The irony of fitting in!

[bobbybaggio]

I have aspergers and have spent my life trying to fit in. I think I've done it so well that it gets me into trouble! People around me end-up having such high expectations of me that I will eventually let them down and lose friends as a result. I get really upset when this happens because the people who fall out with me don't realise how much effort I put into being the person they expected me to be! I've just fallen out with two close friends because they couldn't deal with the way I was. They didn't know I have aspergers. I did email them recently to try explain but they're not interested.

 

I'm so fed-up that for the first time I'm considering telling everyone around me. I've never told anyone including family and a bit anxious about doing it. Is it worthwhile? Does anything change as a result? Are friends more understanding or do they treat you as a lesser person?

 

Desperate for advice :s

[smiley1590]

i get where you coming from on this friendship issue situation ....similiar probs here!!!

 

my best best mate or so i thought doesn't get A.S self harm depression anxiety none of it that is it or comes with it she don't accept get it is 'me' i can't change it make it 'right' it frustrating for me putting strain pressure on our friendship buckling under it but she very selfish and self centred has to be her way or NO way she has her opinions are HEARD!!! she makes hard difficult to make progress as she twists situations around to make me feel bad guilty wrong when it HER!

 

i feel like i make all effort all work she puts in naff all and it coming to gradual end or end in disagreement with strong words when comes back from wales uni for xmas she very pushy presarvsive she very manpulitive can be harsh cold ... unsympathic and leave me questioning everything ... she makes me feel 'not good enough' to be her best friend and leaves me upset annoyed hurt all time it from her POV drives me mad crazy i'm reaching breaking snapping point .... i think she thinks it's easy life with A.S why do i find so hard when do explain she don't get any of it she just says i don't TRY HARD enough if wanted it bad i'd do it independence skills etc she thinks cause she can i automatically can and i said doesn't work that way! wish it was alot of time!

 

my other mates are supportive understanding non judgemental etc they just think barmy crazy mad anyways with or without A.S!!! A.S may add to that though!

 

XKLX

[jfjyhtftr1]

I don't know if this is any help, but I'm always inclined to tell people fairly soon in getting to know them, if not immediatley. I can cope in social situations to the point where people tend to just assume I'm just very shy, and don't suspect I am autistic, but I often just feel more comfortable telling people so that they will understand if I do say or do something wrong. In my experience people have always been sympathetic and understanding, and will often actually then go and read up more about autism. I've always found making freinds difficult, but over the last few years I've made some brilliant freinds who are very kind to me, and with their help I'm becomming much more confident. Sorry If I've been rambling on, but I hope it can be of some help.

[Tanya52]

I don’t have any friends and I’m so used not having them that I actually accepted my friendless status and learnt how to get on with my life. Why everyone has to have friends? And if I can’t make them, does it make me less human? It’s obvious that I’m not popular, so what? Please correct me if I’m wrong’ that wining a popularity contest is a very important social function and a strategic self-marketing device. It somehow doesn’t feel important enough to sell myself every day. How can I live with myself knowing that I’m not the friends’ winner but a loser in such an important social activity? Quite comfortably, in fact.

 

I like people and I love to be in their company. But I have no illusions - some will try to use me. One must learn how to say politely ‘NO thanks’. The friendly ones keep their distance too. I have no key pals even on Autistic Forums. I like to communicate with children because they are not pretensions and seems accept me just as I am. Adults want more and expect more; they need to classify and label me. Here I am: odd posture, odd voce and odd body language. I’m my own friend.

 

thanks for reading

[bobbybaggio]

I don't know if this is any help, but I'm always inclined to tell people fairly soon in getting to know them, if not immediatley. I can cope in social situations to the point where people tend to just assume I'm just very shy, and don't suspect I am autistic, but I often just feel more comfortable telling people so that they will understand if I do say or do something wrong. In my experience people have always been sympathetic and understanding, and will often actually then go and read up more about autism. I've always found making freinds difficult, but over the last few years I've made some brilliant freinds who are very kind to me, and with their help I'm becomming much more confident. Sorry If I've been rambling on, but I hope it can be of some help.

