how to let him understand when computer time is up?

[justine1]

HI

I started letting Sam play on the computer in December,he is six,we don't have any other consoles just a computer.Anyway,his older brother gets an hour so decided Sam can have 30min to start off.My problem is that he gets angry when the time is up,today he started throwing things including a heavy wooden chair.I have tried a timer as a visual reminder,I have tried warning him when he has 5min,showing him the time on the bottom of the screen,I am not sure what else to do he seems to dissapear into the game and I cant get him out

[baddad]

HI

I started letting Sam play on the computer in December,he is six,we don't have any other consoles just a computer.Anyway,his older brother gets an hour so decided Sam can have 30min to start off.My problem is that he gets angry when the time is up,today he started throwing things including a heavy wooden chair.I have tried a timer as a visual reminder,I have tried warning him when he has 5min,showing him the time on the bottom of the screen,I am not sure what else to do he seems to dissapear into the game and I cant get him out

 

If you're using a visual timer and 'counting him down' i don't think there's much else you can do apart from stick to your guns and work through the angry barrier until he gets used to the idea. Better to do that now, when he's six, than set some unhelpful precedents that will make it even harder further down the line. Harsh though it sounds, if the 'angry barrier' is a really bad one I'd suggest a days 'suspension'.

Think of it this way: if you've told him half an hour and his anger gets him an extension on that then he's in control. 6 year olds shouldn't be in control, and six year olds who do gain control will not be very keen on relinquishing it later on. Also, extensions are 'open ended': if winning today gets him an extra five minutes then tomorrow he'll be looking for 5 minutes + and the day after that it will be five minutes ++ . That's human nature, sadly

On the plus side, every study has shown that kids who are given firm boundaries are reassured by them, because it removes all the inconsistency and variables from the equation.

 

L&P

 

BD

[julie1]

I agree with Baddad cant see another way round it im afraid. you never no someone else might have another idea. wishing you luck we have these kind of problems on and off with our children, they do like to push us to the limits.

[justine1]

If you're using a visual timer and 'counting him down' i don't think there's much else you can do apart from stick to your guns and work through the angry barrier until he gets used to the idea. Better to do that now, when he's six, than set some unhelpful precedents that will make it even harder further down the line. Harsh though it sounds, if the 'angry barrier' is a really bad one I'd suggest a days 'suspension'.

Think of it this way: if you've told him half an hour and his anger gets him an extension on that then he's in control. 6 year olds shouldn't be in control, and six year olds who do gain control will not be very keen on relinquishing it later on. Also, extensions are 'open ended': if winning today gets him an extra five minutes then tomorrow he'll be looking for 5 minutes + and the day after that it will be five minutes ++ . That's human nature, sadly

On the plus side, every study has shown that kids who are given firm boundaries are reassured by them, because it removes all the inconsistency and variables from the equation.

 

L&P

 

BD

Thanks BD.No way will I give him extra time,no matter how angry he gets I did suspend his play after this anger and he actually took the "punnishment" quite well and find something else to keep himself occupied.I just think he can see his brother going for longer and he doesnt know why,his brother also gets extra time on weekends providing he is good at home and does all his homework whereas Sam does not behave at school (he did manage one week and got his extra time) and during XMAS holidays he was brilliant so also got "rewarded" extra 10min a day.So is it fine to add on this extra time for when he behaves?OR am I confusing the issue and therefore should just stick to the 30min regardless?I think the other problem is his older brother "takes over" when trying to show him how to play,this really makes him angry and today Josh was chewing while howing him which he hates,so I reckon this is what "set him off"Thanks again,you are right as usual

[JsMum]

 

 

 

What about the traffic light timer, this gives a gradual warning for the time left, so green, amber, red, this worked better with J as he needed a warning before his time was up, he hasnt got the conceptual method of time scale, he know the word 10 mins but doesnt know how 10 mins feels or what time scale that is phsically.

