Aspergers & Relationships

[anxious-soul]

Hi All

 

I am looking for some advice from others with Aspergers, I am 35 and have only had one relationship which did not work out to well which I now know was probably down to me not being able to relate to her & her needs. Since then I have struggled to meet any one as social situations terrify me and I struggle with reading peoples body language so never sure were I stand with the opposite sex. This has made me feel very depressed as I do want to find that special someone, Does any one have any advice or experiences of how to deal with relationships?

 

 

[zenemu]

It isn't an easy thing to do for many people with Aspergers, but the only way you are going to meet someone is by putting yourself out there. You just need to find a way to do it which will cause you as little stress as possible. Perhaps look at voluntery groups or something similar where everyone has something in common to focus on. Perhaps take evening classes ect, so that just like the other people in attendance you have something in common to talk about.

 

When you do meet someone, be open about your AS and try friendship first, it will help you learn about each other and it is the only way to avoid misunderstandings and confusion and it will reduce the pressure on you to be "normal". Try getting to know them in an environment that is comfortable for both of you and do so one to one, so that their is as little social pressure and scutiny as possible.

 

I hope that helps, it has worked for me in the past, although oddly I met my current partner (of seven years) online. Go figure.

 

 

[trekster]

there are some self help books on the market for aspergers and relationships. "Aspergers and dating" "the Asperger love guide" and a few couples books. Ignore anything that contains outdated misleading information on cassandra syndrome.

 

i found my local autism adult social group to be more accepting of my differences than my NT youth club.

[anxious-soul]

Hi

 

Thank you both for your reply's and good advice, I suppose the more I put myself out there the more confidence it will give me. Zen you said be more open with your AS how did people respond to that? I have only told close friends and family and some of them I find can not relate to the whole aspergers thing which I end up getting frustrated and angry about. I relation to anger I find I do get angry a lot and sometimes I don't even no what about is this something you guys can relate to? It is something I really need to work on and stop.

[trekster]

It isn't an easy thing to do for many people with Aspergers, but the only way you are going to meet someone is by putting yourself out there. You just need to find a way to do it which will cause you as little stress as possible. Perhaps look at voluntary groups or something similar where everyone has something in common to focus on. Perhaps take evening classes ect, so that just like the other people in attendance you have something in common to talk about.

 

When you do meet someone, be open about your AS and try friendship first, it will help you learn about each other and it is the only way to avoid misunderstandings and confusion and it will reduce the pressure on you to be "normal". Try getting to know them in an environment that is comfortable for both of you and do so one to one, so that their is as little social pressure and scrutiny as possible.

 

I hope that helps, it has worked for me in the past, although oddly I met my current partner (of seven years) online. Go figure.

 

Another option is a social anxiety group.

[anxious-soul]

Trekster

 

I see from the bottom of your post that you also have dyslexia and ocd as well as your AS, I also have dyslexia. ocd, generalized anxiety disorder and suffer with depression at times. I was diagnosed with all these before the AS diagnosis is it common for people with AS to also have the above mental heath conditions? I am currently on a good combination of medication which is helping me I take 300mg Pregabalin, 10mg Escitalopram and 50mg Serequel.

 

[zenemu]

Hi

 

Thank you both for your reply's and good advice, I suppose the more I put myself out there the more confidence it will give me. Zen you said be more open with your AS how did people respond to that? I have only told close friends and family and some of them I find can not relate to the whole aspergers thing which I end up getting frustrated and angry about. I relation to anger I find I do get angry a lot and sometimes I don't even no what about is this something you guys can relate to? It is something I really need to work on and stop.

 

I know exactly where you are coming from here, I mean AS is confusing enough when you have it, so explaining it is often incredibly difficult. It takes different approaches with different people.

 

Firstly you have to accept that some people simply won't believe you, or more importantly perhaps they won't want to believe you. My grandmother for example, I could talk to her about AS all day long and she would never believe me "because people didn't have things like that in her day". You need to accept that and move on. As annoying as you find it, it isn't actually an issue, because if they don't accept your AS, you are just the socially awkward guy, and that is fine.

 

I've detailed some of the history of Aspergers syndrome in the MMR thread, but the bottom line here is that for many complicated (and tragic) reasons, Aspergers syndrome only became a medically accepted diagnosis in 1994. So now it is one of those new-fangled diagnoses. In fact just recently I was told it was a pseudo scientific diagnosis created by scientists to explain whey they don’t get on socially.

 

Here is the thing though, all new medical diagnoses are treated this way to a certain extent, but AS is worse because you can’t actually see it. The key here is education. Read about the history of Hans Aspergers and Lorna wing, so you can explain to people the history behind the diagnosis. Talk openly (but only when appropriate) about the problems you face. Talk about the things that come easily to you too, there are usually positive traits to Aspergers after all. You will often be surprised at the things you take for granted that others simply can’t do.