 

Hi no you're not rambling on. It's very comforting and good advice

 

I think you're right and with hindsight I wish I'd done the same and maybe things wouldn't have been so hard. I am lucky with one or two friends who've known me since I was a child. I will tell them but the good thing is I don't have to because they just accept me the way I am anyway. It does show that there are genuine people out there.

 

I'm going to tell people that have known me for 2-3 years about it. Is there a good way to tell them? I was going to be honest and just say I fell out with our other friends because they expected too much of me and wanted me to understand things I'm not capable of understanding. Then say it's because I have aspergers. I dunno...needs some though....very stressful!

[trekster]

bobbybagio have you considered joining a NAS social group?

 

"Strathclyde autistic society music group" http://www.autism.org.uk/directory/search-results/pg=1/resources/13784.aspx

 

or contacting your local Autism Resource Centre?

 

"Elizabeth Finnen

Information Officer

Suite 4 Abercromby Business Centre

279 Abercromby Street

Bridgeton

Glasgow

G40 2DD

 

Telephone number: 0141 276 7182

Email: SW_Infoarc@glasgow.gov.uk "

 

(NAS website)

 

It runs drop in session with various activities

 

"The ARC runs drop-in sessions for individuals aged 16+, which are broken down between informal social contact (the lunch slot), followed by a structured activity led by one of the ARC staff, and finishing off with two hours of unstructured activity during which adults can undertake their own activities using their own resources or those available at the ARC. The structured activities include the following groups: buddying; newsletter and website; service user involvement; and presentation skills. We also host a monthly film night, snacks and soft drinks supplied free of charge. Please note that only individuals known to the ARC or referred by partner organisations may attend."

[jfjyhtftr1]

Hi no you're not rambling on. It's very comforting and good advice

 

I think you're right and with hindsight I wish I'd done the same and maybe things wouldn't have been so hard. I am lucky with one or two friends who've known me since I was a child. I will tell them but the good thing is I don't have to because they just accept me the way I am anyway. It does show that there are genuine people out there.

 

I'm going to tell people that have known me for 2-3 years about it. Is there a good way to tell them? I was going to be honest and just say I fell out with our other friends because they expected too much of me and wanted me to understand things I'm not capable of understanding. Then say it's because I have aspergers. I dunno...needs some though....very stressful!

 

I just tend to quietly bring it up in conversation without making much of a fuss about it, particularly when it will help me to explain something about myself (like why you have fallen out with your other freinds, or in my case usually being shy). I think that's sort of what you are describing, so you are probably on the right lines. I've certainly never had any adverse reaction if that is any comfort. Good luck!

[Tally]

I have a similar problem. The only thing I really do is go to work, that is the only place I really meet people. Because work is quite a structured environment and most conversations centres around the job, I manage quite well there. I also put a lot of effort into work as I feel it is very important. Whilst I am frequently late when arranging to meet someone, I make a huge effort to get myself to work on time. This effort leaves me quite worn out outside of work, but no one at work sees that.

 

Having got to know my boss quite well, I recently told him about my Asperger's. I told him more as a friend than as my employer, as we have worked closely together but I do not need any adjustments in work. He was quite surprised about some of the things I told him I find hard, as he had not really seen me struggle in work.

 

For example, I often forget to eat meals. I always remember in work because I have a lunch hour and I know that lunch hour is the right time to eat. I do not have a lunch hour at home on my day off. I have difficulty approaching a stranger and starting a conversation, but I do not have the same difficulty in work because I know what they have come into the shop to talk about and I am confident that I will know the answers or be able to ask my boss for them. I know that it is important to approach a customer with a smile on my face and most of the conversations follow the same "template." Conversations outside of work are very different, but my boss does not see me socially.

 

The way I told my boss was kind of similar to the way you are thinking of telling your friends. It worked well for me and is a way I would use again. I pointed out some of the ways I might seem a bit strange that my boss would have already noticed, for example that I like to talk about cats all the time. Then I told him that this is because I have Asperger's and he asked me a bit more about it. It helps that my boss is a little odd himself and has many of the same difficulties that I have. I had suspected he may have Asperger's as well actually, but he feels his difficulties are caused by something else. I have not talked to him about whether he may have Asperger's.