 

 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Learning-Resources...r/dp/B0007DHU0S

 

Another visual timer is a computer timer, that has a visual display that sits on the top of the screen and shows you the time you have remaining, there is different sounds too for when his time is up.

 

http://www.ed-solutionsdirect.com/resources/timetimer2.htm

 

What he needs a warning system that his time is nearly up basically.

 

What about a social story about a boy who reacts the same as your son and ask him what should this boys mummy do, see if he has any suggestions and then suggest that he tries them for when you ask him to come of the computer.

 

Some of my friends use Puppets to tell a child that its time to come off soon or time is up, ect,,, the child relates to Tiger saying it rather than mum!

 

I think he also needs a warning that he will loose his computer time the next day so he can make a decision.

 

When J was younger I had laminated cards that explained he had acurred a Computer Ban with space for the date and the reason so I could reliterate the next why his computer time was banned as he could not remember why he had the computer banned the day before due to memory impairments.

 

Also have a distraction tool for him after his time is up, so maybe a Bath, or a puzzle, or an acitivity doing a board game as he will of been very stimulated after 30 mins on a computer, and may need some other form of activity to calm down.

 

Another thing I do with J previously was include any computer time in his visual routine planner, and have him tick it once it has been done and go on to the next task.

 

JsMumxxxx

 

 

 

[NobbyNobbs]

being a completely mean person i would take the attitude that if he cannot deal with coming off the computer it is best he doesn't get on it in the first place. i would explain it to him, and tell him he can have another go at getting the behaviour right in a week. if he then still went nuts i'd move it to 10 days and try again, then 2 weeks and then give up and ban it for a considerable time until he is older (6 months probably) and begin the trial again.

 

in a more moderate mood i would agree with BD that the boundaries need to stay consistant. i think perhaps the flexibility of good behaviour rewards etc is confusing the issue and i would move those onto something completely seperate. we place rewards onto things that are not part of the daily routine so that it is clear that it is a one-off reward for the correct behaviour. we use things like painting/cooking that are rare treats rather than regular activites.

[JsMum]

we use things like painting/cooking that are rare treats rather than regular activites.

 

 

Well I use these for J as a way of theraputic activities as they help him Express his feelings and are a good tool to help J relax, as he has High Anxiety Levels, so though it may appear that this is a Treat, for some children its actually Therapy and it is also something his school do so I cant be doing it wrong, your suggestion of not even having computer time altogether would mean J wouldnt get the oportunity to even learn because after even a day he would of forgotten why the computer was not there, some children do Need flexability and negotiations as Ive learnt also by been a parent too.

 

We all do it differently because our children are all individual, I was only sharing my ideas. they are not wrong, and there certainly Not Treats!

 

JsMumxxx

 

[justine1]

Thank you Nobbynobbs and Jsmum,so I think its agreed that the treats/rewards should be separate,this helps me alot thank you for that.Also will have a look into the timers you suggested Jsmum,thank you <'>

[baddad]

I just think he can see his brother going for longer and he doesnt know why,his brother also gets extra time on weekends providing he is good at home and does all his homework whereas Sam does not behave at school (he did manage one week and got his extra time) and during XMAS holidays he was brilliant so also got "rewarded" extra 10min a day.

 

That thing with older bro is difficult, but i thin there's a good 'long term' lesson there as well - that his bro is slightly older and therefore will get certain age concessions. Anything you can do to balance that (i.e. he gets extra 'golden time' or bro gets more chores) would take a lot of the sting out of it for him...

I also think it's a good idea to keep school rewards/ good behaviour rewards separate as much as you can, but if 'puter time is a really big incentive for him then linking it in an indirect manner seems like a good option (i.e. he can't have his 'regular' puter time taken away for things that happen in school but he can earn 'extra' puter time and he can lose the 'extra' time. A separate star chart or reward scheme might help him to distinguish between the two...

