN hurt and sore no-one sees the 'drowning invisible tears' i wish 'they could' then maybe i have free and better looking life i don't think i should..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 Having A.S having A.S could be seen as one 'great BIG mass mess' i think it could be seen as one growing gigatic cress our minds are powerful as 'one big mind play of chess' how i think why did i do to deserve this?! i HATE 'it' ,grates at the same time yet blocked up with never ending 'grime' who can you begin ?,you begin to say this is mine! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LordGorse Report post Posted July 25, 2009 Woo-hoo, more poems!!! Some of these are pretty good! I get the impression you're almost bursting to get it all out. Does writing these help you cope with the feelings you describe in them? That's kind of why I write my stuff--it works as a sort of "release valve", if you get what I mean? Of course writing it down doesn't change anything really, but it can help alter your perception of a situation. I hope you give us some more soon By the way, I started a topic in the Off Topic section entitled Random Writings, if you're interested you can read a few of my pieces there, and Something Different has also put up some really good poems, too. Keep writing! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 yes they do help me cope with feelings thoughts and emotions of personal experiences and situations i've been through and still go through! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 more comments wanted so feel free to tell me what you think of them all! i hoping to get published with my life story these poems hope society become more understanding and aware of this 'hidden' condition! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
dana Report post Posted July 25, 2009 Smilie, these poems are SOOO nice! <'> You really have a talent. You know how to express your feelings through them. Keep writing! Danaxxx <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 what poems you like the best? do you find any of these poems come close to what you felt thought or been through in your life with your problems? does anyone know who be interested in helping me publish? and where could get funding done to do make this dream become a possible reality i have in memory of ones i have loved and lost over the years! respected n missed so much! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 thanks Dana helps me express my condition into some words at least gets my personal feelings/emotions out there without upsetting anyone just telling the facts of how life was and is for me! living with this everyday isn't easiest thing ever! i hope i show the struggles challenges that always lie ahead for us in 'our world' and how many thoughts and emotions come into 'one thing' yet affect so many different areas of your life and your families! so AS isn't 'mild autism' in my personal opinion it different type but i wouldn't describe it as mild as impacts everything you do still! no matter what level of scale autism you have! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
MOSEY Report post Posted July 25, 2009 They are brilliant! Creativity is such a fantastic way of expressing feelings and you've captured them so well - my heart was aching on your behalf reading those. When I was 17, my mum dropped dead very suddenly and I was left alone with a brother of 11. I couldn't talk about it and I felt like no-one understood the pain, but I painted and it helped me sooooo much. I think you have a talent there. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
something_different Report post Posted July 25, 2009 great poems, wd smiley Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 i'm glad everyone who read them so far pleased with what i done do you think these good enough standard to published into a book? and what one your favourite and why? XKX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 for all autistic's i want tell their stories through mine explain what i can be like sometimes! and hope people agree i done 'us' justice as don't want to just do it for me -selfish reasons but to positively benefit others vasely out there struggling to fight back and win! baby steps! autistic power together stand tall and proud! spread word through work! we all decide to do this it make difference to way people see 'us' and 'our world' i think personally! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 N.A.S -National Autistic Society when N.A.S come on side really i wanted in way curl up to hide but then why do i feel three sides to this happiness,guilt,regret .... when will proper natural routine finally set right!? as at the moment all i can describe it as an upsetting forceful fight and i know this won't be 'out of sight' for long and another voice in back of mind says hold on be strong! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 25, 2009 who Said??? who said A.S don't physically hurt by trying on dress,trousers skirt?! against the skin 'as cold as sin' we DON'T like loud noises and places people , and different faces people THINK we use our graces people 'jump' to rude often see us as 'crude' people get so mad which then makes 'us' as people still feel somwhat sad we get so confused lost by way in way world goes we think why can it slows ...??? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mandapanda Report post Posted July 27, 2009 " Hurts" the pain that hurt i thought after now would go or 'heal somehow'! i wanted to prove everyone wrong and for once in my life ' become strong' i "cling" to 'hope' that's all i've got not really not alot! i have 'nothing' nothing at all i sit and watch all those people there is 'one catch' i'll 'fight this thing' 'til the very end! " i don't socialise or have many friends" i call no-one hears it all falls on deaf ears pushing me to deeper tears all i left with is endless worries and fears! but then no-one reaches out a hand i pull and push and left with despair feels like the whole world against me and doesn't care the hurt that comes back when you think no-one's there i'll have such a fall i just once again fear and worry someday no-one will care or call AT ALL! Hi, me again! This poem speaks to me as someone who has experienced depression. When I had postnatal depression I felt I was screaming out for help but no-one could hear me, like there was a soundproof glass screen all around me. I wanted help, but wouldn't let anyone do anything. I felt I should be 'coping' and therefore should do everything myself, otherwise I would feel I was failing. This had the effect of making people not want to help me, as I rejected any offers of help. This then reinforced my feelings of loneliness and feeling like no-one cared! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mandapanda Report post Posted July 27, 2009 Because of YOU i was alone in 'my OWN little private ZONE' scared and afraid i kept quiet -lost and confused feeling stolen yet also somewhat bruised by 'it all'! surprised why i didn't feel important or 'tall'!? in the FACTS , i felt tiny MORE THAN small! i didn't have a 'LOUD VOICE'! back then had 'nothing' of ANY opinion or any choice! i didn't mind or care because i WASN'T someone SPECIAL by 'being there' i was that someone who 'closed their eyes' to used ,dropped and abused "WHY should tell anyone"?! when i WANTED to 'sell'! who? the TRUTH WAS ' I WANTED ME -BECAUSE OF 'YOU'!!! Wow, this is an amazing poem Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 27, 2009 hurts about depression bullying and low self-esteem isolation ,becuase of you similiarly the same things! glad you like them manda panda though i hoping fingers crossed when posted that parents and sufferers would find their own personal meanings to their experiences they been through though these poems! thanks for your comments! