anxiety in employment

[FlutterBy]

Hi i'm new here i did post an intro in another section.

 

my question is for those of you who are employed how do you deal with other people.

i get so exhausted just being around people; constantly thinking what should i be doing now, what should i say. when people talk to me i have to listen really intently coz otherwise it's just noise and sometimes i find it really hard to talk clearly, i mean i find it physically hard and i end up stuttering and getting my words all mixed up. i don't think it's coz of nerves it's more like my brain can't process info that fast and so i'm trying to talk whilst i'm still trying to figure out exactly what was said and what i'm going to say.

the problem is i think visually and so i struggle with processing verbal info. the simplest things confuse the hell out of me!

 

as a result i find 'the workplace' a source of great anxiety. i'm only 21 so i actually have little experience of work but i'm doing a child care course that involves a placement in a nursery and whilst i like working with kids i dread the thought of goin in there. this is actually my second attempt. i spent two years doing the same course at a higher level but didn't complete the work we had to do on placement because it meant having to repeatedly approach staff and parents. and this was after i dropped out of uni.

 

i come home feeling really irritable and snappy. i only do two days in the nursery how on earth am i going to cope full time?

 

i am interested to know what jobs others do and how you deal with your colleagues or if its even a problem. i hope these things will get easier as i get older and more experienced but i actually feel like i'm getting worse.

[Shnoing]

I work in the office of a certain ombudsman service in continental Europe (which I won't disclose). There are 5 people and I'm the only lawyer there, and the only one with a doctorate, so my position doesn't get questioned much. I've needed months, in some cases up to two years, to get used to my colleagues. By now, for each one of them, I have a carefully selected range of topics for small talk, according to their interests (easy enough: three of us have children aged 2-6).

 

What I've learned by now: if you don't small talk with someone, they'll assume you hate them - very dangerous!

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am 28 now, and was diagnosed with Asperger's about 3 years ago.

 

I was very lucky to fall into a niche that worked very well for me. I was working night shifts in a supermarket, so there were no customers and the work was very hard so there was limited time to chat to colleagues. Most of them were very unusual people in one way or another, so I didn't find I stuck out much. I eventually got on OK with others because they knew I would do a good job, but I never really managed to chat very much. For most of the time I was very happy in that job.

 

I have moved house now and I work in a dry cleaning shop. I only have to serve customers as and when they come in, so it is not constantly customer facing like other shop work might be. We are only a small shop, and mostly I work alongside only one other person, though it would have been awful if I didn't get on with him. I guess I have been lucky that he is a very nice person who I have things in common with.

 

I have found that, as I have developed an understanding of the things I struggle with over the past year or so, I have found ways to improve on them. So things have got easier as time has passed, though I don't think it's a spontaneous thing that gets easier due to being older, it is something I have had to work at. Sometimes it can be hard to identify things you can change, but if you have a manager or course tutor you trust they might be able to identify areas where you might improve. For me it's not been anything dramatic, but I have worked on getting the first impressions right, as I have found that people are more forgiving later on if you can make a good first impression. I have found that it works well if I smile and say hello when I first see someone.

 

Working in a nursery must be really difficult because it's really important to liase with your colleagues and a large number of parents who need to feel comfortable with the adults who are caring for their children. Maybe once you qualify you might be able to find different types of childcare work that could work well for you, such as childminding a small group of children. Maybe you could combine a part time nursery job with another part time job, including possibly carrying out clerical work within the nursery.

[Meethoss]

Many people seem to recommend (generally, not yet in this thread) finding a job that doesn't require much social interaction - I would actually suggest that you don't do this. If you hide away you will never learn the skills that you need to get by in life. Whilst, as a group, we struggle with social interaction, with empathy, reading people, picking up social cues etc. these are still things that we can learn.

 

Whilst you may find yourself a job that lets you hide away from these things you will need them in other areas of your life, and if you ever lose your job (which is more and more likely in the current economic environment) you will need these skills to find a new one or else you will struggle to get employed.

 

When reading your third paragraph ("i get so exhausted...") I related to it very well as I also experience this. I find it's worse when there's more than one person talking to me or if I'm talking to someone on the phone (which I avoid at all costs). I often find myself saying "pardon?", "what?" or "sorry?" repeatedly because I just hear noise and it can get a little embarrassing and whilst I know it's because I have Asperger's I also haven't told anyone about this so will often say that I sometimes have difficulty hearing and then people don't seem to worried. Another thing that I've noticed is that my brain is a little slow in interpreting what people have said and I will either reply late or will sometimes ask them to repeat it but then before they do my brain will have worked out what they said.

