Why does my AS son hate to say "help"?

[qwerty]

My son steadfastly refuses to say the word "help". If this word appears in the text he needs to read for school he simply stops and doesn't say anything at all. I have tried to inquire with sensitivity and still have no answer. Any ideas?

[cmuir]

Hi

 

I read the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night. The book talks about how if Christopher (?) walks past X number of X colour of cars, then it's going to be a bad day. Excellent book. I'd spent a few years trying to analyse some of my son's traits/behaviours over and over again. However, after having read this book, it made me realise that sometimes you just cannot apply logic to a complex mind. I'm sure it must make complete sense to your son, but to you and I, it doesn't. My son used to be super senstive to certain words too. He'd even make up words which I had no idea at all what they meant. I hope I'm not being patronising or anything, but that's what I took from the book and felt it applied to my son. Perhaps it's the same. Not sure how old your son is, but it may be he simply cannot articulate why he does that.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

Edited March 2, 2010 by cmuir

[Malcolm Matthews]

My son steadfastly refuses to say the word "help". If this word appears in the text he needs to read for school he simply stops and doesn't say anything at all. I have tried to inquire with sensitivity and still have no answer. Any ideas?

Very interesting. I don't have any specific ideas, but my wife and my 11 year-old son (both dx'd with Asperger's) are notoriously bad about asking for help or admitting they don't know something. It can be pretty problematic at times. My son will never admit to anything less than absolute mastery of his academic subjects even though his grades are consistently dreadful. When pressed, it's obvious he has no idea what he's doing in class. I'm trying to teach him to say "I don't understand this" and to use us and his teachers as resources. I wonder if this "help-avoidance" might be a defence mechanism for your son. In practical terms, the word "help" means, by definition, admitting to a deficiency and inviting others inside our lives at our weakest moments. That's hard enough for NTs to do; it must be incredibly anxiety-provoking for someone on the spectrum. Just an initial thought.

[Imposter]

Maybe he just doesn't like the word.

 

I know when I was growing up I hated saying the word "loo" or "alleluia" or indeed anything with that "loo" sound in. I can't recall why, and now I can happily say any such words with impunity.

 

[jaffacakes]

Could this be a literal thing? Will he ask for help when he needs it, but possibly believes that he is also asking for help when he reads the word?

[JsMum]

I would say in our situation J found it difficult to ask for help for many reasons,

 

on occassions in the past when he was around 6/7yrs old he had difficulties even requesting the help as he had severe speech impediments it was very difficult for him to make any sence of what he was saying.

 

many times he was asked and asked "what did you say J" in front of his peers which made it even harder.

 

so asking for help was really hard for him to do, and then finally when he did request for help his teacher didnt respond with any practical help, he was told to "try" himself, other times when he did "try" and it was wrong his work was either thrown in the bin or totally humiliated infront of his peers.

 

so he became very resentful of asking for help, we had to work very hard to get him to try in another school that was more supportive, and he recieved a statement.

 

As time went on and he recieved Learning support assistance there was times he became embarrassed to ask for help, especially as the gap widened with what he could do and what his peers could. He often felt too embarrassed to admit he needed help like a sence of failure, it knocked his confidence too when other boys would snigger as he asked for help, so I feel looking back he felt humiliated,embarrassed.

 

At home he gets really mad at me if I try and support and assist him so I give him time to try it himself, but J soon gets very angry where often he responds with violence and aggression when he cant do something independant and screams at me to help him, so it can be difficult when to assist and when to let them try, to make mistakes and to cope when it goes wrong.

 

Thats basically what we had to do, let him cope with disapointment, failure and not to strive for perfection.

 

I guess its similair to when I came to realise in the past that I needed help to cope and I know I have to ask for help, there is that dread that no one is going to listen, take it seriously, and if I am going to be abandand?

 

When I ask for help especailly from social services for care needs, I get a dred that they wont listen, and then I am really struffed then.

 

For me when I ask for help its also a relisation I need that support and I feel a bit more vunrable and sensitive.

 

I would look into the feelings it raises for him, get him to discuss how it makes him feel physically too.

 

I get butterflys as I ring the social worker, already working myself up, its stressful.

 

Does he ask for help at home?

 

This point is interesting here what you wrote in your post

 

 

he simply stops and doesn't say anything at all.

 

This sounds like he is totally detatching here, like a desentatising, goes completely numb/mute to prevent feeling/thinking any further, maybe look at some art therapy to help him express his feelings,

 

Maybe he really would like help and doesnt know how to ask and when he sees it he freezes up.

Maybe deep inside he wants to scream this out or release something and he doesnt know how to.

 

My opinion only by the way!

 

JsMumxxx

Edited March 2, 2010 by JsMum