Is it possible my husband got AS?

[lisa2701]

Hi everyone

 

From very early on in my relationship with my husband I have suspected there was something different about him. We have been married 7 years now and the more and more i am thinking he has AS. Our son was diagnosed with classic autism two years ago at the age of 4, and since then we have been reunited with my husbands father who previously he'd never known. We discovered that ASD and ADHD runs quite heavily in that side of the family. Although I know little about ADHD/ADD of the little I do know it doesn't seem to fit with my husband.

 

Let me give you some examples of the type of things making me suspicious...

 

My husband is:

 

Socially awkward- people find him very difficult to read, he often sits in complete silence giving as short an answer as possible when spoken to. He often comes across as brash and abrupt and VERY often FAR too truthful for his own good (i.e. my sister brings home her new boyfriend for the first time and asked my husband what he thinks of her new boyfriends hair...he had a design shaved in his head... my husband with a deadly straight face replies "its looks stupid"... He doesn't understand why he shouldn't have said this. If he doesn't like someone/or something someone has said he completely withdraws eye contact(he has no idea he's doing this).

 

He lacks any kind of empthay - He would never consider giving me a hug if he were to find me upset and crying, he says crying (even in children) makes him uncomfortable and often irritated/angry. He really struggles to see anything from someone else's point of view and he often gets upset if someone has a different perspective on things.

 

He struggles to recognise his own emotions- he often comes across as angry or in a bad mood but when asked whats wrong he says he's perfectly fine. Even an hour later when he seems fine he will tell you that he's been in a great mood all day.

 

He struggles to sit and have a conversation about things that are not of interest to him. He quite simply finds himself distracted by ANYTHING else in the room. this can even be during important matters such as what has happened at a doctors appointment with our son etc.

 

He is pretty obsessive about computer games, he often stays up late after I have gone to bed so he can have his "computer time" and gets quite anxious if he has to go a number of days without being able to play it. He even wanted to take it on holiday with us, which he didn't but he would have had I been ok with it. He watches games on you tube and talks about them to me on a daily basis. He also LOVES sports.. which is handy as he's got a job working in a book keepers as a deputy manager and with is being sports orientated he loves it.

 

I am sure there are stuff I have missed but you get the idea. i would love your thoughts on if you think it is worth perusing an assessment or am I way off base do you think?

 

Would love your thoughts

 

Lisa xxx

Edited August 11, 2011 by lisa2701

[darkshine]

What does he think?

[lisa2701]

He's not sure. He is happy enough to go to the doctors and ask for an assessment but he doesn't know a great deal about ASD/AS. He knows what he has to for our son but ultimately I am left to deal with the doctors and schools and he trusts my opinions and thoughts on any matters to do with our son ( he see's me as more "qualified" as I have done studies at uni on Autism). He also feels I am better at dealing with it all and he has been known to misread a situation. He feels out of his depth with it all and so doesn't know what to think about the possibility of him having AS. I think he struggles to see himself as possibly having AS as he has gotten to 27 without a diagnosis, he holds down a job and has a family. But it took him a long time to find a job he could settle in and our relationship has been very strained at times due to his lack of understanding of emotions, ability to understand why others might feel differently to him and the fact he struggles to understand how autism effects our son and so sometimes expects our son to be able to behave in ways that is not always possible.

 

Sorry, rambling a bit.

 

Lisa x

[darkshine]

I never mind a good ramble myself

 

I just asked because I am very cautious of advising anyone on things like this - but at the same time I was curious - has he browsed through the national autistic society website at all? It helped me understand certain things a little better (although this was after diagnosis and not before) but if he's willing to look it might help him to ascertain whether he feels this could be applicable to him.

 

I think the danger here is that with the family history - and your knowledge - it could be that this could be as minor as him showing certain traits to him actually having asperger's and that's a big difference and it may take a litle unravelling as to what is what (i.e communication difficulties like you described can occur with anyone - and they can be problematic for anyone, but when its really impeding on your life it needs addressing)

 

If he needs to know more the website on the link at the bottom of my reply is really clear (which could be a two-fold thing about him learning more to understand your son as well) then he could essentially learn, while at the same time considering whether any of the info applies to him and see what comes of that.

 

I've attached a link for convenience

 

N.A.S

 

Hope this helps

 

Darkshine

[lisa2701]

Thank you for your reply darkshine,

 

Unfortunately my hubby isn't one for reading, he says he can't take it in. I can, at a push, get him to watch documentaries, movies etc about autism but of course they all depict autism as your more classic and usually pretty severe so it doesn't help in his case. If there are any that you are aware of that may be of use then I would love to get him to watch things. Like I said, before autism/aspergers/ADD came into our lives I already thought there was something different about him. His own mother told my mother that she wished me luck as he's an extremely difficult person to live with, which to be fair, he is. His "traits", weather is be AS traits, or personality traits have put a huge strain on our relationship over the years, and it has taken me a long time to really get to know him. I totally hear what you are saying about sometimes with a little knowledge we can see things in people that we could think of as being AS when infact it is not, However, my mother (who to be fair is also knowledgeable about ASD and has done same studies as myself) also believes that my husband could be on the spectrum. Obviously I acknowledge that IF he is then it is a mild form of AS, rather than anything more severe. I do know that my husband had to have speech therapy as a child, for what reason, I am unsure.

 

Unfortunately my husbands dry sense of humour, abruptness and honesty means that most people do not know how to take him. He has no friends (literally), his work colleges seem to get on with him but it has taken a long time for him to establish these relationship. He has worked for the company for four years, and its only in the last 9 months has he settled into a team (he has been moved shops etc due to not fitting in with teams). He doesn't speak to any of his family on his mothers side, including his mother. It is all or nothing with my hubby and after an argument 2 years ago my husband cut all ties with his mother. Although he occasionally speaks to his dad or family member on that since it was probably about 6 months ago that he last seen any of them as he doesn't like visiting people. . He doesn't enjoy visiting my family at all and when he does he often sits in silence and makes it perfectly clear via expressions/body language that he does not want to be there, he claims to be unaware that he is coming across as such. The only people he will visit is my best friend and her fiancée, however, again this has taken a LONG time to establish a friendship between them, it was only last year that he "accepted" her as such. He didn't want to know her before that, but she started coming around the house more about a year ago and so he was kind of forced to get to know her as she'd be here when he got in from work etc.

 

When my son was younger he used to be DAFT on thomas the tank, he had every dvd, a massive track and all the trains. Due to my husband and son having a poor relationship I used to encourage my husband to play trains with my little boy. He would refuse to play trains as he (my husband) didn't like trains, so why would he play with them??? Maybe if my son wanted to play something he liked then he'd play with him. It sounds AWFUL to actually put that down but he just couldn't understand that it wsan't about him, it was about building a relationship with my son. This is a man who can run a busy high street shop but can't understand the concept of using play to build a relationship with a child, especially if it means playing with something that has no interest to him.

