Developing social skills at break times

[lucyemma]

Hi,

 

Just wondering if anyone can give me some advice regarding developing social skills at breaktimes.

 

Ds is 6 and in year 2, he has AS, ADHD, SPLD and Dyspraxia. School say academically he is very bright and their only concern is his handwriting. His social skills on the other hand are at the other extreme. He has no friends and tends to become obsessed with different girls (currently the headteacher/senco's daughter who is in his class ) and won't leave them alone. He can't read expressions very well and when the girls get upset about his constant presence he thinks its all a game and that they are actually happy about him playing with them. He has no idea how to approach other children to play and desperately wants to have a friend. We removed him from his last school partly because they were so reluctant to help that he had got into a vicious circle that the only way he could get children to talk to him was if he called them names. He told me that he would rather have other children calling him nasty names than them ignoring him.

 

At the moment ds keeps telling me he spends a lot of his breaktimes on his own. He does sometimes approach children and ask to play but they usually say no. He will then approach a dinnerlady who will ask on his behalf but the children soon leave him and he's on his own again. He also tends to loiter at the edge of other children's games, watching them and trying to join in if he can but often he is told to go away. He sometimes ends up spoiling other childrens games (I think as he wants the reaction rather than be ignored)

 

Today, he had no-one to play with and asked a girl if he could join her group. She said no so he went to the dinnerlady who talked the girl round. Unfortunately after a short time they walked off and left him. Ds went to play on the slide as their were children there and still no-one would play with him. A stone had been left at the top of the slide so he picked it up and threw it at a group of girls. He just missed a girls head (according to the teacher...or according to ds it landed on a girls leg). He will lose his lunchtime tomorrow and has had a severe telling off by deputy head and also by me (playstation banned etc) but I get the impression that it all boils down to wanting someone to play with him. I'm worried that if nothing is done then one day that stone is going to hit someone's head and then what?

 

Problem is headteacher will not accept his diagnosis and has told us (her exact words) "he is just a naughty boy who has clearly never been shown any boundaries". Ds is on school action and in his IEP (which was done in Feb) he has written:

 

Objective - to improve his ability to talk to and listen to a peer.

Current level - X is able to talk to an adult but is reluctant to talk to another child.

Target - X will be able to take turns with a partner and will be observed doing this once a week

Create opportunities for X to play with a peer in the sand area

Create opportunities to play a simple game with a peer

Create opportunities during talk time in numeracy and literacy for X to talk to a selected peer

 

Headteacher has ruled out the Circle of Friends technique as she feels there is no way he would cope in a group. (Kind of says a lot about his social skills in my opinion). I think more needs to be done and would like to approach school but I'm not sure what to suggest. Has anyone been in a similar position and found anything that helped? Would be really, really grateful for any replies.

 

Thanks

 

Lucy

 

[justine1]

HI

My son sounds so much like yours He is also 6 in year 2(he will be 7 on 17 august) He also targets girls in particular,though there has been two boys as well,he tells them he doesnt want to play but then he follows them everywhere,he often pushes them roughly.One girl in particular has been pinched three times,her hair pulled and her leg bitten by Sam(he was excluded for the biting.)

 

Unfortunatley there solution was to keep him in at playtimes,but I was totally against this as he needs fresh air and loves being "free" outside.So they then tried 15min inside he gets to chose a friend to join him and he plays mostly lego,then 15min outside.This didnt help much so now they doing the same thing but instead he goes outside with a group that does not include those he targets,as their parents have basically had enough,so the class is separated into two groups one goes out while other stays out and vise versa.

 

Has your son got a statement? My request has just been sent off,but I hope they will give some support at playtimes and not just in the classroom as he does need to learn to socialise.We live near a park and he plays with some kids from school and our neighbours son nearly everyday now its getting warmer,there has never been any serious incident,just a few arguments, so he can do it just needs some help.

[lucyemma]

Thanks for your reply. Ds doesn't have a statement but I think we will have to look into it if school can't provide the support he needs. Up to now the school have only kept him in for 5 minutes or so for other incidents as they realise he needs to be with other children to try and socialise. They also have a buddy bus stop but he won't use it as the other children have teased him for standing there.

