my relationship is not happy :(help would be much appreciated!

[js2301]

This is all very new to me, so apologies if I seem ignorant- I'm still learning!

 

My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm struggling to cope with it at the moment. We've been together for about two months, and the more I get to know him, the more I notice his fairly non-typical behaviours (compared to someone without AS obviously). For example, he's really bad at eye contact, he has a set of things he does with his hands when he's excited or upset (which he is fully aware of) and he often can't completely understand how I'm feeling, although he is a very sensitive person and tried his best. He's also obsessed with politics and could talk about it for hours, sometimes without realising that I want to talk about something else. The specialist that saw him said he was an interesting case because he was the most socially advanced person with AS he had ever seen. My boyfriend thinks it's because he was expected to socialise from a very early age and had been brought up very strictly.

 

I do like him a lot, but I'm worried that if I don't develop some skills to understand and communicate with him this relationship will end very soon. We live 40 minutes away from each other and he works full time (I'm a student)making it even more complicated.

 

So, here's what I'd really like to know

 

1.When he says something very direct and seemingly hurtful to me, how is the best way to let him know I don't like what he's just said?

2.How can I talk to him about our relationship and keep his attention on me,not his obsessions?

3. Is it ok, when he's obsessing, to bring him out of the obsession and how can I change the subject in the gentlest way?

4. From the second date he was telling me he loved me-is this normal with someone with Aspergers? How do I tell him I want to slow things down without hurting his feelings? Last time I brought the subject up he turned it into "YOU only want to see me[whatever number of times]" even after we'd decided to go back to the old number of times.

6. Communication problems!!At the moment, when I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rubs his face, rolls his eyes and pretty much goes silent. Also, when he has stress in his life he tends to take it out on me by being moody and tense. He won't say what the problem is for days on end sometimes which is very stressful for me.

 

I'd like to know from people who have been in this situation, or from people who recognise that they do some of this themselves and how they are feeling.I have a (much decreased, but still there) anxiety problem so I just take it all personally and get very upset. I don't want this to ruin our relationship, that's why I posted on here to try and understand more. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and rambling-I'm quite emotional at the moment thinking about how much I want this to carry on and how big the odds are against it

Edited January 13, 2011 by js2301

[anewman]

So, here's what I'd really like to know

 

1.When he says something very direct and seemingly hurtful to me, how is the best way to let him know I don't like what he's just said?

2.How can I talk to him about our relationship and keep his attention on me,not his obsessions?

3. Is it ok, when he's obsessing, to bring him out of the obsession and how can I change the subject in the gentlest way?

4. From the second date he was telling me he loved me-is this normal with someone with Aspergers? How do I tell him I want to slow things down without hurting his feelings? Last time I brought the subject up he turned it into "YOU only want to see me[whatever number of times]" even after we'd decided to go back to the old number of times.

6. Communication problems!!At the moment, when I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rubs his face, rolls his eyes and pretty much goes silent. Also, when he has stress in his life he tends to take it out on me by being moody and tense. He won't say what the problem is for days on end sometimes which is very stressful for me.

 

1. I would say be direct and to the point, say when you said x it made me feel y, and if you can add a reason this may help his understanding further. Don't pussyfoot around worrying you may hurt his feelings, this is the only way he will understand, subtle signals and suggestions may not work.

 

2 and 3 I'm not sure I can provide any helpful answers on, sorry.

 

4. I would hazard a guess that either he used the 4 letter word because he liked you intensely and considered this love, he is out of a long-term relationship and use of the word is somewhat routine, or perhaps he sees it as an acceptable courtship behaviour in an attempt to keep your interest. Or any combination of all 3. Regards "slowing things down" it is possible he may not understand and see this as almost a rejection. I'd say I still don't understand the concept of "love" as most NT's seem to understand it.

 

6. I often don't like to talk about things or bring things up because I feel there is no benefit in talking about it. It may be difficult to understand from your perspective that he may not talk about something because all that he believes can be given is sympathy which may be of little benefit to him. When it is something you really want to talk about, again be direct and say "I really want to talk about x please".

 

It sounds very much that you like him but are struggling with his "different" behaviour. Consider that you may not be able to mould him to how you want him to be, as much as he might not be able to mould you into what he wants you to be. Look at the relationship on its merits and think whether you would be happy in three years time with little change. Remember also that noone is perfect.

Edited January 13, 2011 by anewman

[zenemu]

1.When he says something very direct and seemingly hurtful to me, how is the best way to let him know I don't like what he's just said?

 

Generally speaking if he says something that seems a little too direct it will more likely be a simply honest observation. In general we Aspies are not very good at self censoring and verbally we occasionally look before we leap. The truth is he probably won’t realise he has caused offense and will be surprised and upset by that knowledge. You DO need to tell him though and explain why precisely he has upset you. It is the only way he can learn not to do it again, but more importantly incidents like this and these kinds of interventions will help him improve his social and interpersonal skills.

 

2.How can I talk to him about our relationship and keep his attention on me,not his obsessions?

 

Tell him in advance. Make it clear that you want to say your piece uninterrupted and that you want him to listen and think about what you have said. It may not seem like it at times, but I daresay his relationship with you is very important to him. We naturally struggle with relationships and they are a constant learning curve, but also tend to be very precious to us.

 

3. Is it ok, when he's obsessing, to bring him out of the obsession and how can I change the subject in the gentlest way?

 

Sometimes it is simply better to let him talk about his interests, but not always. If he changes the subject or speaks over you – make the point of telling him that you hadn’t finished speaking. It is never an issue that will go away entirely, but as the relationship matures, you will probably find that his need to talk about his special interests, with you at least, will diminish. Special interests are difficult to explain, but I suppose it is subconsciously like that old public speaking trick – where you picture everyone in the audience naked. These interests are partly a way of coping with an unexpected or high pressure situation – and for an Aspie, nothing is quite so high pressure as a new relationship.

4. From the second date he was telling me he loved me-is this normal with someone with Aspergers? How do I tell him I want to slow things down without hurting his feelings? Last time I brought the subject up he turned it into "YOU only want to see me[whatever number of times]" even after we'd decided to go back to the old number of times.

 

This is a bit of a tricky one to explain. You see we tend to be a little too honest to a fault. I daresay he does love you, but by admitting it so early on in the relationship, he is actually opening up to you, which is a difficult thing for any Aspie to do. Without meaning to, you probably pointed out that this isn’t normal behaviour. When that happens it is easy for him to feel a bit foolish and sensitive, so he will be defensive. I don’t think it is necessarily a question of slowing things down. He is most likely happy to follow your lead in this relationship – because it isn’t something he is going to have much natural understanding of.

6. Communication problems!!At the moment, when I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rubs his face, rolls his eyes and pretty much goes silent. Also, when he has stress in his life he tends to take it out on me by being moody and tense. He won't say what the problem is for days on end sometimes which is very stressful for me.

 

Again, as I have said above – you need to be firm and point out that you want to talk. Sometimes, to be fair to the guy, it does look like we are not listening – when actually we are listening very intently – we just aren’t making eye contact of giving off the physical cues that people usually do when listening.

 

Again not discussing issues that have upset him – it is a bit difficult to explain, partly because it is a combination of factors. Firstly when we get sad or angry – whereas most people can exercise a certain control over those emotions and after a few minutes they can calm down and move on, it takes a while for us to do the same. We simply don’t have the inbuilt tools to do cope with those emotions easily and we tend to feel them in extremes rather than appropriately to the situation. Also I suppose there is a certain amount of Pride? I am not sure if that is the right word – but we are often VERY aware that our reactions to something aren’t normal and it feels a bit foolish sometimes that XYZ happened and two days later we still feel a bit upset about it. That kind of thing can be very difficult to talk about for us.

 

Give it time – your relationship is still very new and you still have a lot to learn about each other. Aspergers can be a pain in the backside and will be for both of you – but it does also bring a lot of beneficial traits too.

 

Good luck

[Tally]

Hello, and welcome to the forum.

 

I am an adult with Asperger's.

 

I was married for a while, but the marriage failed for a number of reasons not really connected to the Asperger's (and probably some connected with it too).

 

If your boyfriend's diagnosis is fairly recent, then he is likely to still be learning a lot about himself and his difficulties. A person with Asperger's can often be very unaware of how they come across to others. In a relationship it's important for both people to make compromises and meet in the middle, so it's reasonable to expect your boyfriend to try to adapt to your communication style as well as you trying to adapt to his. But it can be a longer process for the person with Asperger's because they have to learn how they are different before they are able to do anything about it.

 

Despite the specialist's assertion that he is very socially advanced, he does seem to be having a lot of problems with talking too much about his special interest and difficulty in relationships. He might have coped very well in a more formal setting like an appointment where the "social rules" are very clear and he knows what he is there to discuss, or possibly the specialist was very experienced at guiding the conversation in the appropriate direction. People with Asperger's can always learn new social skills, and it may well be right that his upbringing really helped him too.

 

1.When he says something very direct and seemingly hurtful to me, how is the best way to let him know I don't like what he's just said?

The best way is probably to be as direct yourself. It's difficult as it is something that does not come naturally to most people, but he can't learn better ways to communicate if he doesn't know he's actually getting something wrong. I appreciate it when someone tells me I have upset them as it gives me the opportunity to apologise and try to put it right, and also learn from it and try to do better next time. If someone doesn't tell me I can get very confused about why the person is upset.

 

2.How can I talk to him about our relationship and keep his attention on me,not his obsessions?

It's reasonable to want to talk about your own things too. Perhaps you can set aside time to talk about different topics. You could even pre-plan this in advance of actually meeting. If you are in contact via email, this can be a good way to outline what you want to talk about. People with Asperger's often have a lot of difficulty finding the words to talk about emotional topics, so telling him in advance might give him the opportunity to prepare his own thoughts.

 

3. Is it ok, when he's obsessing, to bring him out of the obsession and how can I change the subject in the gentlest way?

Yes. I like to know when people don't want to hear about genetic mutations in white tigers any more because I want to enthuse them about the topic, not bore them. Although you will need to accept that he wants to talk about his interest too. Setting aside time for talking about politics and then other things is something that might help with this. Then he is reassured that he can talk about politics, and you are reassured that you can talk about your interests too. With someone who does not take a subtle hint, there are not always gentle ways to do this. A pre-prepared time-limit can be helpful because all you need to say is that his time is up, rather than having to explain on the spot that you want to talk about something else. For social situations where other people are there, you could even develop a visual cue for him to change the subject. Over time he may well learn the read the signs that people are getting bored with what he is talking about.

 

4. From the second date he was telling me he loved me-is this normal with someone with Aspergers? How do I tell him I want to slow things down without hurting his feelings? Last time I brought the subject up he turned it into "YOU only want to see me[whatever number of times]" even after we'd decided to go back to the old number of times.

I don't think this is especially connected to Asperger's, but maybe it is connected with not really understanding when it isn't appropriate to say this yet. Maybe he thought it was something people say in relationships and didn't realise the significance of saying it too soon.

 

6. Communication problems!!At the moment, when I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rubs his face, rolls his eyes and pretty much goes silent. Also, when he has stress in his life he tends to take it out on me by being moody and tense. He won't say what the problem is for days on end sometimes which is very stressful for me.

I think this is a typical man thing, and also a typical Asperger's thing.

Recognising and verbalising emotions are both things that people with Asperger's normally struggle with. He may be genuinely unaware of things that are stressing him and it could well take a few days for him to work out that he is stressed and be able to tell you about it. Recognising and dealing with stress is something he could learn to do better. If you are aware of the early clues, it might help to share them with him. He still might not recognise the feelings, but if he can recognise the other clues then he might be able to accept earlier that he is feeling stressed and find ways to cope with it. You may also be able to learn to take his moods less personally if you can recognise that it is not something you have done.

As for talking about emotional topics, pre-preparing him may give him time to process his own feelings and work out what he wants to say. A lot of people communicate better in writing, so having these conversations in writing might actually work out very well.

[baddad]

Hi Js2301 -

 

sorry, but being perfectly frank this sounds like a non-starter to me -

You've met a new bloke and after two months you're feeling pressured (4) and uncomfortable, ignored (2/6), and intimidated/stressed out by his 'moods'. Whether he has AS or not, it doesn't sound like a match made in heaven, does it? Probably easier and fairer all round to admit that to yourself and him rather than prolong the agony for both of you.

AS isn't something you can change - even in someone as remarkably 'socially advanced' as your boyfriend's specialist seems to think he is (I'd be wary of that 'co-mrbid' if I was you, and the specialist offering it) - and if you're this unhappy this early on you really haven't got a hope in hell of anything surviving after the six month adrenalin/endorphin/chemical rush runs its course, and it's not going to do his self-esteem any good when you blame him and his dx for that.

Sorry if that sounds blunt, but if you look at it in real terms does this sound like a relationship that can 'work'? The fact that he has a dx of AS is irrelevant, and if you are 'trying to make it work' because he has AS that's pretty patronising. If you do decide to keep pressing on then Tally's post offers some very useful stuff. Take particular note of her final point though and 'typical male' behaviour - because I'm sure a big part of your emotional incompatability stems from that rather than AS and is just being mislabelled because you've been given a handy label. I'd also take note of the closing lines of anewmans post and:

 

Look at the relationship on its merits and think whether you would be happy in three years time with little change.

 

because ultimately that's the key question.

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[js2301]

Thank you so much for all the replies really helpful!

 

baddad: I'm not a quitter by nature, and as this is my first relationship I'm still learning and finding out what works and what doesn't. After thinking about this for the last couple of days I've realised that I don't want this to end just yet. Of course I'm not just continuing it because of the Aspergers-he's perfectly capable of living without me and vice versa, I can just see that his behaviour can sometimes be detrimental to our relationship and wanted some advice . I'm sure my behaviour can be pretty upsetting to him too sometimes. All the same, I will call it a day if I follow the advice and I'm still getting nowhere.

 

Reading back, of course, it's also possible that he's a spoilt,overprotected nanny's boy (he still lives with his grandmother who treats him like a child) and the AS has little to do with the fact I'm feeling quite down at the moment. We shall see!

[baddad]

Thank you so much for all the replies really helpful!

 

baddad: I'm not a quitter by nature, and as this is my first relationship I'm still learning and finding out what works and what doesn't. After thinking about this for the last couple of days I've realised that I don't want this to end just yet. Of course I'm not just continuing it because of the Aspergers-he's perfectly capable of living without me and vice versa, I can just see that his behaviour can sometimes be detrimental to our relationship and wanted some advice . I'm sure my behaviour can be pretty upsetting to him too sometimes. All the same, I will call it a day if I follow the advice and I'm still getting nowhere.

 

Reading back, of course, it's also possible that he's a spoilt,overprotected nanny's boy (he still lives with his grandmother who treats him like a child) and the AS has little to do with the fact I'm feeling quite down at the moment. We shall see!

 

Hi again -

Sorry, I had no idea this was your first relationship. Not that it makes a huge difference regarding the advice I offered, but it would probably have made a difference to how I presented it.

Many of the issues you are describing are the kind of issues that arise in many relationships - there are a million self-help books out there covering the different expectations man and women have in relationships (and, yes, that is 'genderist', but most of the books are based on the usual gender stereotypes)and the unhappiness that can arise as a consequence of those - natural - differences. That's even harder 'first time round' because couples have no basis/experience for comparative analysis. They're also more likely to be more rigid in their expectations, and to feel more confused/angry/upset when they're not met. There's also every liklihood that they live (or have lived)in situations where they've had to make very little effort - as the one you feel applies for your boyfriend with his gran - and got pretty used to having things their own way, or at least of being free to walk away or c0ck a deaf 'un when they're not going their own way. Some/any/all of those things could apply to your situation, and, sorry (and with the best will in the world), that could apply equally well to you as much as it does him.

I would, in all honesty, forget all about his AS - just pretend the recent dx has never arisen (how did it arise, btw - if you are going to consider his dx at this stage then you need to consider the hows/whens/wheres/whys etc that prompted him seeking it or a specialist making it) and work out whether you like HIM. If you do (and don't jump to the conclusion that you must do otherwise you wouldn't be with him - and sorry this will sound patronising but it is also true - because two months really isn't any sort of timescale for anything in real terms), then the aspects of his nature that are problematic for you are things you need to discuss/work on (and vice versa). But if you're losing more on the swings than you gain on the roundabouts or if there is no real liklihood of change then you need to find a new playground, or someone (AS or otherwise) with whom you're more compatible.

 

Not completely relevant to your post, but a noteworthy comment on the side... There's a new 'reality tv' (*gak*) thing just started called 'Tool of the year' or something, where girls trick their 'useless, feckless, abusive, boring, selfish, stupid,arrogant, what-e-ver' boyfriends into a competition to find which one of them is the most 'useless, feckless, abusive, boring, selfish, stupid,arrogant, what-e-ver'... This highlights two things:

 

Girls and boys find it very hard to play nicely together and very confusing when they try, and that has nothing to do with autism.

People hang on to 'useless, feckless, abusive, boring, selfish, stupid,arrogant, what-e-ver' partners rather than doing the sensible thing and looking for partners who are not 'useless, feckless, abusive, boring, selfish, stupid,arrogant, what-e-ver', and that has nothing to do with autism either.

 

Hope that's helpful, and while i fully appreciate that i may be sounding like a miserable old cynic I really do wish you and your boyfriend every happiness.

 

L&P

 

BD

[oxgirl]

My best advice to you would be to stay with your boyfriend for as long as it is fun and makes you happy. It sounds as if you are trying a bit too hard to accomodate him or 'fix' him. It shouldn't be this much hard work at this stage. If you're having fun together, enjoying each others' company, making each other happy that's great. It's your first relationship and you haven't made a lifelong commitment to each other, it's not like you've been together for ten years and need to 'work on your issues', it should be fun not a chore. If it isn't fun, maybe you're not right for each other.

 

~ Mel ~

[js2301]

Thank you-that put a lot of things into perspective for me. I think I do like him for him, but you're right, only time will tell.

 

It's pretty much his first proper relationship too-he was with someone for quite a while but she was awful to him by all accounts-walked all over him and made him feel pretty rubbish. So he's quite new to it as well. All in all, I'm not really surprised we've had a few problems!

 

Another issue that's literally just come up today is that he's not told his friends about his Asperger's, so they think I'm taking up all of his time, whereas in fact he's sitting in his room pursuing his interests and just being quiet. So they've started to be hostile towards "the evil girlfriend" when I have no idea what's going on and why he's seeing them less on week nights. MORE STRESS!! haha. So now I'm trying to make this better by speaking to the bitchiest one of the lot. I wouldn't dream of telling them about his diagnosis without his permission so it's quite frustrating. Sigh

Edited January 13, 2011 by js2301

[js2301]

thanks mel-thing is I really want to work on this. He makes me feel so good about myself, and even thinking about ending it tears me up.

[bid]

Welcome to the forum

 

I'm an adult with AS. I've been with my husband for nearly 20 years, and married for 17. He's 'NT' for want of a better phrase!

 

I think Anewman, Oxgirl and BD have made some really, really good points.

 

To be completely honest with you, normally after only 2 months couples are still in that absolutely besotted phase where they annoy everyone else by being so loved up, can't think about anything else, spend every waking moment in bed, etc, etc. Really at this stage the other person seems perfect. If you are having such serious concerns now I think you do need to step back and think very carefully, nothing at all to do with being a 'quitter', just very sensible.

 

I would say that in a way his AS is largely irrelevant. What makes any relationship work is what each person is happy to accept about the other. Of course there is 'compromise', but not to that degree.

 

Obsessions: despite being the one with AS, I can perhaps answer this one from your perspective. My husband's hobby is table-top role-playing war games. He has played once a week, with the same mates, for the last 25 years..this is absolutely sacrosanct, once he even played while I was upstairs recovering from a threatened miscarriage, pausing to let the GP in, then resumimg the game!! He spends a great deal of his time preparing for the games, writing scenarios, collecting books, painting figures. Now, this would drive some women absolutely up the wall (and I admit I wasn't impressed by the miscarriage episode), but actually it really doesn't bother me at all, unlike some of the other wives in his wargamers group. Now, this may well be because I have AS, but either way, the important thing is I accept this part of his personality. If, however, he was sports mad and played rugby every weekend in the winter and cricket every weekend in the summer like one man I knew it wouldn't work for me at all, unlike his wife who really didn't mind.

 

What i'm trying to illustrate is that if your relationship is going to work it can't be based upon you 'accomodating' some things, or him having to 'modify' some things. There's that old joke about women isn't there: they find the man of their dreams, then spend their married lives trying to change him into the man of their dreams...

 

One last point: a first boyfriend/girlfriend relationship should be about fun, not hard work.

 

Bid

Edited January 13, 2011 by bid

[js2301]

Thanks Bid we are like that-the chemistry is amazing do have fun when we're together. There's something I haven't really been mentioning on account of it being a bit personal, but I'm anonymous here so I'll outline the problem. Basically, without going into too much detail he's scared to the point of being nearly phobic about babies and pregnancy. It's because ever since he was 14 his nan (who had his dad at 17) has been telling him that if he "does it", he'll end up in a council house with no money and no life.

 

I'm sorry if that's a bit too much information, but I don't think this is very normal. He thinks if I seek alternative forms of contraception he'll be ok, but his main worry is "if we can never achieve what other couples do, i won't want to be with him". Sadly, I don't think it will last...I know everything I've said here screams "incompatible" but there's just something about him which makes me not want to let go.

 

I think I'm going to try and slow it down a bit-maybe actually go on some dates with him and get to know him properly. One thing that someone said about him feeling like I've rejected him seems very likely, so maybe some reassurance that I still want to see him will help.

Edited January 13, 2011 by js2301

[bid]

Thanks Bid we are like that-the chemistry is amazing do have fun when we're together. There's something I haven't really been mentioning on account of it being a bit personal, but I'm anonymous here so I'll outline the problem. Basically, without going into too much detail he's scared to the point of being nearly phobic about babies and pregnancy. It's because ever since he was 14 his nan (who had his dad at 17) has been telling him that if he "does it", he'll end up in a council house with no money and no life.

 

I'm sorry if that's a bit too much information, but I don't think this is very normal. He thinks if I seek alternative forms of contraception he'll be ok, but his main worry is "if we can never achieve what other couples do, i won't want to be with him". Sadly, I don't think it will last...I know everything I've said here screams "incompatible" but there's just something about him which makes me not want to let go.

 

I think I'm going to try and slow it down a bit-maybe actually go on some dates with him and get to know him properly. One thing that someone said about him feeling like I've rejected him seems very likely, so maybe some reassurance that I still want to see him will help.

 

It does sound a very complex situation <'>

 

I think it's one thing for established couples to work very hard at solving any problems that have arisen, especially if they have children...but quite another to start out with some extremely complex issues, especially if this is your first relationship.

 

You may find that, sad though it may be right now, it might be that you may be better off as friends than as a couple...not because there is anything 'wrong' with either of you, just that there are people you have yet to meet who will be a better fit for both of you.

 

Good luck <'>

 

Bid

Edited January 13, 2011 by bid

[js2301]

mmm you may be right-I definitely see your point. I think I'll try to organise some actual things we both like doing-going places instead of sitting in a room all day, and if that doesn't work then probably think about calling it a day I know I'm stalling, but I really,really don't want this to end

[js2301]

well, I'm happy to say I lightened up a bit, stopped worrying and he responded brilliantly. We're still together and hopefully will be for a good long time thanks to everyone on here-it was more my problem than his in the end!

[bid]

well, I'm happy to say I lightened up a bit, stopped worrying and he responded brilliantly. We're still together and hopefully will be for a good long time thanks to everyone on here-it was more my problem than his in the end!

