Please Help

[soraya]

Hi there,

 

im using my mums log in to try and get some help and advice from people who really know what their talking about and she said i would find it on here.

Im 24 and now live away from home but just down the road. my younger brother was diagnosed with aspergers many years ago. he has always been extremely violant and uses his words to really affect the family as well as manipulating them into thinking its all there fault. i try and talk to him all the time but all he does is swear and me and say get out the room. there have been many occations where my mum has been in tears as she doesnt know what to do but i dont know what to do to help her. the family have tried everything to try and support him and my mum is amazing but things are just getting worse. he is 18 in a few months and im really concerned im going to have to call the police again because of his actions but this time their would obviously be consequences. just today ive had to come home to my mums from work as something online has set him on a rant whereby he has smashed the house doors in, wrecked his room and been shouting and swearing at my mum threatening to hit her as well as my grandma and auntie who were in the house, i cant repeat the words used as it was just too much, i couldnt even think up such evil things. i came home as i recieved a phone voicemail from him saying if i stay over at the house to look after him while my mum and dad are away for the wekkend hel burn the house down with me in it whilst i sleep. these may seen like empty threats to some people but i truely believe he will soon commit a horrific crime. i also get very worried as my 3 yr old daughter is often at the house and i really dont trust his levels of violence. the only step i can see next is him being sent to a mental health home if such places still exist as i fear greatly for my families safety. i know hes a good person inside but his aggression plus the compulsive lying is scaring all of us. and as he makes continues lies to people i think they stop being his friends and then yet again he takes it out on my mum. any advice and help would be great.

[bid]

Welcome to the forum, Soraya's son <'>

 

First of all, I wanted to say that your brother's behaviour is completely unacceptable, whether he has AS or not.

 

Do you think there are very clear consequences in place for his behaviour? I think this is the underlying framework for any change, although it is very hard when you are faced with a large 18 year old.

 

I think that there has to come a point with an adult when the wider family says 'enough is enough'. It is not acceptable for a whole family to live in fear of one member. This may mean some very tough love to safeguard other family members. Have your family considered contacting SS to see if there is any supported living your brother could access?

 

I think you sound a wonderful older son to be supporting your mum and younger brother like this...and your post is a timely reminder to us parents of the possible impact on other siblings.

 

Please keep posting as I'm sure other's will have more practical suggestions.

 

Very best,

 

Bid <'>

[baddad]

Just to say I totally agree with bid's post above.

If your brother is now eighteen then achieving any sort of change in him is going to be even harder. From a purely strategic/technical point of view he is now too old and large for 'behavioural management' strategies to work or be implemented - any change that will happen will happen either because HE commits to the change or because outside agencies (police/magistrates etc) enforce changes in ways that the family cannot, will not or have not been able to. He can, with the full backing of the law on his side, tell you all to go take a flying leap (though I'm guessing he wouldn't say 'leap'), and if/when he does it really is as clear cut as you either putting up with it or quite categorically saying you will not put up with it (the 'tough love' bid mentioned) and following through on it.

 

At the moment, your brother - however unhappy he might be and whatever the causes of his outbursts - calls all the shots, and defends that position / powerbase with his aggression. He will continue to do so as long as that works for him and for as long as there is no disincentive (for either of the personal commitment / external intervention reasons I've mentioned) for doing so.

 

Finally, do not confuse his aggressive behaviour with autism - they are not the same thing. It may well be that confusion like that in dealing with his behaviours in the past has actually helped create the situation you are now in by providing him with an excuse or justification or by absolving him from taking responsibility and/or being sanctioned for his behaviours. If that is the case, you are now dealing with the implications of that, with graphic 'evidence' that such responses are unhelpful.

 

I'm sorry there's not much in the way of stress-free advice there, but the reality is there's not going to be a solution that doesn't involve either the 'victims' of his behaviour saying (and meaning) 'No More' or him making some sort of commitment and effort to change. Other than that, the only likely outcome will be one of those 'worst case scenarios' you mention - and i'm guessing the likely result of that would actually be more pressure, aggro and guilt for the rest of the family. looked at like that, the 'tough love' option should seeem like the lesser of two evils.

 

Whatever you decide, a tough road ahead, so very best wishes to you all for the journey.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited May 8, 2011 by baddad

[soraya]

Welcome to the forum, Soraya's son <'>

 

First of all, I wanted to say that your brother's behaviour is completely unacceptable, whether he has AS or not.