 

It is important that as many of your family and friends understand where you are coming from, partly because it will help them to avoid putting you in situations you may find very uncomfortable, but also because they can then be their to give you advice and support when you do look at starting a new relationship. You need the sort of support where you can turn to people and ask questions which may seem obvious to them, but escape you as an Aspie.

 

I think openness in general makes life easier as an Aspie, but really you do need to accept that disbelief is going to be the natural reaction from some people. Don’t misunderstand me, I don’t walk up to people in the street telling them I have AS, but if I think that someone is likely to be a significant part of my life for whatever reason I will mention it and try to have a conversation about it, which will help avoid misunderstandings and confusion later on and will hopefully lead to friendships lasting.

 

[zenemu]

I see from the bottom of your post that you also have dyslexia and ocd as well as your AS, I also have dyslexia. ocd, generalized anxiety disorder and suffer with depression at times. I was diagnosed with all these before the AS diagnosis is it common for people with AS to also have the above mental heath conditions?

 

OCD can often be part and parcel of aspergers syndrome as can general anxiety (they are often very closely link). Depression isn't a symptom of AS per se, but for obvious reasons really many people with AS are very prone to it.

[trekster]

Trekster

 

I see from the bottom of your post that you also have dyslexia and ocd as well as your AS, I also have dyslexia. ocd, generalized anxiety disorder and suffer with depression at times. I was diagnosed with all these before the AS diagnosis is it common for people with AS to also have the above mental heath conditions? I am currently on a good combination of medication which is helping me I take 300mg Pregabalin, 10mg Escitalopram and 50mg Serequel.

 

i would say recent research has connected Aspergers with secondary mental health problems. i find taurine supplements can ease my anxiety and slow down a racing heart (which is an anxiety issue for me). i take b50 tablets but im considering going on amytryptiline (sp?) to see if it helps with my pain issues.

 

Im pleased your medication is helping you. im just about to buy a copy of "anxiety and depression workbook for dummies" which has helped in the past.

[trekster]

OCD can often be part and parcel of aspergers syndrome as can general anxiety (they are often very closely link). Depression isn't a symptom of AS per se, but for obvious reasons really many people with AS are very prone to it.

 

Agree with Zens very helpful and useful advice. Also this is what i meant by "secondary mental health issues" just to be clear.

[anxious-soul]

Hi

 

Thanks again for the great advice, I struggle to see why people can not understand about As when I talk to them about but I suppose this is part of AS and I can see you are right and I will just need to accept that some wont get it or understand it. My brother does not really understand and it has caused problems between us so I think I need to take a step back and let him come to me if he wants to find any thing out. With regards to relationships I am going to try and put myself out there but it does scare me a lot but will be worth it.

 

 

Cheers

[AdamJ]

I don't think anyone has mentioned this idea but I tried an internet dating website a few years ago and I found it very helpful. That way, at least when you meet someone, you both already know why you're there.

 

Having said that, I'm still single :-(

 

Adam

Edited July 17, 2010 by AdamJ

[anxious-soul]

Hi Adam

 

That is a good suggestion and I have thought of doing that in the past.

[BFrench501]

Probably a tad late to the topic but thought I'd add my piece.

 

I'm echoing what's already been said in that your highest percentage chance lies in meeting people who have something in common. Do not under any circumstances try to use nightclubs or pubs as a way of attracting someone for a relationship. It will mess your head up if they use you, and not to stereotype all people because not all are bad, but a lot don't want relationships etc.

 

I always found that playing music was a great help in my slightly younger years (17-21) because I met a lot of women through it. I met an ex through music and kissed a LOT of girls. I am not proud of that by the way, but what I'm saying is that you can have confidence in something you love, and if you do it well then people will take a liking to you straight away. Then it's up to you to tell what she is after.

 

A dating site is a very good option if you do struggle. But choose one that is low cost because I really don't trust in a lot of the sites legitimacy. Been on one site before where I've had messages from 'super-hot' girls although to me, child-like skinny and blonde isn't attractive. It would just make me feel like a paedophile and also, they're fake so I'd also feel like an idiot for following up something so blatant.

 

I used Plentyoffish which is free. Yes there are a lot of twirps on there but there are a few gems. My fiancee came from that site, and I knew just by looking at her that she would be the person I would find true love with. But it takes time - don't message people who type only a few lines and definitely don't message people who seem like they are just out for themselves. You need somebody who can understand you.

 

Sorry if some of what I've said isn't 100% appropriate, but I'm just trying to be honest and give my own tuppence on the situation I have myself been in before...

 

Good luck

Baz

 

[anxious-soul]

Baz

 

Thank you for your support it is good to hear from someone who has been in the same situation and succeeded.

 

Cheers