Coping With Rejection

[darkshine]

I know there's lots of occasions in life where rejection is just a part of the grand scheme of things.

I know we cannot always have what we want.

But.... Is there any prescribed method of coping with rejection when you're over-sensitive and feel rubbish?

 

I can handle flat out rejection well enough, sure there's disappointment, hurt, confusion and all that but hey, we understand and we get over it. But what really hurts is subtle rejection.

 

Here's what's happened - with a little math

6 years ago I had 4 friends.

2 were users.

1 was just being polite.

and the other was a friend from school who didn't mind my sporadic methods of communication since that person had the same issue.

 

I eventually managed to disentangle myself from 1 user and the other got a grip and didn't need to use me any longer

The polite one has disappeared off the face of the earth

So that leaves the old school friend and the ex-user

Now, I don't hear from them more than once or twice a year despite the fact that we were quite close friends...

 

If it were just a case of growing apart, differing interests, lifestyle etc it wouldn't bother me so much, but its the fact that I can't permanently be what they want me to be.

 

I didn't lie when we met, I didn't pretend to be something I'm not.

 

What messed it up was that whenever I was honest about things (about me and my life) they never answered (and I never went into the gruesome details that they did) so when I made my emails and texts and phone calls upbeat I found that they answered me and we had good conversations - about what they wanted to talk about.

 

The problem is I can't maintain that upbeat nature all the time, sometimes I can't do it at all and now, whatever I am or however I am, they don't respond other than pressing the "poke" and "like" button on facebook.

 

I like these people and its kinda rubbish having them phase me out...

 

So like I said at the start - Is there any prescribed method of coping with rejection?

[Suze]

Its a two way street....you have to be pro active in nuturing relationships , also asking them how they are , making sure to ask about them.It can also be very difficult when we all have such busy lives.The important thing to do is make sure that anytime you do spend together is quality time doing something you both enjoy

[Mumble]

Is there any prescribed method of coping with rejection when you're over-sensitive and feel rubbish?

Chocolate. And lots of it.

[dekra]

Chocolate. And lots of it.

 

Amen to that!

[Pancakemaker]

Hi Darkshine,I find the best way to cope with rejection is to remember that it's the other persons loss,that if they don't want to know you then they're not worth knowing are they?I know what your talking about,the feelings you mean,self doubt and feeling worthless and the only thing you can do is try and think if you were as interested in them as they were you,if you started convos and showed an intrest in them and it wasn't returned then they were either to busy,or had other things to do,or at worst were selfish.you've got us though!xxx

[darkshine]

To mumble and dekra the ever useful chocolate mmmm works for a bit and stops a bit of that empty feeling but if I use chocolate I'll end up like a sumo

 

Thanks Suze - I think what makes it harder is that one lives somewhere remote (not too far - 30 miles away) but neither of us has cars and there are no transport links - although this distance has been a constant throughout and was never that much of a problem til my 'agoraphobia' got worse again...

 

The other one lives 200 miles away.

 

For ages and ages this wasn't a problem - maybe they just got bored of the electronic interaction.... who knows....

 

I still think that they are bored of me though cuz I can't be what they want - but whoever is gonna like someone who can't do so many things? Or at least not get sick of 'em.... I just wish I was the sort of person who could brush it off without getting too bothered

[darkshine]

Hi Darkshine,I find the best way to cope with rejection is to remember that it's the other persons loss,that if they don't want to know you then they're not worth knowing are they?

I know what your talking about,the feelings you mean,self doubt and feeling worthless and the only thing you can do is try and think if you were as interested in them as they were you,if you started convos and showed an intrest in them and it wasn't returned then they were either to busy,or had other things to do,or at worst were selfish.you've got us though!xxx

Ta The only thing though is I don't think they see it as a loss so I can't help but feel that it reflects on me personally.. Its very confusing cuz I can see where I've gone wrong and stuff but I guess it just feels horrible to be sidelined by people who were once very close to me and who once liked me as much as I liked them

[Pancakemaker]

Ta The only thing though is I don't think they see it as a loss so I can't help but feel that it reflects on me personally.. Its very confusing cuz I can see where I've gone wrong and stuff but I guess it just feels horrible to be sidelined by people who were once very close to me and who once liked me as much as I liked them

[Pancakemaker]

Ah please don't feel down like that,have you thought about phoning them and suggesting meeting up,tell them you miss them and have a chat.x

[Lyndalou]

Its a two way street....you have to be pro active in nuturing relationships , also asking them how they are , making sure to ask about them.It can also be very difficult when we all have such busy lives.The important thing to do is make sure that anytime you do spend together is quality time doing something you both enjoy

 

Hi Darkshine

 

I'm not sure how old you are but I know that my 20's especially were very much about this. I am undiagnosed but the question you are asking has dogged me and preoccupied me for a very long time although having worked at it, the dull ache in the pit of my stomach I feel as a result of lost friendships has lessened considerably over time. I agree very much with Suze that friendships are a 'two way street' and they take a lot of time and energy to nurture and you have to be sure that your wish to be friends with someone is reciprocated.