 

Do you think there are very clear consequences in place for his behaviour? I think this is the underlying framework for any change, although it is very hard when you are faced with a large 18 year old.

 

I think that there has to come a point with an adult when the wider family says 'enough is enough'. It is not acceptable for a whole family to live in fear of one member. This may mean some very tough love to safeguard other family members. Have your family considered contacting SS to see if there is any supported living your brother could access?

 

I think you sound a wonderful older son to be supporting your mum and younger brother like this...and your post is a timely reminder to us parents of the possible impact on other siblings.

 

Please keep posting as I'm sure other's will have more practical suggestions.

 

Very best,

 

Bid <'>

[soraya]

Thanks alot for your reply.

 

The option of assisted living sounds like something to look into, my mum seems to think with the cut backs there are he wont get accepted for it but ive said we must persue it.

Its great to know there are people like you who are here to help and support everyone, the fact you take the time to do so is amazing, genuine good souls who understand.

my mums always tried to do the best by him and i think now that me my brother and especially my dad have not done enough. hes at the size and age now where he overpowers both my parents and this is the worry.

we have called the police on a few occations before, however when he turns 18 he will obviously get a criminal record and make it even harder to get a job than it already is, he had a job over christmas for 3 months and during that time he was much better behaved.

I think one of the main problems he has is the internet, he is on it all throughout the night and im sure he is just creating numurous lies on different websites and making personas that are not him, i know he speaks to people abroad and he lies to them all the time, ive suggested to my parents that we cut the internet off for a while and just pretend theirs a problem with it, do you think this is a good or bad idea? sorry about my typing skills, im a chef and dont use computers often.

[bid]

Thanks alot for your reply.

 

The option of assisted living sounds like something to look into, my mum seems to think with the cut backs there are he wont get accepted for it but ive said we must persue it.

Its great to know there are people like you who are here to help and support everyone, the fact you take the time to do so is amazing, genuine good souls who understand.

my mums always tried to do the best by him and i think now that me my brother and especially my dad have not done enough. hes at the size and age now where he overpowers both my parents and this is the worry.

we have called the police on a few occations before, however when he turns 18 he will obviously get a criminal record and make it even harder to get a job than it already is, he had a job over christmas for 3 months and during that time he was much better behaved.

I think one of the main problems he has is the internet, he is on it all throughout the night and im sure he is just creating numurous lies on different websites and making personas that are not him, i know he speaks to people abroad and he lies to them all the time, ive suggested to my parents that we cut the internet off for a while and just pretend theirs a problem with it, do you think this is a good or bad idea? sorry about my typing skills, im a chef and dont use computers often.

 

OK, the ideal would be for your brother to have a structured, purposeful life, doing something constructive with his days rather than living a nocturnal life online. Even if a paid job is difficult, he could volunteer or at the very least take over some responsibility for helping to run the house, cut the grass, etc. I also think that if he isn't already doing so, he should make a contribution towards his keep (however small) from whatever benefits he may be receiving.

 

However, the honest reality is that this will be difficult to achieve, although not necessarily impossible. Despite his age, he would probably still benefit from a visual timetable mapping out each day through the week so he can see what will be happening next. I'm 40-cough and I still use a timetable to help structure my life.

 

How to achieve all this is the difficult question to answer, and depends on your brother's personality I guess. How did he get the job you mention, and why did it end? If he seemed happier during this time, this might be a very good starting place to begin helping him re-structure his life. Perhaps he could be helped to investigate similar work. He will undoubtedly need a lot of support and help, and will find it hard to change his life-style...and consequetly may need some big helpings of tough love at some points. I hope I don't sound too harsh, but personally I believe that it is perfectly acceptable for parents to say to adult children, even those with special needs, that if they cannot behave appropriately within the family home and accept help to change things, then they will have to live elsewhere.

 

I know it's very, very easy for me to make all these suggestions, but it does sound as though something needs to be done for the sake of everyone in your family. My own young adult son with AS always paid me housekeeping, even when he started with just a part-time job. He behaved very well the majority of the time, but there were a couple of occasions when we did say to him that if didn't abide by the house rules he would need to find somewhere else to live, mainly when his behaviour had a negative impact on his younger siblings.