 

I know no one on here can diagnose my hubby but the more I write the more I am convinced that we should at least ask for an assessment?

[littleplum]

I know no one on here can diagnose my hubby but the more I write the more I am convinced that we should at least ask for an assessment?

Do you think your husband would feel better about himself if he received a diagnosis of AS? Is he puzzled or concerned about his behaviour? Would he cooperate with any treatment programme that might follow a diagnosis?

 

Ultimately it is up to him to pursue this. He is a very fortunate man to have such a considerate and loving wife. Perhaps if he realised that your happiness and that of his son depends on him getting to grips with the traits you describe, he might be more willing to seek the help he needs.

[baddad]

Hi Lisa -

 

Whether your husband has AS or not is one thing, but the fact that you are ascribing every negative you feel about him to AS is another. Most of the 'symptoms' you describe are precisely the things that women have found problematic about men in their relationships since erm, forever - doesn't 'connect' emotionally or seem to recognise the needs of others, quite selfish about own pursuits (or 'hobbies') but reluctant to engage in family stuff, reluctytant to talk about problems etc etc. There is an growing trend, and a growing industry, surrounding fairly casual diagnosis of Aspergers' or 'High Functioning Aspergers' that takes these fairly standard moans and groans women have about men and then suggests that rather than being biological and psychological differences between men and women there is some sort of flaw that makes the man 'broken' and unreasonable and the woman his hapless and helpless victim.

 

All popular 'self help' books addressing relationships will highlight exactly the kind of issues you have raised. One very popular one from the 90's was "Men are from mars, women are from venus", and it described almost all of the 'symptoms' you've described in the most general way and without mentioning autism or ASD whatsoever. There are similar books about cats (women) and dogs (men) and all sorts of other variations on the same theme.

 

Please understand, I'm not in any way saying that your husband doesn't or can't have AS or ASD - I couldn't possibly know - but the symptoms you are describing - basically selfishness/rudeness/lack of consideration etc - are not AS, and would apply to huge numbers of men if you asked the women they were married to/lived with to describe the 'problems' in their relationships. While historically western women have been subjected to all sorts of assumptions based on their natural behaviours (hysterical, neurotic, pre-menstrual, 'the vapours' etc) women today would find it hugely offensive to be thought of as in some way 'damaged goods' purely for behaving like women often do, and having male value judgements made about them for doing so...

 

The important question, I think, is has he changed fundamentally since you got married, or have the lack of consideration/emotional support etc always been a factor in your relationship? If he has fundamentally changed, then by definition you can't be looking at autism - a lifelong disability that would have affected him then as much as it does now, and that if he was successfully able to 'negotiate' then he would still be able to negotiate if he wanted to. If he hasn't changed, then the real problem is how you now come to perceive him and changes in your expectations of him, which again, isn't 'autism' regardless of whether he is or isn't somewhere on the spectrum.

 

I think you also need to ask yourself where you were, emotionally, seven years ago, when despite warnings from his own mother about how 'difficult' he could be and the negative responses of all your friends & family who found/find him socially inept, rude, abrupt, inconsiderate etc you continued to pursue a relationship that to most outsiders would have looked like a non starter?

 

With regard to your son, there can be all sorts of reasons why men may have very different relationships with their children than their wives have. Parents may also have very differing views on what a child can achieve, what expectations would be reasonable or realistic, what the child needs and how the child is disciplined. In our society, of course, it will almost invariably be mums who take the lead in those things (it might, indeed, be almost impossible within the family dynamic for dad to exert any sort of influence whatsoever), but it doesn't necessarily mean mum is getting it right, as any of those parenting programmes on TV will only too clearly demonstrate! If your husband did get a dx of AS (and believe me, regardless of whether he is or isn't he would, these days, if you pursued it vigorously enough), it would probably make the situation with your son worse, because every time you and your husband disagreed the 'default' positions would be his diagnosis reinforcing your existing belief that he either 'can't see' your son's needs or is 'in denial' about them. that would probably apply to many other areas of your relationship too, making it ultimately a very unequal one.

 

Hope that's helpful even though probably not what you hoped for.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Oh - one final bit of 'cod psychology' along the lines of women are from venus etc... It IS a cliche, but like most has a very sharp observation at its root:

 

The trouble with relationships is that women think men will change, and they don't, while men think women won't change, and they do...

[Lynden]

The things you describe could be AS, they could just be how he behaves. It's difficult to know. My husband has AS traits (we thought that even before we had L) and it's likely if he went for diagnosis he would receive one and his parents have also said if they had known more about its likely he would have been diagnosed when young. However, the compromises we both make in our relationship (it's just as challenging for him to be with an over-emotional woman lol) we would make with or without a diagnosis - and a diagnosis wouldn't make any difference to his or our lives.

 

What do you think diagnosis would bring to him or your relationship?

 

Lynne

Edited August 12, 2011 by Lynden

[Suze]

I would look at it in a way that yes he has got to 27 without needing a diagnosis.Your sons diagnosis of autism obviously flagged up some thoughts you had over your husbands personality, and if this gives you a greater understanding of how he behaves in situations it can only be a good thing.If your husband was becoming depressed or anxious about how he is , or he was having greater debilitating symptons that could have roots in ASD then I would say yes think about an assessment.For now I would just discuss your thoughts with your husband understand that he is who he is regardless.Best wishes suzex.

[Lynden]

 

The trouble with relationships is that women think men will change, and they don't, while men think women won't change, and they do...

 

This is so true! lol

[Pancakemaker]

I think it could be a bloke thing,mine loves computer games,he can play them for HOURS on end,and is obsessive about football.you gotta love 'em!

[darkshine]

I know no one on here can diagnose my hubby but the more I write the more I am convinced that we should at least ask for an assessment?

Hello again - I'm not quoting all of what you said because you very astutely got what I was struggling to say or not say it can be very awkward sometimes when seeking information on another person's behalf and I didn't want to just say "oh well your forcing him into a box" because I sense that you aren't just looking into this for yourself.

 

At the same time because your enquiring on someone's behalf it seems to generate a lot more questions

 

If you believe that him finding out a bit more would help your family dynamic by using the understanding to try and meet in the middle then it's worth looking into a few things - its very tricky because if he doesn't have AS then can you cope with him as he is without that label?

 

I know diagnosis is not an excuse but sometimes having that reason helps us to process things sometimes (so that's why he does that kinda thing) - but it has to be a reason and not an excuse - and certain behaviours can change but would he and you be prepared to look into ways of overcoming some of the more problematic behaviours whether or not he has AS? because he would have to be in agreement or nothing would change, and that list aint no easy list in some ways and certain things would take effort and support (I feel this again whether AS applies or not).

 

Either way it can be a little scary because of having to either accept he has some kind of problem, or that its just how he is...

