People coming into your house?!?

[fluffyblueberry]

Hey there,

 

I was wondering how those of you with AS/ASD feel about people coming into your home - whether friends/strangers/family members? For example, I live with my husband and two children, but I find it an absolutely traumatising experience if anyone from my husbands family come to stay or even stay near by when we need to see them every day. It would be the same if one of his friends stayed. I feel trapped, I feel that my home is my "safe place" and that if someone I'm not comfortable with comes in, it's extremely uncomfortable, I can't be myself, I am so full of anxiety and the anxiety can last for weeks beforehand too, (while I'm waiting). The only people I can stand staying in my house are my parents and one very close friend that I have - I think because they know all about me. But even THEN, I can get anxious. I feel better if I am going to THEIR house, because then I am in control and can leave any time? But if they are here, I can't do that, I can't escape. Do any of you feel that way? And how do you cope?

[charlotte]

i feel very similar to how you are describing. when i am at my parents house and i do not have control over who stays so much i tolerate others staying but feel very self conscious around them and very much put on an act i find it hardest to eat around them and talk in my normal relaxed manor. i find the same when i go to stay away from home in other peoples houses or to eat out unless i am with a few very close friends.

[trekster]

I have to set clear boundaries about what is expected in my house. So my noisy friends who don't respect my

"keep noise away from the corridor or outside the house" rule have to leave at 11pm.

 

I live in communal flats and there are times when I need my space and times when I prefer to have company.

My guests normally suggestion "going out for a walk" so I've often said "OK but I prefer to stay here"

and have encouraged them to "go out and walk" so I can have some defrag time.

 

I have problems judging when to leave someone's house so I try and plan something to do so I have to leave at

a certain time. You can ask guests to leave by a certain time, in fact I've been told that before 12noon on the

day they leave unless otherwise stated is the time to go.

[Karen A]

Hi.

 

I do not have AS.However several years ago I had a period of severe anxiety.

At the time my husband and myself were lodgers with a single friend of ours.

Ben was a baby and our elder son was nearly three.

Over the course of several months I became increasingly anxious and found it difficult to feel safe.

I very much used the house as a base in an effort to feel in control in order to cope.

I became increasingly anxious if people visited or if my regular routine was interrupted.

In order to try to cope I had particular jobs that I needed to do.

For example I was washing the kitchen floor three or four times each day.

If anything happened to prevent the routine I became increasingly agitated.

Eventually the situation became unmanageable and my friend asked us to move.

We found a house of our own and I had some psychotherapy.

Having our own place with our own furniture and more space and privacy also helped a lot

 

I am very well now.

I still do not find change easy and would be anxious if people came to stay.

However I am aware that the change will make me a bit anxious.

So I would plan time out of the house for some of the time or do the garden or baking which I enjoy in order to manage better.

I would also plan so that if I became more anxious than usual I could pop out even to the local shop.

 

I have found that I needed to find a balance.

When I allowed the anxiety to control me the range of things I could do got smaller and smaller until I felt safe in one room.

So I learned that if I wanted to live and have a marriage I needed to do things that would be difficult at first.

However it does not work to try to do everything at once as the anxiety is not then manageable.

So I have learned to do things in stages.

 

The strategies I have are very similar to the ones I use when planning an outing or new activity with Ben in mind.

 

We can now have visitors to stay for example.

However I would invite people home for a planned visit where I get on well with them.

I would have a good idea of how long the visit was for and what we would do during the visit.

If we arrange to see people where I am less certain of things going well I tend to arrange to meet up somewhere that is planned.

If the visit does not go to plan it is much easier to excuse ourselves than it is to hope people will leave.

Edited September 15, 2010 by Karen A

[MelowMeldrew]

Hey there,

 

I was wondering how those of you with AS/ASD feel about people coming into your home - whether friends/strangers/family members? For example, I live with my husband and two children, but I find it an absolutely traumatising experience if anyone from my husbands family come to stay or even stay near by when we need to see them every day. It would be the same if one of his friends stayed. I feel trapped, I feel that my home is my "safe place" and that if someone I'm not comfortable with comes in, it's extremely uncomfortable, I can't be myself, I am so full of anxiety and the anxiety can last for weeks beforehand too, (while I'm waiting). The only people I can stand staying in my house are my parents and one very close friend that I have - I think because they know all about me. But even THEN, I can get anxious. I feel better if I am going to THEIR house, because then I am in control and can leave any time? But if they are here, I can't do that, I can't escape. Do any of you feel that way? And how do you cope?

 

 

My son is very direct about this too, if we have visitors he will initially go upstairs and wait until they go, no attempt to interact with anyone, if, the visit exceeds his 'timetable' he will go up to them and ask when are you going ?, why are you still here ?". Takes some explaining, ! and it makes no difference if it is family or our friends. I try to tell people he isn't rude, but the home is his space and he will tolerate you in it only for a short while ! All I get is "He needs sorting out!!! he is a rude young man..." It's just he can tolerate people only for so long then he gets stressed. My sister told me recently our grandmother was much the same, you had a set time for hello, and how are you, then were expected to leave... or she would say goodbye and leave you there talking to yourself lol.......... But I think my Gran was just rude basically ! I value my privacy at home too, I don't really like lots of people about or I get unsettled, however tests show I am NOT autistic, just like the company of a select few !

