school playground

[pim]

I'm sure this happens alot, but I am feeling wound up by another mum at school. My ds (almost 4) wanted to play with her son in the playground and runaround with him. He's only 3. But the mum told my ds to 'go away' as she seen me struggle with ds in the playground in the past. So my ds shouts back at her to 'go away' until then ds hadn't done anything wrong. Then later on I don't what happened as they were out of sight, I think the other child might have told ds to go away and then ds hit the child. Before I could do anything the mum had run across the playground and started to shout at ds. At which point I tell her he can't help it he's autistic and I will deal with my son myself. At which point she has a go at me for not looking after my son. I have to see this women twice a day every school day. I still think I'm in the right that she should not have told my son off. But I'm not looking forward to it if ds wants to play or around with her son. What happens then???? Ds is no angel and can be aggressive. But this mum had escalated the situation even before anything had happened.

 

pim

[loulou]

Hi Pim,

 

<'> <'>

 

I can totally empathise with you. Similar things often happened to Kai when he was at school. It's so hard to keep your cool in this sort of situation.

 

Yes, you are right, the other mum should not have told your son off.

 

The other mum was totally in the wrong by telling your son to "go away" in the first place. That's no way to talk to a child. If she carried on shouting at him even after you told her he is autistic, then she is ignorant (sorry, just had to say that).

 

I think you did the right thing, and if i were you i would try not to let it get to you too much. If this sort of thing keeps on happening, then it might be worth talking to the teacher.

 

good luck,

 

Loulou x

[Suze]

OH Pim I,m sorry I hate it when things like this happen.I can,t bear bad feeling ...I had a row not long ago similar to yours.It really upset me.I ended up having a very long chat with the other mum and trying to explain my sons problems and getting her to understand how difficult he finds things and how hard it can be in certain situations.She said she understood and now chats and asks how things are.I,m not sure if it,s genuine but it,s better than having her staring daggers at me ....You could try to chat to this mum and get her on side.....she might dismiss you, in which case she really is a cow and I would,nt think twice just ignoring her completely in future at least you,ll know you made the effort. It just might help to clear the air...As for shouting at your son .......I bet she,ll feel guilty , he,s still so young and knowing you were in the playground she really should have left any disciplining to you.She sounds like she has a bit of a problem. Good luck Pim.

[pim]

Thank-you for your posts. I hate these situations, every-one looking while me and this other mum had a go at each other. It has happened once before and the other mum did come up to me and apologise later on, that was before ds had a dx. But I can't see this happening here. This is a long stabding grudge and she thinks ds is 'naughty and I'm a bad mum.

 

pim

[Suze]

I,M sorry Pim, .........the situation sounds horrid, just know that your not a bad Mum...she does,nt know your circumstances and obviously sits in a very high position being perfect. Hope you have an O.K. time in the playground tomorrow.

[jlp]

Your post made me so cross, as other posters have said it must be nice to be perfect and be able to judge everyone else and their children.

 

She shouldn't have told your son to go away - he's only 3, you don't speak to little ones like that!

 

And her compassion when you told her that your son was autistic! What a b**ch.

 

She obviously has no idea of what you life is like and how much harder it can be made by the likes of her.

 

I know it's hard - I spend hours worrying over things that have happened and what people think myself - but try and write her off, what she thinks doesn't matter one jot.

[Kathryn]

Hi Pim,

 

Do you want me to come and sort her out for you?

 

Nobody should speak to someone else's child like that - I think you showed admirable restraint in dealing with her. She clearly is ignorant and chooses to

remain so - not much you can do about that, except let her know that shouting at your son is not acceptable.

 

Try not to let her wind you up, continue to be civil, and if the children choose to play together, let her be the one to agonise over it, not you.

 

K

[tizzmeclare]

Hi Pim,

 

Just wanted to send you a big hug and warmest wishes...for dealing with this monster mother.

 

My son is now 9, but my first and by far the worst encounter with mothers like this was when he started school. Before he had even reached 5, the mothers had stopped talking to me, had begun to turn their backs and when they did look at me, they used the most horrible facial expressions possible. But the hurt that was to follow, I would not have imagined possible.

 

Once the verbal abuse begun, things became much worse, until I was taken aside by a mother from a different class and informed that the mothers, by this time, well over 20 of them had started a pertition to demand my son's removal from the school. And all led by a parent, who was at the time employed by the school to assist with my son!

 

I cried, I got angry, and tried to deal with the leader. I sought the help of the school ( and to be fair at least the teacher seemed concerned) but the hurt damaged me and my son so much that not long afterwards I removed my son from school and taught him at home. During one conversation with the leader of this pertition, I asked her what my son had done to her daughter? She replied "nothing, but there's something wrong with your kid and we don't want him at our school, near our children".

 

He is now in a different school and I have still not 4 years on, fully got over what happened to us, and I still find it extremely difficult to do the school runs and deal with issues with other parents, what ever they may be, for fear that they are about to become abusive.

 

For quite a while after this incident, I becam so nervous around my son, when we were out the house, that I'm sure it probably damaged our relationship.