 

I haven't seen any films about AS so you'll have to throw that one out to the boards and see what comes back - but there's probably stuff on youtube but as to the quality and accuracy of the stuff on there I could not say (hit and miss perhaps)

 

The final thing I'd say here would be that if it were me, and I was seeking a diagnosis I'd potentially go about it in a reverse way - a lot of doctors don't seem to like being told things so if it were me I'd consider doing it a 'lets eliminate things from a list way' as opposed to 'we think he has AS so can you test him' way - but that might be just me and I might be wrong - but at least it would put a different slant on it, give the pro's their ego, and hopefully give you some answers in the process without seeming like you are wanting to put him in that box.

 

Hope this helps

 

Darkshine

[cmuir]

Hi

 

My son's consultant is a Professor who specialises in neurodisability which includes autism. Within her field she is highly respected and is proactive in research etc. She advised that there are a lot of instances whereby after the diagnosis of a child, that the father of that child is recognised to have an ASD. There are a number of reasons for this: mainly because 20/30/40+ years ago, a lot less was known about ASDs and so few were diagnosed; it's only after going through the diagnostic process with the child, that families realise the same traits and characteristics are recognised in the father. It is also recognised that ASDs can run in families and so there can be a clear genetic link (but not always).

 

I note one post suggests you establish whether your husband has changed ... whilst I can see the train of thought behind that, I'm not sure that would make things any clearer for one of the aforementioned reasons (some families don't realise that e.g. the father has an ASD until the child has been diagnosed, also, courting, getting married, having children, can bring about change all the time and sometimes make traits more obvious thus resulting in sudden change when one isn't coping as well as normal).

 

In short, it is possible that your husband has AS based on the fact that there can be a genetic link. The only way to find out is for him to be assessed.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

[baddad]

 

I note one post suggests you establish whether your husband has changed ... whilst I can see the train of thought behind that, I'm not sure that would make things any clearer for one of the aforementioned reasons (some families don't realise that e.g. the father has an ASD until the child has been diagnosed, also, courting, getting married, having children, can bring about change all the time and sometimes make traits more obvious thus resulting in sudden change when one isn't coping as well as normal).

 

In short, it is possible that your husband has AS based on the fact that there can be a genetic link. The only way to find out is for him to be assessed.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

 

 

Hi CMuir - I don't think anyone ruled out the possibility that the OP's husband could have AS, just that the 'symptoms' described can have all sorts of other explanations, and that dx would be something of a moot point anyway.

Yes, people can and do change over time for all sorts of reasons, but the reason it is relevant is because it establishes whether someone has 'changed' through circumstance/inclination. If it is being said now that behaviours can't be helped (are beyond the control of the person enacting them) but these behaviours weren't apparent 7 years ago or could be controlled then that's a 'progressive' problem and by definition can't be autism. Whether it's a 'co-morbid' or not is a different question, but assuming a co-morbid without considering plain old everyday disinclination or lack of consideration/willingness to compromise (which is what happens in most relationships over time) is, IMO, very shortsighted.

 

L&P

 

BD

Edited August 13, 2011 by baddad

[lisa2701]

Thank you for all your replies,

 

I am not going to try and reply to each person individually as I am overwhelmed and grateful with the amount of replies I have received.

 

To pick up on a few things though; my husband has pretty much always been this way. As previously mentioned I have suspected from a very early stage (within 3 months of meeting my husband) that there was something different about him, this was even before my son was diagnosed with autism or we learned about the huge family history of it (MOST males in the last 2 generations, in other words my husbands generation and our sons generations, of my husbands fathers side is either diagnosed with ADD/ADHD or aspergers. Our son is the first to be diagnosed with classic autism). Yes, my son being diagnosed has opened my eyes to this being a possibility for my husband but not because I am looking for a label and the shoe fits, but because my perception of autism/aspergers has GREATLY changed since my sons diagnosis. Before my son's diagnosis I knew NOTHING about autism other than the severe cases you see documented on TV and i have obviously come to realise that its not always this case. Things have maybe changed here and there in our relationship, the extreme's of a behaviour, how he copes with them etc. My husband and I have worked very hard over the years through counselling, talking, and putting strategies in place to try find some compromise in our relationship, some things has gotten better and others not so much. I know most of what i describe is "typical" womens moans, but the behaviours I talk about are not "typical" in anyway. It is hard to describe and no doubt without seeing it for yourself it it hard to imagine.

 

Despite everything I have written being negative, my husband does have some very good qualities. He is very supportive in ways other than emotional. I have a condition that leaves me with poor mobility, wide spread pain, and extreme fatigue (some days are better than others). Despite working full time my husband does most of the chores around the house ( I do what I can when i can), he acts as a constant reminder for me of appointments, events or medication, and he will take time off work to come to appointments with me if I have no one else that can come (he is a great physical support). I know i may have come across as being negative about him, it was not intended this way; despite being somewhat anti social with those he doesn't know well he is a good man towards my son and I. He lacks the emotional understanding of people, and being a highly emotional person myself I find this particularly difficult to cope with.

 

Before my son's diagnosis I was struggling with his behaviour, embarrassed when out in public by his outbursts, and struggling to cope with them when at home. Discovering that my son has autism was life changing for me, and him no doubt (as his mum started coping betteR). Over night (literally) I began to cope. I could understand why he behaved in such ways, implement strategies to cope with them that were more helpful and specific to my son and I was able to learn to ignore the ignorance of those while we were in public thus I am no longer embarrassed or fearful of getting out and about with him. I know when has outburst it is not personal to me, he doesn't hate me or want to make life difficult, he can't control it, and that allows me to stay completely calm in situations of meltdowns and deal with them in a much more constructive and helpful way (obviously I didn't understand about meltdowns before diagnosis). Due to MY understanding of him getting better he has went from having daily (sometimes 3x daily) meltdowns to rarely having them. I feel that this could be the same for my husband. It is not that I think I would "excuse" behaviours that I currently find hurtful or upsetting, but I could understand them better and I wouldn't be hurt by them as I would know its not a personal thing.

 

All this being said, I am completely open to the idea that my husband may not have AS. Maybe its something else....maybe its nothing at all. I would like to see him assessed but if it came back that he does not have AS I would not demand a second opinion and push for a diagnosis as if there is no medical reason behind his behaviour I want to hold him accountable for that! Sounds bad i know, but yes, my expectations of my husband would be completely different if there was a medical reason behind his behaviour as supposed to if there is no reason behind it.

[baddad]

I would like to see him assessed but if it came back that he does not have AS I would not demand a second opinion and push for a diagnosis as if there is no medical reason behind his behaviour I want to hold him accountable for that! Sounds bad i know, but yes, my expectations of my husband would be completely different if there was a medical reason behind his behaviour as supposed to if there is no reason behind it.

 

 

Hi again Lisa - The point I was trying to make (and others too, I think?) is encapsulated within the above: Your expectations change completely depending on whether he is AS or not, and they really shouldn't...