Well that's good news!

 

Bid

[AdamJ]

This is all very new to me, so apologies if I seem ignorant- I'm still learning!

 

My boyfriend has recently been diagnosed with Aspergers and I'm struggling to cope with it at the moment. We've been together for about two months, and the more I get to know him, the more I notice his fairly non-typical behaviours (compared to someone without AS obviously). For example, he's really bad at eye contact, he has a set of things he does with his hands when he's excited or upset (which he is fully aware of) and he often can't completely understand how I'm feeling, although he is a very sensitive person and tried his best. He's also obsessed with politics and could talk about it for hours, sometimes without realising that I want to talk about something else. The specialist that saw him said he was an interesting case because he was the most socially advanced person with AS he had ever seen. My boyfriend thinks it's because he was expected to socialise from a very early age and had been brought up very strictly.

 

I do like him a lot, but I'm worried that if I don't develop some skills to understand and communicate with him this relationship will end very soon. We live 40 minutes away from each other and he works full time (I'm a student)making it even more complicated.

 

So, here's what I'd really like to know

 

1.When he says something very direct and seemingly hurtful to me, how is the best way to let him know I don't like what he's just said?

2.How can I talk to him about our relationship and keep his attention on me,not his obsessions?

3. Is it ok, when he's obsessing, to bring him out of the obsession and how can I change the subject in the gentlest way?

4. From the second date he was telling me he loved me-is this normal with someone with Aspergers? How do I tell him I want to slow things down without hurting his feelings? Last time I brought the subject up he turned it into "YOU only want to see me[whatever number of times]" even after we'd decided to go back to the old number of times.

6. Communication problems!!At the moment, when I bring up something that I want to talk about, he rubs his face, rolls his eyes and pretty much goes silent. Also, when he has stress in his life he tends to take it out on me by being moody and tense. He won't say what the problem is for days on end sometimes which is very stressful for me.

 

I'd like to know from people who have been in this situation, or from people who recognise that they do some of this themselves and how they are feeling.I have a (much decreased, but still there) anxiety problem so I just take it all personally and get very upset. I don't want this to ruin our relationship, that's why I posted on here to try and understand more. Sorry if this is a bit disjointed and rambling-I'm quite emotional at the moment thinking about how much I want this to carry on and how big the odds are against it

 

Your post resonated with me because I have more or less the same traits as your boyfriend. I was married for seven years until my wife divorced me in 2004, citing a list of faults with me that were all related to AS (though neither of us knew I was AS at the time). Since then, I've had two brief relationships but both ended for similar reasons. Now, I'm so fearful of rejection that I'm no longer willing to get involved with anyone seeking a long term relationship. I may be lacking in empathy but I've learned not to want to inflict myself on anyone.

 

That said, if hypothetically I were ever to get involved again, I would want to find someone who shares my enthusiasm in at least one of my aspie obsessions (photography and motorbikes - I guess photography would be more likely). At least then, I might feel that the other person was interested in what I like talking about.

 

I hope the hand movements don't put you off him. Regarding the eye contact, I also struggle with it. I've learned over the years to do it but against my will even now. I have to remember to do it and it still unnerves me. It's difficult to describe but when someone makes eye contact with me, I feel like my mind is being invaded.

 

Concerning your questions, here are my answers as they would relate to me:

1. Just tell him, in a calm way, that you didn't like what he said and calmly explain why.

2. I struggle to understand the emotions involved in a relationship, even my own let alone the other person's. At least try to pick your moment when he's not wrapped up in his obsessions.

3. Trying to drag him away from his obsession is a process of trial and error. Try one tactic and if that doesn't work, try another.

4. Many aspies don't fully understand the social protocols involved between discovering you're attracted to each other and progressing to a full-blown relationship. Even to me, the processes between these two points serve no logical purpose though I at least understand they have to be followed.

6. There's no harm asking him what the problem is if he's tense and quiet but it's possible that he himself might not know what the problem is.

 

Best wishes,

 

Adam

Edited January 21, 2011 by AdamJ