So at the end of my tether

[Annea]

I havent been on for a while, but please let me rant.

 

My eldest daughtewr with AS is doing so well now, in an A/S college doing 4 a levels but my youngest daughter with ASD who is now 13 is almost uncontrollable. Everyday she goes into terrible rages calling me an F'ing cow, telling me to drop dead. She is aggressive and spends half her life angry, the other half upset.

 

Before Christmas she almost electrocuted herself when she pulled her main bedroom light down and i contacted social services. On top of all this I have a chronic incurable illness and suffer constant pain and fatigue. Soicial services were uselss, i have three different teams coming in to assess, a child dissabiltiy one, one for me as I am ill and one for my other twpo children who are also carers, none of them talked to each other, it was a waste of time, they ended up offering me an asd supporter who came in and told me everything i was doing was wrong. She then went on to say she didnt have to live with it so it was easy for her to say. the carers team offered my two 1 hour a month at a community centre for respite. and we were offered direct payments for three hours a week to help with domestic help which as my daughter trashes everything daily and as I cant even do my own ironing or much hosuework, is not really worth the hasssle of sorting the payments out.

 

Today my 15 year old came in sobbing telling me she wanted to be dead because she couldnt cope with her sister any more. She tells me the responsibility is too much and that my daughter with ASD had nearly got killed mucking about in the traffic. I have just rung social services again and demanded they take me seriously as i just cant do this anymore.

I need a 24 hr educational placement for her but they keep saying me that foster care is the only option.... I dont want her to go and live with another family. I just want her to be safe and educated whilst learnign how to cope with her ASD. can anyone help or advise me at all??

 

Sorry if this is rambling... i'm sure big lots of it dint make much sense at all

[smiley1590]

i used verbally abuse and physcially lash out have anger issues in past at my parents severe ending up me being physically restrained to the floor by them police being called holding kitchen knife to my mum's throat! has MH probs been looked into? depression anxiety?

 

as we find hard express into words how we are truly feeling inside we become so confused and lost hard to cope and manage everyone involved makes feel bad guilty that hurt everyone around you frustration of everyday gets you mad angry lash out of who's closest is true fact of life sounds like your daughter struggling to control her emotions

 

has CAMHS been involved have you been docs to get help and support for her? or got NAS involved how about Medication or therapy?

 

i'm not excusing her behaviour but maybe underlying reasons behind why she acting out is main triggers to make her angry and abusive towards you?

 

my violent outbursts/meltdowns would last hours and tire me out i was in such a state and upset me as was scared and couldn't explain what reality was as lost sense of it! you can lose sense of purpose in life

 

looking back i see the reasons that dragging me down was depression anxiety , frustration and confusion mixture of these was votile combination

 

so MH probs need looking into as probably deeper emotional issue rather just anger on it's own ... my personal opinion ...

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

sounds like both your daughters need help and support in dealing managing with life ... your 'norm' NT 15 yr old daughter maybe need counselling with having an A.S sister or someone not emotionally attached to situation to talk things through of or let off stream... to get things out of her system that bothering her

 

i would ring NAS as see what they can offer!!! what about emergency respite for your ASD daughter to give you and daughter a break so can relax chill take some time for yourselves! has your 15 year old explained what is about her sister that she wants to end her own life over?! is she depressed?

 

does your 15 year old daughter talk to about what is bothering her about her ASD sister is her anger violent abusive ways making her suicidal? or something else?!

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

does is your eldest daughter - 15 one with AS and another one ASD? have i got that right?!

[smiley1590]

sounds like 15 year old daughter feel suffocated overwhelmed by looking out for her sister seems unpredictable situations and trying to watch out for constant dangerous situations seems pushing her over the edge ....

[Annea]

sounds like both your daughters need help and support in dealing managing with life ... your 'norm' NT 15 yr old daughter maybe need counselling with having an A.S sister or someone not emotionally attached to situation to talk things through of or let off stream... to get things out of her system that bothering her

 

 

 

i would ring NAS as see what they can offer!!! what about emergency respite for your ASD daughter to give you and daughter a break so can relax chill take some time for yourselves! has your 15 year old explained what is about her sister that she wants to end her own life over?! is she depressed?

 

does your 15 year old daughter talk to about what is bothering her about her ASD sister is her anger violent abusive ways making her suicidal? or something else?!

 

XKLX

 

I just dont seem to be able to get any help for my 15 yr old though. How could NAS help? She just feels over whelmed by everything. As I am ill too. It just gets too much for her.

 

 

does is your eldest daughter - 15 one with AS and another one ASD? have i got that right?!

 

 

I have 4 children one who is 16 who has AS, she is at specialist college. I have one 15 yr old who is NT and my 13 yr old is ASD My 8 yr old son is possibly on the spectrum too although havent even begin looking for diagnosis yet.

 

sounds like 15 year old daughter feel suffocated overwhelmed by looking out for her sister seems unpredictable situations and trying to watch out for constant dangerous situations seems pushing her over the edge ....

 

Yes that is so.

 

 

I jsut had social services on phone and they tell me as I am in crisis they will come out and see me next Tuesday.... at the moment i cant even see tomorrow never mind a week away!

[JsMum]

I havent been on for a while, but please let me rant.

 

My eldest daughtewr with AS is doing so well now, in an A/S college doing 4 a levels but my youngest daughter with ASD who is now 13 is almost uncontrollable. Everyday she goes into terrible rages calling me an F'ing cow, telling me to drop dead. She is aggressive and spends half her life angry, the other half upset.