 

Bid

Edited May 9, 2011 by bid

[cmuir]

Hi

 

My son is 9 and has always had a tendency to be very aggressive. Whilst I think it's important not to tar everyone with AS with the same stick, I am of the belief (backed up by my son's consultant and psychiatrist) that extreme anxiety and an inability to identify and control emotions can result in such behaviour (also important to add, that people with AS can behave badly like any NT, so cannot always be attributed to the aforementioned). Either way, it's unacceptable. I've had to learn to ensure I put boundaries in place and ensure there are consequences for crossing such boundaries. It's very easy to issue threats, but in my son's case, he had to learn (and it took a long time) that if I issued a warning with consequences, I would actually carry them out. My biggest fear is that there could one day be serious consequences. I always try to discuss at an appropriate time after a meltdown (once he's calm) what happened, why his behaviour was unacceptable and what he could do to prevent things escalating. Again, all a lot easier said than done. One thing that I have noticed in an escalation in his behaviour since he started gaming (I'm guessing I can't be specific). I'm currently struggling with this, but have minimised his time on his console. I think gaming can be a big problem (can be competitive, all consuming, etc etc). It sounds like internet access is a big issue - are there any other changes (environmental, relationships, college/work, etc) that you've noticed trigger these episodes? Perhaps distracting him i.e. taking him out to walk the dog, go to the shops, go to the gym/swimming, etc (with assistance if required) might keep his mind off the internet. It's worth trying to assess that and if necessary seek professional help. Your brother could end up with a criminal record and possibly even inadvertently (or otherwise) cause harm to himself or someone else and so it's key that your problem learns that there are consequences for his behaviour. Must be very hard, but is your mother able to impose anything when he wrecks something around the house, i.e. he has to pay for a replacement, etc? Sorry, not sure what to suggest, but assisted living sounds like a good option. For that, I'm assuming Social Services would need to be involved i.e. carry out a section 23 assessment – your family need to make them aware of how bad things are (it's about prevention, not about waiting until you're all at your witsend).

 

C

Edited May 9, 2011 by cmuir

[baddad]

My son is 9 and has always had a tendency to be very aggressive. Whilst I think it's important not to tar everyone with AS with the same stick, I am of the belief (backed up by my son's consultant and psychiatrist) that extreme anxiety and an inability to identify and control emotions can result in such behaviour (also important to add, that people with AS can behave badly like any NT, so cannot always be attributed to the aforementioned). Either way, it's unacceptable. I've had to learn to ensure I put boundaries in place and ensure there are consequences for crossing such boundaries. It's very easy to issue threats, but in my son's case, he had to learn (and it took a long time) that if I issued a warning with consequences, I would actually carry them out. My biggest fear is that there could one day be serious consequences. I always try to discuss at an appropriate time after a meltdown (once he's calm) what happened, why his behaviour was unacceptable and what he could do to prevent things escalating. Again, all a lot easier said than done. One thing that I have noticed in an escalation in his behaviour since he started gaming (I'm guessing I can't be specific). I'm currently struggling with this, but have minimised his time on his console. I think gaming can be a big problem (can be competitive, all consuming, etc etc). It sounds like internet access is a big issue - are there any other changes (environmental, relationships, college/work, etc) that you've noticed trigger these episodes? Perhaps distracting him i.e. taking him out to walk the dog, go to the shops, go to the gym/swimming, etc (with assistance if required) might keep his mind off the internet. It's worth trying to assess that and if necessary seek professional help. Your brother could end up with a criminal record and possibly even inadvertently (or otherwise) cause harm to himself or someone else and so it's key that your problem learns that there are consequences for his behaviour. Must be very hard, but is your mother able to impose anything when he wrecks something around the house, i.e. he has to pay for a replacement, etc? Sorry, not sure what to suggest, but assisted living sounds like a good option. For that, I'm assuming Social Services would need to be involved i.e. carry out a section 23 assessment – your family need to make them aware of how bad things are (it's about prevention, not about waiting until you're all at your witsend).

 

C

 

Hi C Muir - totally agree that anxiety and confusion can be triggers for inappropriate behaviour, but that applies to inappropriate behaviour in non-autistic people too, and I think it's unhelpful when parents or professionals make 'blanket' distinctions between the two, or assumptions that inappropriate behaviours in autistic children must be arising from those triggers or other factors like them. More often, there are far simpler explanations that also apply equally to all (autistic and NT) children. I would also agree that it can take an autistic child longer to 'learn' the rules between behaviour/consequence and/or to accept them - but that actually implies a necessity for more concrete boundaries (as you seem to be saying, I think?) than more relaxed ones, which is what many parents (and professionals, god love 'em ) propose...

