Social Workers Report

[Paula]

The soical worker who c ame to see me and my son for an initial assesment around 3 weeks ago has written up there report based on observations and our conversation..........its 5 pages long............to cut a long rmbleing piece of writing short it basically implies im a fuss pott mother who needs to step back and let my son get on with it and we dont need any more in depth assesments and we dont qulaify for any aditional support.........basically it reads like all the problems are brought on by me...........

 

Now at first i thought what the hell but after re reading it and mulling it over i think maybe they have a point........maybe i do fuss too much,maybe i dont let him do things on his own or for himself maybe i do step in and take over when he could possibley do it himself and maybe this isnt for the best........

 

My son read the report also and i said what do you think do i fuss too much............he said yes.......i said would you like it if i let you do stuff more on youre own......he said yes sometimes but not all the time.

 

Anyway today hes got up made his own cup of tea and after a chat he said he wanted to make his own way home from town after his day at the odd job scheme...........i said are you sure and he said yes....so i took him and now ill just waite till he gets home.It finishes at 3 pm........

 

 

Its hard i know i fuss i know im over protective i know i worry and i know that to help to relay help i need to step away and allow him to try..........

 

Its hard for me to admit that even though ive always had my sons best interests at heart maybe sometimes you can as a mother be too helpfull and the long term effects of this arent good for the child youre trying to protect.....the social worker said i have to treat him like i would a "normal" 16 year old boy that the reason hes lashing out is because he wants space..........

 

It was hard to hear made me feel like a bad mum...........but at least im giveing change a go........

 

I hope he arrives home ok though ...........

[Tally]

Paula, I don't think you are a bad mum. From your posts here I see a mum who is trying really hard to do the right thing. Maybe you haven't got everything right. I don't know anyone who has though. I think the important thing is that you recognise that and help your son develop his independence now that you've realised it might be something you've not done right.

 

I hope everything goes smoothly on your son's journey home this afternoon.

[Mumble]

Awesome! :thumbs:

 

It's really made me smile reading the way you've responded to this

 

My son read the report also and i said what do you think do i fuss too much............he said yes.......i said would you like it if i let you do stuff more on your own......he said yes sometimes but not all the time.

I'm not a parent and I don't know what it's like, though I've been on the other side, not with overly fussing parents, but with support workers. I had to tell my fantastic support worker to, basically, step back a little and let me learn, let me make mistakes. It is, as I think your son has identified, a really difficult balance to get right, and it's something you have to continually work at and negotiate. There will be times he needs support, there will be times he's feeling a bit fragile and will benefit from a little fussing, the trick is to get those times right, which is no easy task.

[Paula]

The problem is ive spent 16 years fussing round and looking after him no wonder hes fed up with me......like any 16 year old lad he wants to gaine independance do stuff on his own not always have mum fussing round worrying but i do worry..........i worry about what might happen mainly other teanagers spotting theres something amis with him whilst hes out alone and either targeting him or takeing advantage when probably the reality is they wouldnt even notice him and nothing would happen or it would be rare or no different to a normal 16 year old going out and about alone the risks and worry would be the same.My daughter whoes now 18 had loads of freedom at 16 she went everywhere alone if she wanted to had a boyfreind and would go to partys and yes i worried and fussed but i didnt stop her so i guess i should give my son the same things if he wants them.

 

 

I have to admit though ill be glad when he walks through the door............

 

I remember years ago i watched a news report and a young lad/man had divorced his parents coz he said they didnt allow him to do things...he had a disability but fealt his parents even though they meant well were controlling every aspect of his life and he was fed up with it all........i remember thinking then im nver going to be like that......yet here i am.

 

 

Youre right its a fine line..........in future ill ask my son what would you want what should i do ,do you want help and if he says no mum ill be fine then i need to start listening........

[baddad]

Hi Paula -

 

I don't think there's any negatives to realising that maybe you've been a bit overprotective, and I don't think in any way that having been overprotective makes you a 'bad mum'. We live in a society where the 'dangers' of the world are, for various reasons, over-emphasised (it sells everything from newspapers to mobile phones, to disinfectant, to cosmetic surgery etc etc etc) and where, for equally varied reasons (social, political, sociological etc etc), the focus becomes increasingly personal and/or isolated and it becomes ever more challenging to see the 'bigger' picture. Given all of those factors it's easy to see how a parent's perfectly natural instincts to protect and nurture can tip from being a positive to a negative... I think that applies to many NT parents too, but certainly where disability is a factor it adds another dimension of 'fear' for parent's to circumnavigate.

