Hallo

[focusfuture]

Hi All,

 

Right, I am new here, so just to introduce myself.

 

I am married to a wonderful guy, although we are now in the process to trying to get a diagnosis for ASD, probably relatively mild end of spectrum, but enough to have brought our relationship to crisis.

 

We've been together 9 years, married for 5 of them. Throughout that time I have been a bit messed up, with bad mental heatlh, and finally had a breakdown about 2.5years ago, and have been able to work a lot out. DH has been an angel trying to support me in practical ways, but as a suspect aspie, shares the problem of not being able to empathise, understand emotions or read situations very well. This meant that as I was getting better, I have found that I wanted more from our relationship, and previously thinking that his distance was all my fault, I have now realised that it isn't all my fault, and that he too has difficulties.

 

We have done a bit of research into ASDs and been for first appt with the GP, now we're waiting for the next appt tonight. It might be that they laugh at us, after all how many women say their husband doesn't get them! Hopefully we will get some pointers and perhaps move towards a potential diagnosis. It's been quite amazing reading a couple of books (An asperger marriage and workbook for Asperger couples).

 

It's been sort of relieving but at the same time a bit of a shock facing up to this being possible and realising that there aren't a great deal of supports in Bristol for DH who has a good job, and from the outside appears quite 'normal' so long as there is no intimacy or emotionally challenging situations!

 

Also, we are both committed to giving this our best shot and working towards keeping our marriage going, because we do love eachother a lot (I have to take DH's word for that, as he doesn't display it much!). We always wanted to have kids, but I must be honest, I am afraid of having ASD child as well as DH, because I really don't think I am strong enough to cope with caring for them both, and not having the support of my partner. I don't have close family. I don't mean to be rude, it just scares me, and is more to do with my own fears about coping, NOT that ASD being 'awful' and something I am prejudiced against.

 

Also, looking at it, I might have the Cassandra problem, apparently partners of ASD people can feel emotionally starved and get depressed and so on. I have really struggled to deal with my depression as I have done a lot of work on how I think, I'm on strong medication and try to live a positive life, but have never been able to get through it. Also, as had difficult childhood and missed out on care, love and nurturing, it's something I have always craved, but don't seem to get it now, so suspect that it's a bit because DH doesn't show love and affection in the conventional sense. Open to learning how to deal with challenges and take a different perspective too, because I can't deny that I originally fell in love with DH because he is very steady, gentle spirited and very routine based. (Obviously coz he's gorgeous too!) So I can't wish away the possible ASD, because it's what I love about him too.

 

Sorry, this is a bit all over the place, as am I! It's all a bit scarey, but nothing we can't cope with, I really hope so!

 

I guess I am just really open to any suggestions, any ideas or recommendations others may have?

 

Thanks for reading.

[peony]

Hi there Focusfuture,

 

I haven't posted for some time but what you write is so identical to my own experiences that I had to!

 

You write: 'I am married to a wonderful guy, although we are now in the process to trying to get a diagnosis for ASD, probably relatively mild end of spectrum, but enough to have brought our relationship to crisis.

 

We've been together 9 years, married for 5 of them. Throughout that time I have been a bit messed up, with bad mental heatlh, and finally had a breakdown about 2.5years ago, and have been able to work a lot out. DH has been an angel trying to support me in practical ways, but as a suspect aspie, shares the problem of not being able to empathise, understand emotions or read situations very well. This meant that as I was getting better, I have found that I wanted more from our relationship, and previously thinking that his distance was all my fault, I have now realised that it isn't all my fault, and that he too has difficulties.'

 

I have been with my DH for 7 years and married for 5 and we went through the 'diagnosis' attempt about two years ago with a specialist ASD counsellor. Like your DH, mine is definitely on the mild end of the spectrum but I can totally empathise that that is plenty enough to drive you to distraction and way beyond. Like you I have had the opportunity to 'work things out' over time - even though it took me three years to come to the ASD possibility. In the interim I went from being a successful professional with lots of friends, through a nervous breakdown, depression (more than a bit 'messed up!), medication (which I'm still taking), inability to work and loss of a social life. Don't mean this to look like self-pity by the way! DH is a high-flying professional who is highly intelligent (and work-focussed) and, at least in my opinion, was more than capable of convincing the counsellor that he was perfectly OK because he didn't want to continue that sort of involvement. In private and following tests that we've done together, he does admit that he has some 'traits'!

 

My DH shines in his work environment but is extremely unsociable and clearly anxious when in social situations - hence the gradual loss of my close friends and wider social circle. I cringe when I think of some of the things he's said and done in the past prior to my ASD awareness and I now take the view that it's safer not to get into that sort of situation, which is very emotionally painful when you've been used to having lots of friends. What has sustained me is that, like you, I love him very much. He is extremely 'caring' - in the sense of looking after me and providing for our home and family. At times there are real flashes of spontaneous affection but these are rare and sometimes it feels almost as if he's pretending and reenacting what he's seen other people do. Hard to explain what I mean but it's the genuineness that seems to come into question? These times are far outweighed by the 'strange' reactions and actions on a daily basis and I think that it was my lack of awareness of ASD in previous years that led to the 'starvation' which you comment on and the inevitable emotional confusion and downward spiral. At least once you have that awareness you can sometimes take a step back or anticipate what's going to happen. For me the big thing has been learning not to blame myself when he does certain things that are not typical behaviour - it's just how he is. I don't know whether you experienced a sense of 'grief' when you realised that ASD might be a possibility? This was a real crisis point for me (about two years ago) because you know that you cannot change him and it seems that all your expectations and hopes disappear. However, in the time since then I have found it useful to appeal to his logic and intelligence and to set time aside to discuss what is the reality and this has really helped. If you can't expect that emotional intuition which most couples share then you have to do something else instead otherwise you end up in a void.

