Phone calls and strategies

[Aimee1392]

Hi there am looking for some advice on some things.

 

I was diagnosed with AS 6 months ago but have always coped by myself, never really had any strategies, which has never worked out because I self-destruct, and don’t know where to go to get them, as they all seem to be aimed at teaching children how to cope.

 

A huge issue is phonecalls, especially as im too old (in my moms eyes) to get her to make them for me, but I end up never making them, especially for doctors/opticians appointments, finding out information about some clubs I go to, and I let things slide. Recently she’s been making me use the phone, but it ends up that I cant and we end up yelling at each other, she cant understand and tells me ‘we all have to lean’ but its really stressing me out. Does anyone know how I can overcome my aversion to phonecalls? I try planning what im going to say, but there is such a huge unknown with people I don’t know what to plan for, theres too much to do everything, especially when I have to explain things to people and they may not understand, and I always end up speaking too quickly or mumbling.

 

Does anyone know of any books aimed at devising strategies to help, because ive been trawling through webpages and there is lots of advice and encouragement, or all about younger people. Ive managed so far, but in a way that cant continue so am at a bit of a loose end.

Thanks! Aimee

[Tally]

Hi Aimee,

 

I am an adult with Asperger's, who also has a huge difficulty making phone calls. The good news is that I have got better at this with practice.

 

I think your mum has a point that it is good for you to learn to make phone calls yourself. But rather than just stopping doing it, it would be helpful if she could support you in learning how to make phone calls. If you can come up with an action plan, then maybe she will be willing to help you with it. At the moment she may be feeling frustrated at having to do it all for you. If she can see that you are eventually going to make all your own phone calls, maybe she will feel less frustrated about helping you out a bit.

 

Maybe you could start with just making the easier phone calls. If you did not have to stress about the difficult ones, you might be able to focus on the easy ones and gradually build up to the difficult ones. When things go well, it will boost your confidence, and then you can start on the more difficult ones.

[Kathryn]

Here is a previous thread on the subject - a good discussion and you can see that the phone holds fears for many of us, ASD or not! See if any of the suggestions are helpful for you.

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/Index.php?/topic/22410-phone-phobic/page__p__271271__hl__%2Btelephone+%2Bcalls__fromsearch__1#entry271271

 

Ther may be books - the only ones I've seen are specifically written for students of English as a foreign language but you may find some of them useful as non native speakers struggle with similar difficulties on the phone. I think the only thing that really works though, is doing it. Although you may never quite lose the fear, regular practice helps to manage it and to gain confidence - I speak from experience. Most calls go OK, and most of the time the person on the other end doesn't know you're nervous, and the more you do, the smoother your "performance" becomes.

 

I find it does help to plan and even write out the first few sentences as it's usually the opening part of the call which is the most nerve wracking. Also the end is a bit tricky so you can decide how to do that. Perhaps try just one call a day and start with something really simple and formulaic, where minimal interaction is required, like phoning your local supermarket to find out what time they close. Then you can plan and be in control of the whole call. A few successes like that, even small ones - should help to build up your confidence a bit and demonstrate that people do actually understand you. You could try roleplaying the call first with your mum or someone else you trust.

 

To offer a perspective of the person on the other end: I speak to people on the phone as part of my job and deal with a wide variety of accents, levels of English and on lines which are variable in quality. Sometimes I have to ask people to repeat themselves or to clarify something but that's perfectly normal and I certainly don't think badly of the caller as a result - I'm more likely to blame myself for not listening properly! What I'm saying is, try not to worry what they anonymous person on the other end thinks - it's unlikely they are judging you negatively.

 

My sympathies - it's not easy but don't give up.

 

 

K x

[lizj]

It may help you to know that anxiety about using phones is more common than you think - I really struggle and I don't have any ASD issues at all, and so do some other NT people that I know.

If I can get someone else to call for me, I will. If I need to make an appointment, I tend to put it off until I can go and do it in person. And email has been a godsend because you don't need to speak to anyone at all.

If I am in a position where I have to make a call, I carefully plan what I want to say in advance. If the conversation takes me too far away from my script, or I don't understand the other person I will say "Sorry, I have to go. I will call back later." or pretend that there is someone at the door.

It's a good idea above, start by making routine enquiries about opening times. I might do that myself and see if it helps!

[oxgirl]

I find it really helpful to jot down a few key words before I make an important call. That way, while I'm talking I can be looking at my list of things I need to ask about or bring up and it will jog my memory and keep me on track for what I have to say. It may seem simplistic, but if I were ringing to make an appointment I might just jot down:

 

- appointment

- Tuesdays

- p.m.

- not the 15th,

 

or whatever is relevant. Sometimes, while I'm talking on the phone, especailly if I'm nervous, I find that a key word might suddenly go out of my head and I find I can't grasp it, leading to embarrassing pauses while I try to remember it so, beforehand, I usually jot down any relevant key words that might come up in the conversation to jog my memory.

 

Hope that helps. I'd advise you to just keep trying and it will get easier.

 

~ Mel ~