 

If your partner has always been the way he is and genuinely can't change, it doesn't matter if those things are AS related or not - it would still be totally unreasonable of you to move the goalposts after all these years and start expecting him to do things he can't do. There are all sorts of other reasons why people may be socially phobic, socially inept, emotionally withdrawn etc, and those reasons can be equally as 'valid' as when those behaviours are enacted by someone with autism. On the other hand, if he can change, then lowering expectations that he does so purely on the basis that he's been given a bit of paper with 'autism' written on it is equally unreasonable, and patronising to boot! In essence, he is who he is, which from the sound of it is pretty much the same person you met 7 years ago and chose to be with.

 

Trying to put that into perspective: You have said you are a 'highly emotional' person and he isn't, and you find that difficult to cope with. He might equally, and with equal validity, find your 'heightened emotions' difficult to cope with, but you'd probably think he was being unreasonable if he were to suggest that you were somehow 'faulty' and in need of a diagnosis to justify being that way.

 

The comparison you make with your son is equally a very unfair one, because your son's behaviours are nowhere near as ingrained as your husband's (whether 'as' connected or not), and the behavioural issues with your son were clearly ones you didn't anticipate as a parent, you were just landed with them. But you chose your husband; you accepted those behaviours as part of the 'package' of who he was pretty much from the outset and elected to marry and have a family with him. He didn't 'develop' these problems (which is, effectively, how you became aware of your son's), they were part of the man you chose to be with in the same way that your heightened emotions/needs were part of the person he chose.

 

[i would add, BTW, that lowering expectations because you've found out your son has AS will probably be a self-fulfilling prophecy, and not getting 'upset' about behaviours that are unreasonable will only enable him in being disabled...]

 

Finally, I would add that all succesful relationships rely on compromise. It does sound, from what you've described, that your husband is 'delivering' in ways that many, many blokes possibly wouldn't or couldn't. You've said you've had lots of counselling etc in the past and that hasn't resolved all your problems... would I be right in guessing that the problems it hasn't resolved are precisely the ones you are now wanting to ascribe to autism? And wouldn't that, by implication, put the 'blame' on him, regardless of whether that was an accurate conclusion or not? That's pretty harsh, isn't it?

 

If you're genuinely convinced that in your own head you would be more accepting and tolerant of your husband if he had AS then just assume he is. No need for a dx, no need to tell anyone else (unless you're embarrassed by him and want the dx as a foil for that), no need even to tell him. Just flick the switch in your head and do it.

 

But IMO that's not what it should take to accept him for who he is, enjoying the good bits and working to find a middle ground on the bits that aren't so good. To do that, you have to accept that his way of 'being', whether autistic or not, is no less valid than yours, and equally important in terms of his emotional well-being (whether he shows it or not!).

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[darkshine]

Hi Lisa,

 

I understand how hard this is to describe, there is so much to say, and a balanced view is important, but at the same time there are key points you want to discuss.

 

If your gut instinct (both of you) is that a diagnosis might help then follow that instinct.

 

I would just add that this struck a cord with me

 

If you're genuinely convinced that in your own head you would be more accepting and tolerant of your husband if he had AS then just assume he is. No need for a dx, no need to tell anyone else (unless you're embarrassed by him and want the dx as a foil for that), no need even to tell him. Just flick the switch in your head and do it.

 

But IMO that's not what it should take to accept him for who he is, enjoying the good bits and working to find a middle ground on the bits that aren't so good. To do that, you have to accept that his way of 'being', whether autistic or not, is no less valid than yours, and equally important in terms of his emotional well-being (whether he shows it or not!).

 

Any relationship requires this middle ground to be met and from what you've said you and your husband have obviously worked hard at making things work - and also from what you've said I think you'd be willing to do a little more (or a lot as the case may be).

 

I'd like to think that if it were me, that me and my partner would be able to come to some agreements about which behaviours definitely need addressing, which behaviours I really can't help, and which I could change and whether that would be with or without help.

 

Also a honest review of which things would require me and the other half to work on together (i.e them realising what they/you do to exacerbate things/handle things differently - as you learned with your son and meltdowns for example)

 

I don't know if any of this helps but I hope that it does

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[lisa2701]

Baddad - I am fully aware that there are reasons beyond autism that may cause social difficulties. I myself suffer from severe social anxiety that has had a huge impact upon my life. As such I found it extremely anxiety inducing to post on this forum. I am struggling slightly with your tone, weather meant of not I am feeling as though I am being negatively judged here.

 

i am not going to sit here and try to respond to your reply fully as I am getting myself upset over it. All I will say is that in NO way do i "disable" my son, I support him in every way, give him every opportunity I can give him and push him to be the best version of HIM that he can be! My expectations of my son are actually very high, I expect him to behave, be polite and do his best in school. However... when my son has a meltdown, they are really bad and he is highly aggressive during a meltdown, but there is no way I would discapline him for this as I can see for myself that he is not in control or even aware of what he is doing. If he is ever aggressive just out of naughtiness (which he has done) I can assure you he is disciplined for it. Weather we like it or not, there are "some" things that we have to make allowances for or change our expectations for, that is not disabling our children but accepting they have different needs/abilities to our own! Equally... my son is 6 and could read any book you or I could read and his maths skills are fabulous, thus, these are skills I have encouraged and spent many hours developing with my son.

 

As for my husband I have stood by him through thick and thin, and I love him no matter what. I just would like to know how to support him best! You are wrong to assume that the counselling my husband and I went through didn't work, or that the issues we are facing were what we attended counselling for. In fact counselling was highly successful and we fully resolved the issues we were facing. My husband and I are in fact the happiest we have ever been and our relationship is strong, I do not wish to change him, merely be able to support him and understand him better as he does me.

 

In my opinion a persons expectations are going to change if there is a medical reason for a behaviour or condition. It would be ridiculous for my husband to expect me to be able to do a lot of physical activity as I am now unable to do it. When we met I used to be VERY active (owned horses) .... thus his expectations of me have had to change over the years due to my condition!

 

Darkshine - Thanks you for all your replies, and advice. It is much appreciated. I am sure my husband and I will manage to find "common ground"... assessment/dx or not.

 

I am just going to end it there as I am actually frightened to say the wrong thing and have already said more than I had planned.

[Suze]

I think it might be constructive at this point for some of us to try to be a little less strong in our opinions /posts,( thats not to say everyone should,nt have a chance to express their valid opinions)....but sometimes posts can come across as strong and direct in nature.I think its worth remembering that the OP ,S son was dx only a yr ago and alot of this is still new.I on the other hand am an old hand at this autism stuff and my son was dx 10 yrs ago.In this time I,ve had alot of discussions and debates on the forum and have slowly learned and ascertained the different ways of coping day to day....its a big learning curve my son is 16 now and becoming an adult lots of scenarios are arising and coping with them is difficult.It can be very hard opening up and asking for help on a public forum, lets give newer members the chance to develop and feel their way through this , we are all of us learning at every stage how autism effects us ...wether we have young kids or are adults seeking a dx.......lets try to be welcoming ...