I do agree, by and large, with what your S W has suggested - i.e. stepping back and easing up on the reins and allowing more freedom etc - but would also advise some caution. I think that freedom of choice is inherently linked to the concept of self-responsibility too; that along with the freedom to 'do what we want to do' there is an expectation that we also take care of the things we have to do, and manage the consequences of that additional freedom and responsibility whether good or bad. Taking one of your son's new areas of independence as an example; the freedom to walk home from w/e alone also carries the expectation of coming home on time, and responsibility for negotiating/explaining/advising in advance if anything is going to get in the way of meeting that expectation.

Not suggesting this necessarily applies to your son, but certainly many (most?) teenagers would express, if asked, the opinion that they felt restricted and would like more freedom. In most cases what they would mean would be 'freedom without responsibility' - the freedom to sit up all night watching TV or playing computer games, for example, without responsibility for getting themselves up in the morning for school or even for attending school. In a nutshell, independence is about having the freedom to 'swim', but it's also about recognising there's a potential to 'sink' and taking at least some of the responsibility should that happen.

 

Really wish you and he the best in achieving that, and certainly the recognition that there has been a problem can only be a positive in that regard.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh - quick, slightly off topic aside to that 'culture of fear' I mentioned...

I went up the shop earlier and saw a crocodile of preschoolers from the local nursery (or maybe a reception class?) crossing the road. They were all holding on to this long, flexible rubber 'chain' rather than holding hands, and I think (?)were also connnected by reins to the rubber 'chain' itself...

 

Now however bought that was obviously told how much 'safer' it would be, how no child would be able to run off etc, and probably even completely melodramatic rubbish like colds being spread by 'hand contact'... but the thing was, they were like a row of dominoes - when one went down so did the rest of them. Even more worrying though (and a bit more 'fear culture', at the risk of being hypocritical) is the inescapable logic that, in the event of one kid being mashed under the wheels of a 4x4 deathmobile, all of them would be dragged along with it!

[oxgirl]

Hi Paula, I really applaud your insight and ability to accept what the SW said, however hard it was to hear. I think you've been very brave in facing up to the fact that you might have been a bit over-protective and your willingness to change and give your lad more space is really positive. Some parents would have just dismissed what the SW said straight off and not given it a second thought and carried on doing what they were doing, but you were open-minded enough to sit and really consider whether what she said might have had some truth in it and you faced up to it and I think that really deserves a pat on the back.

It's great that your lad actively wants more independence and that he can tell you that and I really hope things go from strength to strength from now on.

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

I went up the shop earlier and saw a crocodile of preschoolers from the local nursery (or maybe a reception class?) crossing the road. They were all holding on to this long, flexible rubber 'chain' rather than holding hands, and I think (?)were also connnected by reins to the rubber 'chain' itself...

 

That sounds like a ridiculous idea to me. How are the kids supposed to learn road sense and crossing skills when they're blindly following along in a line like that following the leader and not having to pay any attention to what they're actually doing themselves!

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Granted it can be hard knowing when the loosen the apron strings, but at the end of the day you know your son better than anyone. Social workers see only a snippet and can be very good at making the wrong assumptions and are not specifically ASD trained, equally sometimes outsiders can be good as seeing a slightly different perspective. A bit of self-assessment/reflection can be good at times, but don't be too hard on yourself.

 

Caroline.

Edited September 30, 2010 by cmuir

[JsMum]

I understand that the sw has suggested you are too fussy and should give him space but something has made those behaviours arise in the first place, if I where to just suddenly allow J to walk home alone I would actually be placing him at risk and I would be aware of the potential dangers so in essence not meeting Js needs and be actually acussed of neglect.

 

For example J is easily distracted so if he suddenly saw a friend across the road or a cat he would simply run towards him totally unaware of any potential dangers such as major busy traffic, simply put he could be run over.

 

Or if he met up with a group of youths who wated to befriend him and then encourage him to do unlawful actions he would with no consideration to the consequence so in essence he is socially vunrable.

 

Simply walking home alone could or can cause great anxieties and fears for some people with additional needs and will need a great amount of support to work towards independance and some may always need some level of support.

 

If my son got hurt or was harmed in any way on the way home alone he would struggle to communicate his needs to unfamilair people and would have great difficulty in managing stressful situations.

