"I'll never have a normal life"

[oxgirl]

Feeling quite sad and upset. Jay has been at an ASD college since September, he'd previously been in an ASD unit attached to mainstream school. In his school unit for the last two years it was just him and two other boys, both of whom were non-verbal. Jay always saw himself as being very able and clever, etc., etc. He didn't want to go to the college because he felt himself too able. Well, it seems it's the opposite. In his group there are five other lads and Jay is having a massive identity crisis based on the fact that he is the 'least able' in his group. He has been very unhappy for a couple of weeks, very aggressive and angry and I finally got him to talk on Friday, when he broke down and cried. He feels so hopeless, feels he'll never have a normal life and do the things others do, he kept talking about how the kids at college are so much cooler than him, know so much more, are so much funnier and more confident and mature, etc. etc. He says he's missed out on so much and he doesn't fit in with the kids at the college and if he can't fit in with them how will he ever fit in with anyone. It's a crushing blow to him and has really knocked his confidence in himself, he says he used to know who he was and now he doesn't know anymore.

 

I'm just not sure how to help him through this really, mostly I guess it's a matter of time and him coming to terms with things. He just seems to be getting lower and lower though. He looks at what the other kids can do and knows he can't do half of that stuff yet and doesn't see how he ever will. He sees the progress he's made as 'nothing' compared to what the others can do.

 

Part of me thinks this is a good thing that he has these kids as role models, almost, it was never good for him stagnating in a unit with just two other kids, even though he was top dog there. It's just so hurtful to see him feeling so bad about himself and suffering so much. I think he's depressed and could benefit from anti-d's, but he's dead against it. Not sure what else I can do and how he will ever get out there and start having a life.

 

~ Mel ~

 

(sorry, somehow managed to post twice. Must feel twice as bad)

Edited November 7, 2010 by oxgirl

[oxgirl]

Feeling quite sad and upset. Jay has been at an ASD college since September, he'd previously been in an ASD unit attached to mainstream school. In his school unit for the last two years it was just him and two other boys, both of whom were non-verbal. Jay always saw himself as being very able and clever, etc., etc. He didn't want to go to the college because he felt himself too able. Well, it seems it's the opposite. In his group there are five other lads and Jay is having a massive identity crisis based on the fact that he is the 'least able' in his group. He has been very unhappy for a couple of weeks, very aggressive and angry and I finally got him to talk on Friday, when he broke down and cried. He feels so hopeless, feels he'll never have a normal life and do the things others do, he kept talking about how the kids at college are so much cooler than him, know so much more, are so much funnier and more confident and mature, etc. etc. He says he's missed out on so much and he doesn't fit in with the kids at the college and if he can't fit in with them how will he ever fit in with anyone. It's a crushing blow to him and has really knocked his confidence in himself, he says he used to know who he was and now he doesn't know anymore.

 

I'm just not sure how to help him through this really, mostly I guess it's a matter of time and him coming to terms with things. He just seems to be getting lower and lower though. He looks at what the other kids can do and knows he can't do half of that stuff yet and doesn't see how he ever will. He sees the progress he's made as 'nothing' compared to what the others can do.

 

Part of me thinks this is a good thing that he has these kids as role models, almost, it was never good for him stagnating in a unit with just two other kids, even though he was top dog there. It's just so hurtful to see him feeling so bad about himself and suffering so much. I think he's depressed and could benefit from anti-d's, but he's dead against it. Not sure what else I can do and how he will ever get out there and start having a life.

 

~ Mel ~

[JsMum]

I would request a referral to the mental health services and look at theraputic services that can provide educational vocation for people with special needs.

 

what about a special needs college?

 

What is clear though is that this has caused your son great distress and he is really hurting.

 

JsMumx

[smiley1590]

at the moment that's exactly what point i've reached in my life don't know where am i where fit in where i belong the difference is i work even there i feel 'outsider' less able than my colleagues ... feel 'black sheep' all time makes you feel so dreadful awful makes you have low self-esteem drags you further and further down get deeper and deeper sounds like he depressed and frustrated with the 'missing differences' that he struggling to cope with and accept become fight battle against yourself even at school i felt like he did so easy to get into that trapped overwhelmed suffocated feeling where everything A.S wise seems comlicated and takes away pride and feels like you'll never be good enough for anything or anyone you'll never make it in the independant world .... you go over and over it non stop never ending circle ... so i can empathise and sympathise with your son's emotions and feelings A.S makes you reach emotional breaking point makes you fed up of 'being you' with A.S! you just wish you get rid of A.S feel so bad guilty for having it following you around everywhere with no eascpe route feel like no happy ending in sight however hard you try however much effort and determation

 

XKLX

[Tally]

I'm sorry Jay is so unhappy. It must be hard going from being the most able to the least able. His previous placement does sound like he was very sheltered and only mixing with a couple of other children. Going to college will have been a huge change now that he is mixing with lots of other students all of a sudden.

 

I was a bit older than Jay when I first started to see I was so far behind other people my own age, but then I was quite protected from my peers in school because I mixed with a Church youth group throughout my teens, where we were steered away from the kinds of things other kids in school were doing. I think it's quite common for people with ASD to be quite immature and for it to become very noticeable throughout the teenage years and perhaps into the early 20s as well. I don't know if it would be reassuring for Jay to know that he will "catch up" eventually.

 

Antidepressants are not always the answer, and they do not address the negative thought patterns that can lead to worsening depression. Would he be willing to talk to a counsellor or therapist about things? It might be more effective than medication anyway.

[oxgirl]

Thanks for responses so far.

Tally, he is at an ASD unit at college, so he can't understand why, if all the other kids are AS too, they don't seem to be like him and he feels different from them. He says they hide their AS much more than him and his is more obvious, was talking about one student and said he didn't know why he was even there, he was 'perfect', by which he means independent, funny, mature, social, etc.

He has had some therapy sessions with CAMHS and we're waiting for another appointment to come through, but he won't open up to them, he says he doesn't want to talk about it. He used to talk to me but it took two weeks to get out of him how bad he was feeling about himself, he just said there's nothing I can do.

 

~ Mel ~

[bikergal]

Hi Mel, I don't think I have anything helpful to add but just wanted to say you're not alone. Dd1 has been to the local teen group, but gets very upset when we get back home because they're all so different to her...in her eyes they're 'normal', because they can talk and chat and help out. Dd1 can't do any of those things without being prompted or having a direct question asked of her, so is effectively mute there. She's not independent in any way, shape or form, and I think you've done well in helping Jay develop his skills in that area. Dd1's deficits (and I'm not making excuses for her), are huge, but the worst thing is that she is aware of this at times. She attends a local college having been out of school for quite some time, and is still attending despite struggling with various things. College are going to put a language/social skills package together for her, to try to help her express herself and her wishes. She also thinks some of the AS teens, despite their speaking abilities, are weird. But this is because they have problems reading body language and telling when someone wants to talk (or be interrogated!) or not! I think life can be tough for teenagers anyway, but people on the spectrum may be even more aware of their differences. Sorry no advice...