11th Birthday - What a day

[vannie]

Sorry but very upset.

 

I had forgotten how bad some days could be. It started last week ds received free oyster card in the post, he obviously thought it meant he is now capable of getting the bus home alone because he received the bus pass. I explained it was to be used when he travelled with me, he wasn't having none of it. We had tantrums for 2 days with him saying all the other children in his year (year 6) go home from school alone.

 

I tried to explain the reason I didn't want him travelling home alone, anyway went to meet him from school on Wednesday nowhere to be seen, he had managed to slip past me at the gate, and was happily standing at the bus stop waiting for the bus. I made an agreement that he could walk to the bus stop alone from school where I would meet him and we could get the bus together.

 

That said it was his 11th birthday today, what a day. I was only just telling everyone how much he had improved in the last 6 months, as if he was learning to cope and leading a pretty normal life, me and my big mouth.

 

Today he didn't want any of the presents we had bought him, I had a phone call to say he was very upset at school and was crying but they didn't know what the problem was.

 

Anyway he had managed to board the bus all alone, frantic I managed to meet him at the stop he gets off at(friends car) before the bus arrived, I have no authority over him, it's as if everything I say he does not hear.

 

I had arranged for family to come round for an hour but told them only if he agreed to it that afternoon, when asked he said it was fine. When they arrived all hell broke lose, he finally locked himself in his room crying saying it was the worst birthday ever, everyone left (very understanding).

 

Once everyone left he told me, husband and daughter we had ruined it, and called my husband the 'C' word, and started getting physical. It seemed that he couldn't see through the blue mist, he was very physical when he was a bit younger, but I haven't seen him like this for a long time. He then said that he wanted everyone to come back, I explained that they had all gone home for their tea he finally just sat and sobbed and said he had expected more presents then we had bought him. Is this a spoilt child or is this part of what we should expect.

 

I know that birthday and xmas very emotional for him but never has he acted like a spoilt brat.

 

Now I am worrying he is getting a big lad and that if my husband isn't here how would i deal with him. The brut strength of him tonight, he very nearly overpowered my husband

[justine1]

Hi

 

Two things really come across for me,one is that of independence.Its clear to me he wants to use the bus and personal I think if he has shown he can do it then why not? My 7 yr old knows directions and bus stops etc,in fact he knows short cuts that I dont know and we only been here for 8 weeks,obviously I would not let my 7 yr old walk alone but maybe at 10 or 11 I would.His NT brother started walking alone from age 9,just wouldnt seem fair if I could see he is capable and didnt treat him the same.(IMO)

Maybe you can meet the bus drivers on the route and introduce your son to them,tell them he gets of at the same stop every day and they can remind him if he forgets.You can also be waiting for him on the other end so he will see you as he approaches the stop.

 

The other problem is if he is going to be acting out he should be having consequences,even though it was his birthday doesnt mean to say he can behave in that way.If it were any of my boys theey would have had their presents removed after being rude to guests.Yes they would act out,shouting slamming doors etc but they would know I mean buisness.My children dont get lots of presents and I have explained why,maybe that is wrong but I think being honest about what I can and cant afford makes them appreciate things a little more than their peers.Its simple really they get what they given or they get nothing! I have removed toys (gifts) for weeks on end in the past.Also not sure about the arrangements made with your visitors,when was he told they were coming and for how long.This may have made a difference.If you had planned his birthday with him in advance and drawn up a timetable of events for the day,that way if he wanted to do something at a certain time he could.For example Sam is used to opening one present in the morning of his birthday and being woken up with balloons on his bed,he likes to have his cake after lunchtime (his birthday is in summer) these are things that have remained consistent since he was 2 and he reminds me if we missed something.I did alter plans one year and he was not happy though he didnt lash out and he was so exhausted at the end of it he didnt seem that bothered.

[munty13]

Hi vannie. Sorry to hear the birthday didn't work out. After reading your post, there are a few things which come to mind. I wonder, where did your boy pick up the "c" word? Is it possible he is using the word after someone has used it on him (at school or whatever)?

 

From my own personal experience, this anger does not just land out of nowhere. Most certainly in my case it was born of intense frustration with the outside world, worsened by the inability to express that frustration with words. The only lease for that anger was violence (followed by waves of remorse) You've probably heard all this sort of stuff before, but I think it's worth bearing in mind. Rather than trying to dissect his behaviour, I think it might pay to focus on where the frustration might come from. For all you know, he might have had a tough day at school (maybe someone's giving him grief for "sitting on the bus with his mommy") Certainly, if he is crying at school, I would be extremely suspicious. He might be angry with you for failing to interpret his pain.

 

It's frustrating for any parent if the child is unable to express why they are angry, or upset. I should imagine this frustration reaches new heights for those parents of kids with Aspergers.

 

Don't know if this helps. I most certainly hope it does.

[sesley]

mine is 11 too. I have been encouraging him to be a bit more independant and letting go of the tight leash he is on,by letting him choose his own route home and meeting him at a certain point.I have also asked the schoo,l to let him go to the school gates alone where i meet him.the next stage is to let him walk alone another stage,little steps at a time. Is there a way that you can compramise by him going on the bus alone.you sit somewhere else,and watch him get off and the right stop and how he behaves himself,then if all goes well,how about you meet him at the bus destination stop.will he use a mobile phone,so that you have contact if needed? its quite normal for them to want some independence and if you can find away that suits everyone let go a little at a time and give him the confidence and you,to be able to function on his own on controlled exercises.

[vannie]

Thank you everyone for your replies.

 

I will definately be taking your advice and you have made me see this from another point of view.

 

I have discussed your points with my husband and he says this is the way forward, small steps and not to embarass our son.

 

So thank you for making me see a way through this, and my son has agreed as well.

 

Regards

 

Much Happier

[flappyfish]

My 11 year old ASD can act very brattish too and it's hard to be understanding and look for the underlying cause, empathise and yet not accept the unacceptable, so you have my sympathies. My older Aspergers lad did master getting the bus. We did it in small steps. Both on the bus > Both on the bus but him boarding before me and sitting at the back while he sat at the front > Him getting the bus and then going to a shop nearby and waiting until I came on the next bus > him getting the bus alone and phoning me to say he'd arrived etc. etc. Maybe if you explain that you need to be sure he's safe but you want him to be able to master the bus, your son will agree to do steps too?

[jordansmum33ok]

Hi Vannie,

My son is 13 and he has started to use public transport now, it was very worrying at first as I was thinking he may get angry scared.. get off at wrong place

but he is so spot on with instructions etc that he does not get it wrong.

 

As with birthdays and christmas and any social gathering we have as a big family just accepted that he may put in a guest appearence or he may not

I dont pressure him anymore and most go ok now.

Last weekend I had 7 family members all turn up at same time.. my son was bang in middle of the room on his computer/ head phones on

but he didnt get stressed now few yrs ago he would have got very hyper.. very demanding.. and bashed something then burst into tears

It just takes time and patience.

 

My son is a very big lad and once he pushed me over i explained that i could have cracked my hip etc.. if he gets mad now he will go punch wall in kitchen

which is a solid wall.. he is allowed to only punch that one though.