Newbie...think I have AS!

[fluffyblueberry]

Hello all,

 

my son was diagnosed with ASD a year ago, (he's just turning 4). Since researching everything I could lay my hands on - I quickly acknowledged I had many traits of AS...but what I read didn't quite fit me. I then researched traits of specifically AS WOMEN and read a couple of books on the subject... it was like reading about myself, it was so accurate that it has really turned my head inside out and upside down. I'm 28. All my life I have suffered from associated problems - OCD/ritualistic behaviour from childhood, severe anxiety, depression and even apparent "social phobia"..(as diagnosed at 13). I went to several schools, finally becoming settled at a tutorial college for older teens. It suited me because I could choose a limited range of subjects I was interested in, the classes were really small, (5 or 6 people) and there was little pressure to socialise. I struggled my way through my teens, it was extremely confusing for me. From around the age of 14, a decade of alcohol and drug abuse began. Some drugs allowed me to escape more into my own world, where I felt comfortable - alcohol could numb me and meant I was able to socialise for longer periods of time. Social problems have existed all my life - I found it very hard to concentrate on conversations, it was all exhausting for me. I do best one on one, but even then I do find it hard to filter out outside noise and not be distracted, it's a of lot of effort. I have always felt different, I always wondered why I could find even simple every day tasks hard. I've battled with being a perfectionist on the one hand and yet it being totally against my capabilities to achieve anything like what I "expect" of myself. I've often felt like it's a constant "tug-of-war" in my head between what I want to be/what I expect and what I am.

 

When I was 24, after being dropped from a job after three months, (the longest I'd held down a full-time position) I fell into a depression. I believe I became pregnant on purpose in many ways - firstly to escape the world of employment, (that was very much expected of me, I had good A-level results and a degree that I had "put on hold" due to stress and other issues). After my first baby, I completed my degree part-time, (which suited me much better). But I was still able to escape employment, luckily my husband worked and supported us. I got married at 20 to an extrovert, a very socially capable man...it wasn't by accident! I thought I could learn from him - and I have - although, what I've learnt is to imitate and "pretend" better at being socially capable. Obviously, I had no idea that I had AS and hoped I would "grow out" of whatever it was and overcome all problems. Unfortunately, that did not happen.

 

So, I have come to this realisation that I have AS and I would like to seek diagnosis but I am so afraid of the reaction, I'm worried they'll just tell me I'm ridiculous for thinking such a thing. If you were to meet me you might think I come accoss a bit nervous or eccentric but I can hold it together quite well for short periods. I think I can even appear pretty "normal" when I want to. I have only ever met a couple of men with AS that were more severe, I have never met another woman, (apart from videos I've seen out on the web!). I'm anxious that I see someone who has a clear understanding of the differences between men and women with AS and how it can present differently.

 

I'm completely obsessing about this now and can't seem to get it out of my mind. I know some people say they find out or realise they have AS and it's a "relief"...I don't feel that way, I feel shock...what I have read has been so accurate and it's just so shocking that having AS could have influenced my life course so completely, so specifically and in such a huge variety of ways. I even feel a bit angry because I know I would have done things very differently if I had known this earlier on in life. It's been a mind-blowing discovery - before this, I didn't know anything about Autism or AS and it's very strange that my sons own diagnosis could lead me to discover so much about myself.

 

I welcome any advice.

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am 29, female, and I was diagnosed with Asperger's about 3 years ago now. I have a history of mental health issues and all of my difficulties were written off as depression/anxiety/social anxiety. It's probably true that I do have these mental health conditions as well as Asperger's, but discovering the underlying cause has enabled me to make a lot of progress.

 

Everyone reacts differently on realising they could have AS. For me it was a relief to understand what makes me different and to take away some of the blame I have put on myself for my difficulties. It is a different process for everyone though, and it sounds like you've really been through the mill. It's understandable that you feel like some of this could have been prevented if you'd known about Asperger's earlier! Maybe in time you will be able to focus on what you can do now to make yourself a better future.

 

Have you spoken to your husband about this at all? Does he agree that Asperger's seems likely? Maybe he can come with you to the doctor to explain things as he sees it as well. If someone else is seeing the symptoms as well, they may take you more seriously.

 

Learning how to imitate and "pass" socially is actually a useful skill to get you through social situations. Understanding the cause of your difficulties can help you find ways that work well for you and might be more effective and feel more natural. People with Asperger's can still learn new skills, and the more you practice them, the more natural they become, and you might be able to cope better without it being such hard work all the time.

[fluffyblueberry]

I love your quote "everything must be straight...".. I have that same problem, especially when I'm in the full-grasp of an OCD period.

 

Thank you for replying. Yes, it was actually my mother who first said she thought I showed signs of AS, (well, my dad actually does as well, quite strongly) and my husband agreed. Since then, we have all talked about it quite a lot, but I don't think they understand the hard time I'm having with it. I would take my husband to the doctor, except I think I might be more open if he wasn't actually - just because he IS so confident, he does talk for me a lot without even thinking and there is so much I haven't really discussed with him, that it's better coming from me.

 

I'm hoping that once I'm over the initial shock, I'll be able to make progress. I'm already acknowledging that I have sensory issues that I didn't acknowledge I had...I can get over-anxious in certain situations/get headaches/feel sick/panic etc for no apparent reason, I'm learning that sometimes this is sensory overload. This is common in the supermarket, in certain shops where I recoil and have to leave, (bright lights, too busy) or just when there is too much going on in general...

 

Thank you for your support!

[fluffyblueberry]

P.S. Did you know about AS when you got the diagnosis? Or was it all new to you?

[Tally]

I suspected I had AS for a couple of years before I got my diagnosis. It felt like quite a battle to get the diagnosis, which is probably part of the reason why it was such a relief. By that point I'd pretty much come to terms with the idea that I had it.

 

When I first read about AS was when I started to suspect I had it. I had not heard of it prior to that.

[Jota]

Hi and welcome to the forum!

 

I'm a 45 year old male, diagnosed a couple of weeks back with AS and what you described of your life is pretty much how it was with me, having babies and marrying a guy aside!

 

I would have been shocked a decade or more ago to be told I had AS as I simply did not understand how I felt and therefore couldn't communicate it. It's only been relatively recently that I've got my head around how I felt and had the ability to actually communicate it. The symptoms of anxiety was obvious throughout my life, really in your face type stuff, but until I was told I had that at 28 I never knew what it was. To me it wasn't unusual or not normal, quite the reverse it was the way I'd always felt so in that sense it was difficult to say there's something wrong. I knew I didn't like the way I felt but simply didn't have the words for it or wasn't self aware enough.

 

It was a bit of a relief for me to be finally diagnosed as it explains everything about my life and the way I felt and behaved. Had I known this as a youngster? I don't think it would have made too much of a difference to me as I was far too emotionally immature to cope with it. It's probably only in the last decade where I could have coped so I resist the temptation to imagine what my life would have been like if I'd known from an earlier age. If that makes sense!

[fluffyblueberry]

hello, thanks for your reply.

 

I can't remember when I understood what some of my problems meant, I was probably quite young but I had no clue how to deal with it. Possibly if I'd known as a very young teen, it may have made things worse for me in some ways, I may not have been able to cope with it. But as an older one, I think I could have dealt with it and made better choices - worked WITH my strengths, rather than constantly pushing myself. I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.

 

I think if I HAD a diagnosis, I would be able to start to learn to accept it and move on but because I'm in limbo here, it's difficult to know what to feel.