Struggling

[Jade]

Hi all,

 

Haven't posted for a while, although I regularly check the forum. Feel like my problems are not as great as others! I'm struggling right now, though perhaps no more than usual. My son M age 6 is close to having final diagnosis of ASD having seen Clinical Psych and Ed Psych, who recommended school to make an application for an assessment to get a Statement so that he can get the 1:1 learning support that he needs. His father and wife don't accept there is a problem other than attention seeking, and I've had to stop the children going to stay with them following an incident where they punished him for wetting in his pull up nappy before going to sleep by making him sleep in the kitchen all by himself all night. That was 3 months ago and he hasn't even attempted to visit the kids. M doesn't seem bothered, he's happy to be at home and not have the stress of doing the car journey to visit dad, but his sister is stressed and doesn't seem able to talk about it and its affecting her sleep.

 

With summer holidays looming I've taken the plunge and started taking an anti depressant 'citalopram' which is supposed to be good for anxiety (been prescribed this 3 times now but always been too anxious to take it!). Am really hoping this will help, without too many side effects. My daughter and I made a list of some things we could do during the holiday, but M hates going in the car, or even going out at all some days, and I simply run out of energy to make things happen.

 

My days and nights seem to be rolling into one at the moment with the constant stress of dealing with M's obsessive and domineering behaviour and ongoing diagnosis stuff (think i may be obsessed!). He is never asleep before 10 or 11pm and now his sister is up through the night too. The only respite i used to have was when the kids went to their dads, now I don't have any respite at all, the few people I know won't help in a practical way. I'm rubbish at asking for help though, and find social situations extremely stressful (even with people I like I have to get away after 1.5hrs max, after which I feel exhausted and find myself going over everything, worrying that I may have done or said something wrong or offensive).

 

Hope this doesn't come across as too self indulgent. With very few people to talk to I get pretty lonely, and end up over analysing everything.

 

Does anyone else have experience of 'citalopram'?

[darkshine]

With summer holidays looming I've taken the plunge and started taking an anti depressant 'citalopram' which is supposed to be good for anxiety (been prescribed this 3 times now but always been too anxious to take it!).

 

My days and nights seem to be rolling into one at the moment

 

Hope this doesn't come across as too self indulgent.

 

With very few people to talk to I get pretty lonely, and end up over analysing everything.

 

Does anyone else have experience of 'citalopram'?

 

I don't have direct experience but I know 3 people who are/have taken it, and it seems to be a general pick me up sort of tablet, for when people need a bit of help with their mood/stress. From what they say it seems like a relatively good anti-depressant and doesn't seem to have bad effects while taking it or when coming off it (none reported at all with the people I know - although one of them is still taking it).

 

I don't think you sound self-indulgent, from what you have said it sounds like you are being responsible by trying to look after yourself, so that you can do what needs doing in life for yourself and your kids.

 

I know how it feels when days and nights roll into one, and the effects of over analysis, it is very exhausting, hopefully the tablet will work for you and give you a bit of help (like a temporary crutch/pick me up/mood lift etc)

 

Dunno if this helps...

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[bid]

Hi Jade,

 

I took Citalopram a few years ago, and I found it very, very good. The only down side I seem to remember was a little bit of nausea for the first couple of weeks, which is a common side effect as you get used to the meds, but it wasn't anything too awful.

 

I found it got rid of the constant feeling of panic I had. And once that went, I was amazed at how 'used' I had got to feeling like that, and what a wonderful release it was to be free of that feeling.

 

Hope that helps a little.

 

Bid

[baddad]

Hi Jade -

 

Sorry to hear you're having problems, but I can't help wondering if medication is the right way to go if you aren't going to address directly the other issues that are creating the problems your looking to medicate yourself over(?)

 

If your son is being controlling, obsessive and domineering (and even though it might be an oversimplification I wouldn't rule out his father's interpretation of 'attention seeking' as it is a perfectly normal and natural childhood behaviour in such circumstances) and your daughter is now doing the same thing regarding her night time routines then getting those things fixed before starting any medication would seem to be a priority. In fact, if you get those things sorted you may find medication is unnecessary anyway.

 

Either way, taking tablets to reduce your stress levels / anxiety is only one end of a 'treatment' that should also include taking positive action to reduce the things that increase your stress levels and anxiety. While one of the stress factors for you might be 'socialisation' the problem with cutting that out is that it can only lead to further isolation, which is another major cause of your stress, so whatever you lose on that particular roundabout you're going to regain on the swings. Taking control of your son's behaviour, however (and your daughters) is all positive, and is also likely to reassure you regarding your ability to cope in the longer term.

 

HTH

 

L&P

 

BD

[Tally]

I seem to react badly to most antidepressants, but Citalopram was the one that helped me best with anxiety and had the fewest side effects. It can increase anxiety in the first couple of weeks, but this is actually a sign that it is going to work well for you. Don't be put off if you do feel worse for a short while.

