My son is becoming more and more aggressive.

[dana]

Hi,

 

My son is 10 (almost 11) now and his behaviour is deteriorating more and more. He becomes angry very easily and find it difficult to control it. He even kicked me once recently and this he has never done before. The headtecher called me yesterday because he called his teacher a b....h and even threatened her. He appologised to her after and said that he was angry and found difficult to control his anger. What is interesting is that his teacher was amazed because the whole last week he was really VERY good that he was even rewarded for good behaviour and efforts to learn in front of the whole school. And than suddenly literally in a few minutes yesterday after the asembly he was very silly and when his teacher told him of several times he became angry at her and called her names. After that he ran away hiding somewhere at school. They were all looking for him, worried. He told them that he was afraid that he would be expeled.

They are trying to help him dealing with his anger. He has a sqeezing ball, the TA takes him out to cool down when he is angry, they tell him to breath deeply etc. I am very worried because I know (even they agree with me) that he doesn't really want to be like that but find it hard to control his growing anger. The last year he never behaved like that, even the headteacher said that at the meeting.

I wonder is it possible that he is enetering puberty so early? What are your experiences and what can I do to help him. He is usually at home behaving well although even that is begining to change now. I am trying to help him understand that for every action there is a consequnce so if he behaves nicely he will be rewarded and if he doesn't behave he will be punished.

He is not a naughty boy by nature. He tries to please us, he even washes the dishes sometimes in order to help me on his own acord.

Sorry for ranting.

 

Danaxxx

Edited May 5, 2010 by dana

[justine1]

Hi

I am having a similar problem with my NT son who is almost 10.He started to "act up" about two weeks ago now.I think it maybe be the pre teens but also think he needs more attention,particularly from his dad.He is still okay at school,he does complain about the work as he is about to move to middle school and wants challenging work.He is also very independent and I feel cause he hasnt "needed" me that much in the past now he needs me it is hard for him to accept the help I offer.

 

After he has had a tantrum I get his dad to have a word and then he is usually okay.

I dont have any suggestions other than to still explain what he has done is wrong.If it gets much worse prehaps you could seek help from the GP.

[baddad]

Hi Dana -

 

it's is possibly an age thing, but i'd also be very worried about:

He appologised to her after and said that he was angry and found difficult to control his anger.

 

He hasn't, by any chance, been watching 'young, autistic and stage struck' has he?

 

Even if he hasn't I suspect there might be a situation developing where his 'inability' to control his temper is being taken as a given, and it's acting as a reinforcer. Giving him a stress ball is helpful, but it is also a visual enforcer that his anger needs 'special handling' and that it's not something he can control without 'special means'. It's a catch 22 - because while helping him develop strategies to overcome 'anger' is beneficial and useful those strategies are also powerful reinforcers and justification when he 'loses it'.

I think the important thing to have running alongside of those 'help' strategies are clearly defined boundaries and expectations, and real and meaningful sanctions when those boundaries are broken with real and meaningful rewards when they are not.

I'm sure he isn't 'naughty by nature' but would temper that with the reality that all children are exactly that to some degree. It's absolutely normal human behaviour, and children, by definition, are less able to compromise, more spontaneous, more impulsive and more reactionary than [most] adults. They are also more likely to react inappropriately when thwarted or frustrated, and equally likely to manipulate any 'escape clause' - like the negative reinforcers mentioned above - to their advantage after the event.

 

I think you're absolutely right to try to:

 

help him understand that for every action there is a consequence so if he behaves nicely he will be rewarded and if he doesn't behave he will be punished.

 

But I think you're underestimating his ability to see that for himself. If he is capable of understanding that he wants to reward you, with washing dishes etc, and you can see sometimes that he is clearly trying - as you've described - then he is equally capable of understanding action and consequence. He needs pracitical help complying with that rather than theoretical help, and at the moment the stuff they are doing in school is all stuff that, without consequences, are potentially rewards and reinforcers. Time Out, for example, can be a period for calming and reflection, but it can also be an avoidence strategy. A stress ball can be helpful in reducing stress, but it can also be a handy 'proof' of stress when used as an avoidence strategy. At worst, both of these things can become very clear threats... As David banner (the hulk) used to say and we heard Ben paraphrasing on 'YA&SS' - "Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry..."

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

 

[Paula]

If youve read any of my posts youll see i had and sometimes still have a similar problem with my son.My son will fly into a rage stomp around kick doors and did give me a kick also ,hell sometimes get right into my face towering over me ...........hes six foot 2 and raise a fist and shout and yell,he doesnt punch me............i do get a bit scared but think sod you i aint backing down and i stand my ground.