 

Before Christmas she almost electrocuted herself when she pulled her main bedroom light down and i contacted social services. On top of all this I have a chronic incurable illness and suffer constant pain and fatigue. Soicial services were uselss, i have three different teams coming in to assess, a child dissabiltiy one, one for me as I am ill and one for my other twpo children who are also carers, none of them talked to each other, it was a waste of time, they ended up offering me an asd supporter who came in and told me everything i was doing was wrong. She then went on to say she didnt have to live with it so it was easy for her to say. the carers team offered my two 1 hour a month at a community centre for respite. and we were offered direct payments for three hours a week to help with domestic help which as my daughter trashes everything daily and as I cant even do my own ironing or much hosuework, is not really worth the hasssle of sorting the payments out.

 

Today my 15 year old came in sobbing telling me she wanted to be dead because she couldnt cope with her sister any more. She tells me the responsibility is too much and that my daughter with ASD had nearly got killed mucking about in the traffic. I have just rung social services again and demanded they take me seriously as i just cant do this anymore.

I need a 24 hr educational placement for her but they keep saying me that foster care is the only option.... I dont want her to go and live with another family. I just want her to be safe and educated whilst learnign how to cope with her ASD. can anyone help or advise me at all??

 

Sorry if this is rambling... i'm sure big lots of it dint make much sense at all

 

 

What is she like at school?

 

Does she have a Statement of SEN?

 

The main reason Social services say the only option is Foster care is because its dam well cheaper than a 24-7 specialist educational provision.

 

And Foster care is not the only option.

 

My son attends a specialist respite residential unit in the holidays so I do have persoanal experience on the matter.

 

I recommend you ring National Autistic Society and request to talk to someone in the Community welfare services who will be able to direct you to a solisitor.

 

I warn you now its a long fight, and the social services nit pick there way out of having any responsibility because if they can blame the parent they will because if its a parental issue they can wash there hands and you get Ziltz.

 

You know that the extreame crisis is because of lack of provisions and support but ss wont want to admit that so you may need to fight which takes lots energy but in the long run it will be worth it.

 

I really recommend you write down all your worries and what support you feel your children, you do actually need and request this in writing to your local authority.

 

In the mean time you may then be getting legal advice and support.

 

I have one son with special needs and it is very demanding, to realise you have other children and with additional special needs that must be very stressful for you.

 

Anyway I really recommend these links for urgent support.

 

JsMumxxx

 

http://www.autism.org.uk/our-services/advice-and-information-services/community-care-service.aspx

 

http://www.carersuk.org/Home

 

 

http://www.cafamily.org.uk/families/index.html

[Kathryn]

Hi Annea,

 

Good news about your eldest daughter but sorry to hear about your stressful situation with the younger one. <'>

 

Sorry you may have posted this before but has your daughter got a Statement? To get a residential school you will obviously need one. You would have to get evidence to show that there are educational reasons for needing a 24 hour school i.e. it's not just a respite need because you can't cope as a family.

 

K x

[Annea]

Hi Js mum and Kathryn,

 

This daughter hasnt got a statement she was turned down. I then went to speak to a senior inclusion officer att he LEA he asked why she had not been assessed by the SPLD team or an Ed Psych. I told him that that i had repeatedly asked for an assessment but to no avail. He then arranged for her to be seen by ed psych and SPLD team.

 

For a long time she has had very specific learning difficulties but at primary school the head repeatedly called me a liar. When I told her my daughter in year 6 couldnt even count in 2's etc. she told me my daughter knew upto her 6 times tables. Everything i said, she lied about.

When she went to secondary she was therfore unsupported.

It took a few months before the SENCO at the secondary sat up and took notice. The teachers still give her marks that are the higher end of average but when i looked at the marking criterior, their was no correlation between the work she was doing and the marks she receives. I was told by the head, the ultimate mark is down to some teacher discretion.

When she was diagnosed with ASD the psychologist did all the tests etc... she spent some time looking at her English capabilty and whilst her reading came out very high, her spelling etc came out on the 7 centile. She also has a very poor working memory.

When seen by the SPLD for her literacy she came out advanced???? I questioned this and showed her work to the assessor who was baffled. I never got an official report from numeracy assessor as I am still waiting, but she is now withdrawn for numeracy support so I presume the results wernt good.

 

The problem is my daughter says that when the teacher teachers her maths, she feels like a baby. She say's she understands exactly hpw to do the work. So she understands everything they say. However, when it comes down to doing the work, something changes and she cant use that knowledge. I just dont understand it. But she is getting angrier and angrier.

 

She is up for a review week after next so I am waiting to see what is said. If no sense is made I need to start the application for stat assessment again.

 

It is so difficult as with my illness I have so little energy to fight. I did the long fight with my eldest daughter and it went to an 8 hr tribunal after a couple of years of battle. I feel like a failure as I just don't think I can do it again.

 

 

Social services are comign back in next Tuesday to see if they can come with a "package that suits my family and their budget!!! " The thing is they want people to come in and help with mornign routine etc, whereas they just don't understand that to have strangers in the house would be a nightmare for everyone.

I feel if they increased the amount of direct payments they offered from 3 hrs, then I could get more rest in the day not having to worry about housework etc which would give me more energy when they get in from school, today for instance, I fell asleep straight after I got home from taking my son to school. Got up at 12 and can already feel myself flagging again. I am not always like this but I am for at least half a week. so I just feel everything is on top of me.