Dealing with confrontation at work appropriately

[Jannih]

I originally put this on KerryT's thread but removed it as I felt that I might be hijacking her topic. So if you think it looks familiar- it is- you are not going mad. LOL.

 

I would like to know how I can communicate my feelings without a meltdown. At the moment, if I have a "confrontation," I am likely to cry, which I really hate, because I know it is an inappropriate display of emotion which is not justified - and most people are confused by this. Neurotypical people would voice their feelings, and if feeling very aggrieved, might show their annoyance in their tone of voice. The other alternative is, I say nothing, because I know I will cry. This in turn leaves me feeling very powerless. I hate being like this but I can't help it.

 

Someone in Kerry's thread suggested autism cards but I don't think that would be appropriate for me

 

I have not had a diagnosis yet. Maybe I might find that I don't have an ASD after all, and for that reason I have not " come out" yet. I'm not sure if I will "come out" if the diagnosis is confirmed as ASD - as it might not be received very well by my colleagues.

 

At this moment in time, I have told the occasional person at work, in passing, that I have difficulties with face recognition, difficulty with expressing my feelings, that I am not good at managing people etc etc. I am not sure about taking on a label - if there is one that is, pending a diagnosis.

 

I have sometimes thought about emailing eveyone at work and telling them how I feel but I think that might be a bit OTT.

 

Any ideas, anyone ?

 

 

 

[KarenT]

Until about five years ago I used to cry in confrontation (or come very close to it, and back away from the issue to avoid making a fool of myself, thus it wouldn't get resolved). I'm 49 and NT.

 

You're right, it's an inappropriate response to cry in such circumstances but I'd be wary of drawing the conclusion that it's directly linked with emotional issues associated with ASD. In my case it was immaturity, lack of confidence and lack of practice at dealing with such situations (not helped by avoiding them in case I cried ). In time I've learned how to deal with confrontation and be assertive enough to manage it. It's not true that 'neurotypical people would voice their feelings' because very often they're experiencing the same difficulties in expressing themselves as you are.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of practical solutions - for me it came with practice and a need to stand my ground for the sake of my son - but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and it's not necessarily an ASD thing.

 

Karen

x

[Jannih]

Until about five years ago I used to cry in confrontation (or come very close to it, and back away from the issue to avoid making a fool of myself, thus it wouldn't get resolved). I'm 49 and NT.

 

You're right, it's an inappropriate response to cry in such circumstances but I'd be wary of drawing the conclusion that it's directly linked with emotional issues associated with ASD. In my case it was immaturity, lack of confidence and lack of practice at dealing with such situations (not helped by avoiding them in case I cried ). In time I've learned how to deal with confrontation and be assertive enough to manage it. It's not true that 'neurotypical people would voice their feelings' because very often they're experiencing the same difficulties in expressing themselves as you are.

 

I'm not sure what to suggest in terms of practical solutions - for me it came with practice and a need to stand my ground for the sake of my son - but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and it's not necessarily an ASD thing.

 

Karen

x

 

 

By the way I am 56 and probably with a lot of growing up to do !

 

I have done assertiveness courses. I am now able to say what I don't like and to disagree.

 

A confrontation happens, and usually it is down to the so called "autistic traits" i.e told I do not work as a team. The problem is, if I am given work to do, I have to finish it and don't seem to be able to leave it do something else. I get anxious as I see it as a job not done and I know that when I go back to it I will have difficulty completing it because of the interruption.

 

I consider myself as hardworking, and paying a lot of attention to detail, but because I just get on with it and keep my head down, people assume I'm not doing anything!! Meanwhile they seem to find time to joke and lark around and are very slapdash in their work. So slapdash it drives me round the bend !

 

The other day I had to leave the section to find some paperwork and was away for 10 minutes as it was difficult to locate. I told someone where I was going, but on return I was told off for leaving the section when it was busy, even though it was quiet when I left. I felt I could not even speak out and defend myself about what I was doing, even though this paperwork was the responsibility of the person having a go at me !

 

I have difficulty in starting and maintaining a conversation with individuals. I compensate by joining group conversations but was told that it p***s people off as I do not interact with them one to one. I do this, otherwise I would not speak to anyone and there have been so may times when I have been told that I am aloof. I think the way I'm going, I will end up as anold recluse, when that is not what I want.

 

Please excuse the rant but everything is getting me down at the moment.

 

 

[kerryt84]

I thought I was going crazy. I thought I'd read a post that I wanted to reply to but then couldn't find it, lol.

 

This is exactly how I am too. It is such a big problem for me because someone only has to say the slightest thing and I will nearly be in tears. It's ridiculous and I hate being like it. Also if people say something insulting, but are only joking I get upset. The problem is I don't get sarcasm a lot of the time or can't tell when people are joking. I can't really offer any suggestions because I would love to know ways to help myself.

