Disappearing acts!

[minerva]

My 15yr old has run away since he was tiny, he does it when he's scared, when he's stressed, when he's angry but he does also do it for no apparent reason whatsoever!!

 

When talking to anyone "official" I have had no useful advice so far. They only seem interested in dealing with the times he runs because of anger & ignore the fact that he just vanishes!

 

Just this evening, he was happily writing a book in his room while I watched Coronation Street. I went up to see him just as it finished & he wasnt there anymore!

 

No arguements, no cross words, no nothing!

 

Has anyone got any idea how I am to avoid this or at least deal with it when it happens?

 

 

P.S Luckily this time he remembered his mobile & actually answered it so he is now home safe just so you know :-)

[Enid]

Hi, I too have had this , but not for a year, touch wood, That exact same senario, it lasted between say 10 to 12 ish, he is nearly 14 now, and could just go in the circumstances you describe,it was seriously worrying, no help to you I know just support from someone who knows that heart stopping moment when you realise they are gone, keep strong. enid

[Sally44]

Sometimes they just don't see the need to communicate information.

For example my son also disappears without reason or explanation. The last time he climbed over the garden wall, the dog followed him through the hedge. My son wanted to 'say hello' to the neighbours!! The dog ran out into the road and he went into the road to get it. I only found out because when he walked into the room he said 'sorry for nearly killing the dog'. And only told me what happened when I asked him 'what are you talking about'. I had no idea he had even left the house!

Also if anything upsets him or he gets into a fight at school - I hear nothing about it. He doesn't seem to understand the need to communicate information.

But you can talk to him about these things. I try with things like asking my son "when you are at school what is mummy doing". In this way I can try to teach him that he does not know what I am doing if he cannot see me, and in the same way I don't know what he is doing if I cannot see him.

You can use stories and then stop at a crucial part of the story and ask him "what do you think happens next".

Some schools do have games that you can take home to play that raise some safety issues etc.

[minerva]

Thanks Enid, always good to know you arent alone :-)

 

Thanks aswell Sally but its hard enough to get more than a grunt out of a 15 year old at the best of times. He really isnt going to want to listen to social stories

[Tantaz]

I have every sympathy with you, my 12 yr old has just started doing this, first time back in April when he left home about 5.30am and walked a couple of miles into the local town where he ended up in the high st in tears. He was eventually found a by a decent member of the public going to work at 7.30am so they called the Police. I didn't wake up until 7.30am and he'd already been gone for 2 hrs and I had no idea! Unfortunately due to his lack of communication he couldn't tell the Police where he lived, it was only because I rang them up and reported him missing that they had just picked him up. He also tried to do it a couple of days ago - he escaped via his roof outside his window. I have now locked all windows and all doors at night time. He seems to do it for the same reason as your son, well he can't communicate very well. I totally empathise with you and for us mums it's a very touch and exhausting time. But luckily he is safe but it is a worrying time for you. Anytime you wana to get in touch, I'd be happy to chat - Good luck!!

 

Tania

[Enid]

I saw those tracking devices that you can put on them recently, they are a brilliant idea, my lad would just take them off but they would be a life saver for some. Enid

[minerva]

I havent heard of them? Do you have a link?

 

I always wanted to get his mobile phone tagged but without him knowing. Just for emergencies! The programs that do it will not do it without the person accepting it so it isnt much help for me :-(

 

I think the police should be able to place it onto someones phone in circumstances like this.

 

He has been gone overnight before, only twice but its terrifying!! I just have to think about the manpower he wastes!

 

Last time he went he ended up sleeping in the train station in Weymouth (we live in Bristol by the way!)

 

 

[JsMum]

 

 

what about some communication aids, visual cards that help give a description to help them express their feelings, we use a feelings wheel, it has a picture of a face with a discription, we also have a list of things we can do to help him express his feelings using various materials, such as craft, clay, paints, or musical instruments, anything basically that helps them put across how they feel with using little verbal.

 

if the urge is to go for a brisk walk what about the offer of your company, so he isnt alone, or that in future he has to tell you where he is going and when he will be back, or again a visual card showing he is off for a walk and he gives it to you.

 

Other than his bedroom is there anywhere in the house he can go to just chill out, an area that becomes his area when he has problems he cant deal with but make it really cozy and relaxing but it is also a sutble signal he requires some support or just company no talking but a feeling of someone there that cares about him.

 

We are ordering more visual cards that have more complex feelings, and ideas on how to learn to cope with certain things such as disapointment, been ignored by his friends, or been left out of something, its still early days so were still working on the social inclusion thing, and the recognition of feelings, but maybe it will help with the expressing and communication difficulties for your son.

 

Anyway just some ideas.

 

 

JsMumxxx

 

[Sally44]

I havent heard of them? Do you have a link?

 

I always wanted to get his mobile phone tagged but without him knowing. Just for emergencies! The programs that do it will not do it without the person accepting it so it isnt much help for me :-(

 

I think the police should be able to place it onto someones phone in circumstances like this.

 

He has been gone overnight before, only twice but its terrifying!! I just have to think about the manpower he wastes!

 

Last time he went he ended up sleeping in the train station in Weymouth (we live in Bristol by the way!)

 

You could be 'economical with the truth' and tell him the tracking device is so that you can find the phone if he loses it.

[minerva]

LOL Sally!!, its a nice idea i like it! Unfortunately hes far too clued up for that

 

Jsmum, how old is your son?

Edited September 23, 2009 by minerva

[JsMum]

LOL Sally!!, its a nice idea i like it! Unfortunately hes far too clued up for that

 

Jsmum, how old is your son?

 

 

Nearly 13yrs old, though his development is a 3-4 year lag.

JsMum

 

[Enid]

I saw them in the NAS monthly mag. but if you cant get him to have a tracker on his phone it wouldnt be any good, he would just take it off!! Pity we cant micrp chip them!!!! Enid

[minerva]

J's Mum, My son is 15 going on 40! He had a reading age of 16 year when he was 8, he is slower on some things, but would unfortunately not be impressed if I tried to tell him any kind of story. I only wish I knew about them when he was younger!! We may not be where we are now!

 

Enid I thought you meant the trackers that you cant see, as in they just pinpoint your mobile phones location via satellites etc. If I could get his phone to accept it without him knowing then he wouldnt know it was on there to take it off. But I have a nasty feeling that they will periodically text you randon rubbish so i'd not get away with it.

 

Maybe its worth a try, if it goes wrong I havent lost anything (well except for him again!! )

Edited September 24, 2009 by minerva