[baddad]

Baddad - I am fully aware that there are reasons beyond autism that may cause social difficulties. I myself suffer from severe social anxiety that has had a huge impact upon my life. As such I found it extremely anxiety inducing to post on this forum. I am struggling slightly with your tone, weather meant of not I am feeling as though I am being negatively judged here.

 

i am not going to sit here and try to respond to your reply fully as I am getting myself upset over it. All I will say is that in NO way do i "disable" my son, I support him in every way, give him every opportunity I can give him and push him to be the best version of HIM that he can be! My expectations of my son are actually very high, I expect him to behave, be polite and do his best in school. However... when my son has a meltdown, they are really bad and he is highly aggressive during a meltdown, but there is no way I would discapline him for this as I can see for myself that he is not in control or even aware of what he is doing. If he is ever aggressive just out of naughtiness (which he has done) I can assure you he is disciplined for it. Weather we like it or not, there are "some" things that we have to make allowances for or change our expectations for, that is not disabling our children but accepting they have different needs/abilities to our own! Equally... my son is 6 and could read any book you or I could read and his maths skills are fabulous, thus, these are skills I have encouraged and spent many hours developing with my son.

 

As for my husband I have stood by him through thick and thin, and I love him no matter what. I just would like to know how to support him best! You are wrong to assume that the counselling my husband and I went through didn't work, or that the issues we are facing were what we attended counselling for. In fact counselling was highly successful and we fully resolved the issues we were facing. My husband and I are in fact the happiest we have ever been and our relationship is strong, I do not wish to change him, merely be able to support him and understand him better as he does me.

 

In my opinion a persons expectations are going to change if there is a medical reason for a behaviour or condition. It would be ridiculous for my husband to expect me to be able to do a lot of physical activity as I am now unable to do it. When we met I used to be VERY active (owned horses) .... thus his expectations of me have had to change over the years due to my condition!

 

Darkshine - Thanks you for all your replies, and advice. It is much appreciated. I am sure my husband and I will manage to find "common ground"... assessment/dx or not.

 

I am just going to end it there as I am actually frightened to say the wrong thing and have already said more than I had planned.

 

 

Hi lisa -

 

I'm not going to respond in any great detail to your post as I think whatever I say you will interpret it as some sort of negative judgement, but I will quickly point out that whatever the changes in your medical condition and any changing expectations this would not - as I have explained a couple of times now - be relevant to your husband's 'autistic tendencies' unless he happens, against all medical odds, to have developed autism over the past seven years.

 

as far as the counselling etc went you posted that:

 

My husband and I have worked very hard over the years through counselling, talking, and putting strategies in place to try find some compromise in our relationship, some things has gotten better and others not so much.

and you are posting about difficulties within your relationship. If I've in any way misunderstood that by interpreting that 'counselling etc in the past...hasn't resolved all your problems', I'm at a loss to understand how that is my error, or why it was negatively judgemental to point it out.

 

I'm sorry I responded to your request for advice by offering advice that you didn't want to hear, but to be honest I can't see where that advice is flawed. If anyone else can, and can explain it in a way that shows the flaws rather than just generally disagreeing because it's not what they wanted to hear i'd be grateful

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[baddad]

Baddad - I am fully aware that there are reasons beyond autism that may cause social difficulties. I myself suffer from severe social anxiety that has had a huge impact upon my life. As such I found it extremely anxiety inducing to post on this forum. I am struggling slightly with your tone, weather meant of not I am feeling as though I am being negatively judged here.

 

i am not going to sit here and try to respond to your reply fully as I am getting myself upset over it. All I will say is that in NO way do i "disable" my son, I support him in every way, give him every opportunity I can give him and push him to be the best version of HIM that he can be! My expectations of my son are actually very high, I expect him to behave, be polite and do his best in school. However... when my son has a meltdown, they are really bad and he is highly aggressive during a meltdown, but there is no way I would discapline him for this as I can see for myself that he is not in control or even aware of what he is doing. If he is ever aggressive just out of naughtiness (which he has done) I can assure you he is disciplined for it. Weather we like it or not, there are "some" things that we have to make allowances for or change our expectations for, that is not disabling our children but accepting they have different needs/abilities to our own! Equally... my son is 6 and could read any book you or I could read and his maths skills are fabulous, thus, these are skills I have encouraged and spent many hours developing with my son.

 

As for my husband I have stood by him through thick and thin, and I love him no matter what. I just would like to know how to support him best! You are wrong to assume that the counselling my husband and I went through didn't work, or that the issues we are facing were what we attended counselling for. In fact counselling was highly successful and we fully resolved the issues we were facing. My husband and I are in fact the happiest we have ever been and our relationship is strong, I do not wish to change him, merely be able to support him and understand him better as he does me.

 

In my opinion a persons expectations are going to change if there is a medical reason for a behaviour or condition. It would be ridiculous for my husband to expect me to be able to do a lot of physical activity as I am now unable to do it. When we met I used to be VERY active (owned horses) .... thus his expectations of me have had to change over the years due to my condition!

 

Darkshine - Thanks you for all your replies, and advice. It is much appreciated. I am sure my husband and I will manage to find "common ground"... assessment/dx or not.

 

I am just going to end it there as I am actually frightened to say the wrong thing and have already said more than I had planned.

 

 

Hi lisa -

 

I'm not going to respond in any great detail to your post as I think whatever I say you will interpret it as some sort of negative judgement, but I will quickly point out that whatever the changes in your medical condition and any changing expectations this would not - as I have explained a couple of times now - be relevant to your husband's 'autistic tendencies' unless he happens, against all medical odds, to have developed autism over the past seven years.

 

as far as the counselling etc went you posted that:

 

My husband and I have worked very hard over the years through counselling, talking, and putting strategies in place to try find some compromise in our relationship, some things has gotten better and others not so much.

and you are posting about difficulties within your relationship. If I've in any way misunderstood that by interpreting that 'counselling etc in the past...hasn't resolved all your problems', I'm at a loss to understand how that is my error, or why it was negatively judgemental to point it out.

 

With your son, I made a passing observation about lowered expectation and autism. I'm sorry, but i stand by that too. I think if your son enacts violent, aggressive behaviours and you do not sanction them he will continue to enact them. I have never seen any dynamic where that's not the case, be the aggression labelled 'meltdown' or anything else, and whether enacted by an autistic child, a neurotypical child or even one of the many, many adults who grow up with the belief that it is okay to behave aggressively and abusively towards others who will make themselves victims for them.

 

I'm sorry I responded to your request for advice by offering advice that you didn't want to hear, but to be honest I can't see where that advice is flawed. If anyone else can, and can explain it in a way that shows the flaws rather than just generally disagreeing because it's not what they wanted to hear I'd be grateful

 

 

L&P

 

BD

[lisa2701]

It is not that I did not want to hear your advice but merely that I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I am being negatively judged for wanting to peruse a dx. Perhaps I have communicated poorly my thoughts and perceptions, perhaps I have misunderstood your replies. Either way, I feel this thread has gone as far as it should.