[fluffyblueberry]

Thanks!

[fluffyblueberry]

Hi,

 

sorry I meant to reply before - yes, I think it's better to be somewhere where you can excuse yourself. I think what you describe with your anxiety is, in many ways, what I have experienced regularly throughout my whole life since childhood. I think it has definitely got worse over time however, now that I have more expected of me and more responsibilities.

Hi.

 

I do not have AS.However several years ago I had a period of severe anxiety.

At the time my husband and myself were lodgers with a single friend of ours.

Ben was a baby and our elder son was nearly three.

Over the course of several months I became increasingly anxious and found it difficult to feel safe.

I very much used the house as a base in an effort to feel in control in order to cope.

I became increasingly anxious if people visited or if my regular routine was interrupted.

In order to try to cope I had particular jobs that I needed to do.

For example I was washing the kitchen floor three or four times each day.

If anything happened to prevent the routine I became increasingly agitated.

Eventually the situation became unmanageable and my friend asked us to move.

We found a house of our own and I had some psychotherapy.

Having our own place with our own furniture and more space and privacy also helped a lot

 

I am very well now.

I still do not find change easy and would be anxious if people came to stay.

However I am aware that the change will make me a bit anxious.

So I would plan time out of the house for some of the time or do the garden or baking which I enjoy in order to manage better.

I would also plan so that if I became more anxious than usual I could pop out even to the local shop.

 

I have found that I needed to find a balance.

When I allowed the anxiety to control me the range of things I could do got smaller and smaller until I felt safe in one room.

So I learned that if I wanted to live and have a marriage I needed to do things that would be difficult at first.

However it does not work to try to do everything at once as the anxiety is not then manageable.

So I have learned to do things in stages.

 

The strategies I have are very similar to the ones I use when planning an outing or new activity with Ben in mind.

 

We can now have visitors to stay for example.

However I would invite people home for a planned visit where I get on well with them.

I would have a good idea of how long the visit was for and what we would do during the visit.

If we arrange to see people where I am less certain of things going well I tend to arrange to meet up somewhere that is planned.

If the visit does not go to plan it is much easier to excuse ourselves than it is to hope people will leave.

[Karen A]

Hi,

 

sorry I meant to reply before - yes, I think it's better to be somewhere where you can excuse yourself. I think what you describe with your anxiety is, in many ways, what I have experienced regularly throughout my whole life since childhood. I think it has definitely got worse over time however, now that I have more expected of me and more responsibilities.

Hi.

 

I do not have AS.However several years ago I had a period of severe anxiety.

At the time my husband and myself were lodgers with a single friend of ours.

Ben was a baby and our elder son was nearly three.

Over the course of several months I became increasingly anxious and found it difficult to feel safe.

I very much used the house as a base in an effort to feel in control in order to cope.

I became increasingly anxious if people visited or if my regular routine was interrupted.

In order to try to cope I had particular jobs that I needed to do.

For example I was washing the kitchen floor three or four times each day.

If anything happened to prevent the routine I became increasingly agitated.

Eventually the situation became unmanageable and my friend asked us to move.

We found a house of our own and I had some psychotherapy.

Having our own place with our own furniture and more space and privacy also helped a lot

 

I am very well now.

I still do not find change easy and would be anxious if people came to stay.

However I am aware that the change will make me a bit anxious.

So I would plan time out of the house for some of the time or do the garden or baking which I enjoy in order to manage better.

I would also plan so that if I became more anxious than usual I could pop out even to the local shop.

 

I have found that I needed to find a balance.

When I allowed the anxiety to control me the range of things I could do got smaller and smaller until I felt safe in one room.

So I learned that if I wanted to live and have a marriage I needed to do things that would be difficult at first.

However it does not work to try to do everything at once as the anxiety is not then manageable.

So I have learned to do things in stages.

 

The strategies I have are very similar to the ones I use when planning an outing or new activity with Ben in mind.

 

We can now have visitors to stay for example.

However I would invite people home for a planned visit where I get on well with them.

I would have a good idea of how long the visit was for and what we would do during the visit.

If we arrange to see people where I am less certain of things going well I tend to arrange to meet up somewhere that is planned.

If the visit does not go to plan it is much easier to excuse ourselves than it is to hope people will leave.

 

 

Hi again.

If it is similar then I can say things can get better if you are prepared to try things in manageable steps and cope with the anxiety that crops up.

 

I have been on a learning curve myself in the last few days.

I was invited to go to a study group by a friend.

It involved a tube journey in rush hour to a venue that was new to me with about two hundred strangers.

Two hours of study and lectures in groups of twelve with complete strangers,no coffee break and rather puzzled looks when I used my well learned strategies such a sitting in a place where I knew I could leave easily if I wished.

I was very pleased that I gave the group a go as I discovered I could do something way outside of my usual comfort zone.

However I am still recovering and will not be making it a regular feature of my week.

 

The good news is that up until a few months ago I would not have thought I would cope at all.

It is great to have the choice now.

Karen.