Relationship Advice Please !!!!!!!!

[Flice]

Hi Everyone,

 

I was hoping to get some advice, so here goes. I recently started a relationship and early on he told me that he had AS he has explained lots of things to me and new ones if and when they occur (which they do). The first thing to happen was when he didn't get in touch with me at all or reply to my texts and calls. To be honest I thought he was bored and wanted to end the relationship. After a few days he got in touch, we met up and he told me he very often needs time alone, a time when he don't want to speak or be in contact with anyone. Even though I find this hard to understand I have and will put up with it. I really like him, but.. I am not sure how he feels, should I ask him?

 

Anyway he has not been in touch now for over a week, I don't want to text or call him (don't want to bother him) if he needs alone time. Is that the right thing to do. I am getting so many mixed messages, just as I am thinking maybe I should end this he pops back up all happy and himself again.

 

I just don't know what to do for the best, I would really like this to work but don't know how to go about it. Any advice please.

 

Thanks

[justine1]

Hi

If you not living together and dont see each other then surely he is getting plenty of space?

Dont see why he cant text just to say "hi," I can sort of get the not calling as some people with AS find it hard to talk on the phone. I think you need to ask him why you cant text or call,maybe there is more to it,maybe he has other things on his mind.But...I mean a week is really long.How long have you been together? Also explain how you feel about him and how you feel not being able to call him,maybe you can write it in a letter for him.

 

Just remember AS is not always the reason behind all behaviour it could be just his personality.

[Tally]

Hi Flice, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult with Asperger's, and I do like to spend time alone. However, it's not really fair that you have to guess what he's thinking based on absolutely no contact. It wouldn't actually spoil his entire day to drop you one text message telling you he can't talk today.

 

Most people with Asperger's have a lot of difficulty seeing something from another person's point of view. He might not realise that you don't know what he is thinking when he doesn't contact you. If he realised how it made you feel then he might actually be quite upset that he'd left you feeling this way and be interested in trying to find a way around it. A relationship has to be about compromises in both directions, and he needs to acknowledge your need for some kind of contact as strongly as you're acknowledging his need to be left alone.

 

I think what you need (if you can get hold of him) is a frank conversation about what each of you are expecting from each other and maybe some ground rules like maybe him contacting you at least once per day - and in return you can leave him to it if he asks you not to call today.

 

As for asking him how he feels about you, I think that is probably the only way you are going to find out

[Flice]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the fast reply and to be honest I think I already knew the answers just needed someone with more knowledge on this to confirm it for me. We have been together for about 8 months and in that time I have always gone out of my way to try and see things from his point of view. For example I act more on impluse, haven't got a problem with change (he has) so I will stick to routines and plan things in advance, not a problem at all for me.

 

Your right a relationship is about compromises in both directions, but I feel it has been me doing all the hard work. I have spend this week thinking all kinds of things - why he hasn't called? Is he alright? etc etc. My head is spinning and I am fed up with feeling sad, lonely and more to the point Single!!

 

Thanks again for the advice.

[keith1]

I have always gone out of my way to try and see things from his point of view.

 

If he isn't actually upsetting you, if the only problem is you worrying yourself, then just stop it. If he can't deal with you that's his problem, AS or not.

[baranigirl]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the fast reply and to be honest I think I already knew the answers just needed someone with more knowledge on this to confirm it for me. We have been together for about 8 months and in that time I have always gone out of my way to try and see things from his point of view. For example I act more on impluse, haven't got a problem with change (he has) so I will stick to routines and plan things in advance, not a problem at all for me.

 

Your right a relationship is about compromises in both directions, but I feel it has been me doing all the hard work. I have spend this week thinking all kinds of things - why he hasn't called? Is he alright? etc etc. My head is spinning and I am fed up with feeling sad, lonely and more to the point Single!!

 

Thanks again for the advice.

 

 

I think you have answered your own question here

 

Big hugs, am having relationship probs here too and it's hard hard hard xx

[trekster]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the fast reply and to be honest I think I already knew the answers just needed someone with more knowledge on this to confirm it for me. We have been together for about 8 months and in that time I have always gone out of my way to try and see things from his point of view. For example I act more on impulse, haven't got a problem with change (he has) so I will stick to routines and plan things in advance, not a problem at all for me.

 

Your right a relationship is about compromises in both directions, but I feel it has been me doing all the hard work. I have spend this week thinking all kinds of things - why he hasn't called? Is he alright? etc etc. My head is spinning and I am fed up with feeling sad, lonely and more to the point Single!!

 

Thanks again for the advice.

 

i feel the situation is due to the fact that there is no right answer to the question "how often should i keep in contact with my girlfriend?"

Its a grey area for him, maybe hes not ready for a relationship with anyone.

i don't think it's anything to do with making compromises, relationships are emotionally draining for both parties. i don't think he knows what is

expected for him which is where the rules of relationships can be brought in.

 

for example

 

(this will depend on how much social contact he can have with anyone)

1, Once day a month we cook dinner for each other, i will cook next month you can cook the month after.

 

2, My best days for going to the pub (or other activity you both enjoy) are, what are yours?

 

3, (if he has a computer), i would like 1 email per week telling me about your week, i will send you

an email about my week as well. We can have an email conversation when you aren't able to socialise.

 

4, When we go to the cinema together i can pick the film one week you can pick the film the next week.

 

In one sentence it "isn't a problem to stick to routine and plan things in advance" but in another there's a mention mention about "doing all the hard work".