 

I came to ask a simple question: does the symptoms fit, thus should we request an assessment by a person qualified to determine if my husband does have AS or doesn't. I was not asking people to analyse WHY we wanted to peruse an dx and judge me as a wife. If there is no point in assessments or dx's then whats the point in having them?

 

Suze - Thank you. I think you make a valid point regarding strong opinions. Unfortunately I think the ship has sailed on me feeling welcomed and having been a previous lurker I will return to doing so. Thank you none the less.

 

Lisa x

[lisa2701]

Hi Lisa -

 

Whether your husband has AS or not is one thing, but the fact that you are ascribing every negative you feel about him to AS is another. Most of the 'symptoms' you describe are precisely the things that women have found problematic about men in their relationships since erm, forever - doesn't 'connect' emotionally or seem to recognise the needs of others, quite selfish about own pursuits (or 'hobbies') but reluctant to engage in family stuff, reluctytant to talk about problems etc etc. There is an growing trend, and a growing industry, surrounding fairly casual diagnosis of Aspergers' or 'High Functioning Aspergers' that takes these fairly standard moans and groans women have about men and then suggests that rather than being biological and psychological differences between men and women there is some sort of flaw that makes the man 'broken' and unreasonable and the woman his hapless and helpless victim.

 

There is actually one more thing I'd like to say...

 

The above is where I began to feel judged. It says I am ascribing every negative I feel about my husband to AS. Thing is, I do not feel negatively about the things I talk about in my original post. The "symptoms" I describe in my original post are FACTS about my husband, they are not negatives I feel about him. If i were to tell you that my son has to use different doors to enter his school than the other children, or that he has to take melatonin in order to sleep or that he has poor social skill and poor communication and thus has no friends, would that be perceived as me viewing him negatively? I seriously hope not! Plus, I do not view people on the spectrum as flawed or broken, different is not broken! nor would i EVER consider myself a victim to my husbands "traits", as already stated, not only did i choose to marry him despite these traits.... I have stood by him for almost a decade!

[baddad]

despite those traits... stood by him for a decade...? No 'flaw' or whiff of martyrdom there then?

I won't respond to the 'if I were to tell you... about my son', because I think that would likely be received as negative judgements too. I don't mind that you don't want to take/listen to the advice I'm offering... what I do mind is that you seem to want to 'shoot the messenger', doubly so because the 'message' is, I hope, one that you would want someone putting forward if it was your son being posted about here by some future partner of his seven years after she married him knowing exactly what his flaw/problems/whatever you want to call thems were from the outset.

 

L&P

 

BD

[lisa2701]

despite those traits... stood by him for a decade...? No 'flaw' or whiff of martyrdom there then?

I won't respond to the 'if I were to tell you... about my son', because I think that would likely be received as negative judgements too. I don't mind that you don't want to take/listen to the advice I'm offering... what I do mind is that you seem to want to 'shoot the messenger', doubly so because the 'message' is, I hope, one that you would want someone putting forward if it was your son being posted about here by some future partner of his seven years after she married him knowing exactly what his flaw/problems/whatever you want to call thems were from the outset.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

Yes, despite the traits I have stood by him, just like DESPITE my disabilities he has STOOD BY ME. These are figures of speech being twisted to make me look bad. This is EXACTLY what I mean. And YES if my son were struggling with his autism I would be grateful if his wife tried to find information to help him. However I may have come across, my heart is in the right place. I am trying to help my husband....that is what wives do!

Edited August 13, 2011 by lisa2701

[baddad]

Hi again Lisa -

 

Just popping back to say that like you I'm feeling what I said has been taken out of context... I've not said anywhere that your husband couldn't have AS (your question) I've just observed that after 7 years it should be a moot point, and that the answer in any relationship is an acceptance of how people are (with or without dx's) and a mutual compromise regarding problematic areas. Along with that I said that it's irrelevant whether the 'reason' for your husbands behaviours is autism or not - it's a question of can he manage/help those behaviours or not and is he willing to? If he can/is he should, if he can't then that, whether he has autism or not, is something that after 7 years you should accept and work around. If he can and won't you have a different issue on your hands, but nothing to do with autism.

 

L&P

 

BD

[Suze]

Baddad ..I can see what you are trying to say here..however , the OP is a newer member and not been dealing with autism for as long as you.It can be a bit intimidating for new members when one who has been here as long as you have come across with some very strong views and points.Thats not to say your points are not valid or justified , everyone is entitled to express an opinion but they come across very forcefully sometimes.Please try to back off a little and put your veiws across without being so openly critical.Lisa has some very valid points and is right in trying to think about and explore the possibility of her hubby having ASD here on the forum its what its for,I feel concerned if she feels she can,t do that.

[Mumble]

I came to ask a simple question: does the symptoms fit, thus should we request an assessment by a person qualified to determine if my husband does have AS or doesn't.

The problem with such a question is that the 'traits', 'symptoms' whatever you call them of an ASD are traits of human-ness, i.e. everyone has them. The issue with ASD is that the individual has them all to a much higher degree to the point they become impaired by them. It's why, even though I really hate the 'everyone does/has that' comments, there is some truth in it to an extent. It's also why online tests are pretty useless, because it's about degree of interpretation - a full thorough ASD diagnostic assessment needs to consider objectively the extent to which an indiviual has each trait and the extent to which the collection of strong traits has an impairment on their lives.

[lisa2701]

Ok, so I have had some time to calm down, read and re-read this thread etc.

 

Baddad- I apologise if i have misunderstood any of your points/posts, however after re-reading them several times I still read into them the same as I did last night. You obviously have very strong views/opinions regarding this matter and I feel we may have to agree to disagree. What I think I hear you say in your last post is that after 7 years of marriage I should be accepting my husband exactly how he is, weather or not he has AS, and ok in the "ideal" world this would be the case. However (and this is where we may differ in opinion) I do not think it is realistic to think that we can be all loving, all accepting all of the time. Fundamentally and on a day to day basis I accept and love my husband for who he is as a person. i value his thoughts, opinions and contribution to our life together. However, just as he has done with me, there are some behaviours/opinions I feel are worth challenging in order to better our relationship (not that our relationship is bad, but there are always things we can improve on). Take this for example - Previously, before I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia my husband used to come in from work and be disheartened at the fact I had done little housework. Everyone can have aches and pains, everyone can feel tired or fatigued at times but normally people would be able push past that and get on with things...what makes me different was his point, and its a valid point if I had no underlying condition. However, if I push past the pain/fatigue what happens is I spend the next 2-3 days feeling twice as bad as i normally do, rendering me pretty much useless to anyone, I can not even do the small amount of house I normally do, thus he has had to "change" (not lower) his expectation of me.