 

With not knowing what to say I usually compare situations to past experiences and think to myself what worked then and I will try it in the current situation. I also try to remember certain facts about people so I can discuss those topics with them. It doesn't always work but you have to try at these things I've also been inconsiderate all my life when it comes to offering people a drink when they come to my house or when I'm in the office so I make a concerted effort now to do so and that is often appreciated, which helps to build a rapport with people.

 

Finally if I ever find myself feeling anxious I will just find a quiet place and sometimes close my eyes (or not), breath slowly and maybe count to 10. Anxiety IS all in the head and whilst it's often associated with Asperger's it's not directly tied i.e. you don't HAVE to suffer from anxiety it is something you can solve, and as they "mind over matter"

 

So just hang in there - yes it will get easier as you get older but not because you are ageing, rather because you will get more experience in dealing with various issues. But you will have to try hard to do this. I'd focus on utilising the positive aspects of "the condition" i.e. our steely determination, to improve the areas that you lack in.

[smiley1590]

i work in child care part time i've done 2 placements through college work experience i found them difficult stressful hard to cope so i know where you coming from i had to reduce the hours i was doing as became too demanding on me as i have AS ,depression and anxiety and at time also had anger probs too found hard to concentrate on tasks

 

i also on my last course i did at college instead of doing the full diploma i only did part of qualification ( certficate and award) and did my own voluntary work placement which i did in place of their paperwork etc they asked to do as part of it i learnt more about skills needed in world of work and how work with colleauges hard to adjust to and i felt just like you how will i cope and found hard to find the courage to pick up and carry on as anxiety /depressive thoughts take over your mind you become scared afraid all time conscience of new environment so many changes to adjust to makes your head spin and new people etc new kids so much take on

 

from the voluntary position i did at local nursery i was asked by boss to do bank staff then from there a part time position she did offer me full time but can't due to D.L.A benefit i get can't go over 16 hours but does me fine as i can just about cope with doing 13-15 hours that i do each week and i mentally drained and tired from doing that!

 

why not have a chat with youjr personal tutor at college and see there is anything they can do as a course to make it easier you and also have a quiet word with your work placement as mine was so understanding and supportive so i was lucky

 

i find hard even now somedays to go into work when feel so 'bad' inside my head and feel messy everywhere and feel so tired drained i compare myself to other colleagues that are 'normal' and try be 'perfect'

 

so much pressure within work situation even when you normal but this becomes double if you have AS,anxiety ,depression added to the mix complicates things even more i not gunna lie it isn't easy at times i struggle with sensory issues in the nursery loud noises irrate make me angry annoyed feel upset anxious inside

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

i get my words/sentences jumbled up when i speak in conversation especially when talking to children's parents when they come to pick them up to give them a update of how the day gone for them and give them there food sheet i get all flustered confused anxious shuttery it awful i get so embarrassed though sometimes got red and my hand tremor starts to go i also think same reason behind it theory as what you said and explained for yourself being the case i can so relate to you personally when reading your thread sounds so like me!!! i forget things easily so have to be reminded to do tasks that annoying frustrating i find uneasy when we get busy i feel all over the place i misunderstand instructions get them wrong feel silly i ask but don't like asking too much though they say they don't mind i hate when lots of talking my head spins i get fuzzy blends into one noise so i think to do with verbal processing issues that AS causes i tried to overcome with determination and ambition of my dream job ..... hard find balance just right though ... don't think i'll ever be 'just right and settled' it alot to ask from someone with AS and MH probs at least you making an effort to try overcome it and seek employment whatever you struggle with personally that takes true grit and guts to do many wouldn't put themselves out there in world of work AS or not ..... experience is the main key to seeing how it works and improving skills though may be out your comfort zone .....

 

pat on back where needed

well done

 

you sound got low self -esteem have you thought about meds at all for anxiety ,depression you do sound depressed and frustrated with AS anger can sometimes be physical sign and tiredness for depression???

 

 

[Meethoss]

Just a note for Smiley: if you forget things a lot as you say then you should carry a notepad and pen around with you and just note things down - I do this and it really helps because my memory is awful, and by awful I don't just mean I mean it's really really bad! Also if you get flustered when talking I'd again note down what it is that you want to talk about and just go through the list, and take your time. A lot of these problems are quite easy to solve really and the more you do them the less mistakes you will make and the calmer your will become.

