I will never understand them :(

[RainbowsButterflies]

I had to go in to settle my little boy earlier, and as I was stood over his cot looking at him it hit me. I will never understand him properly, and the older he gets, the more difficult it will become. I love my children so much but I'm really struggling with them at the moment

[bid]

I had to go in to settle my little boy earlier, and as I was stood over his cot looking at him it hit me. I will never understand him properly, and the older he gets, the more difficult it will become. I love my children so much but I'm really struggling with them at the moment

 

Hi Rainbows,

 

I have a dx of AS, and I have 4 children ranging from 21 to 9. My eldest has AS. ADHD and Dyspraxia.

 

All parents, whether they are ASD or NT, bring different skills and understanding to parenting each of their children.

 

For myself, I find it difficult to answer questions, as I don't always process things quickly enough...but my DH is great at explaining things. But I have better skills at doing practical things with them, and although I have AS I seem to have a better understanding of why things might be upsetting them, especially my daughters.

 

No parent can be all things to their child. So long as you are a reflective parent who thinks over things regularly, who loves them and tries their best, I don't think you can go far wrong.

 

I worried about getting loads of things 'wrong ' with my eldest as he was growing up...but now he has a full-time job, friends, and this summer moved out to live independently in his own little flat. So I guess we didn't do too badly after all!

 

HTH

 

Bid

[Karen A]

<'> <'>

It can get better.

I do not know how old your son is but guess he is not very old.

In the first three years of Ben's life when J was also under six I had some truly awful times.I had clear plans in place to just walk out on several occasions.

I did not know then that Ben had AS but I was very unhappy and anxious myself.

Ben is 12 now and J is 14.They are both doing fine.We still have ups and downs however it is difficult to believe how much better things are now.Although Ben has difficult times he has support in place and is doing better than we could ever have hoped just six months ago.

 

Karen.

[coolblue]

I would have said exactly the same when my son was at the 'cot' age. Now he's 12 I know exactly what makes him tick. I feel I understand him better than I understand any other member of the family. Doesn't mean we feel the same way about life, but I know where he's coming from.

 

cb

[lizj]

Oh, we all know and understand that feeling of hopelessness and helplessness, but I hope it makes you feel better to know that things do get better. As the years pass you will grow to understand what makes him tick, and even if he doesn't communicate in a "normal" way, you will learn to know what he means and what he wants you to know.

There are times you think you can't do it, but they pass and your love for him and determination to do the best for him will win through.

Be kind to yourself, don't set yourself impossibly high standards and accept any offers of help wherever they may come from.

[bid]

Rainbows, are you worried about your parenting because you feel you might have AS, or because you feel your child does?

 

Bid <'>

[JeanneA]

Unfortunately things have got more difficult for me as my son has gotten older. I am truly struggling and am just very thankful that he is more likely going away for an inpatient assessment after Christmas. I hope things are not as hard for you in years to come, after all children are all very different.

[RainbowsButterflies]

Rainbows, are you worried about your parenting because you feel you might have AS, or because you feel your child does?

 

Bid <'>

 

I'm pretty sure I have AS/PDA, and my GP (although he refused to refer me ), Ed Psych, SpLD team and inclusion team at uni all agree. I've referred myself back to my psychiatrist (anxiety & depression) to push for an assessment/diagnosis that way as my GP fobbed me off with the 'no funding' argument *sighs*.

 

DS is 14 months but he is just like his Daddy so I'm confident he won't have any issues. DD (35 months) however is exactly like me in everyway, including her pedantism, issues with noise, need to be in control etc etc etc, so much so that I feel she may also have AS/PDA. GP says she's too young to assess, I've asked nursery to look out for any indicators and plan to speak to my HV over the Christmas holidays.

 

I don't know if it's the fact that DD is so much like me, or if it is just part of getting older that their moods become less clear. As babies I had no trouble reading what they wanted but it definitely seems to be getting harder, even with DS.

 

I'm probably just over-tired and over-emotional. I'm still getting over tonsillitis which is taking for ever, have far too much uni work to do and am stressed.

 

I have only recently realised that it's not so much that I'm doing something different and I can figure it out and fix it, but that I just genuinely can't read people's non-verbal signals or anticipate what reaction my words/actions will have. Every time I've gone into a situation where I have met new people, I've had this hope that things would all fall into place this time. And I have always been disappointed and frustrated. I have felt like I'm doing the same thing as everybody else, so why doesn't it work for me? But clearly it hasn't been the same..

