Will it ever end?

[lizj]

Bullying.

Son (ASD, MLD) is now 19, at college and in a mainstream class for the first time since age 11, when he was moved into special school.

Only four weeks into term and he is already the victim of bullying - other students stealing his bag and throwing stuff around the room, sticking post it notes on his back, tripping him up in the corridor etc etc.

I had hoped that by this age they would have grown out of this kind of behaviour.

I have told him to speak to his tutor about them, but wonder if anyone has any advice or at least encouragement for us? Will it ever end?

[baddad]

Bullying.

Son (ASD, MLD) is now 19, at college and in a mainstream class for the first time since age 11, when he was moved into special school.

Only four weeks into term and he is already the victim of bullying - other students stealing his bag and throwing stuff around the room, sticking post it notes on his back, tripping him up in the corridor etc etc.

I had hoped that by this age they would have grown out of this kind of behaviour.

I have told him to speak to his tutor about them, but wonder if anyone has any advice or at least encouragement for us? Will it ever end?

 

Hi Lizj -

I think a few years ago you (he) would have been less likely to encounter these kinds of problems, because by and large people who went to college went because they wanted to be there and wanted to learn, and left that kind of childish BS behind at school. Now, though, college is often seen more as an extension of school or the last 'assault' before adulthood and work beckons, and college years can be just as dispruptive/disrupted as any fifth or sixth form.

One big difference, though (I hope - yet to cross this bridge so don't actually know) is that it would be far easier in college to identify and actually sanction any ringleaders, and, for them, the implications of getting 'kicked out' of college are far greater than the implications of a school exclusion or detention.

One thing you're (he) going to have to be very clear on is what is happening, and when, and done by whom. Those involved, if they don't offer complete denials, are going to pass it off as 'harmless fun' ("he can't take a joke") or misunderstanding, (and there may actually be elements of that that have just got out of hand - no less problematic for him or you, but something to consider in how you respond) and cepcifics and clarity are the only ways you can really counter that. If possible, try to find some sympathetic 'witnesses' - often that isn't possible because onlookers are intimidated too or feel they will 'lose face' - but the liklihood is better in college of there being some more mature students who are prepared to stand up.

The college will have a disability co-ordinator, and this is likely to be someone with a bit more independence and a more clearly defined role than the average SENCO. Make an appointment with (or write a letter to if that seems a better approach) them, and give them as much detail as you can regarding the who/when/where/why etc.

Bit pushed now, but other things to consider - the college may have a few more security cameras dotted about. Worth suggesting that your son find out where they are and casually (without announcing the fact) gravitate toward them. Also worth discussing some sort of peer mentoring, or even just 'strategic positioning' if there are other kids not necessarily friends but not anatagonistic either around. Also having a 'quiet word' with his tutors. Try to get your son to do as much of this as he can for himself rather than 'stepping up' for him.

 

Finally, and not suggesting this is the case at all but something you do need to consider: does your son want to be there and is he, bullying aside, coping and enjoying it there? If you have any doubts about that you need to iron them out first, because though there could be a very real basis to his complaints of bullying they could be masking other issues.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[oxgirl]

So sorry to hear about this, lizj. Does your lad have a group of friends at college? Really hope it can be sorted out for him.

 

~ Mel ~

[Kathryn]

I had hoped that by this age they would have grown out of this kind of behaviour.

 

Alas no. Human nature doesn't change overnight and colleges will have the same bullying issues as schools and similar cohorts of students. My daughter certainly found this when she moved from the support department into the mainstream part of the college 2 years ago - she was also 19. She found some of the students disruptive, and rude and the tutors ineffective in dealing with it. According to her there was one lad who was picked on regularly and she stood up for him on several occasions and herself reported what was going on.

 

Just a couple of things to add to Baddad's good advice, the college should have a disability equality policy and an anti bullying policy - get hold of those and see what they should be doing and following before writing to them and/or meeting with them. Is your son already getting help from the support department? If so, your son could enlist their help to speak to the mainstream tutors and to ensure that are aware of his vulnerabilities and where he needs extra intervention or just someone to keep an eye out for any trouble.

 

Colleges have the same responsibility as schools to prevent harrassment and bullying and so you should have the same expectation that they will sort it out. If after a reasonable time it has still not been sorted out - they will have a complaints procedure: use it to move things on to the next level.

 

K x

[lizj]

Thanks for your replies.

The latest is this: he spoke to his tutor who asked if he wanted to make a formal complaint against two students in particular. He wasn't sure. He doesn't want them disciplined, just warned off, but this did not seem to be an option.

At break time he was approached and told that if he made a complaint the friends of the two in question would "get him". So he is now too scared to make a complaint.

It seems that colleges are no better than schools at dealing with these thugs.

I am just hoping that it's still early days and the novelty of picking on him will wear off soon.

[Sally44]

This seems to be a real fundamental flaw in the whole anti bullying strategy. I also know someone who was bullied for years and who even eventually had the courage to put in a formal complaint. Then the bullies intimidated everyone else, so that no-one would co-oberate the story and events. No evidence, no action taken.

 

I think you and your son should tell the tutors this and say that "naming the culprit" is not an option and that they need to find effective ways of keeping him safe, whilst also 'naming' those responsible so that staff can keep an eye on them and if they are caught doing anything they should come down on them like a slab of concrete.

 

Think of strategies such as always moving in a group, or at least in twos so that there is always someone with him who can confirm if anything happens. Unstructured time to again take place where there is an adult present (and who knows they are to keep an eye out).

 

To arrive and leave lessons with someone and for it to be done in such a way that it seems more casual and not planned. To move his locker away from where these other students are.

 

And to take the onus off him to complain. And put it onto the shoulders of the other people that accompany him.

[baddad]

Thanks for your replies.

The latest is this: he spoke to his tutor who asked if he wanted to make a formal complaint against two students in particular. He wasn't sure. He doesn't want them disciplined, just warned off, but this did not seem to be an option.

At break time he was approached and told that if he made a complaint the friends of the two in question would "get him". So he is now too scared to make a complaint.

It seems that colleges are no better than schools at dealing with these thugs.

I am just hoping that it's still early days and the novelty of picking on him will wear off soon.

 

Hi Liz - I'm really sorry, and this is probably not what you or he want to hear, but I think the novelty is unlikely to wear off if the behaviours go unsanctioned.

Not sure what you mean by 'official complaint or no other option'? Presumably, if he was approached at lunchtime and told 'if you complain we'll get you' then the boys concerned must have been made aware that a complaint was potentially in the pipeline. If that didn't come from your son, then presumably the tutor has had a 'quiet word' and tried at least to warn them off? The problem really is that if your son doesn't make a complaint and if the acts weren't witnessed first hand by staff then there's very little that can be done. That's not because the college isn't 'taking action', it's because there's no offcial complaint or record of any offence for them to take action against.

Very, very difficult situation I know, but I think you have to send a very clear message to the people concerned, and if friends of the people concerned are now making further threats then they have to be identified and sanctioned too. IMO there are really only two basic strategies that work to counter 'bullying' - you either make a stand against it (often the least desirable option in the short term but the most effective long term)or you dodge and weave to avoid it.

The reality more often than not is that when push comes to shove 'friends' who make secondary threats usually prove unwilling to actually take a bullet if the situation demands, regardless of how much they say they will before the event. You do get the occassional idiot who, from a sense of misplaced loyalty, will, or occassionally a 'friend' who is himself so intimidated that he feels he has no option, but that's rare even in school and i imagine the 'stakes' in college are even higher.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD