Good Days

[Howlin Mad]

How many good days do you have. The kind where you can stand being in a social situation, like a party or crowded place, when with friends or something. Or when you have to go speak to strangers to get something sorted, without having to "recharge" afterwards.

 

I have about one good day like this a fortnight.

[darkshine]

Less than that for me.... I don't think I ever attend social circumstance without having to recharge afterwards...

[indiscreet]

Less than that for me.... I don't think I ever attend social circumstance without having to recharge afterwards...

 

It's the same with me.

[darkshine]

It's the same with me.

I find this very tiring but am slowly accepting 2 things:

 

1. it might always be this way

2. I might be able to practice more and reduce the exhaustion (but if not refer to point 1.)

[bid]

How about looking at this from a different angle?

 

The huge positive that you did attend the social gathering, even if you did need to recharge afterwards?

 

We can't change the fact we are on the autistic spectrum, but we can change how we think about it.

 

Bid

[darkshine]

How about looking at this from a different angle?

Bid

Are you asking all of us that? Or one of us specifically?

 

I'm doing this at myself but I thought I might as well ask

[Howlin Mad]

1. it might always be this way

It's probably better. I don't think there's anything worse than knowing that, for whatever the reason, you can survive social situations, and ending up in a crowded place trying to make a good impression and being almost catatonic with fear.

 

 

What do you consider recharging, anyway??

Edited July 3, 2011 by Howlin Mad

[darkshine]

It's probably better. I don't think there's anything worse than knowing that, for whatever the reason, you can survive social situations, and ending up in a crowded place trying to make a good impression and being almost catatonic with fear.

I'm nearly ALWAYS catatonic with fear in social situations, but I have learnt to bury it sometimes - its a very hit and miss thing, but there are times when I come across as normal from other people's views (which means that sometimes I obviously succeed at pretending and hiding) the unfortunate part is that I can't just turn this on and off when I want.

 

What do you consider recharging, anyway??

sometimes I'd term it collapsing, shutting down, paralysis of a sort...

 

But in answer to your specific question then for me this would comprise of a few things.

 

I go to my room, I shut the door, I have no resources left for any interaction with people, I often go to sleep because of complete mental, physical and emotional exhaustion (and sleep is the quick fix).

 

If I don't sleep I might play certain music really loud, or sit and do something mundane like looking at a book or something that does not require thinking or reactions.

 

Sometimes I just lay in a ball on the floor, it feels grounding and reliable sometimes...

 

And sometimes I just sit cross-legged on my bed staring into space for a couple of hours

[bid]

Are you asking all of us that? Or one of us specifically?

 

I'm doing this at myself but I thought I might as well ask

 

It was just a general observation.

 

I try to be proud of myself for managing stressful situations and try to see it as a positive. And when I find things very difficult or don't cope I try not to beat myself up about it.

 

Having said all of that, this is a place I have reached after 40-blip years but it's a much more forgiving, accepting place to be and as a consequence I feel I achieve more than I did when I was younger.

 

As for recharging: sleep is a very big one for me. When I was day staff I used to come in from a shift and have to go to sleep straight away as I was so maxed out.

 

I also find sitting on the PC and methodically going through my routines very calming...I look at particular sites in a certain order and in a certain way

 

I'm honestly not trying to be a 'Pollyanna' character but I have genuinely found that being more positive and accepting of myself has had a hugely beneficial impact on my life, achievements and happiness.

 

Bid

Edited July 3, 2011 by bid

[darkshine]

It was just a general observation.

 

 

 

As for recharging: sleep is a very big one for me. When I was day staff I used to come in from a shift and have to go to sleep straight away as I was so maxed out.

 

 

I also find sitting on the PC and methodically going through my routines very calming...I look at particular sites in a certain order and in a certain way

 

 

I'm honestly not trying to be a 'Pollyanna' character but I have genuinely found that being more positive and accepting of myself has had a hugely beneficial impact on my life, achievements and happiness.

 

Bid

Thanks Just wanted to check cuz although I cannot be positive like you, I am definitely trying to be less negative.

[Howlin Mad]

I'm nearly ALWAYS catatonic with fear in social situations, but I have learnt to bury it sometimes - its a very hit and miss thing, but there are times when I come across as normal from other people's views (which means that sometimes I obviously succeed at pretending and hiding) the unfortunate part is that I can't just turn this on and off when I want.

I learned to tune people out, end up staring off into space, and if I can't even do that, I get out as fast as I can. XD

 

 

Recharging is sort of shutting down reality and getting lost in a book or writing or music. Or just wanting to sleeeeeeep. I wanted that last night after a failed attempt to enjoy going to this beer festival, but I ended up watching DVD's.

[indiscreet]

The huge positive that you did attend the social gathering, even if you did need to recharge afterwards?

The huge negative, though, is that it never gets better - at least in my experience. It's not as though attending one social gathering makes going to the next one easier because the stress/anxiety always remains the same. It's like struggling to push an enormous stone to the top of the hill and congratulating yourself on your achievement, only to have to repeat the performance next time.

 

However I agree that from a self-esteem point of view it's better to make the effort if you can.

[Chris P]

I really agree with all of this. I've reached a stage in life when I seem to have less and less energy for social encounters. I can, and have to, push myself beyond the limits to do something specific, but I pay for it after. I've worked for 34 years in a fairly normal way, but have paid a heavy health price in terms of stress and exhaustion.

 

Work is about to cease to be a problem for me as I am about to be pensioned off as too nutty even to be a Vicar! Me and the Other Half are retreating to a cottage and an acre and a half of garden in the depths of Normandy. I have inherited a cider orchard there, and intend to be there for the harvest!

[philtfa]

I have inherited a cider orchard there, and intend to be there for the harvest!

 

It doesn't get any better than that!

[philtfa]

...but to answer the question, rarely.

[darkshine]

It's like struggling to push an enormous stone to the top of the hill and congratulating yourself on your achievement, only to have to repeat the performance next time.

 

However I agree that from a self-esteem point of view it's better to make the effort if you can.

I have almost zero sense of achievement so I don't even get that little bonus (which may or may not be related to low self-esteem

 

The huge negative, though, is that it never gets better

its what I was thinkin jus glad you said it

 

I think the thing that does get better is certain coping mechanisms, acting, and stuff like that, cuz I have improved in certain respects - I don't hide behind people's sofas anymore when visiting people (for example) so there is some degree of "better" but most of it seems to be from the view of other people.

 

I actually felt better when hiding behind the sofa, but other people think it is better that I sit normally and try to listen and talk...

[Jade]

I relate to everything that's been said here, I don't ever enjoy or relax over social events, every one is as hard as the last. I need a lot of solitude anyway, and definately recharge time after social contact where I can just be and not have demands made of me (preferably with a glass of red wine once the kids are in bed!).

 

I saw my GP thismorning and explained to her that I believe I could be Apergers, that I relate to most of what I've read in looking into it for my son. She's going to look into a referral to adult psych for me. At 46 its a revelation to me, that there could be an explanation for why I have found certain things in life so difficult, and still find just as difficult as ever.

[bid]

I think the thing that does get better is certain coping mechanisms, acting, and stuff like that, cuz I have improved in certain respects -

 

I think this is very true. I would say that for me, while the difficulties with social situations, etc, remain unchanged, my ability to cope with them has improved.

 

I also think that having a formal dx was instrumental in enabling me to take a positive approach to my autism. Firstly, the dx was presented very positively to me in my assessment. And then although I certainly went through a profound head-f**k period afterwards as I tried to place the previous 41 years into persepctive within that dx when I didn't feel so positive, once I had worked through all that I have been able to reach a much more balanced place.

 

One other thing I feel is very important: even before my dx, I have always pushed myself to do things out of my comfort zone. Sometimes this has worked, sometimes only partially, sometimes it's been disasterous. But, I think it's always worth trying things, because success or even partial success increases self-confidence, which in turn opens up your world. I was asked twice to go for middle-management promotion at work, and said no, but then changed my mind at the very last minute on the second occasion. I was successful, and although I have had some truly stressful times at work (like the last 6 months) when I have felt I just shouldn't be leading a team of other people, I have plodded on (being pretty bl00dy-minded ) and I am so glad I have done, because I have found that I do have the capability to work through difficult situations, and this has probably been the most defining thing in my life in terms of increasing my self-confidence.

 

However, to be fair, I have to say that while I put all my efforts into my family and my job, I have basically given up on friends (which is not to say I'm not friendly, because I still try my best to be so). But after a life-time of feeling inadequate and dysfunctional with my lack of success, it has been such a relief to take a step back and admit it's not for me.

 

Bid

[bid]

Another thought...

 

I'm sure it's Baddad who has said a number of times that autism is the only disability in which the emphasis appears to be on what we can't do, rather than on what we can do...and by the latter I don't mean savantism/special skills phooey.

 

I think this is absolutely true. One of the disabilities with which I have a great deal of professional experience is severe epilepsy in conjunction with other learning and physical disabilities (actually including autism too). The majority of young people with whom I work all experience life-threatening seizures, but the whole approach is to look at what they can do, e.g. sailing trip on a tall ship, scout camps, sports, etc, etc. This approach is also reflected in organisations like Epilepsy Action. But most importantly, it is reflected amongst the young people themselves.

 

Bid

Edited July 4, 2011 by bid