He just doesnt get it!!!

[soraya]

Hi everyone, bit of advice needed here, Nick is very down at the moment as he has no friends to go out with, we have tried to explain to him that he frightens people away, because as soon as he makes a friend he swamps them with txts, invites out, and generally not leaving them alone!! The trouble is because of a very fragmented education he has had no help with social skills, and he just trys too hard. For example he met a girl a couple of days before valentines day, and he then bought her teddies, chocolates, jewellery and a huge card, this just frightened her off and we had a complete meltdown for a few days. Getting to the point, yesterday he had an interview for college in sept, he got the place which is great and met a girl who is also doing the course, they went for a coffee after and he seems smitten after 4 hours!! he spent most of last night txting her and said " we are going to really go for it and she is coming round here everyday for 2 hours revision when we start!!" . Now if past history is anything to go by Nick will pester this girl all summer to meet him, she will back off and college will be over before its begun :wallbash: I have tried to talk to him about backing off and giving people space, but he will not talk to me or his dad or brothers, he just gets very angry and says we are just trying to spoil things for him He just wants a normal social life but how can we get him to take advice?

By the way, he has been very controlling with friends since a very young boy.

[baddad]

Hi soraya -

 

Is an incredibly difficult one and I don't know any solutions other than to just keep telling him and trying to steer him in the right direction and, ultimately, the 'rote learning' of ongoing rejections by people who back off from his 'full-on' advances. If you can put some 'ground rules' into place that circumvent the problem (i.e. tell him she can only come a couple of nights a week and if she wants he can go to hers a couple of times a week) that might help, but you will be attracting negative attention in your direction as he kicks back against it. You have to weigh up the pros and cons and try to find somewhere in the middle, I guess.

 

If he's been controlling - and got away with being controlling - with friends since he was a little boy then it's going to be hard to turn that around. Has he maintained any friendships, or have they all gone t1ts up because he's tried to control them? If he has maintained any and the dynamics have successfully been shifted to more equal ground then go back through the history of those friendships with him as 'models'. If, as your post suggests, he really hasn't been able to maintain any friendships then you're going to have to look closer to home, because it sounds like his 'controlling' behaviours do work at home, and that's the only model he's got to work with. You and yours have got to stop backing off so you can be there helping him to develop the skills that he needs to stop others from doing so. Ultimately, the place to learn social skills is at home - it's not really the fault of the education system, especially if he wasn't accessing the educational system as a 'reward' for enacting controlling behaviours in the home in the first place.

 

Sorry to offer you a 'new' worry, but there is a second danger to the way he's behaving at the moment, and that if he happens to meet someone who is equally needy (or even worse) but who also lacks the negotiating skills to look beyond their own needs you could find yourself playing piggy in the middle in a turbulent relationship that makes everyone's lives a misery .

 

Hope that's helpful

 

L&P

 

BD

[soraya]

Hi Baddad, thanks for the advice, the trouble with Nick is he just will not listen to anyone, he is so clever and manipulating,i do blame myself for a lot of his behaviours, i have given in because i have tried to compensate that he has such a hard time, it is so hard when your 17 year old is crying because he looks out of the window and sees groups of teenagers just hanging out and having fun, he so wants to be a part of it!! If anyone reading this has young ASD kids, take head and dont give in because you feel so sorry for them, it doesnt work and just causes problems when they are older and stronger.

I did call his bluff last week when he said he was going to kill himself, he got very angry, but he hasnt used that threat since!!

[baddad]

Hi Baddad, thanks for the advice, the trouble with Nick is he just will not listen to anyone, he is so clever and manipulating,i do blame myself for a lot of his behaviours, i have given in because i have tried to compensate that he has such a hard time, it is so hard when your 17 year old is crying because he looks out of the window and sees groups of teenagers just hanging out and having fun, he so wants to be a part of it!! If anyone reading this has young ASD kids, take head and dont give in because you feel so sorry for them, it doesnt work and just causes problems when they are older and stronger.

I did call his bluff last week when he said he was going to kill himself, he got very angry, but he hasnt used that threat since!!

 

Hi again soraya - don't 'blame' yourself, because I think these are mistakes all of us are capable of making - I know I did! The important thing, I think is to cling onto the idea that it's never too late and when the penny does drop to pick up the ball and run with it! (How's that for a mexed mitaphor!) Somewhere on this forum wayyyyy back in the prehistoric posts you'll find posts I made talking about Ben's isolation and 'looking out of the window' and the tears (and tantrums!) we both had over it all... I couldn't do anything about the kids on the patch of grass outside (but having said that I wouldn't have wanted him mixing with them anyway, and that IS me being judgemental for once!) but we just kept banging away at the park and at school and at judo etc etc etc, 'cos that's all you can do.

 

Many kids do 'wake up and smell the coffee' for themselves when they have to, but the key phrase there is when they have to. The earlier we can make them take the 'have to' key the better, and it is hard to see your kid hurting and to feel that hurt for them, but sometimes 'no pain no gain' is the way you have to look at it, and a little bit of prevention early on can save a hell of a lot further down the road.

 

very best with what will undoubtedly be a very difficult bit of negotiation

 

L&P

 

BD

[darkshine]

I would just like to say that this behaviour is best dealt with while he is still young, I am 30 and am now trying to change my own behaviours and it feels very difficult, there is no guidance, no expectation, no input. It all has to come from me.

 

I wish that my parents had helped me deal with certain things when I was younger, as sometimes having that input helps, and of course, I wouldn't have to be dealing with it now

 

It might be hard, putting your foot down while he is this age, but it won't get easier as he gets older so the sooner the better I think.

 

Having said that, I think you can teach an old dog new tricks - it just gets harder and takes a lot more time.

[ScienceGeek]

I agree with the others that putting your foot down and trying to sort this out now will help for the future. Your post brings back memories of my mum struggling with the same things with me. I had so few friends that the one or two that I had I would get obsessed with and ultimately scare them off as it was just too intense for them. My mum set boundaries about how often I could see them, how often they could come to the house etc and it worked. I definitely wasn't happy with her at the time and there was a lot of fights about it, but now I know she just had my best interests in mind. I still struggle with this to a more limited extent now and struggle with knowing how much and how often so tend to veer the other way and get told that I dont contact people enough!

[Sally44]

Does he have any hobbies where he could join a related club? He can't be 24/7 with someone if that time is limited by your rules, and also other commitments.