 

In my mid twenties I had come to the conclusion that any friendships I had would be short-term. In a sense, that took the pressure off and made it easier just to enjoy the other person's company. It also meant however, that I was always anticipating the end of the friendship so I called these friends 'People I know' which meant that there wasn't a true 'rejection' when the friendship ended because I held so much of myself back. Over time I have come to realise that rejection is part of friendship in that some 'people I know' from the outset are always going to be transitory friends but others, with the effort put in could be part of my life for the long haul. There are no absolutes though and there is such a thing as 'growing apart' and life circumstances can mean you have different expectations of friendships at different times in your life.

 

To me, you are putting all your eggs in two baskets, so to speak, and that is unhealthy in itself. When other people have so much expectation placed upon them they can get scared, just like when you are in a romantic relationship. They can also feel 'obliged' to be your friend which can lead to resentment.

 

At 25, I viewed my then ex-boyfriend as my only friend, along with the 'people I knew'. Even though we were no longer 'together' we were still very close and looking back, I had a completely skewed idea of what the new dynamics of our relationship was. All I knew was that I didn't need to make the effort to forge new lasting friendships because I had him. When it all went ###### up (as it only ever would have done, given my expectations of him) I wrote him the most venomous diatribe I have ever penned, telling him how much I hated him and what a useless waste of space he was. Pure and simple, I felt completely rejected and humiliated and had absolutely no notion of how to deal with it.

 

Just 2 weeks previously he had rushed to the house to be with me through the night when I experienced one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. He sat with me as I screamed and retched, hugging the toilet bowl. He had left a party and his other female 'friend' behind as soon as he got the call from my flatmate but that's what I believed my only friend should do. I didn't see that he wasn't getting much out of the friendship from me and that it was completely perverse of me to expect him to remain celibate, so much so that he was very scared of what I might do if I realised that his other female 'friend' was a bit more that! Of course, when the penny eventually dropped when I had to walk in on them to see what was staring me in the face, my whole world tilted off it's axis.

 

I deeply regret writing that letter and that period of my life was extremely painful when I realised I was all alone. It forced me to take stock and try to get to know other people and make the effort to be their friend and try to get past the fact that I likely would get hurt by getting closer to those people. I have lost numerous friends since then, some of whom I thought were good friends and each time it has been an extremely painful experience. You have to remember though the 'two way street' thing. Sometimes it is your 'fault' when a friendship ends, sometimes it's their 'fault' and sometimes it's no-one's 'fault' at all, it's just life.

 

I'm not saying it's going to be easy. I've got a 'thing' about the telephone and that can make friendships difficult and there are 2 people right now that I wonder if they are still friends as I have made no contact with them for so long because they are not online but at some point I have to get past my fear and deal with it if I've left it too long. I'm lucky in that I have a good friend who although we don't contact each other much, we have an understanding about that and when we do meet up (we hardly ever phone) we do things we both enjoy together and have done together for a long time.

 

Sorry this was so long but I hope it helps.

 

Lynda x

[darkshine]

Ah please don't feel down like that,have you thought about phoning them and suggesting meeting up,tell them you miss them and have a chat.x

Its not that I can't ring them, they wouldn't be rude I know, its just that meeting up is impossible due to circumstance and distance - Its now at the stage where I don't even know if I should continue trying...

 

I admit I feel rejected and everything else I've said - and of course I cannot speak for them - but I have a pretty good idea that frustratingly the problem here is me.

 

I'm the problem because I can't be what they expect me to be all of the time and so this whole rejection thing comes up over and over cuz no-one accepts me as me (even most of my family members are like this).

 

All these things are also related to this

I'm not sure how old you are but I know that my 20's especially were very much about this. I am undiagnosed but the question you are asking has dogged me and preoccupied me for a very long time although having worked at it, the dull ache in the pit of my stomach I feel as a result of lost friendships has lessened considerably over time. I agree very much with Suze that friendships are a 'two way street' and they take a lot of time and energy to nurture and you have to be sure that your wish to be friends with someone is reciprocated.

 

In my mid twenties I had come to the conclusion that any friendships I had would be short-term. In a sense, that took the pressure off and made it easier just to enjoy the other person's company. It also meant however, that I was always anticipating the end of the friendship so I called these friends 'People I know' which meant that there wasn't a true 'rejection' when the friendship ended because I held so much of myself back. Over time I have come to realise that rejection is part of friendship in that some 'people I know' from the outset are always going to be transitory friends but others, with the effort put in could be part of my life for the long haul. There are no absolutes though and there is such a thing as 'growing apart' and life circumstances can mean you have different expectations of friendships at different times in your life.

 

To me, you are putting all your eggs in two baskets, so to speak, and that is unhealthy in itself. When other people have so much expectation placed upon them they can get scared, just like when you are in a romantic relationship. They can also feel 'obliged' to be your friend which can lead to resentment.