 

Blimey - getting a bit depressing here! I just wanted to say that there is the proverbial light there. if you'd asked me two years ago then I'd have been willing to throw in the towel and run for the hills. You seem like a very intelligent woman and for me knowledge of the condition has been key to retaining my (near!) sanity. For example - I now know that the Crackberry will NEVER be switched off and that he will always be available to take work-related calls. Remote Maldavian atoll on honeymoon? Sahara desert? 'Romantic' mini-break? All ruined. Now when we go away there are set rules which we've worked out and the situation is much better. Sometimes I can even laugh because he's being so typically 'him'! Also one upside is that DH is incredibly loyal and honest and so at least I'm not exposed to the infidelities and gut-wrenching agony that brought to my previous marriage.

 

Like you I don't have any close family. I'm an only child and my parents live at the other end of the country and I'm not particularly close to them. At least, through this forum you can realise that you're not the only one out there and I have found it so helpful to read your post.

 

You are totally right that it's 'nothing you can't cope with'. We're all different and what works for one couple may not work for another but being positive is a key factor. That and sharing with others who can empathise.

 

I hope it goes well with the GP this evening.

[focusfuture]

I don't know whether you experienced a sense of 'grief' when you realised that ASD might be a possibility? This was a real crisis point for me (about two years ago) because you know that you cannot change him and it seems that all your expectations and hopes disappear. However, in the time since then I have found it useful to appeal to his logic and intelligence and to set time aside to discuss what is the reality and this has really helped. If you can't expect that emotional intuition which most couples share then you have to do something else instead otherwise you end up in a void.

 

Hi Peony,

Crumbs, it is like looking in a mirror! I think that the grief thing has been hitting me really quite hard the last three weeks. We had a massive bust up, when I ended up shouting "what's wrong with you!!" which had been precipitated by years of having 'talks' and making promises to not do the same thing again. It was at that point, when I had even told him to get his act together, or I was going to leave, as I would rather be unhappy and alone than go through this (as I saw it then) rejection. At that point he went into a sort of mini freak out/melt down. He was very upset, distressed muttering and his limbs were rigid, but he was conscious and aware of me. Weirdly, we had been watching a series on TV about extraordinary dogs, and there had been one about ASD children and Dogs. I sort of recognised it was a melt down and got him downstairs to be with the dogs, which helped calm him.

 

The next day, I looked up the symptoms. I sort of suspected something was 'wrong' for a long time, and even when I met him, I sensed he was wired a bit differently, but we just put it down to very different personalities. Eg, I am a bit loopy, very sociable, quite disorganised, virtually no routines, and I am dyslexic too, although it's mild it makes me forgetful and I don't retain facts and figure in my head, which is why I argue that I have books for that!

 

I said I was a bit messed up, but that's not true. Like you I lost my work, and experienced some very painful months where I couldn't engage with the real world, as I was just too vulnerable. I have had to rebuild myself since that time, and I am still quite 'vulnerable' as such. Not as resilient as I used to be. It's hard going from being a professional, feeling competent, having friends and so on, to being some sort of gibbering wreck that can't talk to people without bursting into tears.

 

As you said about your hubby, DH is very caring in his way, he will provide, make sure there is stability, and has even got to the point that he lets me pick colours and furnishings, whereas before, it was the functionality that was primary, but he's realised that he quite likes the home comforts and so on, which is nice! Silly things like that. One day, we had someone come to meet the dogs, as they were going to look after them. Halfway through the conversation, he just wandered off and started mucking about with his bike, another time I had a friend over, and he disappeared. He had gone to bed. He reappeared later and said it was accidental, but he's actually changed into PJs and got into bed, so I wasn't too sure how accidental that was! Then there are the comments, I can't remember them, thankfully the dyslexia sort of erases them! And he is scared about making decisions re buying a house, or sorting insurance and so on. I have to make the grown up decisions on my own, as he seems to crumble with that. Additionally he finds driving really stressful, as people here in Bristol are nothing short of unpredictable in their driving style!

 

And on top of all this, I love him to bits, because before I met him, I was on a certain path to self destruction, but my relationship with him was so valuable to me, that I felt motivated to sort things out, get professional career, and so on. It is really hard to accept that a: it's not all my fault that he is distant and b: that he's not going to miraculously get better. It's really tough, but thankfully he's willing to learn more, I think because with my mental health problems, I reached out and went to mutual support groups with a local charity, and tried to do things to connect with others, getting my confidence back by volunteering, so he does see that it is possible to learn new skills, which might make the ASD more easy to deal with, especially if he is mildly affected, perhaps it's not so deeply ingrained? Like I said to him, it's a bit of a torture, because he's the one I want to share everything with, to be intimate with, share feelings, good and bad, and for some reason that side doesn't work very well, but it's only him I want to share with, no one else! Like you said, the faithfulness is certainly an asset with DH too, and that helps, as I had bad experiences with that too in the past.

 

Wow, like a mirror. So glad there's someone else out there, in a similar position. Sorry for the novel. It's just really hard to explain it to people who don't 'get it'. Then tell you that you need to make time for eachother! Grrr! But thanks for your response it means alot.

 

Also, if anyone out there does have any suggestions on good books or charities or services, I would be really grateful.

 

Cheerio!

[peony]

Hi there,

 

You are are right with the mirror comment! Would be great to have someone to share with who can empathise. Not being presumptuous but would you mind if I emailed you so as to be able to exchange some ideas and hopefully have some laughs too - in need of those with a like-minded person!

[focusfuture]

Hell, yeah, hon! Defo up for that.

 

I think it's great that we are both trying to make it work with our guys, and loving them!