 

Also don't worry about asking questions, just persist. I always ask for more detail and my employer, even though they sometimes get frustrated, actually appreciate my attention to detail as it means I get things done right. I honestly believe that if I didn't have Asperger's I wouldn't be half as good as I am at my job (which is very good - I get a lot of recognition from the people I work with because I'm so good at what I do).

[jon79]

meethos i would argue against trying to improve self by exposure to the situation. I have done it for 5 years, and yes maybe improved 1 notch in about the first 3 months, but then no more improvement; stagnated since then. And since in suhc an inhosipital enivironment personal performance falls way below your actual inherent ablity. Now at work i function at about 40% id rate of the level im capable of. Cognitive functioning is much diminished

Other people your competeting against dont put themselves with such a handicap. it is so difficult to progress on when have such an accompanying handicap to work against each day. It does not endeer yourself to collegeues when peformance is so unsatsfacotry as they have pick and rectify your own idicotic mistakes each day( numbers muddled up which has finincial impact of tens thousand pounds) and customers business survivail), and once in downard trend very diffcult to reverse and build self of it. Your own actual presence wholly prevents the functioning of a depatment of 100. Furthermore does not good for ones own perception of self, rather than doing competatnt job now mindset is just surviaval cut self off from all others detracting words. Ring of steel mind. Also worse own performance the less assisitance get from colleuges. There is a perpeptual turmoil battlling out each day to contend with. functioning vs unfunctioning.

 

Ideally if have choice should position oneself in best environment to function at best of ability

Edited March 13, 2010 by jon79

[Mumble]

she did offer me full time but can't due to D.L.A benefit i get can't go over 16 hours but does me fine as i can just about cope with doing 13-15 hours that i do each week and i mentally drained and tired from doing that!

Sorry to go (too tired right now to reply in any coherent way!) but just wanted to say to Smiley that whoever told you this is wrong - DLA is not means tested or affected by employment - you can work full time and receive DLA.

 

[Meethoss]

meethos i would argue against trying to improve self by exposure to the situation. I have done it for 5 years, and yes maybe improved 1 notch in about the first 3 months, but then no more improvement; stagnated since then. And since in suhc an inhosipital enivironment personal performance falls way below your actual inherent ablity. Now at work i function at about 40% id rate of the level im capable of. Cognitive functioning is much diminished

Other people your competeting against dont put themselves with such a handicap. it is so difficult to progress on when have such an accompanying handicap to work against each day. It does not endeer yourself to collegeues when peformance is so unsatsfacotry as they have pick and rectify your own idicotic mistakes each day( numbers muddled up which has finincial impact of tens thousand pounds) and customers business survivail), and once in downard trend very diffcult to reverse and build self of it. Your own actual presence wholly prevents the functioning of a depatment of 100. Furthermore does not good for ones own perception of self, rather than doing competatnt job now mindset is just surviaval cut self off from all others detracting words. Ring of steel mind. Also worse own performance the less assisitance get from colleuges. There is a perpeptual turmoil battlling out each day to contend with. functioning vs unfunctioning.

 

Ideally if have choice should position oneself in best environment to function at best of ability

 

Yes I see your point, but putting yourself in a position where you will never get to use your social skills and hiding there (i.e. just sticking your head in the sand) will also never help. So it might be a case that you need gradually build up and to do so in a relatively safe manner. Either way, you can only improve through exposure to real social settings and through challenging yourself.

[zenemu]

I must admit to being very lucky when it comes to work. The degree I did at uni, ultimately qualified me for a job I found incredibly boring and a little stressful as it required dealing with strangers all the time and making small talk. I lasted about three years and for various reasons I quit.

 

The job I do now (can't really go into details) still requires interaction with strangers, but it also requires complete emotional detatcment and logical judgement. I have an incredibly strict set of guidelines to work within, and it is also part of my job to ensure others are working within their guidelines, and I am not adverse to comfronting them when they aren't doing so. In short, my career is absoutely ideal for me. It is stressful though and can cause anxiety, but equally when I walk away from it I can just forget about it completely which collegues of mine who don't have AS can't do, and their is a huge staff turn over accordingly. Whereas I have been doing my job seven years, which is twice as long as anyone else on my team.