[jon79]

i too have problem with confrentation. i avoid it far as possible but that impacts on all areas of life in work espically and socially. Soon as challenged have "that" gnawing effect in stomach, speech goes and heart racing. It does not leave me with the weaponary to counter verbally the situation at hand or think through properly the situation. If pushed further futther reduce to tears..I am afraid but dont know why this is no real theat to my wellbeing really in grand scheme of things if llok back at it after 2/3 days I dont know know i think is akin to Rooney when he used to errupt on football field and get sent off. I have managed to isolate myself for 20 odd years preveting exposing myself to this

 

 

[Jannih]

I thought I was going crazy. I thought I'd read a post that I wanted to reply to but then couldn't find it, lol.

 

This is exactly how I am too. It is such a big problem for me because someone only has to say the slightest thing and I will nearly be in tears. It's ridiculous and I hate being like it. Also if people say something insulting, but are only joking I get upset. The problem is I don't get sarcasm a lot of the time or can't tell when people are joking. I can't really offer any suggestions because I would love to know ways to help myself.

 

 

We sound like a right pair but its good to know I am not alone !

 

I have that problem with knowing when someone is being serious or joking. Of course it can sometimes work the other way. An ex-friend of mine was joking about me with some of her friends. I took it as good light hearted banter until she said in a tone that suggested she was ashamed of her self, " why I am I being so horrid to you" I then thought, " Yes, why is she being horrid" I was upset enough to make a discreet exit from the gathering without causing a scene. I never told her why I left when she asked me later, otherwise I would have got tearful and I feel so pathetic when I do.

 

BTW I live quite close to South East Herts. area.

 

 

[Sally44]

If I need to talk to someone about something I find it easier to do it on the phone. Because I can also make some notes before I make the phone call. But it isn't easy. People can get offended. My father always used to be brilliant at things like that because he used humour very effectively and could manage to put someone in their place and make them laugh at the same time.

I know that many on the spectrum find using a computer easier because they don't have to try to listen whilst also trying to gather their thoughts about what to say in response. And if the issue is verging on bullying or similar then an email means there is a record of your concerns and any reply you receive to it.

But as already said, there are plenty of NT people who cry. I am typical of a person of gets who can get very angry about things, and sometimes I can control it well and get my point across. At other times I get angry, then overwhelmed, then disolve into tears. But sometimes crying is what is needed. The last time I got upset was during my son's IEP meeting when no-one seemed to understand what I was saying and everyone started to use phrases likes "we understand that you are anxious" etc. After the meeting I did put my concerns in writing to both the school and LEA and I made sure I emphasised that I was not an anxious mother, I was a pro-active one with concerns.

So don't be too hard on yourself.

It also depends on what your work environment is like.

My brother has huge problems with social interaction and has recently moved to a different area with the same employer to move away from a male dominated workshop environment which he could not cope with.

Maybe others will post about whether they have 'come out' or not.

Sometimes it is better to have everything out in the open and say I have an autistic spectrum disorder. That means I have particular strengths and weaknesses. I find x, y and z hard to do and therefore I prefer to communicate with colleagues via email because it gives me the time to process the information, so please don't read anything into this other than it is my prefered way of communication.

If you have a works doctor or the Human Resources department you could talk to them about it. That depends on whether your HR person is someone you think would be helpful and would keep confidences. Hard to know really isn't it.

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Perhaps removing yourself from certain situations may help. Saying something like 'you'll have to excuse me, I need a few moments' to try and give yourself a bit of time. Alternatively, if possible, use email. Despite my boss sitting right next to me, he emails me (I'm NT by the way)!!! Some kind of releaxation technique/s might be worth exploring also.

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline

[kerryt84]

I agree sometimes it is good to cry, but when you can't control it and it happens over the slightest of things you just feel embarrassed and ashamed. I will be on the verge of crying when someone makes any critism about me or something I have done, however small. It's not appropriate to cry in some situations and this has caused me problems before. Usually I can hold it in, but I had to walk out of a parents evening appointment before because i couldn't hold it any longer (and I'm the teacher so it reflects very badly). The problem is that if I'm on the edge talking will trigger it, so I can't even say 'excuse me, I need a few moments'.

[julieann123]

I thought it was just me!!! For the last 12 years I've worked mainly from home, because I hate dealing with confrontation at work - which tends to happen in an office environment because I can't stand inefficiency/injustice/mess (unnecessary wiring and cables is enough to get me in a rage!). I always tried to deal with confrontation in a professional manner, then would basically, cry, then shout, then quit on the spot.

 

Now I work part-time for a lady who knows pretty much everything about me and my traits and foibles, and she is brilliant. If I cope badly or am hideously disorganised in what I do, she takes it with good humour because she knows things will get done, just not in the manner or the order that someone else might do them.

 

I also spent the first 3 months getting lost trying to find the toilet - and its only a small building...

 

 

 

(Afterthought: I just remembered I once quit a job in Debenhams linens dept because I couldn't cope with people unfolding the towels and then not putting them back right...)