 

Soraya's son - No, I don't think cutting off the internet and lying about the reasons it's 'down' is a good idea. Any progress your brother is going to make has to be because the problems are being confronted and/or because he's investing personally in finding solutions. Cutting off the internet and lying about it doesn't achieve either of those things - it just skirts around them, and is likely to backfire when he checks the router or whatever or the power goes back on...

I'd suggest a family meeting where you TELL him that internet access is going to be restricted etc, and what expectations you have of him if he wants to retain the access he is being given. If the internet is his passion, it's also the best tool you have for getting him to work with you on some other aspects of his behaviour, whether used as a reward or a sanction.

 

It may well be that he is lying and inventing personas online (in fact, 'you' could be 'he! ), but i'm not sure what you can do about that if he's eighteen and a 'responsible' adult. All you can do is reiterate that if that is how he identifies himself (as a responsible adult) then he is also responsible for anything irresponsible he does. He cannot have his cake and eat it, but by the same token you can't force him or stop him from doing anything unless there is a legal argument against him taking self-responsibility, which is something only a medical professional (or the law, if he breaks it), can decide and impose.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Hi again SS,

 

Just wanted to say about my suggestions above, that I realise I am quite old school in that I think adult children should be working towards leaving home, should make a contribution to the household, and should abide by the house rules, irrespective of special needs. It's how I was brought up, and it's what we have done with my adult son with AS, and will do with the others who don't have AS. But I appreciate not everyone will share that approach, so I hope I haven't upset anyone

 

Bid

Edited May 9, 2011 by bid

[cmuir]

Hi C Muir - totally agree that anxiety and confusion can be triggers for inappropriate behaviour, but that applies to inappropriate behaviour in non-autistic people too, and I think it's unhelpful when parents or professionals make 'blanket' distinctions between the two, or assumptions that inappropriate behaviours in autistic children must be arising from those triggers or other factors like them. More often, there are far simpler explanations that also apply equally to all (autistic and NT) children. I would also agree that it can take an autistic child longer to 'learn' the rules between behaviour/consequence and/or to accept them - but that actually implies a necessity for more concrete boundaries (as you seem to be saying, I think?) than more relaxed ones, which is what many parents (and professionals, god love 'em ) propose...

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

I am in no way making a blanket distinction, but simply expressing my opinion on an individual case (my son). I believe his issues are largely attributable to the fact that he has AS, specifically an inability to identify and deal with his emotions appropriately (this is a view shared by both education and healthcare professionals that know him well). Putting my head higher above the parapet still, I would even go as far as to say that it is my view that if kiddo were NT, I think he'd still have issues with aggression, etc, but perhaps to a lesser degree. I believe this to be the case as it is recognised that he suffers from extreme anxiety which has often been observed by professionals and reported to be the reason for a his aggressive front/anger/etc. The fact is that we all have our strengths and weaknesses (whether NT or ASD). Despite the fact that people on the spectrum can share a number of common traits, the same can be said i.e. some traits/issues/difficulties can be much more pronounced in some than others – that's simply the point that I'm making. Baddad, I do take your point to some degree, but feel that just as we should be careful not to automatically apportioning issues e.g. aggression to someone who has an ASD, that equally, in some, having an ASD may make such issues more pronounced. That said, aggression, lashing out, etc is unacceptable behaviour in someone irrespective of whether they're NT or AS and needs to be dealt with in a firm, consistent and appropriate way.

[baddad]

Baddad, I do take your point to some degree, but feel that just as we should be careful not to automatically apportioning issues e.g. aggression to someone who has an ASD, that equally, in some, having an ASD may make such issues more pronounced. That said, aggression, lashing out, etc is unacceptable behaviour in someone irrespective of whether they're NT or AS and needs to be dealt with in a firm, consistent and appropriate way.

 

Yes, I do agree that someone with an ASD might be more socially anxious, etc as part of their condition, and that if they haven't developed / are unable to develop / have not been enabled or helped to develop more appropriate responses their responses might be anger or aggression. I actually do wonder how much that differs from NT children, though, because looked at in the 'historical' context of people with HFA who went undiagnosed into adulthood, aggression and anger do not seem to be the dominant responses to stress or anxiety. Those behaviours seem more predominant in this era of early intervention and better diagnosis, and intrinsically linked to assumptions or value judgements or responses that anticipate precisely those behaviours as part of or linked to autism.