 

I approach work and all interactions at work with strict professionality. It really isn't a social kind of environment anyway which is good.

 

Zen

[baranigirl]

DP comes home from work irritable, shattered and often 'feeling unwell' particularly after time off and returning to work as I have discovered this week after him having 2 weeks off (and away from home) he is awful this week.

 

He works 8-4 and has always mworked full time in several jobs and generally after 2 years he is being 'attacked' by other members of staff (usually his bosses) and needs to move jobs...

 

Am hoping now we know why he behaves like he does (since last October) we can put more strategies in place to help his transistion from work to home much easier, unfortunately as he comes in I go out to work as I hold down 3 jobs all to fit around his 1 job and that is half the battle he gets no 'wind down' time after work

 

I do agree you need to work at the social side and I can understand (finally) how exausting it all is, but I guess if you are working part time you get several days respite from it and surely it is better for you socially to be working a little than none at all?

[zenemu]

DP comes home from work irritable, shattered and often 'feeling unwell' particularly after time off and returning to work as I have discovered this week after him having 2 weeks off (and away from home) he is awful this week.

 

It can be tough, I used to feel like that all the time. It got to the point where I just didn't want to get out of bed to go to work. Because I hated my job so much, If DP is anything like me, because he hates word so much, he is probably having trouble giving it 100% and that then prays on your mind because there is always the risk of being fired and if you need the money, that is just another pressure. It just isn't a good situation to find yourself in.

 

For me, making home life more fun helped a bit. At weekends and a few evenings every week I arranged to do things I really enjoyed. It is something else to focus on. It is important to maintain a positive frame of mind too. Help DP look for something that is a bit more suited to him - for me, that turned out to be working for myself (I am now co-director of my own company). I think it is certainly important to be proactive about looking for something more suitable. Give DP a bit of time to think about what it is he would actually like to do, and what is practical given qualifactions ect. It is incredibly important to be proactive in these situations because it is very very easy to get caught up in a rut where you are miserable at work, home life then suffers and before you know it you are both pretty miserable most of the time. Life really is too short for that.

 

Obviously there are practical things to consider like the financial side of things, the impact on your relationship (little unclear from your post what your relationship is), qualifications and time (work to live, not live to work). You need to discuss these things in depth, and then start making plans.

 

One other thing I would add, is that Tally mentioned working night shifts, which is excellent for some people, it really is. I would say that I tried it for a while (around 9 months in between jobs) and I couldn't cope with it at all. I never got used to it, and was tired and miserable all the time. Thats just a personal thing, and I don't think anyone knows how they would cope with night work until they have tried it.

 

Good luck to you and DP

 

Zen

[baranigirl]

It can be tough, I used to feel like that all the time. It got to the point where I just didn't want to get out of bed to go to work. Because I hated my job so much, If DP is anything like me, because he hates word so much, he is probably having trouble giving it 100% and that then prays on your mind because there is always the risk of being fired and if you need the money, that is just another pressure. It just isn't a good situation to find yourself in.

 

For me, making home life more fun helped a bit. At weekends and a few evenings every week I arranged to do things I really enjoyed. It is something else to focus on. It is important to maintain a positive frame of mind too. Help DP look for something that is a bit more suited to him - for me, that turned out to be working for myself (I am now co-director of my own company). I think it is certainly important to be proactive about looking for something more suitable. Give DP a bit of time to think about what it is he would actually like to do, and what is practical given qualifactions ect. It is incredibly important to be proactive in these situations because it is very very easy to get caught up in a rut where you are miserable at work, home life then suffers and before you know it you are both pretty miserable most of the time. Life really is too short for that.

 

Obviously there are practical things to consider like the financial side of things, the impact on your relationship (little unclear from your post what your relationship is), qualifications and time (work to live, not live to work). You need to discuss these things in depth, and then start making plans.

 

One other thing I would add, is that Tally mentioned working night shifts, which is excellent for some people, it really is. I would say that I tried it for a while (around 9 months in between jobs) and I couldn't cope with it at all. I never got used to it, and was tired and miserable all the time. Thats just a personal thing, and I don't think anyone knows how they would cope with night work until they have tried it.