 

Anyway, what I wanted to say ( albeit, so long winded - sorry) was that, don't under any circumstance let this mother or any other mother get you down. Don't allow her to make you feel bad about yourself or your son's behaviour. Find what ever way suits you to deal with people like this: talk to her, provide her with information of Autism, ask the head to talk to her, talk it out with others, let her know she's abusing a child with a disability, whatever, you need to do, to unload the burden she's dumped on your shoulders.

 

Sending you warmest wishes and a great big hug <'>

 

Regards, tizz

[jools]

I would definately ask the school to talk to this mother.

she has no right to talk to any young child like that.

[elainem]

Tizz,

 

I am stunned by your story, unfortunately there are some truly horrible people around. I don't know how they sleep at night.

 

Elaine

[pim]

Tizzmeclair, I'm so sorry what happened to you. That is awful.

 

I've been wary about telling people about ds being autistic as I don't want parents to pre-judge my son. But that's already happening. There are a group of parents already who give me looks and I've ignored them for most of the year as ds plays with lots of diferent children. He's active but odd. I do worry and watch ds like a hawk especially when he wants to play with younger children as he is big for his age and he towers over boys his own age. I think younger children are wary of who is this strange boy who wants to play with them. The mums assumed because they see me struggling with him that I can't control him. Maybe I should explain to ds not to play with the smaller children, but ds would find this upsetting and confusing. Obviously some of the other mums don't like my son playing with their children. I find mums who have older boys are alot more accepting. But I will have to stop ds playing with this boy. Luckily it's not often.

 

I feel sad that when he starts school some mums will not want him playing with their children.

 

pim

[lorryw]

Hi guys

I find all of your stories very upsetting and I wish you all the best.

These people are little more than ignorant bullies. I have noticed a lot of stuff in the press lately about the rise in bullying in schools and the possible reasons. I would suggest they look no further than the school gates!

I work in a school and I am frequently shocked at the behaviour of parents. We have had parents actually resorting to physically fighting in the playground resulting in the police being called. Parents form into little cliques and b**ch about other parents its dreadful. i pity the poor children who have to live with these wonderful role models.

Hold your heads high ladies, you have the higher moral ground. They are nothing more than small minded, ignorant bigots and are not worth a second thought.

Love Loraine

[pim]

Hi I'm feeling better now. I had a chat to some other mums, who I know and I was surprised to hear that two of them have had run-ins with her, as she has taken it upon herself to discipline their children. She used to be a teacher. I thought this would have made her more tolerant of childrens behaviour as she would have seen what children can be like. oh well...

 

 

pim

[Guest flutter]

still worth mentioing to the school, so they know what she up to

glad u feeling better

[tizzmeclare]

Hi Pim,

 

Glad to hear that you got some of the stress off your shoulders by talking to other mums. Lets hope that it goes some way to help improve how other parents treat you and your son.

 

I agree with flutter, it is probably wise to approach the school staff about the incident, so that they are made aware...just in case in the future you need their support...and you will already have some evidence in hand.

 

Tizz

 

Thanks all you guys for your words of sympathy and encouragement

[sylv]

Reading your story Pim and tizzmeclare brought memories back to me...

 

My son, growing in another european country till last November was treated like this too....

He even was accused by one mother he was masturbating infront of her girl in school, he was 6 this time...This mother has gone through so many other Mums before I came to know about again through another mum who came to me honestly, not even knowing me or my son personally and telling me the gossip she was spreading.

Her daughter and my son were best friend once, probably because I wasnt becoming her "best" friend, I am very sure....she needed a revenge.

 

I have talked then to their teacher, who laughed at me, he said the kids mostly arent alone and so he would have seen it and the kids used to run to him to tell him when another child did something wrong. I also talked to our GP that time, who was also theirs and he was shaking his head in despair as he was attacked by this woman too....there were lots of other issues going on this time. And our doctor said if N had touched this area then it is completely normal and he said it is bang out of order to accuse a child to something it not even has any clue of.

 

I've actually had different talks, serious ones with this woman. Never she left me or my son alone...much to her despair as she always hoped my son would fail in school he didnt, he always was alright, even when we were 5 weeks in the UK to get married, my husband and I and I was home schooling N, he came back as he never would have been away with excellent results...

 

Before we moved here....she still was/is gossiping, I had done something I think she needed. I told her off infront of different other mothers...she said a time ago "she will eat a broom, when my son passes his year" which he did. I gave her a broom to eat....she was quiet embarrassed and didnt wanted the broom...I then have told her to watch out what she is telling, as that could be sometimes the reason for somebody to get her to court.

 

Unfortunately in that country the police is not able to do something against this kind of harrassment....I am glad we live here now.

 

So you both I exactly know how you might have been feeling...I have learned to turn around to such ignorant people and to tell them, "My son has a medical condition to justify his behaviour and we are getting help, I doubt that ever somebody could help you with your attitude".

 

I am embarrassed too sometimes, when N is acting inappropriate and it is hard for us parents to accept certain behaviour, but we are human beings and I think it is unfair if some of the other parents treat us as our children in an way bang out of order. I hope sometimes the saying is right "What goes around comes around."

 

 

Thanks for letting me rant,

 

 

Take care and <'>

 

SylvX

Edited July 4, 2005 by sylv

[tizzmeclare]

Hi Sylv,

 

Thank you for your kind words and understanding...I think your right...what goes around comes around!

 

tizz