 

The 'official line' from (i.e.) the NAS or the higher profile professionals has always been that violence and aggression are not an intrinsic part of autism - yet increasingly they seem to undermine that position and play up a connection when the situation / circumstances suit; whether that's for media speculation on the latest American high-school massacre where the gun-toting student is described as an 'oddball' or a 'loner', or because it's a view that is generally more popular with parents whose children haven't yet developed alternative responses.

 

Underlying all of that, the general consensus (in this thread at least) seems to be that regardless of whether a child has autism or any other condition or not, aggression is not an acceptable response to stress or anxiety or frustration. As long as peeps focus on that and intervene accordingly then both the official line and the more popular unofficial one effectively become moot points... We don't all necessarily have to be singing from the same song book, but I think it's much better in the long term for all autistic people if we're all at least singing the same song!

 

L&P

 

BD

[soraya]

Hello,

 

In a bid to add further confusion to my Mums account I thought I'd post my two penneth worth on the topic.

 

My name is Tom and I am the eldest of the three brothers, Phil originally wrote this posting, and Nick is the boy/adult who suffers with Aspergers and behavioural difficulties.

 

I moved away from the family home back in 2002 to head off to university and have been living and working in London ever since. This makes it very difficult to keep up to speed with the situation at home and I am aware that my Mum (we'll call her Soraya) doesn't tell me everything that is going on as I know she doesn't want me to worry. However as soon as there is a more eruptive episode like that of last week then everything tends to come out. From my ill-informed perspective and from what my brother and Soraya tell me, it is clear something needs to change. The problem is this has always been the case...

 

I remember growing up with Nick when he was a lot younger and to be honest nothing much seems to have changed, only that he has gotten larger and his behaviour more evidently aggressive as he now has a lot more weight to throw around. The only thing that remains a constant is his maturity which seems to have gotten stuck at around about age twelve. The thing that really concerns me is he is getting older and stronger, and, whilst the 17 vs 52 age gap means my parents are more a less still in control, the balance of power is shifting and will continue to shift, 27 vs 62, 37 vs 72... and whats supposed to happen then? It is absolutely crystal clear in my mind that something needs to change, 'tough love' sounds right because whenever I visit the family home there is an unnatural amount of arguing, especially over irrelevant everyday issues and everybody seems un happy.

 

I believe one of the fundamental flaws in resolving any 'Nick' related issue is that my Mum and Dad simply don't align themselves to a shared viewpoint and are continually blaming each other for his bad behaviour. The general jist of it is that my Dad tends to wait and wait until Nick pushes him too far and then with absolutely no tact or sensitivity, reacts in an equally aggressive manner back at Nick – he blames my Mum for not being strict enough. On the other side of the coin my Mum tries a more softly softly approach which Nick takes full advantage of, summoning her to his every whim, and to make life easier I think my Mum tends to go along with it. I think its this un-united approach ultimately confuses Nick further, but also means that nothing gets resolved or no rules are put in place and enforced. It also gives them a great excuse to blame each other when 'episodes' happen.

 

I feel terribly naive writing this as I really don't get the full picture on a daily basis. I also feel terribly guilty that I don't put more effort in to help out in whatever way I can. Its difficult as my life is in London now, but I really would like to help out more. I think decisions need to be made, people need to be aligned to a common approach and view point and then ultimately see whatever it is that needs to be seen, through to whatever end.

 

Sorry I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post but it would be good to at least get some wheels turning in the right direction. Does anybody have any further information and experience regarding assisted living? And does anybody know how to obtain one of these Section 23 assessments?

 

Many thanks in advance,

Tom.

[baddad]

Hi Tom -

 

However occassional your involvement etc, you seem to have a very good overview of the situation and of the precise dynamics that are likely to be influencing it. As an older sibling you have to make your own choices about how much you involve yourself in the family, but the reality is as your parents (and Nick) get older that someone has to pick up the slack (assuming Nick can't be persuaded to act more appropriately and take up some of it himself - which I think from eveything your mum posted in the past he's perfectly capable of IF circumstances demand it of him) so if that isn't going to be you and/or Phil yuor family need to know and be planning for that.