 

I wish that someone had realised what the problem was when I was still at school - even if nothing could have been done to help, then instead of the 20+ years I've spent hoping that one day things would get better, I would at least have understood the difference. Looking back, I'm fairly sure that my mother had some form of HFA, but as she died 3 years ago I can't speak to her about it. And I think growing up with little obvious signs of affection, and being encouraged to keep things to myself is part of the reason why it's taken me so long to realise. I spoke to my DH (who I have known since I was 11 and been with since I was 16), and he said he's always known I was 'a little bit autistic, but it's just you' - I wish he had said something instead of leaving me in the dark... Although he is confused by the concept of the autistic spectrum and seems to think that everyone is on the spectrum to a greater or lesser degree.

[bid]

I've just finished a night shift, so will keep this brief...

 

Focusing on your fears that things never fall into place when you meet new people...you have actually sustained a long-term, successful relationship with your DH, which is something many, many people who aren't on the autistic spectrum never manage to achieve, so take heart from that! <'>

 

I'll come back and post some more when I've slept

 

Bid

[bid]

OK, woken up!

 

Rainbows, I have worried hugely at times over this question of how I relate to/understand my children. I spent a long time talking through this issue during my assessment for AS.

 

I was diagnosed at Simon Baron-Cohen's specialist adult diagnostic clinic, so the psychiatrist I saw had wide experience working with adults on the autistic spectrum. He presented my diagnosis in a positive way, not focusing exclusively on my difficulties.

 

He engaged with my worries about my children by basically saying what I did in my first post here. All parents bring different skills, understanding and life experiences to parenting each of their children. He looked at the positive things I do with mine, and pointed out that my DH and myself sort of balance out each other's differences.

 

I know that when I was going through the process of recognisisng that there really was something 'different' about me, not that I was just abnormal or inadequate, and then started on the process of assessment and diagnosis, I dissected and analysed every tiny thing I did, all of my life choices and mistakes, etc. I would imagine this is very common.

 

It's been 3 1/2 years since my diagnosis, and in that time I have been able to calm down a bit I guess, process the fact I have AS and take a more balanced view of myself and my life. I still have low moments and wobbles (bad sensory overload horror at work recently) but on the whole I try and focus on what I have achieved in my life rather than the things I find difficult or feel I've got wrong.

 

I know I still get things wrong with social interaction, as you describe, but I try and balance that for myself with the fact that my DH hasn't seemed to mind for coming up to 20 years, and now that my children are getting older (and grown up in my eldest's case) I can see more that they are happy, well-balanced and love me

 

I do know what a confusing and unsettling time it is when professionals start to say that you and/or your child may well be on the autistic spectrum. It can feel as though you are submerged underneath it all with no way out. But my experience has been that with time things do settle down and you will make peace with who you are <'>

 

Bid

Edited November 15, 2010 by bid

[bid]

Sorry, just re-read your last post.

 

I certainly recognise your feelings at all the 'lost' time when you were younger. When my eldest was diagnosed at 7, 14 years ago, my dad began to recognise that he had AS himself (and so did the rest of us as we read more about ASD!!). I'm sure he did have AS, and at the end of his life he was identified as having 'mild' autism during various mental health assessments.

 

Try and focus on the fact that you are actually still quite young , as is your DD, for any difficulties to have been recognised. I was 41 when I was diagnosed. You have lots of time to get to know who you really are, why you experience certain things or why you relate in certain ways. I know you must feel completely overwhelmed right now, and worried about your DD, but please believe that you can find self-acceptance and a peaceful place through the other side of any assessments and possible diagnosis <'>

 

Bid

Edited November 15, 2010 by bid

[RainbowsButterflies]

Thankyou for sharing your experierences, it really helps to hear that others have had similar feelings and that it does become less overwhelming. I'm not /that/ young - I'm 30 but I appreciate what you are saying in terms of having plenty of life left.

 

Hopefully, I will have a more positive experience when I see the psychiatrist (who is not the one I have seen before), and I can get a diagnosis so I have something more concrete to work from, and also a means to support.

 

K x