 

There are loads of examples I can use why J requires supervision, assistance and support at all times, so for some children who have been looked after by their parent and parented the way they feel is nessasary then its a big jump to go from lots of support to then be expected to just be suddenly be independant.

 

Independance skills have to be taught with reguards that persons individual needs, the social worker could of made a care plan to put in place support for this.

 

Has your sons social and recreational needs been assessed and suggestions made?

Respite for you?

 

Has your son had any plans to work towards adulthood, A transition plan?

 

Such as independant skills training such as shopping, laundry, cooking ect...could he ever live alone in a flat or will he need some level of support such as sheltered housing or a spersific housing association that meet the needs of adults with Autism/Special needs.

 

Social skills support, attending activities/groups exct...

 

It doesnt add up that your son has a disability such as ASD and the outcome is that you the parent need to back off, when infact for some people transitioning into adult hood is a time they need the most support so a successful longterm outcome can accur so that person is independant as possible.

 

I urge you to discuss the results of the assessment with someone from National Autistic Society.

 

 

also would like add as well that though he may well be biologically 16yrs old, is he developmentally 16 in social development, for example my son is 13 but is socially much younger than that, what about emotional and behavioural development, though he may be 16 he may not be in reguards his actual functioning.

 

JsMumx

Edited September 30, 2010 by JsMum

[bubblesboo]

Hi Paula -

 

I don't think there's any negatives to realising that maybe you've been a bit overprotective, and I don't think in any way that having been overprotective makes you a 'bad mum'. We live in a society where the 'dangers' of the world are, for various reasons, over-emphasised (it sells everything from newspapers to mobile phones, to disinfectant, to cosmetic surgery etc etc etc) and where, for equally varied reasons (social, political, sociological etc etc), the focus becomes increasingly personal and/or isolated and it becomes ever more challenging to see the 'bigger' picture. Given all of those factors it's easy to see how a parent's perfectly natural instincts to protect and nurture can tip from being a positive to a negative... I think that applies to many NT parents too, but certainly where disability is a factor it adds another dimension of 'fear' for parent's to circumnavigate.

I do agree, by and large, with what your S W has suggested - i.e. stepping back and easing up on the reins and allowing more freedom etc - but would also advise some caution. I think that freedom of choice is inherently linked to the concept of self-responsibility too; that along with the freedom to 'do what we want to do' there is an expectation that we also take care of the things we have to do, and manage the consequences of that additional freedom and responsibility whether good or bad. Taking one of your son's new areas of independence as an example; the freedom to walk home from w/e alone also carries the expectation of coming home on time, and responsibility for negotiating/explaining/advising in advance if anything is going to get in the way of meeting that expectation.

Not suggesting this necessarily applies to your son, but certainly many (most?) teenagers would express, if asked, the opinion that they felt restricted and would like more freedom. In most cases what they would mean would be 'freedom without responsibility' - the freedom to sit up all night watching TV or playing computer games, for example, without responsibility for getting themselves up in the morning for school or even for attending school. In a nutshell, independence is about having the freedom to 'swim', but it's also about recognising there's a potential to 'sink' and taking at least some of the responsibility should that happen.

 

Really wish you and he the best in achieving that, and certainly the recognition that there has been a problem can only be a positive in that regard.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh - quick, slightly off topic aside to that 'culture of fear' I mentioned...

I went up the shop earlier and saw a crocodile of preschoolers from the local nursery (or maybe a reception class?) crossing the road. They were all holding on to this long, flexible rubber 'chain' rather than holding hands, and I think (?)were also connnected by reins to the rubber 'chain' itself...

 

Now however bought that was obviously told how much 'safer' it would be, how no child would be able to run off etc, and probably even completely melodramatic rubbish like colds being spread by 'hand contact'... but the thing was, they were like a row of dominoes - when one went down so did the rest of them. Even more worrying though (and a bit more 'fear culture', at the risk of being hypocritical) is the inescapable logic that, in the event of one kid being mashed under the wheels of a 4x4 deathmobile, all of them would be dragged along with it!

[bubblesboo]

shoot i cant do quote bits, BD when i worked in early years we used the same system, but htere was always some adult idoiot standing in the middle of the road====== oh yes me!! untill the kids had crossed

 

 

Pala, i am much the same position as you many around me say i fuss too much, but i worry so much about things going wrong, but i have let her go......not one panic text

good luck

xx

[Kathryn]

I assume he made it home OK Paula?

