pola y dobie Report post Posted January 24, 2011 Hopping all over the place trying to find information and resources to help an NT friend of mine with her AS partner. So what better place to come to for advice and information. My NT friends situation is such : she is in a permanent relationship with her AS partner. However, he has stated that he has visited various 'adult-based' websites, and as such has had encounters. Of course, this has had a devastating effect on her relationship ( numerous calls to me for help and support). With support, she has allowed her AS partner back into the family home ( two children in relationship). But she is concerned with the issues of re-allowing trust. She has banned her AS partner from the internet, but had found messages on the mobile phone. I have forwarded her the loan of my resources on AS/NT relationships, but she still has a concern that it will happen again? Commitment between any partner is difficult. You only have to read the papers, to find cheating and infidelity!! The upset, despair, paranoia that infidelity can cause in any relationship can prove difficult. I know some RELATE counsellors are trained in dealing with AS/NT relationships. The research into this crisis in a relationship is very limited!! I meet my friend this week to help her through this turmoil. Any advice or suggestions would be kindly welcomed. Thank you my on line friends and I look forward to hearing from you..... POLA xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted January 24, 2011 Really, he needs to decide whether he can commit to his partner the way she wants, and she needs to decide whether she believes him. He's been a grade A idiot and this is not something he can blame on the Asperger's. I don't really see where the AS comes in to this situation. Most people with AS have difficulty forming one relationship, let alone two. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pola y dobie Report post Posted January 26, 2011 <'> Thank you kindly for the reply. I have been doing some research on relationships with NT and AS. especially in tryng to help our friend. Even trying to read some psychological theories behind it. Reading into AS ( I put both hands up being a novice NT that I am merely trying to find answers), is that my friend's partner shows lack of 'theory of mind' in that he is unable to view is partner's perspective and is unable 'imagine' being in their shoes. To him, he has difficulty into realising how she feels, ( the anger, betrayal, trust etc). My friend has sat down with her partner and clearly and simply stated how she feels, knowing he has been with others and how this has affected their relationship, love etc.. But it appears that he is finding it extremely difficult to comprehend!!! Also looking at it psychologically ( my nursing experience) there is also difficulty with ' weak central coherence', meaning that he can't see the bigger picture, he maybe getting the gist of how his behaviour has affected the relationship, BUT is unable to fully grasp the 'complete impact' or 'fuller implications' this could have!! After speaking with my friend, she has tried to examine all avenues as to WHY it happened, re-examining herself into was she to blame, could she have prevented it, etc....But as much as she tries to look for reasons, she has admitted that there is none!! She completely loves him and still does. Although her search for an explanation or answer from him, will never come. She has decided to continue in the relationship. Her partner, it appears just continues to get on with normal day to day life, although he has stated that it will never happen again. My friend ( she is one strong woman), has decided to continue with him, and has made plans to move out her home ( the place she loved and cherished), and move somewhere else with him. With my limited background, ( although I have had previous NT partners personally cheat on me!!), I just wonder that surely the urge to stray is easily applicable to both AS and NT partners. I welcome any comments on this and look forward to hearing from anyone's experiences. Thanks again for reading my genuine posts. POLA xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
anewman Report post Posted February 11, 2011 (edited) I think naturally men are more prone to wanting to "spread their seed" and women are more prone to wanting one person to commit. In terms of Human evolution, research has suggested the male genitalia developed its characteristic shape in order to scoop out other male's fluids during coitus. I.e. increasing the probability of alternate seed (the one from a different shaped deliverer) reaching the target has survival value and becomes an inherent characteristic. You might think it weird I mention that but I do because it points to historical behavioural characteristics of the species (men spreading their seed with various women and women having various men) becoming a physical one through evolution that you can see with your eyes. I think most women find the concept that men are different in this way difficult to comprehend or accept. I don't think banning from the internet is a good idea or will stop anything. Either he continues to do what he has started and risks losing her, or he stops. I am sure he understands the potential consequences, but perhaps he thought he could do it and not get caught? If she can't put any trust or faith in him and is continually checking up on him, looking at his phone and banning him from the internet like he's a little kid, I feel the relationship will collapse fairly quickly. Dare I say I think he may feel there is something lacking that he has been seeking from those he has met. If he found what he was after and he can't get it from his current partner I suspect he will continue to go elsewhere. Perhaps it could be that his current partner is his first and only one and he wants to test the waters to see how green the grass is on the other side. To me sex is sex, a relationship is a relationship, and love is love and they don't all mish mash to make one thing. But I am smart enough to know that if my partner does not want me to do anything with other ladies, then doing something with other ladies will probably destroy my relationship with my partner and I have to make the choice which option I value most. Some women out there are into the multiple sexual partners thing, but I suspect relative to men very very few are. Sorry if anything I say comes across as thoughtless or nasty, it isn't intended