Family

[Moogie]

Hi Everyone, I am new here, I am having a hard time this weekend, and I need some people who can relate to me and what I am experiencing...

 

 

On Tuesday last week said told me his plans, he does this each week so I know what's happening.

Dad said was going to his partners 's Friday and him and her were coming with her grand children sat afternoon.

 

X is Dad's Partner, he and Mum divorced in 2001, I live with Dad and have done ever since.

 

On Wednesday he went to X' house, I said to him that Id like to ask them both when I see them, if they wanted to come over one weekend and stop here, as they

don't come much any more, and he exploded and said " Don't you dare talk to her" and I said but it wont be her alone, you will be there too.

 

Dad came home from work as he finishes at 12noon Fridays, and he went to X's house, he phoned at 4pm Friday and said X had said why don't we all go to dinner, which I accepted, I understood it being Dad, I and X and the kids.

 

I confirmed via text that he was coming to get me and then we were going to dinner and then they were going back to hers and then come here sat afternoon as he had told me on Tuesday.

 

He then replied and said that they were staying tonight, and was that a problem, and that he had made this change of the spur of moment, as he thought I would be glad of the company, well being the told me these plans on Tuesday and we had agreed them, he ought to have known would cause me issue by him changing things and making on the spur changes,

 

I told him I wouldn't be coming to dinner and that I was going to Mothers and wished him a good evening and asked that he surly remembers agreeing the plans on Tuesday.

 

While at Mums, he then told me that he was going the caravan, which was another change. At least he told me this. I text him back and said " I wish he would make his mind up, firstly he was coming here Saturday, then he was coming Friday and now he is going the caravan.

 

There is something not right here. his behaviour is very irrational.

 

I went to see Mum tonight, and she says its very odd and that ' there isn't something right here'.

 

Well he is down his caravan now and I am waiting my 'fate' as I am sure to get some kinda of 'telling off' even though its not my fault.

 

When X wants to do something with her Daughter, or her Daughter wants to spend time with X, Dad then will stay home, because they want time together, and he will sometimes reluctantly will help me do things, or take me to B and Q to get things so I can do things.

 

I do stand up to him, be he threatened to throw me out the house on Wednesday when I said Id like to talk to both of them together, he said " Don't you dare, you'll be out the house".

 

I leave things for him to do to see if he will do them, he doesn't, bearing in mind this is my home and not my house, I do more then my fair share of things.

 

I have written a letter that I was going to give to him, would you have a read, it will give you a better understanding of what I am experiencing.

 

I am expecting him to explode again and say " Dont tell me what to do with my time!" I dont tell him, what to do with his time, I ask him things.

And he needs to know how I feel, not that it seems to make a difference, as he just goes ahead and makes the changes.

 

Any help or advice would be very welcome, as I cant be doing with this much more to be honest.

 

Moog

Edited June 13, 2010 by Moogie

[justine1]

Hi

I think given your father and his partner seem mature in age (?)you dont really need to know the plans,unless you were preparing a meal or something and then he changed the plans that would be unacceptable.It also depends on how you contribute to the household,if you paying any rent or bills,you do need to know who is coming or going as its your home too,it also means he cant just kick you out he needs to give you time to find accomadation.I would sit down with your dad and have a chat,explain that you need to know things in advance,if he changes his plans thereafter he needs to stick to that,or not get you involved in the plans in the first place.You can make it that you and him have your own plans at another stage.

 

If it is becoming to much and communication has broken down can you not live with your mum? Or maybe look at getting your own accomadation closer to your dad.

[Moogie]

Hi

I think given your father and his partner seem mature in age (?)you dont really need to know the plans,unless you were preparing a meal or something and then he changed the plans that would be unacceptable.It also depends on how you contribute to the household,if you paying any rent or bills,you do need to know who is coming or going as its your home too,it also means he cant just kick you out he needs to give you time to find accomadation.I would sit down with your dad and have a chat,explain that you need to know things in advance,if he changes his plans thereafter he needs to stick to that,or not get you involved in the plans in the first place.You can make it that you and him have your own plans at another stage.