 

I do put it down to hormones and age and frustration and everything else

 

 

Sometimes though there can be a reason for it.I say this coz just before xmas my son was realy bad with his behaviour ranting screaming running away from home all hell was kicking of .......i even took him to see the child physcologist who suggested risperodene........i didnt give him the drugs.................because in the end i got to the route of the problem which was my son was terrified of change of leaving his special school and was realy worried.........once wed talked and i explained nothing he didnt want to happen would happen he was the decison maker and if he didnt want college than so be it the tantrums and rages stopped.............now he cant waite to go to college.....................so maybe theres something on youre sons mind that he cant express..........and its comeing out in a angry outburst.............

[Sally44]

What about school and home using a colour system. The colours, and what they represent, will need to be explicitly explained to him. The idea will be that instead of your child and teacher/you getting into a verbal dialogue (which can quickly escalate), you give a simple instruction eg. 'stop running' and produce the first warning card. If that does not work and a second warning card has to be produced, then the child goes to an agreed place 'to calm down'. In school that is an named place he knows, at home it could be his room. The idea is to 'diffuse' the situation at the beginning before it gets out of control. When he is calm you/school can use something like comic strip cartoons to go through what happened.

 

In conjunction with the above you will use rewards for good behaviour and consequences for bad behaviour. But what using something like the above might achieve is show him via a visual symbol that his behaviour is not acceptable and to to give both sides some 'time out'. If this works, it is a strategy that he can learn to use himself. My son just recently removed himself from a situation that was escalating and went to his bedroom to calm down. Yes, I could hear him shouting and crying in his room, but he was not directing his anger at me or anyone else. I believe that is an improvement.

 

And by providing an opportunity for 'time out' to calm down, the child can then learn that situations can be halted before they deteriorate and that they can be repaired.

 

Your son is obviously afraid of being expelled. He is aware of that. Is he afraid because of what you will say? Does he understand what expelled means? Does he get upset at his own behaviour when he reflects on what he has said or done when upset?

[dana]

Thank you all for your replies. <'>

The problem is that my son is often not aware of the situations he is in and also finds very hard to express what he actually feels. He often misreads the people's faces and reactions. He has problems with logical thinking. He plays piano, has good marks in long writing tasks in literacy (3a) but he still asks the questions such as: 'are all people who are baptized Jesus?' or 'why don't people operate pigs to take meat out of them instead of killing them?'(he is almost 11 years old). He still doesn't understand that the same film put on video tape or put on DVD is still the same film no matter how much I tried to explain to him. So for him to understand the concept of cause and consequences is not that simple.

He cannot bear any preassure and works (and behaves) the best when his disability to perform high at all times (like his this year teacher expects from him) is taken into account. The last year teacher did exactly this and he loved her for that. He has never been rude to her and even academically scored better than now. In his IEP is written to write nicely and neatly ALL the time. He cannot do that anyway because he has dyspraxia.

 

Daaxxx

[baddad]

So for him to understand the concept of cause and consequences is not that simple.

 

Daaxxx

 

That being the case, it is vitally important that there can be no ambiguity - If he enacts behaviour 'A' then consequence 'B' will happen...

At first he only needs to make the connection (like a toddler with the word 'No') - conceptual understanding evolves from that connection.

Trying to develop wider, 'conceptual' strategies for someone who hasn't made the necessary connections will just confuse the person further.

Horrible analogy - but a very accurate one: Dogs can't speak or understand 'words' and do not have theory of mind, but with repetition and 'concrete' expectations they can learn to sit when told to do so by recognising the connection between the sound of the word, the expectation that carries and the reward they are given for enacting the behaviour (or the sanction they receive for not enacting it).

A child, whether autistic or not, learns by making the same sort of connections. Again, I do think you may be underestimating your son - if he has the conceptual understanding to apologise and to explain his inability to control his behaviour then he must have the conceptual understanding to know the behaviour is unacceptable - the first, after all, is a much larger/complex concept than the meaning of the word 'no'. He also, from your description, has the conceptual understanding to appreciate that certain words are offensive and that they will have an impact on the person hearing them, which is again a far broader/more complex concept than the meaning of the word 'no'. He also has the very complex ability theorise, predict, rationalise, and generalise regarding the responses of others - very definite 'theory of mind' skills' - because he ran away and hid in full knowledge that people would be looking for him and could predict that a possible consequence of his behaviour might be expulsion.

 

That may not be what you want to hear, but (other than assumptions based on the dx criteria that applies to some autistic people) there is very little in your post to indicate that your son is incapable of understanding in the way he needs to, but a huge amount of evidence to indicate that he can. Of course, that doesn't manage the behaviour - it only indicates that the behaviour is managable. But doing that demands concrete expectations rather than assumptions, exemptions and excuses.