 

It is a hard thing to let go - I know from experience. I don't think we do our children any favours by not letting them ever be exposed to an element of risk and uncertainty, because no environment can ever be guaranteed 100% predictable and safe and they need to learn strategies to cope with that.

 

I think the cues very often come from the child when they feel ready, I think it was great that you listened to what he wanted to do and didn't let your own fears prevent him.

 

It's great if they just get on with it - I remember coming home from work one day to find my daughter had cooked and eaten a bowl of pasta - she had never used the stove before or made herself a meal. If she had asked me first I probably would have said no or hovered over her to make sure she didn't burn herself.

 

Proudest moment was a recent journey to Wales and back all by herself - she narrowly missed her train back and had to catch another one and change 3 times late at night and in completely unfamiliar places. And this was someone who at 16 was incapable of catching a local bus or crossing the road safely.

 

K x

[mossgrove]

I think it is really hard for any parent to let their child out into the big wide world, whether that child has additional needs or not.

 

Add Autism/Aspergers into the mix and it is easy to understand how parents can be over-protective and I am sure that applies to me as well. I wish everyone luck in strling the right balance!

 

Simon

[MelowMeldrew]

The soical worker who c ame to see me and my son for an initial assesment around 3 weeks ago has written up there report based on observations and our conversation..........its 5 pages long............to cut a long rmbleing piece of writing short it basically implies im a fuss pott mother who needs to step back and let my son get on with it and we dont need any more in depth assesments and we dont qulaify for any aditional support.........basically it reads like all the problems are brought on by me...........

 

Now at first i thought what the hell but after re reading it and mulling it over i think maybe they have a point........maybe i do fuss too much,maybe i dont let him do things on his own or for himself maybe i do step in and take over when he could possibley do it himself and maybe this isnt for the best........

 

My son read the report also and i said what do you think do i fuss too much............he said yes.......i said would you like it if i let you do stuff more on youre own......he said yes sometimes but not all the time.

 

Anyway today hes got up made his own cup of tea and after a chat he said he wanted to make his own way home from town after his day at the odd job scheme...........i said are you sure and he said yes....so i took him and now ill just waite till he gets home.It finishes at 3 pm........

 

 

Its hard i know i fuss i know im over protective i know i worry and i know that to help to relay help i need to step away and allow him to try..........

 

Its hard for me to admit that even though ive always had my sons best interests at heart maybe sometimes you can as a mother be too helpfull and the long term effects of this arent good for the child youre trying to protect.....the social worker said i have to treat him like i would a "normal" 16 year old boy that the reason hes lashing out is because he wants space..........

 

It was hard to hear made me feel like a bad mum...........but at least im giveing change a go........

 

I hope he arrives home ok though ...........

 

My son's social worker seems obsessed with paperwork too ! I think he hasn't a clue basically what he is doing, and is trying to do a crash course in understanding autism his own way, I've had to reign him in a few times already as he misinterprets every thing my son says or does, and yes, 'serious behaviour issues' are being flagged up where there really are none that have caused a real problem, simply because he doesn't understand autistic behaviours. And yes he is looking for cause why the autistic IS autistic by looking at the parents ??!!?!? Another parent I know said her social worker wanted to examine his bedroom, his computer games, HER computer, to see if the reason her child was behaving badly, was her allowing him aggressive games, access to the net, or watching violent DVDs and TV programs like coronation street lol.... Just looking to someone to blame really... My son's social worker has been told the bottom line already by me, and he is only 6 weeks in... I give him 6 more before he quits.... or I sack him, he really is out of his depth, and little use at present as I have to keep correcting his notes to other providers. The child support team I use once weekly said they thought the SW had no idea what he was taking about as they supported my son over 2 years and seen nothing to justify half what he was writing.... and were willing to contradict him.

[Mandapanda]

Hi Paula

 

It is very hard to step back as your child gets older, when you have HAD to give them so much support for so long.

 

I work in the NHS and we have adults with AS visit and there is a vast difference between them. Some will come to the desk to check in themselves (albeit with no confidence, or eye contact, and in very small voices), with others the parents do it anyway without even giving them a chance or expecting them to do it. It's not blaming the parents, when you have had to do everything for them it becomes a natural reaction to continue to do so, but it is very important to start giving them some independence, but knowing when to is even harder!