 

If it is becoming to much and communication has broken down can you not live with your mum? Or maybe look at getting your own accomadation closer to your dad.

 

 

I have tried sitting him down and trying to talk - but he wont disscuss, he is so dissmissive.

When X wants to do something with her Daughter, or her Daughter wants to spend time with X, thats allowed, but I am not allowed to ask to have help with stuff in our house or such like, and he says he encourages X to spend time with Daughter, so why cant he do that with me or why am I now allowed to? When I suggest he says no but when X's Daughter does its allowed and Dad stays home.

 

I do everything in the house, and I am asking for help. But it seems I am not allowed to.

 

I have asked for help with the garden, his answer, " Im not good at gardening" I havent asked him to do plants, I need help cutting and laying decking.

I have said its not fair that he goes to work all day and then is expected to work again in the evening, thats why I have ASKED not told, for help at weekends.

 

 

[Tally]

Presuming you are an adult, I don't think you get to dictate what your dad does with his time and how much notice he gives you. Many people change their plans at short notice. It's not irrational, it's common. You and your dad are obviously not suited to sharing a home. Maybe you need to think about finding your own place before your relationship deteriorates even further. Then you would not be at the mercy of his changing plans in your own home.

Edited June 14, 2010 by Tally

[Moogie]

I have to say I am finding the replies most unhelpfull, can I ask do the above have Aspergers?

Have you tried seeing what I have posted from my point of view? As from your replies you havent stopped to see it from my view.

 

My Mother can see it and so can two of my friends I told today, they think his behaviour is bad, and that he should think about me before he makes changes.

 

If no one can post something helpfull then please do not answer this post. Thank you.

[trekster]

Hi

I think given your father and his partner seem mature in age (?)you dont really need to know the plans,unless you were preparing a meal or something and then he changed the plans that would be unacceptable.It also depends on how you contribute to the household,if you paying any rent or bills,you do need to know who is coming or going as its your home too,it also means he cant just kick you out he needs to give you time to find accomadation.I would sit down with your dad and have a chat,explain that you need to know things in advance,if he changes his plans thereafter he needs to stick to that,or not get you involved in the plans in the first place.You can make it that you and him have your own plans at another stage.

 

If it is becoming to much and communication has broken down can you not live with your mum? Or maybe look at getting your own accomadation closer to your dad.

 

OP mentioned that her dad wanted her out of the house when X and him came back so that could have been the major issue with the change?

[trekster]

Presuming you are an adult, I don't think you get to dictate what your dad does with his time and how much notice he gives you. Many people change their plans at short notice. It's not irrational, it's common. You and your dad are obviously not suited to sharing a home. Maybe you need to think about finding your own place before your relationship deteriorates even further. Then you would not be at the mercy of his changing plans in your own home.

 

i dont think this was an issue, just the fact he changed things suddenly and kept changing them, OP needed to know when he would be back at the house, maybe because OP was supposed to be out of the house when OPs dad and X came back.

[Kathryn]

Hi Moogie,

 

Welcome to the forum.

 

The first two posters (I'll leave it to them to tell you whether they have AS or not ) have taken the trouble to read through your lengthy post, think about it, and offer their honest opinions and practical suggestions to resolve the situation. They have done so in order to be helpful and supportive. You may not agree with what they say, but if you don't find the advice to your liking, you can just choose to ignore it and wait until somebody eventually posts something which confirms what you already think and feel.

 

Anyone can post their opinion in a thread on the public forum - you don't get to make the rules, I'm afraid.

 

Sorry to hear you're having trouble with your family. I think if you're finding it difficult to talk to your Dad, writing him a letter is a good idea. It may not change his behaviour but at least you'll know that you've expressed clearly to him how you feel.

 

Kathryn