 

I think if you have already fallen out with someone it might be a bit too late to explain that you have Asperger's. Them ignoring you may have nothing to do with your Asperger's and simply that they have already decided they do not like you. They may even think you are using your Asperger's as an excuse if they feel you have treated them badly. If you are not capable of giving them the kind of friendship they are after, then it does not really matter whether Asperger's is the cause for that or not. If anything it confirms for them that you are never going to be able to give what they want from you. Sometimes two people are simply not destined to be friends together and there's not a lot you can do about it.

 

With people you've known for a long time, they have already got to know your funny ways and still like you anyway. The understanding that Asperger's is what may cause these funny ways will probably not change the way they see you very much, but could improve thing and mean they have a little more patience if you do or say something strange. It can open doors for more open communication between you and them, which can improve friendships. They may be able to support you in situations you find hard if they are there as well.

 

You have to bear in mind that your friends may tell other people about your Asperger's. It would not really be fair to swear them to secrecy over something like this, and the more people you tell the more likely it is that someone will let it slip. So just bear in mind that once you start telling people, more and more people will know about it. This might not be a bad thing

[bobbybaggio]

I have a similar problem. The only thing I really do is go to work, that is the only place I really meet people. Because work is quite a structured environment and most conversations centres around the job, I manage quite well there. I also put a lot of effort into work as I feel it is very important. Whilst I am frequently late when arranging to meet someone, I make a huge effort to get myself to work on time. This effort leaves me quite worn out outside of work, but no one at work sees that.

 

Having got to know my boss quite well, I recently told him about my Asperger's. I told him more as a friend than as my employer, as we have worked closely together but I do not need any adjustments in work. He was quite surprised about some of the things I told him I find hard, as he had not really seen me struggle in work.

 

I'm the same with work but I haven't told anyone about aspergers. I work in a call centre which is a very structured environment. I know our products and services better than anyone and get excellent recognition for my abilities. Like you said I find speaking to customers easy because calls are structured and I know all the answers to questions customers will ask. I did have a go at outbound telesales which was traumatic to say the least- felt so out of place. What is it that you do?

 

Yeah I don't think it's going to be a bad thing people knowing in general. At least I'll have nothing to hide and people can take me as I am or leave me.

 

Oh and thanks for the information Trekster- I work in Glasgow city centre so this would be convenient

[bobbybaggio]

I have a similar problem. The only thing I really do is go to work, that is the only place I really meet people. Because work is quite a structured environment and most conversations centres around the job, I manage quite well there. I also put a lot of effort into work as I feel it is very important. Whilst I am frequently late when arranging to meet someone, I make a huge effort to get myself to work on time. This effort leaves me quite worn out outside of work, but no one at work sees that.

 

Having got to know my boss quite well, I recently told him about my Asperger's. I told him more as a friend than as my employer, as we have worked closely together but I do not need any adjustments in work. He was quite surprised about some of the things I told him I find hard, as he had not really seen me struggle in work.

 

I'm the same with work but I haven't told anyone about aspergers. I work in a call centre which is a very structured environment. I know our products and services better than anyone and get excellent recognition for my abilities. Like you said I find speaking to customers easy because calls are structured and I know all the answers to questions customers will ask. I did have a go at outbound telesales which was traumatic to say the least- felt so out of place. What is it that you do?

 

Yeah I don't think it's going to be a bad thing people knowing in general. At least I'll have nothing to hide and people can take me as I am or leave me.

 

Oh and thanks for the information Trekster- I work in Glasgow city centre so this would be convenient

[Tally]

I work in a dry cleaning shop. I don't actually operate the dry cleaning machine, but I do some work behind the scenes. I serve all the customers, but they do not all visit in a steady stream so it is not constantly customer-facing. In a previous job I worked on a deli counter and found the constant customer interaction very stressful. I've been at the dry cleaners about 18 months now and have got to know very well about the services we offer, prices we charge, and whether a person's stain is likely to come out, so when a customer comes in and I approach the counter I feel confident that I am going to be able to handle nearly every transaction by myself. One day a week I open up the shop and work all day by myself. I would have felt very scared doing this when I was still new, but it's fine now I know how it all works.

 

I would not always tell my boss about having Asperger's. But I work with him so much that I felt we had become friends. That is why I decided to tell him. Work is a different situation to your friendships, so you may well choose not to tell people at work.