 

I think your son reacted in a lovely way saying he wants to do more himself sometimes but not always - you're not redundant yet!

 

Just take it step by step. My 17-year-old went for his first EVER sleepover at the weekend, very nerve wracking. He had to get trains and buses as well (with friends). He coped with sleeping in his clothes in a living room (not in a bed!) with the others. He even ?used/?wet his flannel! He went to bed earlier than he has for years, even before us, the next night. It's scary at the time, but we feel very proud when he has survived/achieved these things.

 

Whether the whole report is accurate or not, it is no bad thing it is making you both look at things with fresh eyes. He is moving on to the next step in life so some changes may need to be made anyway.

[MelowMeldrew]

Hi Paula

 

It is very hard to step back as your child gets older, when you have HAD to give them so much support for so long.

 

I work in the NHS and we have adults with AS visit and there is a vast difference between them. Some will come to the desk to check in themselves (albeit with no confidence, or eye contact, and in very small voices), with others the parents do it anyway without even giving them a chance or expecting them to do it. It's not blaming the parents, when you have had to do everything for them it becomes a natural reaction to continue to do so, but it is very important to start giving them some independence, but knowing when to is even harder!

 

I think your son reacted in a lovely way saying he wants to do more himself sometimes but not always - you're not redundant yet!

 

Just take it step by step. My 17-year-old went for his first EVER sleepover at the weekend, very nerve wracking. He had to get trains and buses as well (with friends). He coped with sleeping in his clothes in a living room (not in a bed!) with the others. He even ?used/?wet his flannel! He went to bed earlier than he has for years, even before us, the next night. It's scary at the time, but we feel very proud when he has survived/achieved these things.

 

Whether the whole report is accurate or not, it is no bad thing it is making you both look at things with fresh eyes. He is moving on to the next step in life so some changes may need to be made anyway.

 

for me reports HAVE to be accurate, because once one service provider assumes something then that is it basically, nobody listens to parents, you have to keep control over what is said and put down in writing, and if you don't agree rip it up and tell them to do it right. 'Chinese whispers' can make your AS child seem something totally they are not and it just takes one bad assumption to creep through, before the rest seize on it and assume the same, they are ALWAYS looking for negatives, you have to understand these agencies rarely if ever talk to each other at all or cooperate, It is actually very rare they tell the parents the assumptions made by people who have access to all the information, and that ISN'T the parents. Why we don't have full entitlement to all that info is a cause for concern, and civil and legal right. They always hold something back to try to undermine you if you want to challenge their findings. I think it is time parents recorded all meetings so they can refer back, and took witnesses with them. This has been discussed already via DLA applications, a parent's right to record meetings and decisions taken via them. After all as 'agents of the state' the system does not have to tell you anything, and can record you as well !

[baranigirl]

Well done Paula, hope he made it home safe

[Paula]

Thanks for all youre input.

 

Yes he made it home safe.

 

He was armed with a mobile phone and the support workers knew he was comeing home alone and they said theyd make sure he had his mobile switched on....he often doesnt turn on coz he says hes saveing battery power........

he knows the bus route realy well hes been traveling on the same bus for the past 14 years so he knows it like the back of his hand........the support worker he works with dropped him of at the bus stop and my son texed me to say he was waiting for the bus........i then phoned him and he texd againe when he was on board.hes traveled home alone now for the past couple of times and he has a new sence of confidence.Im fealing happier also more relaxed.

 

The next big step will be hell go alone to the scheme and come home alone.Im going to give it another few weeks o

f him traveling home alone then ill take him into town and let him walk up to the scheme alone.......then after a few goes at that he can do it all alone......i know its sounds rotton but itll save me the bus fare.......we got turned down for a concesionary buss pass with the companion part they said he didnt meet the criteria.......

 

he is resoanabley able i guess......but i dont know what hed do if something went wrong and hed to sort it out himself........god knows........all i know is hard as it may be fussy as i am if i want him to be able to lead a resonabley normal adult life then i have to let go and let him try otherwise i think ive failed him as a parent.....yes i want him safe but i also and i know this sounds like im a rotton mum i also want him out of me haire doing his own thing so i can get some freedom back myself.........

[Mandapanda]

i know this sounds like im a rotton mum i also want him out of me haire doing his own thing so i can get some freedom back myself.........

 

No Paula

 

Not a rotten mum at all, just like the rest of you've long been in need of a break, lol!