 

The dynamic you've described between Mum and Dad is one I'm sure I've heard before, either from your mum or from people in a similar situation, and you're absolutely right that there needs to be much more continuity on BOTH sides. I would add one more consideration though, and that is that I'd make an educated guess it is very difficult for your dad to do it any differently, because when he does finally 'put his foot down' your mum intervenes (for the sake of keeping the peace) to stop him from doing so. Effectively, he's only reacting when he's already reached the end of his tether (because he feels it's pointless anyway) and he's in absolutely the worst shape possible for carrying through an effective 'sanction' in a calm and controlled manner. That's not shifting the blame all onto mum, BTW - it's just a faulty dynamic that's evolved (and one that evolves in many families)to make the situation worse rather than better.

 

The biggest problem with 'keeping the peace' is that it's a short term strategy that makes the long term even worse. The child (seems silly calling Nick that, but then on the other hand he is behaving like one a lot of the time) learns that eventually the grown ups are going to cave in, and he has an absolute expectation of that based on previous experience. The more times it happens, the more ingrained that 'reward' resolution becomes, and the more ingrained become the aggressive or inappropriate behaviours that achieve that reward/resolution. Meanwhile, the adults are getting more and more worn down and every defeat they suffer (especially the ones that come after they've launched a 'new offensive') ingrains the expectation in them of failure.

 

If Dad CAN cope with Nick, he needs to be doing so consistently, and reacting far more quickly rather than waiting until the pots already boiled. If mum CAN'T cope with dad coping, and continually undermines his efforts, she needs to get out of the way so she's not in the situation at times when her being there will only add to the problems. Best of all would be if they can BOTH be dealing with it in a consolidated and consistent way, but after all these years I think for the short term at least it would have to be Mum leaving Dad to it, because the old patternns are likely to re-emerge.

 

If Phil is still living at home maybe he could be more involved in supporting dad when mum can't (and yourself on visits home?). I suspect he might well have 'given up the ghost' too in the same way as your dad - in that when he has tried to intervene his interventions have been 'blocked' by Mum looking for a 'quiet life' too.

 

Anyhoo - really hope you can ALL find a way forward and some solutions. Anything you can achieve now will pay much bigger dividends in the future - not only for the peeps delivering the 'tough love' but for Nick too. I'll not dwell on the alternative, because you've already pretty much outlined it yourself. FWIW I remember hearing about a brief interlude when Nick was giving college a real go - it didn't last long, but did show that when he puts his mind to it he's got more going for him than he likes to let on. With the right combination of carrot and stick, both consistently applied, the future could be a very different place for him, and I wish you ALL the very best in getting there.

 

L&P

 

BD

[bid]

Sorry I'm not entirely sure where I'm going with this post but it would be good to at least get some wheels turning in the right direction. Does anybody have any further information and experience regarding assisted living? And does anybody know how to obtain one of these Section 23 assessments?

 

 

Welcome to the forum Tom,

 

First of all you will need to establish whether your brother already has a named Social Worker, and if any assessments on him/your parents-as-carers have been carried out.

 

If so, then you can go from there, but unfortunately it will probably still be a struggle. If not I'm afraid you are at the beginning and will need to show SS that your family has reached crisis point and are in desperate need of the relevant assessments. Either way, from experience I'm afraid the only way to get any positive action from SS is to continually contact them, reiterating the emergency nature of the family situation.

 

Good luck, and I think your mum and dad must be very proud to have two such lovely older sons who are concerned about Nick and the wider family.

 

Bid <'>

 

BTW Mods, I've just tried to read through Soraya's old posts, but don't seem able to access any other than those made in the last few days?

Edited May 13, 2011 by bid

[gazmcfaz]

hey mate, sorry to hear about that! It doesnt sound like he's just got A.S to be honest, sounds more like he real emotional problems and coping difficulties, hence his extreme outbursts, it is normal for people on the spectrum to have meltdowns, just like everyone does at times when things get bad, but to be saying violent things how you described, Id suggest first explaining to him how it makes everyone else feel, scared, worried, and ask him if there is anything making him feel that way. Does he spend a lot of time in his room alone? If you could get to the root of his anger it would help, and if he doesnt respond to that, it's probably time to get a mental health counsellor and your GP involved. Only go for police etc if he really does get violent. He may have said about burning the house down if you sleep there, the question is why would he feel the need to do that. Does he have a real problem with you? If he does and he imagines doing that in his head it may seem fine to him, but he probably doesnt realise the consequences of his actions, for example, if he really did set fire to the house or hurt one of you, he would be jailed or sectioned, with the guilt of knowing hes hurt someone! But please contact someone professional about it first, hope that helps!