The hard work of asperger folk is often invisible, emotions can overload us very quickly whether good or bad hence the extended downtime.

 

Downtime is like his brain having a very long defrag. Information is rearranged many times but in order to process that information the input has to be much lower. If you have other programs open at once on a PC whilst attempting a defrag it will slow the defragging down. Now think of other programs as doing the housework, eating, sleeping, choosing what to wear and arranging to meet with my girlfriend as being extra programs in a defrag, the process on a PC would restart over and over again (cant recall if it would give up after sometime). Same happens for your fellas brain attempting to rearrange all the information happened during that day. This isn't anything against you or him being selfish just a survival mechanism. Once his defrag is over he will be able to answer your calls or texts again.

 

He seems able to explain how his aspergers is affecting him and seems to want to educate you about it. Apart from this "disappearing" and your feelings towards him, are there any other worrying behaviours about him that upset you?

 

i can fully understand that you are upset because he doesn't keep in contact, i don't think his behaviour is done out of malice though. Could you try Relate together? Maybe a mutual party that can see you interacting together can help you both to communicate effectively?

 

ive had relationships with autistic men that phone me up daily and ones that wait for me to contact them. Also from fellas that get funny with me for not contacting them which causes the problem to get worse and i get too scared to contact them.

 

[cmuir]

Hi

 

That's great that he's told you how he feels ie he needs time alone, but equally he needs to understand how you might be feeling. This is something he may find difficult and so you need to be direct and tell him. Quite simply, if he needs time alone, perhaps you can tell him that you don't know how he feels because of the communication gaps (you wonder if it's a sign that he's not interested) and suggest that he drops you a text saying that he's okay, but needs a few days and he'll be in touch.

 

Caroline.

[Flice]

Hi, and thanks again for your help. Explaining 'downtime' like a computer Defrag was brilliant. i didn't realise there was that much to it.

 

It is just difficult for me to understand how he thinks, but I am willing to educate myself on AS.

 

Thanks again.

[baddad]

Hi, and thanks again for your help. Explaining 'downtime' like a computer Defrag was brilliant. i didn't realise there was that much to it.

 

It is just difficult for me to understand how he thinks, but I am willing to educate myself on AS.

 

Thanks again.

 

 

Hi Flice - just a quickie to say that 'I didn't realise there was that much to it' might be a bit of a wooden horse. It's just as likely there isn't actually that much to it, and the reasons for his absences have nothing to do with 'defragging' at all. And even if he is 'defragging' then it's sort of irrelevant if that is not what you want from a relationship, iyswim.

Relationships have to fulfill both parties, and both have to compromise to make them work. All relationships are different, I know, but I can say that most of the autistic couples I know/have known (either one or both with a dx) - especially in the early stages - are as keen to be together as much as they can be as 'NT' couples. 'As much as they can be' might be a bit less, because they might find other aspects of being around other people problematic, or they might do 'together' stuff that's slightly unusual (i.e. be in the same house but not the same room or in the same room but each doing their own thing), but no contact a week or more is extreme by all standards i've ever encountered, autistic or NT.

Two things to think about would be is this is first relationship and if not how did the others pan out (be wary - if you ask 'is this your first relationhip' it may reveal a difference of opinion about what a 'relationship' is. He might say 'yes', which you would interpret to mean he hasn't had girlfriends before, while he is thinking 'relationship like this' and he has in fact had lots of girlfriends before, but because they fizzled out he now doesn't view them as 'relationships'... Hope that makes sense, but for many people the only relationship they recognise as a 'relationship' is the one they are currently in!

I'd also ask for a bit more info about his dx if he hasn't offered it - how he came to realise, how the diagnosis was approached/accessed whatever. Was he dx'd as a child or as an adult. They might seem a bit off the point, but you need to get a feel for whether 'relationship issues' is part of his dx or whether he's just commitment phobic about certain types of relationships - there are plenty of blokes who are and it's not necessarily an 'autism' thing.

 

Hope that's helpful, but in a nutshell i guess i'm saying (and it sounds a bit hackneyed) that relationships have to be triangular - you/me/us... triangles can be all sorts of different shapes (i.e. sides of different lengths) but ultimately they do have to meet at three points to make a whole triangle! If you can't 'meet', then regardless of how much you would want to make it work the chances are it can't.

 

L&P

 

BD

[trekster]

Hi, and thanks again for your help. Explaining 'downtime' like a computer Defrag was brilliant. i didn't realise there was that much to it.

 

It is just difficult for me to understand how he thinks, but I am willing to educate myself on AS.

 

Thanks again.

 

Your welcome and good luck.

[Morgado]

Do you know if he has a consultant? i.e a professional expert on AS that he sees on a regular basis?

 

I'm an Aspie and I am in a relationship with an NT, and while we have (so far and through a lot of trial-and-error and education) a pretty good understanding of each other and what is/isn't needed in terms of communication, personal space, etc, I found it very helpful to introduce my partner to my consultant. This was helpful for me, because my consultant was able to give advice or an alternative view for some of the issues we have, it was helpful for my partner because they had an expert to talk to that might have more insight, experience and ideas around my differences than I might have myself, and it was certainly helpful for my consultant, who has since "worked in" regular updates regarding our relationship and how we can work around any new issues that crop up as time goes on (and there will ALWAYS be new things, no matter how long you are in a relationship or how long you have lived with AS!).

 

Just an idea.