 

Hope that helps

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited May 6, 2010 by baddad

[justine1]

I also think repitition is the key,at least this is what works for Sam(AS)He has been excluded three times,the first time he didnt have a clue what it meant and saw it as a holiday,2nd time he was crying when I went to fetch him and kept apologising to the HT cause he knew he is in trouble,the third time he was absolutley distraught over what happened and said how hard he had been trying not to get into trouble now he has wrecked everything.This is because I have to keep reminding him over and over about what happens when he behaves that way.Also I never make excuses for him,although the third exclusions was down to him reacting to pain in his eye,I still thought the punnishment did fit the crime and although I complained to the HT it was not in front of my son. So all he knew was that he did wrong and was punnished and regardless of how much pain he was in it was no excuse.

 

My eldest son(NT) doesnt need this repitition,I only need to say something once and he tends to understand,that is not to say he wont misbehave but he has a full knowledge of what will happen to him when he does.So I totally get from my experience it is different to explain these things to an AS child than an NT child,but I dont underestimate Sams understanding I needed to try different things to get to the point I am at now where he has much more understanding about the consequences of his actions.I have also learnt to stick to what I have said, I wont back down,I think this has been the hardest cause Sam always says "sorry it wont happen again" and I feel bad but he has really learnt to except his punnishments.He had two days where he couldnt watch telly or go out to play,it was hard for him but he knew which day he would go out and he let his friends know and never complained,so we are getting somewhere

[dana]

I totally agree with you, Baddad, that it shouldn't be ambiguity when teaching him cause-consequence concept.

Maybe I am underestimating his understanding of it. However, one thing is to understand the general concept but totaly different to apply that understanding on particular situation. He did run away from the classroom being afraid that he would be expelled but that was not appropriate reaction because even his teacher and the headteacher never mentioned the possibility of such a thing and they were amazed (last week he was even rewarded at school for being really good the whole week). His reactions are based on HIS interpretations of the events which are often wrong but in his eyes valid. He appologised because he was asked to appologize. When we came home he asked me why he had to appologise. He might know that he should appologize but he doesn't fully understand effect of his misbehaviour on others and that is the thing what really worries me.

He tends to copy silly behaviour of the other children in the classroom which grately annoys them (and his teacher). They don't like him and I tried numerous times to explain to him why it is annoying and that he should stop doing that and what are the consequences if he doesn't stop it.

I also agree with you,Baddad, that it is essential for him to learn to control his anger and behave appropriately (like for any NT child really). One of the reasons I was reluctant to tell him about his dx was that I was afraid he might use it as an excuse. I suppose ASD children take more time to learn how to behave appropriately and I hope that he will learn at one point even if he doesn't fully understand why.

 

 

Danaxxx

 

[baddad]

I suppose ASD children take more time to learn how to behave appropriately and I hope that he will learn at one point even if he doesn't fully understand why.

 

 

Danaxxx

 

 

I think that's pretty much a given! It is the 'conceptual' part of it, though, that is hardest and the black and white defintions, concrete expectations/boundaries etc really help with that. I'm sure he will learn one day - in fact he seems to have many of the skills in place already to build on - but in the meantime it's you and those concrete defintions that'll get him there. Without those, of course, he will flounder 'cos he can only get there by 'intuition' which he hasn't got, iyswim...

The downside of those concrete boundaries is that you have to go through a period where they are too concrete, but that's a lot better than the other thing! As an example, It took AGES for my son to learn not to push in etc on swings and slides at the park. I taught him very concrete defintions, but then he went through a phase of getting really angry at other kids who didn't wait their turn. The concept that he and I could only be responsible for his/our own behaviour was a much harder lesson for him to learn (and a really unfair one too, because if other parents had been as 'concrete' with their kids as I was with mine they would all have been playing nicely!), but he did get there. On the plus side, he now has a very highly developed sense of 'justice' and this has certainly helped him to develop more empathy and understanding.

 

Stick with it... it's a dirty job but........

 

[smiley1590]

i found hard to control my anger and i became so agressive verbally and physically abusive to my parents it got really bad situations and i never really wanted to be that way towards anyone i was so lost and confused within in puberty messes around with your head emotions and feelings and AS does that anyway! does he seem depressed as anger can sometimes be physical symtom of that? does he have time out cool down area at school and home at all? has medication been thought about or anger management or clinical pyschologist involved to work through his anger sometimes i think we get frustrated because isolation etc builds up within us and we explode because we can express our words very well all mounts up and becomes too late to but action in place so need help with direction could you buy your son a punch bag? at home to take his anger out on without hurting anyone!

 

XKLX