 

Now, when it comes to "NT" behaviour it is my opinion that we are all capable of changing our behaviours. We do it several times a day, we behave differently at work as we do at home, we act different around our parents as we do around our friends. We adapt our behaviours to the company and situation we find ourselves in and the expectations we find put upon us. I myself have had to re-assess and adjust my behaviours in order to live peacefully with my husband, it is not that he didn't accept me before (after all I am the same person he met 8 years ago) but we had different views/opinions/or ways of being and we've had to compromise on some of those issues in order to make our marriage work as such I have had to make changes to my own behaviours, thoughts and beliefs which is never an easy process. In my opinion our behaviours, weather male or female, change constantly throughout our lives in response to things we have experienced, and occasionally we are going to develop a behaviour that may be problematic for our family members, in this case we need to reassess what is going on, why we are behaving in such ways and are we willing to change it for those we love, so, If my husband is NT then yes, i expect him to reassess his behaviour/opinions and make some compromises in order to help us achieve a closer/easier relationship. It then becomes a question of does he "want" to compromise his opinions or behaviours? That, I can not answer!

 

"if" it turned out that in fact my husband is on the spectrum then I will be able to understand/accept/expect that this (re-assessing/changing behaviours) is a process that he may find harder or be unable to navigate.

 

I appreciate that we do not want "casual" dx being handed out willy nilly. After all I have a son with autism and if half the nation have a dx of ASD (when in fact they do not have ASD) then it undermines the daily struggles and achievements my own son has or makes. I actually have a friend who is struggling with the behaviour of her son and as such has self diagnosed him with AS, as such she is aggressively perusing a dx and I believe she will eventually get it. Not because I believe he has AS but because as Mumble says we can find "autistic traits" in most people, and she has heard me talking about my son, and thoughts yeah my son does that, that that and that. What she doesn't realise is to the extreme that my son has each of those behaviours, or the problems they cause him.

 

I am not looking for an easy answer to explain my husbands behaviour, I am not looking to change his fundamental personality, and I love him dearly with or without AS.

 

The behaviours I have referred to are not "typical" of a man. I accept that my husband is a huge football fan even if I dislike the sport, I accept that he (as a man/human) is going to have a cheeky look at other women even if my presence, and I accept that men and women are different, as is each individual person. the behaviours I refer to are pretty extreme, they are (in my opinion) not "typical" male behaviours. They are problematic not only in our relationship but also in other relationships he has had/or has.

 

Last night after I left this forum I asked my husband what "he" thought. He himself thinks their is a strong possibility of AS, but he does not know how he would feel about getting a dx, or what benefits it may bring, his words were "it hasn't happened yet so how am i meant to know how I'd feel"?

 

AS I said before, I feel we may have to agree to disagree on this one but either way I hope we can move on and no doubt find common ground we agree on somewhere down the line, perhaps on another topic?

[darkshine]

Lisa I think you will get there in the end whatever the answer is at the end of the day, your relationship seems sound, you obviously both communicate - I hope that even though you may not have felt comfortable with the balance of this discussion that it has still helped you and your husband in your thinking on this

 

I always remember that even when things seem impossibly hard - there's a chance of getting there in the end to improve our lives and the things within our lives (including ourselves) I think your doing great and hope you enjoy using the forum

[lisa2701]

Lisa I think you will get there in the end whatever the answer is at the end of the day, your relationship seems sound, you obviously both communicate - I hope that even though you may not have felt comfortable with the balance of this discussion that it has still helped you and your husband in your thinking on this

 

I always remember that even when things seem impossibly hard - there's a chance of getting there in the end to improve our lives and the things within our lives (including ourselves) I think your doing great and hope you enjoy using the forum

 

Thank you honey, we will no doubt get there one way or the other.

[darkshine]

[cmuir]

Hi CMuir - I don't think anyone ruled out the possibility that the OP's husband could have AS, just that the 'symptoms' described can have all sorts of other explanations, and that dx would be something of a moot point anyway.

Yes, people can and do change over time for all sorts of reasons, but the reason it is relevant is because it establishes whether someone has 'changed' through circumstance/inclination. If it is being said now that behaviours can't be helped (are beyond the control of the person enacting them) but these behaviours weren't apparent 7 years ago or could be controlled then that's a 'progressive' problem and by definition can't be autism. Whether it's a 'co-morbid' or not is a different question, but assuming a co-morbid without considering plain old everyday disinclination or lack of consideration/willingness to compromise (which is what happens in most relationships over time) is, IMO, very shortsighted.

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

I'm not saying behaviours can't be helped nor am I talking about comorbidity. In my experience of getting to know both ASD children and adults, I've found that there can be consistency as well as great inconsistency in things that they can and cannot cope with, and there can be various reasons for that (same can be said for NTs). Trying to assess generally whether someone has changed through circumstances/inclination is extremely difficult/impossible to do because of that.

Edited August 14, 2011 by cmuir

[cmuir]

Hi again Lisa -

 

... I've just observed that after 7 years it should be a moot point, and that the answer in any relationship is an acceptance of how people are (with or without dx's) and a mutual compromise regarding problematic areas. Along with that I said that it's irrelevant whether the 'reason' for your husbands behaviours is autism or not ...

 

L&P

 

BD

 

 

 

Hi Lisa

 

Not followed this post for a few days and just been reading bits of it (not deliberately trying to pick on Baddad). I'm in somewhat a similar situation to yourself in that during the course of the diagnostic process of my son, it was suggested more than once by more than one specialist that my husband showed AS traits/characteristics (that was 5 years ago). My husband has chosen not to be assessed, and I have to respect his decision. Hubby and I have been married for 17 years. Granted, we're like chalk and cheese in a lot of ways and have had lots of peaks and troughs along the way, but somehow I think our marriage works because we give each other space and acceptance. However, although I cannot put into words why, I would like to know for sure if my husband has AS or not and it's something that I think about a lot. I think I would perhaps be a bit more tolerant and understanding or certain issues that have arisen.

 

Again, I think it's a very personal choice whether your husband is assessed and wish you both luck in whatever you choose to do.

 

Caroline.

[Beebee]

Hi Lisa.

 

I just thought i would send you a quick reply. I have read all of the 'thread's' on your post and i have to say that some were slightly more over zealous with their answers, than was perhaps necessary (only in my opinion!).

What i wanted to say was that i can empathise with your situation, as i too have lived with someone i beleive to have undiagnosed AS. Maybe if i had known what i know now, then things might have been different. Knowing and being able to help that person with area's of their life they find difficult or that impact on your marriage surely can only be a positive.?

I don't want to add to the already 'complicated' thread's but please feel free to message me and i would gladly try and share my experiences with you if they are of any help.

Please don't refrain from seeking further advice on here, as most of us are welcoming and hopefully able to offer helpful advice.

 

Bee

Edited August 16, 2011 by Beebee

[Myself]

Just a quick post to say that as a husband who sought diagnosis to account for my personality that is often described as an "acquired taste" I have found that others, including my wife, are more able to understand why I respond to the many situations that life puts in our path, in a way that seems less than ordinary.