As far as his older bro 'helping' him on the 'puter - I'd watch this very carefully. Genuine helping and cooperative play is a great bonus, but even with friends I know that 'helping' my son can sometimes be more a case of 'taking over' - and if it's valuable reward time rather than social play that would be even harder for the displaced littlie to accept.

Sounds mostly like you're handling it all really well anyway, so i hope my own/other peeps posts have been reassuring.

 

L&P

 

BD

[NobbyNobbs]

i'm somewhat confused but just to clarify...

 

i used the examples of painting and cookery as treats because in our house they are. K at 4 is out of the house anywhere up to 8 hours a day and there simply isn't the time to get all the painting stuff out regularly when she goes to bed before 6 (plus K has a tendency to throw paintbrushes and paint her hair so it involves covering the whole room in plastic). i was not suggesting that it is in any way wrong to use these as therapeutic tools, or that it was wrong to use any method that works for any other child. i'm sorry if you felt i was commenting on your parenting skills Jsmum, but i didn't see any mention of either painting or cooking in your post so had no way to know that you used these.

 

i was simply tying to illustrate to Justine1 that we used activities that were not part of Ks everyday life as rewards rather than adding to things that she did regularly. i do not intentionally restrict Ks access to either painting or cooking, it is simply down to the constraints of a child who sleeps 13 hours and is out of the house another 8. it leaves very little time for anything.

[Mandapanda]

Hi Justine

 

Using the above suggestions is a good idea.

 

On the other side, we found that when it is time to come off, our youngest could not just come off, he had to finish the 'bit' he was doing. We found it very useful to discuss with him what he was doing and what he needed to do to come to a convenient point, and how long that might take, 2 mins/10 mins/or more. Would you want to be pulled off the computer in the middle of typing a post? This is the way we approached it and it has worked very well for us. This helped our son learn about discussing, negotiating, estimating time etc.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I too agree with Baddad. If by getting angry he gets extra time on the computer, things will only worsen. If on the other hand he realises there are consequences ie one day's suspension, then he will eventually get the message. In my experience with my son, disciplining him usually means that initially things will get worse before they get better. Stick to your guns and kiddo will get it that you mean what you say. Might also be worth rewarding him when he doesn't get angry ie give him an extra 5 minutes. That 'carrot' might be a big enough incentive to stop the anger.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[baddad]

On the other side, we found that when it is time to come off, our youngest could not just come off, he had to finish the 'bit' he was doing. We found it very useful to discuss with him what he was doing and what he needed to do to come to a convenient point, and how long that might take, 2 mins/10 mins/or more. Would you want to be pulled off the computer in the middle of typing a post? This is the way we approached it and it has worked very well for us. This helped our son learn about discussing, negotiating, estimating time etc.

 

absolutely!

Sorry, missed that point in my other posts, but it is quite an important one and a 'reasonable concession'. Having said that, though, it brings all those other points ('countdowns' negotiation, time-estimation...) to the fore, and you have to be careful to ensure that they do not 'start' () a new game that's gonna take twenty minutes to play five minutes before your due to call 'time, gentlemen please...' You know, it's amazing how kid's conceptual understanding always works in their favour

 

On negotiation generally (other than rewards/sanctions, I mean) it's always a good idea to avoid rigidly fixed times if you can. When Ben was learning to tell the time I shaded grey areas onto the face of the timetable clock to illustrate fifteen minutes or so either side of the planned activity, and I've always been careful to have 'average' rather than 'set' mealtimes etc. Of course, you then have to plan 'casual time' back IN to situations where timing is of the essence; like school starting time or travel arrangements, but generally that's a much easier task...

 

L&P

 

BD

[Kathryn]

I used to know a mum who, to avoid battles with her 5 year old son, used to quietly turn off the computer at the mains when she wanted him to come off it (the plug was in another room). For a long time he believed there was a problem with the computer and never questioned it.

 

I don't know how long she was able to keep that up for before he finally caught on!

 

K x