to be. I am just trying to explain things how I see and interpret them. And I figure seeing as you're not directly involved in the issue if you think I might have something in what I say you might be able to put a different twist on it to get it across better. Edited February 11, 2011 by anewman Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillR73 Report post Posted February 11, 2011 Rules are rules - I don't even need to be Asperger to believe in that commandment. Rules for most relationships is monogamy - keep it zipped until you get home. And if some guy think's being an Asperger is an excuse to not follow rules, I'd wonder if he was mis-diagnosed. A prat is a prat no matter what colour you paint him - you don't need research and shrinks to realise she ain't picked a winner Sidenote to anewman - check research on 'barrier sperm'. If women were supposed to be monogamous why has evolution given men so many ways to fight off the competition? Get the feeling we were the ones left back in the cave washing our hair? lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
anewman Report post Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) Sidenote to anewman - check research on 'barrier sperm'. Interesting. I guess it can also be argued many of the features humans have evolved are not required in today's world. For example we still have an appendix but we no longer eat leaves. But I do think some of our behaviour is ingrained in our DNA and inherited from our ancestors. I am sure most young males experience intense feelings starting in adolescence which are part of that. While we might desire something we have to obey a range of social nuances. In the caves we might have seen someone we thought was "fit" and just had our way with them, and while we might have the same urges in the present day (something people use today to make money, "sex sells"), do the same as we did back in the caves and you'll go to jail (rightly so). I wonder if Asperger's is something that has evolved through evolution and natural selection once we began to develop language and social skills. What I am getting at is that very NT people are more likely to get along with and subsequently mate with people who are also very NT. (NT's tend to shun Aspies which is much of the problem of being an Aspie). Aspies are more likely to mate with Aspies or NT's not "NT enough" to get a very NT partner. I know it's not as black and white as that but you see what I'm getting at. In this manner I think perhaps the population is dividing into two sub-groups with NT's becoming more NT and Aspies becoming more Aspie. One thing's for certain is the internet can break down social barriers quite quickly. I regret to say that once I had begun to get over my first long-term GF dumping me I found it was quite easy to find girls interested in just a bit of action on the internet, which would just never have happened had I met them face-to-face due to my difficulties there. The majority aren't interested in that sort of thing though and a lack of subtlety gets you added to many block lists, lol + just over 50% who say they are interested never turn up to meet you. I'm not really sure why I went that route at that time. I guess I maybe wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. Possibly to try take my mind off my ex. I know I felt rather confused at the time and wondered if I could ever keep a long-term partner, so perhaps that was part of it too. Edited February 12, 2011 by anewman Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Tally Report post Posted February 12, 2011 I wonder if Asperger's is something that has evolved through evolution and natural selection once we began to develop language and social skills. What I am getting at is that very NT people are more likely to get along with and subsequently mate with people who are also very NT. (NT's tend to shun Aspies which is much of the problem of being an Aspie). Aspies are more likely to mate with Aspies or NT's not "NT enough" to get a very NT partner. I know it's not as black and white as that but you see what I'm getting at. In this manner I think perhaps the population is dividing into two sub-groups with NT's becoming more NT and Aspies becoming more Aspie. 2 NTs can produce an autistic child and 2 autistic parents can produce an NT child. Also an autistic partner can pair with an NT partner and produce children. Speciation occurs only when 2 groups become reproductively isolated from each other, which is not the case with autistic and NT people, who are able to produce children with each other. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
RainbowsButterflies Report post Posted February 12, 2011 (edited) 2 NTs can produce an autistic child and 2 autistic parents can produce an NT child. Also an autistic partner can pair with an NT partner and produce children. Speciation occurs only when 2 groups become reproductively isolated from each other, which is not the case with autistic and NT people, who are able to produce children with each other. I definitely agree. In my parents case - AS mum plus NT dad made NT son, AS daughter and ADHD son. We shall have to see how my monsters turn out... Edited February 12, 2011 by RainbowsButterflies Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
WillR73 Report post Posted February 13, 2011 One of those topics that's going to wander all over the place? To go back to the original topic, I am an Asperger and I have had many relationships with women. Not one of those women was an Asperger. And I never so much as winked as another woman while I was them. And I say being Asperger was part of my loyalty -there are rules and I'm hard-wired to follow rules. So I can't accept "my condition made me act like a prat", or "I only acted like a prat because she isn't like me and doesn't understand me". But there's one thing I may have misunderstood. Has he had encounters off these websites since he met her, or is this history? Is she worried because he's cheated before or just his online behaviour? To anewman and the subject of female monogamy. Your graphic image of the whole 'scooping out' thing, plus the existence of barrier sperm, suggests a female pre-disposition to monogamy is more male optimism than scientific fact As for autism and genetics, that wouldn't just fill a new topic - that would fill a new website. And it won't help the original poster, who just wanted to know if an Asperger has problems keeping zipped...lol Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