 

Also, I feel more able to be myself, knowing that there is a valid explanation for how I am.

 

Hope this is of reassurance to those that are only viewing their situation from the position of an observer, such as wife, or partner.

[lisa2701]

Hi Lisa

 

Not followed this post for a few days and just been reading bits of it (not deliberately trying to pick on Baddad). I'm in somewhat a similar situation to yourself in that during the course of the diagnostic process of my son, it was suggested more than once by more than one specialist that my husband showed AS traits/characteristics (that was 5 years ago). My husband has chosen not to be assessed, and I have to respect his decision. Hubby and I have been married for 17 years. Granted, we're like chalk and cheese in a lot of ways and have had lots of peaks and troughs along the way, but somehow I think our marriage works because we give each other space and acceptance. However, although I cannot put into words why, I would like to know for sure if my husband has AS or not and it's something that I think about a lot. I think I would perhaps be a bit more tolerant and understanding or certain issues that have arisen.

 

Again, I think it's a very personal choice whether your husband is assessed and wish you both luck in whatever you choose to do.

 

Caroline.

 

Thank you. Like you i feel that there is a benefit (better understanding and tolerance of certain issues) to having a dx. I am glad that my hubby is open to seeking an assessment... its the tying him down to going to the doctors to ask for a referral that is the problem. He doesn't even go about things that is causing him pain/discomfort. However, he is having to go soon for something else so I will get him to ask when he is there.

 

 

Hi Lisa.

 

I just thought i would send you a quick reply. I have read all of the 'thread's' on your post and i have to say that some were slightly more over zealous with their answers, than was perhaps necessary (only in my opinion!).

What i wanted to say was that i can empathise with your situation, as i too have lived with someone i beleive to have undiagnosed AS. Maybe if i had known what i know now, then things might have been different. Knowing and being able to help that person with area's of their life they find difficult or that impact on your marriage surely can only be a positive.?

I don't want to add to the already 'complicated' thread's but please feel free to message me and i would gladly try and share my experiences with you if they are of any help.

Please don't refrain from seeking further advice on here, as most of us are welcoming and hopefully able to offer helpful advice.

 

Bee

 

Hi bee, thank you for your reply. I agree that a better understanding can only bring about good things. During the early years my hubby and I had a really rocky marriage, partly/mainly due to not understanding each other and our expectations of each other, i really do believe that had I known then what I know now I would have dealt with a lot of things very differently and that could have saved many an arguments that took place.

 

Hope you don't mind me asking but I assume that you are no longer with the person you believed to have had AS? Do you think if you had known about the AS that things may have worked out?

 

 

Just a quick post to say that as a husband who sought diagnosis to account for my personality that is often described as an "acquired taste" I have found that others, including my wife, are more able to understand why I respond to the many situations that life puts in our path, in a way that seems less than ordinary.

 

Also, I feel more able to be myself, knowing that there is a valid explanation for how I am.

 

Hope this is of reassurance to those that are only viewing their situation from the position of an observer, such as wife, or partner.

 

Thank you. I think its great that you are getting a better understanding from family and friends, we all need to be able to feel like we can be ourselves with our family and I think its great that you can finally do that. This is what i'd really hope for with my hubby.

 

 

Lisa x

[Tally]

Thank you. Like you i feel that there is a benefit (better understanding and tolerance of certain issues) to having a dx. I am glad that my hubby is open to seeking an assessment... its the tying him down to going to the doctors to ask for a referral that is the problem. He doesn't even go about things that is causing him pain/discomfort. However, he is having to go soon for something else so I will get him to ask when he is there.

It might be best to set aside a whole appointment to discuss this so that there is enough time. If your husband is willing, it could also be helpful for you to attend the appointment with him. You could help him get the important points across, and also explain how he seems to you and other people. The doctor is more likely to take it seriously if you can show evidence of genuine social difficulties, rather than just your husband's perception of his social skills.

[Beebee]

Thank you. Like you i feel that there is a benefit (better understanding and tolerance of certain issues) to having a dx. I am glad that my hubby is open to seeking an assessment... its the tying him down to going to the doctors to ask for a referral that is the problem. He doesn't even go about things that is causing him pain/discomfort. However, he is having to go soon for something else so I will get him to ask when he is there.

 

 

 

 

Hi bee, thank you for your reply. I agree that a better understanding can only bring about good things. During the early years my hubby and I had a really rocky marriage, partly/mainly due to not understanding each other and our expectations of each other, i really do believe that had I known then what I know now I would have dealt with a lot of things very differently and that could have saved many an arguments that took place.

 

Hope you don't mind me asking but I assume that you are no longer with the person you believed to have had AS? Do you think if you had known about the AS that things may have worked out?

 

 

 

 

Thank you. I think its great that you are getting a better understanding from family and friends, we all need to be able to feel like we can be ourselves with our family and I think its great that you can finally do that. This is what i'd really hope for with my hubby.

 

 

Lisa x

[Beebee]

Hi Lisa.

No we aren't together any more. We split up six years ago due to a very rocky marriage.

 

All these year's later and knowing what i now know about ASD and AS, there my have been a different outcome. In retrospect he struggled with many things which affected our marriage not neccessarily how i felt about him.

Had we, particularily HE known why he had these difficulties, then maybe we could have worked with them instead of against them...if that makes any sense.?

 

It was only after working in 'this field' for many years and then subsequently having my DS diagnosed with AS, that i realised that this was probably why my Ex had struggled to cope with many things.

 

It's a real shame but my Ex remains unaware of the probable reason for his difficulties (we have no contact/ nor he with our children) and therefore will more than likely have to live with them without the benefit of knowing why he acts/feels the way he does.

 

In my opinion some of the things your husband does and 'area's' he finds difficult were mirrored in my Ex's behaviour. Obviously i am not qualified to make judgements and am only going by my own experiences and working knowledge but i would absolutely say that my Ex has undiagnosed AS.

 

I pondered for some time of the benefit/positive of my DS having an official diagnosis so late on (15 yrs old) in is education/life. It was met with some 'frosty' reception from some of my close family member's, who suggested it was 'just labelling him for no reason'.

What it did mean (after conversations with my DS ), was that it gave him the reason as to why he thought/felt different to his peers.

Although difficult, it has enabled him to move on and as i tell him his AS is only a small part of who he is but that without it he just wouldn't be the 'quirky' J we love and whom im very proud of. His diagnosis has brought about calmness and closesure on alot of his worries such as, why he feels he is 'different' and although he would rather not have 'it' - he accepts and recognises his need for help now rather than fighting aagainst it.

 

All in all i would say that diagnosis is a 'positive' step ( IMO ), enabling those diagnosed to hopefully move on and try to work with their difficulties rather than 'trying to conform' as my son had felt compelled to do. A diagnosis may not be for everyone but in my

experience it has been greatly worthwhile and although it doesn't alter how you feel about that person in any way it allows for more compassion and tolerance from others (well hopefully..!!).

 

Bee