 

Good luck to you and DP

 

Zen

 

Thank you

 

DP = Darling Partner

 

He has recently changed jobs as him working shifts is what almost killed him (he almost jumped off a building through not coping), he is doing a job he enjoys, but the money is poop but the hours work for him therefore I HAD to find more work to compensate for his HUGE paydrop as we have a hefty mortgage and 4 kids

 

He cannot work nights as those really messed him up, I work them aoccasionally and not bothered by them particularly, once September comes things should be easier on childcare as we will only have one at home in the daytime and it will be more cost effective to pay for childcare for him than for two as we currently do. We have no family around that can help regularly with childcare, his Mum comes over every Wednesday to 'assist' DP with his duties as he cannot cope with the kids very easily he struggles to prepare food for himself, let alone 4 kids as well!

 

DP's main issues are the work to home transistion and he is great if he comes home and keeps doing things, ie putting up a shelf or mowing the lawn etc, however with 2 toddlers in tow he can't do that if I am at work. Like I said before come September I shall review how I am working and it may be better for me to work in the day rather than evenings and hopefully my 3 jobs can help with that!

 

He is meant to be setting up a small business with his friend but that has now gone off the boil which is typical DP, he is all excited about something for a while and then he loses interest and moves on or wants to move on, his latest thing is to move to Ireland or to completely destroy the house by knocking down walls and stuff

[zenemu]

He is meant to be setting up a small business with his friend but that has now gone off the boil which is typical DP, he is all excited about something for a while and then he loses interest and moves on or wants to move on, his latest thing is to move to Ireland or to completely destroy the house by knocking down walls and stuff

 

Yeah, I can be like that. My partner gently nags me about things I need to be doing quite often. Yes it has, does and will cause arguements, but we both know that it is the only way to keep my attention on some things long enough to get it done and once she reminds me of that, I feel stupid and calm down pretty quickly:)

It sounds like you need to do the same. It is entirely thanks to her, and the nagging that I now run my own business doing something I am interested in and very well suited to, and I made nearly £80k last year and nearly twice that this year before tax. That isn't bad really for something I only do a few days every week. If I can do it, I would say most people can

 

Setting up a business was quite easy really too. I just made lists of things I needed to do that day, ticked them off one by one and rewarded myself with a few hours playing a video game and some cake (I like cake)!

The truth is I have never enjoyed work more. It is nice to know that I am not answerable to anyone, I know exactly what needs to be done and how to do it, and I have the option not to go if I really don't want to, but the money is a very good motivator.

 

Zen

[baranigirl]

oh indeed if I didn't nag him gently or otherwise nothing would get done and yes I do nag him about the business too

 

He likes lists! I don't do lists mine are in my head and I get sooo much more done than he does, but he won't write his lists cos he is also dyselxic so I have to write his lists lol

[FlutterBy]

Thanx for your replies guys, really appreciate it. I was too scared to look for ages (-don't ask me why???)

 

I'm all over the place at the moment some days i'm like- what am I even worried about? other days i'm a nervous wreck!

Smiley you say I sound depressed. i'm don't feel sad, just really stressed. i have had depression in the past and i am determined to never let it happen again, it was awful. i was taking sertraline at one point too - it only succeeded in making me really, really hyper(it was entertainment for the family at least!). sometimes i think i must be crazy for wanting to work with kids it's actually a very sociable job compared to other work. I got my fisrt job working in a shop that sells homewares when i was 17, ilasted about 2 mnths and subsequently failed my second year of a levels coz of the stress. i think i'd find teaching child care less stressful than actually doin it so that what i want to do become a tutor myself.

 

baranigirl i can totally relate to what you saying. as tempting as it is i try not to have days off unless i relly need it coz i know i'l feel worse when i have to go back after having time off.

[zenemu]

Thanx for your replies guys, really appreciate it. I was too scared to look for ages (-don't ask me why???)

baranigirl i can totally relate to what you saying. as tempting as it is i try not to have days off unless i relly need it coz i know i'l feel worse when i have to go back after having time off.

 

For a lot of people, but especially with ASD, being in a bit of a rut can be a miserable experience and very stressful, but not as stressful as the prospect of change. I think sometimes it takes quite a lot of courage to make the decision to change your life and a lot more to stick to that conviction. I think the child care course is a fantstic thing and if you can manage to see it through, I'm sure it is something that you won't regret.

 

Good Luck

 

Zen

[jon79]

yeah concur never never have any holiday or time off ill...better to do 7 days per week....and even 1 day break aniexty levels go off scale...and can take 3-4 days to come down to normal functional high level....time off is no good.

Would be better if lived at worked slept showered eat...work