 

At the moment the school has a name and shame policy whereby if you are naughty at break times your name gets written in either green (warning) or red (to be punished) on a board in the school hall (a big board in a room approx 8 x 5 metres so it really stands out). Ds has no concept of shame as he can't imagine what other people must think of his behaviour. In his case it only seems to reinforce to the other kids (and the parents who regularly walk through there) that "X has been naughty again".

[DMM]

Hi, Wish i could help here but we've been trying for years. My son is 11 and starting secondary after summer. He frequently spends lunch and breaks alone, or when he does play he usually ends up in tears. These incidents are happening several times a day now and sometimes even in class. The teacher has asked if i will take him home for lunch as he's getting so distressed and finding it hard to cope. Although i'm glad he can come home and have a bit of time out, i worry that removing him from the situation isn't helping him. Oh well, time will tell.

Good luck getting some ideas and i will be keeping a close eye to see if i can use any suggestions too.

xx

[lucyemma]

Forgot to mention....as ds is doing so well academically would he still be able to get a statement? I believe I've read somewhere that he would, but if this is right does anyone know would sort of support he could potentially get?

 

Many thanks

[justine1]

Thanks for your reply. Ds doesn't have a statement but I think we will have to look into it if school can't provide the support he needs. Up to now the school have only kept him in for 5 minutes or so for other incidents as they realise he needs to be with other children to try and socialise. They also have a buddy bus stop but he won't use it as the other children have teased him for standing there.

 

At the moment the school has a name and shame policy whereby if you are naughty at break times your name gets written in either green (warning) or red (to be punished) on a board in the school hall (a big board in a room approx 8 x 5 metres so it really stands out). Ds has no concept of shame as he can't imagine what other people must think of his behaviour. In his case it only seems to reinforce to the other kids (and the parents who regularly walk through there) that "X has been naughty again".

On my,name and shame,that sounds really cruel for any child.I would be against that if were at my kids school and I would get them to remove such a negative system.That must be bad for self esteem even if a child was "naughty"

 

My son also doesnt use the Buddy bus stop he thinks its funny and says nobody ever goes there so he wants to pull it down!

 

My son also does extremely well at school academically,again like your son he has some problems with writing,but his reading and maths are age 8 level and he is excellent with PC.So he doesnt really need that sort of support.However he sometimes hides under the table and feels he can do what he wants and shouts out when he is meant to be completing work.As well as the social side.I would get them to get the Ed phsch in and the autism outreach,you can request the statutory assesment yourself,there are some examples dont know how to link but if you look on the education page you should find someone asking the same question.However from personal experience I would say get the ed physch in first is her letter is crucial.

[Suze]

Hi we had similar social /playground problems at my sons primary school.I would request an appt with senco and explain your very real and justified concerns .I would request /ask that they get an autism advisor in to observe him at break times and give them some stratergies for them and your son to use.The head cannot simply ignore his dx on the basis of her opinion!

My son had a get out of the playground card so he could go inside if he felt too stressed .Also I would ask that all staff and mid day assistants know of his difficulties and help him at break times.My son took a few small toys ,books from home to play with at school as well.

My son had a dreadful time at primary school and the playground was a battlefield, however at his anual review at high school this week his key worker told us that at the ripe old age of 14 he is actively socialising with a group of his peers now and is very popular with the girls.So it may have taken 10 yrs of school but he has got there eventually and found his niche and I,m sure your son will too, good luck suzex

[Sally44]

Statements are not about academic ability. They are about NEEDS, which can be social, communication, emotional, academic, physical etc.

Download a copy of the Code of Practise from this website. Read through School Action and SA+ etc. There are categories of 'need' and your child fits. So his supports should be gradually increased until he is achieving. At SA+ he will be seen and assessed by SALT and EP and OT. From those reports the school should put together his IEP. If your child has more NEEDS than can be funded via the schools funding or LEAs funding system, then you request an assessment towards a Statement. If when assessed at SA+ level it becomes obvious that he needs more input then ask for an assessment asap. Usually you need 2 IEPs before you request an assessment.