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted July 27, 2009 why do i?- have to feel 'the real deal'-Paranoia,Anxiety Why do i feel bad? then after comes mad? it makes me feel like everyday crime like payback time but feel scared,trapped..... "you think anyone cares!" i NEVER feel good enough to beat the desperate fight of defeat lose,then cruise then grip,then comes trip catches up though hurts then hides away what more do i have to say to do??? freak out ,causes my heart and head to shout "LET ME OUT!" which then causes to then think it's 'the REAL DEAL'?! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Willow-Tree Report post Posted July 30, 2009 i'm glad everyone who read them so far pleased with what i done do you think these good enough standard to published into a book? and what one your favourite and why? XKX Hiya, I tried to get my poems published into a book, but apparently a lot of publishers have tried before and they don't sell well You could try though. I decided to incorporate my poems into an actual book, like a story, a factual one. When it's done I will try again with the publishers. Willow Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
LordGorse Report post Posted July 30, 2009 Hiya, I tried to get my poems published into a book, but apparently a lot of publishers have tried before and they don't sell well You could try though. I decided to incorporate my poems into an actual book, like a story, a factual one. When it's done I will try again with the publishers. Willow Yeah, getting published is a nightmare! Collections of poems/short stories are notoriously difficult simply because they don't sell well (unless they're by someone famous), so publishers tend to shy away from them. Finding the right publisher is the key; a good place to start is the Artists and Writers Year Book (I think that's the title). Never send your work to a publisher who doesn't accept poetry (obvious I know, but a lot of people do it), and make sure they accept unsolicited manuscripts. It also may help if you can get a few pieces published in magazines, e-zines, anthologies, even local newspapers; a lot of publishers prefer previously published authors. There is of course the self-publishing option, but that is expensive, plus there's the additional problems of distribution and advertising (some "vanity" publishers offer packages for this but at ridiculous prices). It's a harsh truth but the majority of would-be writers never make it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 6, 2009 "Who Said"?? Who Said A.S DON'T physically hurt - by 'JUST' trying on a dress,trousers,skirt or shirt? 'we' DON'T like loud noises,crowds,faces people DON'T think just jump to assume that me have no manners which means no graces DON'T get why the world -has words around it!? i DON'T quite get it!-understand this 'alien land'! i get confused,lost get so cross why does 'everyone' think this AS is SO grand!? SHOUT IT OUT LOUD! Dark Side gives me bleak hope,less options,choices -no sense of ulimitate pride hurt mashed which means pain ended up 'crashed' why can i 'lash out' finally 'splash' why i shout?-am i sucham awful lout i feel it though! "LET ME OUT NOW"! before i quese ..... i ask PREETY PLZ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 6, 2009 when i say A.S people tend to run,pretend,hide and snide why CAN'T i be them others?! like the 'beautiful' 'normal' swan that 'glides' version or sides??? instead i'm 'the person' that steps into "the beackward spiral slides" i feel 'the ugly duckling' as she spread her wings but traps she tries and flies yet while 'silently screams' "inside i'm burning to let out lonely cries"! feel cruel,like a fool to me,'i see a reflected' shinning in the mirror oviouisly NOT YOU ,BUT oviously ME! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
hsmum Report post Posted August 7, 2009 (edited) Smiley, Your poems are really moving and technically, extremely interesting. My husband (undiagnosed AS) also writes poetry. Like yours, his poems are fascinating in terms of their formal features, but they have also have a Plath-like sadness. Hubby has had several poems published over the years. Yours are, in my opinion, better and more accessible than his. Have you ever thought about sending some of your poems off for publication? Edited August 7, 2009 by hsmum Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 7, 2009 yeah i'm glad you find them interesting! that whole meaning of them that can relate and have sense of understanding of someone who has AS /MH probs or partner of etc yes i have thought publication how would go about it how much would it cost who would i find more information from to help this become a reality instead just pipe dream!??? what's plath like sadness mean? i think about sending them off to be looked at professionally all time just that want it published with my life story in between my AS/MH poems to create public/society awareness and understanding would need help putting life story in order making sound just so! i want call it 'somewhere over the different coloured rainbow-you'll find 'us'! many thanks for your comment though appreciated alot!!! that's what i go on comments from here! lol XKX Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 8, 2009 what others think of this poem let us plz!? need more personal experiences opinions on this??? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 8, 2009 i'm the one dying because no-one sees the hidden depths of crying? does this go it in place of sighing? will this constant forever feeling of grieving? stop me from feeling seething? crying falling looking up at ceiling raindrops falling! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 8, 2009 the guilt i feel with you there me here just stepped up a koch and a gear all of sudden could be described as guilt wrapped in fear! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 8, 2009 PLEASE COMMENT HERE!??? rate out of 10??? be most helpful thanks same with others i put on here to show you my work! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sarah Perry Report post Posted August 9, 2009 Is this how you're feeling? it's very well written but very sad! Marks out of 10 a definite 10 I couldn't do that! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 9, 2009 yes this how i'm feeling about my nan's death!!!thanks sarah for marking me out of 10! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 9, 2009 how could make my own AS/MH forum and poem website?? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley1590 Report post Posted August 9, 2009 autism makes me jealous autism doesn't stop for no-body nothing because it careless i hate that dress feel such a dreadful mess somedays makes you think and feel lifeless! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