[smiley1590]

my mum takes this for depression since my nan died she struggled ....

[darkshine]

I've asked around about this tablet a bit, and it seems to be the current "favourite" for 'mild' depression and mood issues.

 

I think if people use it to help them through a situation then it is fine, and seems to work, but as already pointed out - if the underlying issues that caused the problem aren't dealt with then the situation won't change and the mood/depression will return (or won't go away).

 

Copied from http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/100000520.html

 

How does it work?

Cipramil tablets and drops contain the active ingredient citalopram hydrochloride, which is a type of antidepressant known as a selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitor (SSRI). Citalopram is also available without a brand name, ie as the generic medicine.

 

Antidepressant medicines act on nerve cells in the brain. In the brain there are numerous different chemical compounds called neurotransmitters. These act as chemical messengers between the nerve cells. Serotonin is one such neurotransmitter and has various functions.

 

When serotonin is released from nerve cells in the brain it acts to lighten mood. When it is reabsorbed into the nerve cells, it no longer has an effect on mood. It is thought that when depression occurs, there may be a decreased amount of serotonin released from nerve cells in the brain.

 

SSRIs work by preventing serotonin from being reabsorbed back into the nerve cells in the brain. This helps prolong the mood lightening effect of any released serotonin. In this way, citalopram helps relieve depression, panic and fear.

 

It may take between two to four weeks for the benefits of this medicine to appear, so it is very important that you keep taking it, even if it doesn't seem to make much difference at first. If you feel your depression or anxiety has got worse, or if you have any distressing thoughts or feelings in these first few weeks, then you should talk to your doctor.

[bid]

One thing to consider is the fact that it is very, very difficult to deal with things if you are struggling with anxiety or depression. Sometimes meds are needed to enable you deal with the very things that might have been contributing to the anxiety/depression in the first place.

 

Bid

[baddad]

One thing to consider is the fact that it is very, very difficult to deal with things if you are struggling with anxiety or depression. Sometimes meds are needed to enable you deal with the very things that might have been contributing to the anxiety/depression in the first place.

 

Bid

 

Yes, it is a chicken and egg thing, but very important that chicken and egg are both addressed, as I said.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Jade]

Thanks so much for all your replies, really helpful.

 

I'm not a young mum, my oldest daughter was 20 last month, and the issues i struggle with aren't new. I've had councelling before, and tried to get some before summer hols start but after having one session and due to circumstances i can't get another one for another 3 weeks. Hols start in 4 weeks and I won't have anyone to mind the children for me to continue with it.

 

I did the CAMHS Challenging Behaviour in Children with ADHD/ASD course last year which was a great help. I've been working really hard to reduce M's anxiety which has meant pulling back on certain issues for a while, whilst maintaining strong boundaries, and actually not going to his dads has helped with this. Maybe the boundaries aren't strong enough, I'm doing my best but its hard to keep a perspective on it all when you're struggling. I agree that my daughter is vying for attention. However hard I try to make sure she feels heard and cared for she is a more reserved personality whereas M is the opposite and inevitably she feels like she's missing out. I sometimes wish M had a volume control as he shouts even when he's talking and you have to remind him you're right next to him!

 

I'm trying really hard to take control of my life, which includes standing up to my ex who is controlling and bullying, even though it means I get no break. I'm seeing a solicitor next week so that I know my rights and whats reasonable to expect of him if he does eventually decide he wants to see the children. I'm also trying to establish more of a support network for me and the kids, but as I said, I particularly struggle with this.

 

I only started taking the citalopram 5 days ago, so I guess im going through the initial thing of it making me more anxious/depressed, and yes slightly nauseous. I'm relieved to read your replies, I really need to take the edge off things for a while. My circumstances aren't going to dramatically improve any time too soon, but hopefully it will give me a boost to carry on trying.

Edited June 23, 2011 by Jade

[darkshine]

Good luck Jade

[Sally44]

I'm sorry, but "they made him sleep in the kitchen all night by himself". Because he wet his pull up nappy before going to bed??? What kind of punishment is that??

 

Sorry you seem to have now lost the respite. Do you think this can be resolved? Will the children go back to seeing their father? Can he explain his logic in how he dealt with the wet nappy issue? Is this typical of his kind of behaviour towards disciplining the children?

 

It is also hard to deal with things when you yourself feel very low and worn down and anxious. So I hope you give the medication a go and that it helps. Remember that any medication is supposed to help and it doesn't have to be taken for ever.

 

Have you tried to get any other kind of help or support? Any professional involved with your son could refer him to Aiming High. This has been funded again for this year. Your son could get support from an adult worker who could either sit with him in the house whilst you go out, or he could take your son out to do things he likes to do. Okay, it is only an hour a week. But you could spend that watching a film and relaxing just for that hour. You could also ask your GP to refer him for an assessment by Social Services. You could access Direct Payments and again pay for an adult worker to spend some time with him. Again this might free you up for a few hours a week.

