Lonely

[Barney]

Hi, just wondering if any one can suggest anything to help with my sons loneliness? He is 18 but does his best to talk to people but because he has AS people tend to shy away from him. I really feel for him as I see him try his best only to be rejected time after time. It has got to the point of him trying to "buy" friendship by giving some of his stuff away.

He seems to spend most of his time on playing games that are suited to much younger children on the computer for weeks on end ( 6 hours everyday! ) trying to make up for his lack of interaction with people.

 

This has made him very easy to take advantage of

[oxgirl]

Hi,

Yes, I have the same with my lad, he's 17. He doesn't have any friends, never has, and now seems to have given up on even trying, not that he ever did really try. He finds it very difficult to talk to other young people and tends to just stand there silently and gets overlooked. He just doesn't know how to approach people and will sit back and wait for them to come to him, which, of course they don't. He has a lot to offer as a friend but he can't step over that first hurdle of actually talking to people and so it never progresses. He's recently acquired three 'friends' on Facebook, kids from the ASD college he goes to. That is really good progress for him, I think they requested him as friends, he didn't take the first step, but at least it's a start. I'm trying to encourage him to look down the lists of their 'friends' and request those he recognises but he doesn't even have the confidence to do that.

 

~ Mel ~

[Tally]

A social group for people with AS/ASD/general disabilities might be a good place for him to meet people similar to himself.

 

Alternatively, a group or a class based around one of his interests may be a good place to meet people where he would share a common interest. Depending on his social abilities, it might even help for you to attend with him to help with facilitating conversations. It might not be necessary permanently.

[trekster]

A social group for people with AS/ASD/general disabilities might be a good place for him to meet people similar to himself.

 

Alternatively, a group or a class based around one of his interests may be a good place to meet people where he would share a common interest. Depending on his social abilities, it might even help for you to attend with him to help with facilitating conversations. It might not be necessary permanently.

 

i agree with tally as i have formed long lasting friendships at my ASD groups.

[Barney]

Thanks for the replies, I will let you know how things work out.

[Sally44]

My son is younger. He will be 10 in a couple of days. It is difficult to get our children involved because there is often a wide gap in skills between them and their age related peers regardless of their actual ability.

As already mentioned, any ASD adult groups are worth finding out about.

If your city has any centres that offer short supported courses in a variety of topics (ie. photography, etc), these venues are usually better at supporting people with special needs, so it might be worth having a look into them.

I am in the process of getting a social services assessment for my son (and myself as carer). I would like him to have direct payments so that I can pay someone to accompany him to Clubs etc that he wants to attend. I know this isn't the same as 'friends' as these are people employed to support - but if it helps your child/adult to achieve some independence and do things they want to do, then it can only be a good thing.

 

Have you been in touch with the centre for independent living to get some advice from them? They may have some advice on ways he could get supported help to do stuff, which may improve on some of his skills.

[cathyz]

My son is 11, his dx is ADHD and he is on meds, but he is such a lonely boy, he struggled through primary school and when the name calling bullying & isolation became to much he trid to hang himself at school, and he now has to live with that and he is known for it and talked about. The school at the time tried to play it down but ultimatelty when its been brought up they can't deny it and it follows my son around.

 

He had a fantastic transition process into secondary Ed, but its all fell down now and hes making up imagenry friends and hearing voices we're keeping him out of school and tommorrow he sees the GP who I hope will refer him to CAMHS again and get the ED Pysch involved. I am finding all of this so hard to cope with

[Barney]

Cathyz Hang in there! things do get better as our precious aspies get older. At the age of 10 my son had a few probs like panic attacks that left him uncontious and having flapping attacks. He heard voices too in his head, but the thing was we learnt that when things got tough for him the best thing was to respect his space and gave him time to chill out. When he had a fizzy thing as we called it, we just said it was ok and let him talk about how he felt afterwards. Things have calmed down alot since he has got older. Just wish he would interact more!

[Barney]

Sally44

Thanks for the suggestions, will give them a try

[dm2010]

Look at this from an Aspie child point of view. I was one once !

 

You have no friends at school, and your parents are worried. School says you need to socialise more. Bad mistake, it's like asking someone to grow a third leg - simply not going to happen. To solve this problem I believe that Aspies should pursue individual sports, which they will likely have success at. Team sports are a device designed to make Aspies feel bad.

 

I made a choice at age 14 to become a swimmer. Rather late as swimmers go, but I did persevere with it and got pretty good, by age 17 I was winning regularly and got full colours for sports at school, much to the headmaster's surprise. Not that the school was any help, since I didn't play cricket or rugby I didn't exist on their radar. Was it a panacea ? No - but it made things bearable rather than not. Didn't make friends as such, but generated a lot of respect. And I have always preferred respect to friendship in my professional life since.

Edited February 4, 2011 by dm2010

[Tally]

I do agree that pursuing interests you can do alone can be good for many people with AS if they enjoy spending time alone. Sport could be a very good alternative to spending so much time on the computer. However, it does sound as though Barney's son is lonely and wants to spend some time with other people as well.

[Barney]

Thanks again! Guys! I must admit that sometimes I think it must be

Me doing all the worrying here, but let me say that it does hurt to see my son being taken Advantage of and to see him night after night stuck alone in his room. He has no interest in anything much let alone sport. His idea of entertainment is spinning some bay blade tops on a wooden tray! For hours on end! He does go on the Internet but no one ever talks back to him, or just makes fun of him. I can see he's getting a bit depressed by it all.

Hence my posts on here.

[dm2010]

The trick is to find a productive activity to pursue independently to a high level - it can be anything as long as achievement, not people are the main focus. Achieve excellence in something - anything - and good things will happen socially because people respect you for your achievement, especially others doing the same activity.

 

To take a historical example, medieval craft guilds required a journeyman to produce a 'masterpiece' for examination by guild representatives to determine whether or not he could call himself a master craftsman. Note it was the crafted piece and not the person who was judged. The idea of 'teamwork' and 'people skills' being of overriding importance is a modern fad.

 

I chose the modern version of the master craftsman route. Few like me - and frankly I no longer care - but I do have professional respect in the activities I pursue. Very occasionally, that respect has turned into very productive friendships that have lasted decades.