 

A Statement is a legal document. ONLY the support detailed in it will be provided. So it has to quantify and specify support in terms of staffing provison and hours of support - that is what the CoP says.

 

So for a child diagnosed with what your son has - and he has to have clinically significant difficulties in those areas to have even got a diagnosis - then he probably needs a Statement.

 

Regarding his specific social skills difficulties. Do you have in writing that school think circle of friends is inappropriate because he would not cope with a group?? If not send a letter into school saying "further to our discussion about circle of friends you stated ......" And see if she replies.

 

The SALT is responsible for social communication - the EP is responsible for setting up or providing some supports to school. So all aspects of his speech and social communication should be assessed.

 

Ask the SALT about SCERTS and if your LEA uses it. It means Social Communication, Emotional Regulation and Transitions. It would mean everyone involved with your son would monitor what he can and cannot do. It is like a huge family tree of skills that are all inter-related. So they would mark off the skills he has and quickly identify what he cannot do. Then the SALT should put together a programme to work on that area.

 

There are also Social Use of Language groups, that schools can set up.

 

There are other approaches they can use eg. mentoring, buddying etc.

 

But, you may find that this school is reluctant to do any of these things. However if it is in the Statement they have a legal obligation to do it. Or you may decide that there is another school more suited to meet his needs, and with a Statement you maybe able to get a place there.

[baranigirl]

:(

 

AM sad reading that

 

My daughter is a peer mediator at her school, she is in yr 6 and it is a new thing they have started this yr.

 

It means if she spots someone alone she is meant to encourage them to play with her or another child and also the other children can speak to her (or any of the team) if they are concerned about anything in or out of school

 

Think it is a fantastic idea and in fact her best friend is one of the more challenging children in the school and my daughter has been praised for her patience and understanding with his needs and others in the school

 

They have a bright blue baseball cap to wear when they are 'on duty' and it seems to have been received very well so far!

[DMM]

"Peer Mediator" What a brilliant idea!! I wish our school would introduce something like that. Too late for my son as he'll be leaving in July, but i'm sure it would benefit others!!! Our schools idea of helping my son is sending him home for lunch. Sounds like you have a very caring little girl. Good example for others!!

[baranigirl]

thank you, I am very proud of her

[lucyemma]

Thanks for your replies everyone....it's certainly given me some ideas to use when school restarts. Fingers crossed the headteacher is prepared to actually listen to me...not to optimistic on that one.

[Sally44]

I think it would be a good starting point to ask the SENCO how much delegated funding the school receives for children with SEN and ask them to put in writing to you how they are using that funding on your child to meet his IEP targets. Because 'someone' has to be 'creating these opportunities'. So which member of staff is doing that and how much time are they dedicating to it.

And 'opportunities' is very open ended. Ask for it to be put in writing how this is integrated into his daily timetable.

 

So you are looking for a response which says. XXX receives xx hours of funding. His teacher/TA work with him for 15 mins every day, or 20 mins twice a week etc.

 

You can also ask the school 'which outside agencies they have contacted for advice, information and training'. They should have contacted the SALT, EP and autism outreach teacher. You can also speak with these departments direct. However they do not go into school until they are invited to do so. And schools have budgets for each of these professionals. So if they have 6 hours EP time per term, they are going to be reluctant to spend it unless absolutely necessary.

[Sally44]

Also make sure the IEP targets are SMART. Ask the parent partnership to come to all IEP meetings with you. And when you have 6 months of those IEPs (usually reviewed termly) you can ask the LEA to assess your child towards a Statement. The LEA may refuse outright and you can appeal that decision (and most LEAs do refuse outright to test which parents are prepared to fight). But if the LEA does agree to assess that means that all professionals (SALT, EP, Autism outreach teacher etc) will have to observe and assess him and produce reports. At that stage the LEA may decide that your child does not need a Statement. If you disagree you can appeal that too. But at least you will have made the LEA assess your child. Depending on the findings in those reports will help you decide how to move forward.

 

Is the autism outreach teacher involved yet? You may not need a diagnosis before they can come into school. Phone them up and speak with them. It is worth involving them because when you ask for an assessment all professionals (including the AOT if already involved) will have to produce reports.