 

Do you get DLA for him? If you do you could use that to employ someone yourself for a few hours a week. If he doesn't get DLA, then find out via citizens advice, who could help you fill it in. Make sure you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to because you can use that money to buy support.

 

Is there a parent support group in your area that meet with their children. Again this would give you some time with other parents in similar situations and would allow your children to meet others.

 

Although your child is domineering, is he quite logical too. Could you sit down with the kids and go over the house rules, explain them and ask if they think they are fair - to make sure that everyone understands and is on-board. Make sure everyone understands what is and isn't acceptable and then stick to it.

 

I've recently kept finding that my son has been turning on his TV in his bedroom at night when he is supposed to have gone to bed to sleep. He had two warnings. I told him that if I found him watching TV at night again I would take his remote off him for the next day. I said that thinking "if I have to do this my life will be hell for that 24 hours". Well he did it again. I took it off him. And he did try to turn it on again - probably just to test me. And I said "you know you are not allowed to watch TV in your bedroom today, so turn it off". And he did. And he was okay with it! I'm not saying I always get this response to houserules, but children need boundaries. We have to make the rules because we are the grown ups. And we make them for a purpose. And we stick to them. And our life is actually easier when we do that. When we are inconsistent the child does not know when to stop pushing the boundary. And if he does go off on one, you just explain to him (having also explained it before any actual event), that when he is really upset or angry that he needs to go to his bedroom to calm down. In that way it removes him and stops both of you sniping at eachother and it spiralling out of control.

 

Try to stay calm and matter of fact about it. If he is getting mad about something try to reflect it back to him by saying something like "I can see that you are really mad/angry/upset about xxxxxx, but the rule is ....... And just remind him what he has to do to get it right. If you think he is struggling with concepts, try to support his understanding if you can. Eg. if he is dominating using the family TV, make a circle and divide it into pieces and each person in the house gets a piece of the pie. Use this to explain that you and your daughter also have a piece of TV time that is when you chose what you want to watch etc.

[Jade]

I asked them very calmly to explain what had happened and his wife explained that she thought the kitchen was safer than the living room because of the gas fire, at which point i became livid!! Both the children were extremely upset by the event and were relieved not to have to go stay there any more. Their dad has written to me to say im short sighted and reactionary. I stopped the kids going over there last year when I found out she hadn't let them in house for several months...Dad had been bedding them down in his car at his field. The only reason I let the kids go over there again was because they assured me that dad would take responsibility for M whilst he was at the house which he clearly didn't. However, as she already had 3 older children, and they have had 3 more babies between them I can understand the situation is stressful all round. I just feel incredibly angry that their dad can be so selfish, and whether he realizes it or not, he's effectively pushed his 1st 2 children with me out. Its probably for the best, I was worn down by the stress of it all, and sick of M being victimized by them.

 

Dad can see the kids, but I'm no longer willing to facilitate it.

 

I have just started getting DLA for M, and carers allowance, so the next step is to work out constructive ways of using it to help me aswell as M. I have a habit of feeling guilty about doing things for myself, but I suppose its no use getting worn out and not looking after myself. Am hoping the anti depressants will give me the lift I need to sort these things out.

 

I do time out with M in his bedroom, especially if he's become extremely angry and or physically violent towards me or his sister (which is much less often than it was). TV in his bedroom lives in the wardrobe on school nights, he's only allowed to watch a film in bed fridays and saturdays. He loves books though and spends hours looking at them every night. He does snap though, even after lots of warnings and use of traffic lights timer. The other day he threw my expensive headphones that i'd got half price and broke them when it was time to go brush his teeth. Lastnight at 11pm when I eventually turned his lamp off and told him to get some sleep he tried to headbut me, I left him to it so he threw everything to hand out of his bedroom door.

 

I guess its the nature of things that kids push boundaries, and its ok to an extent when you feel on top of things, but its exhausting when you aren't.

[Sally44]

Maybe Dad should have the kids when he is going to do something with them, or if they go over they don't sleep over. Sorry but it just sounded a bit strange. If I had kids, nevermind whether they had SEN or not, I would not want them punished by having to sleep in the kitchen, or having to go to sleep in a car in a field. Maybe if it was part of a journey or camping out okay, but this sounds like they are being excluded or treated differently to the other children. And if the kids feel second class too, some of the emotional stuff you are experiencing could be down to that?

 

If you get carers allowance and DLA you can claim for council tax benefit.

 

When he is calm, talk to him, and draw a storyline picture if it helps, to explain that his behaviour is not going to get him what he wants. It will mean he gets a punishment. Tell and show him what he should do. It is okay to get upset/mad or angry about stuff, because that happens to all of us. And when we feel like that this is what we do - and give some examples. But certain behaviour is not allowed. You could do a poster about what is not allowed. It isn't easy. Don't want to sound like I have the answers, because I don't. Just stick with it.