I'm 30

 

I've gotten better as I've got older at handling rejection, your experience you described with your ex is familiar to me, even down to the letter

 

The thing is - I understand its a two way street and what's really hard is that I can't always see how I am IFSWIM, but for a long time it has been me doing the trying and I just don't get a reply any more...

 

To tell the truth I have experimented on these people - years ago when we were close - I sent them test emails...

 

Test 1 - lying - being positive, saying I've done things I haven't done, showing excessive interest etc - this got a good response, a quick response.

 

Test 2 - tell the total truth - they ran in fear (not literally - but almost)

 

Test 3 - honesty without all the grisly details - a balance between the other 2 - no response

 

I guess I have "put all my eggs in one basket" so to speak, I guess I chose that instead of having nobody, I have been the one doing the trying and maintaining - but its not that simple either cuz when they have wanted more I can't always give it

[darkshine]

Oh and the "people I know" - been doing that for a few years now I just use the word friends to other people in the main - but there aren't many people I know any more....

[darkshine]

On a related note: how can I not feel rejected when time and time again it goes the same way... and more importantly how can I not think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me?

[Lyndalou]

On a related note: how can I not feel rejected when time and time again it goes the same way... and more importantly how can I not think that there is something fundamentally wrong with me?

I don't have much time so this reply will be a bit brief...mouths to feed and all that!

 

This is how I felt in my 20's and probably into my 30's though not so intensely. I'm nearly 40

 

At some point you have to tell yourself 'I am worth being someone's friend. I have something to offer someone else.' and really start to believe it. Perhaps in person you don't come across as the intelligent, thoughtful and caring person you come across as in your posts. However, you have to realise that you ARE that person. There are people out there who, given the time, could connect with you in real life. It's a bit like with a relationship - if you are too needy or too intense then the next thing you know you don't see them for dust! You don't just have to hang on for grim life to being friends with the 2 people you mention. As you've said, you've done your 'tests' and they have been found wanting but that could be a perceptual thing. You have placed such an obsessive interest on ascertainng if they are 'real' friends or not that maybe they are oblivious to the torture you are putting yourself through or maybe they realise they are being 'tested' which would make them recoil. Maybe they have other friends with whom they are juggling their time. As you say, if it difficult to meet up, you need to set a time and place to meet up and try not to place so much emphasis on the meeting like it's a 'make or break' thing. If you get a negative response with no plausible reason as to why they can't meet you then you may have to just accept that the friendship has run it's course.

 

There is a lot more I could say on the subject (because I have obsessed and tortured myself to an Art Form) but I just reiterate that you should cut yourself some slack <'>

[darkshine]

There is a lot more I could say on the subject (because I have obsessed and tortured myself to an Art Form) but I just reiterate that you should cut yourself some slack <'>

Maybe we should offer a course in that Art Form? It could be useful for people to understand the causes of stupid behaviour in people that are normally relatively sane in many other aspects of their life

 

Thank you for your response - it was a little upsetting because I don't handle people saying nice things very well (separate yet inter-related issue ) but the things you say about people makes sense.

 

It's just hard is all - as you know - and what's more frustrating is that people don't often have the time in daily life...

 

I'm always trying to be something better, something less flawed and it hurts when that still isn't good enough.

 

I had a total wobble last night, didn't get to sleep until gone 7am, this was because some "people I know" (friends and relatives of my housemates) came over yesterday for a BBQ and I just felt it was a total failure, that I am a total failure because I can't do what they do and I can't be what they can be, I shut down and close off when i really want to talk, my voice is so quiet people don't hear me always and I don't get to say things, I felt like it was a complete disaster I know they didn't think any of those things - I know cuz I've seen their facebook statuses just now and they all say they had the best time.

 

I don't know why I can't abandon all the things that are me and experience things in a similar way to everyone else, people say nice things but I don't see it, I just see that I'm not good enough in every single way and because my experience is so different it feels like they are lying even when I know they aren't.

 

And that's why I couldn't sleep, cuz at around 3 I suddenly thought of all these things and was 100% convinced that it was rubbish and that everyone hated me and on and on and on.... ended up sitting outside crying while my housemate stared at me with that look on his face that looks like hurt, fear, worry, and pity and felt worse cuz I made someone else feel bad as well - and disrupted his sleep as well as my own.

 

It all goes on cuz I'm supposed to be starting a new structured routine today and because of last night its all gone wrong before it started! And back to feelings of failure again

 

I hope that my CBT assessment is the key that will help me to deal with these things and that I get CBT because it is torture feeling this way and living this life.

 

As for rejection I can't help but think this may also be part of one of them self-fulfilling prophecy thingys - like - if you expect to be rejected you will be cuz your sort of expecting it which might make things harder for people to keep trying with me etc.

 

I'm sorry to go on and on but its hard to separate everything into separate posts as all my problems seem inter-related.

 

I do appreciate your responses and I do want to give myself some slack - I'd also like a little more of the way you are thinking that is more rational and I can appreciate that time may help with this but in the here and now it is still torture to have what's in my head and feel how I feel

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Mumble]

people that are normally relatively sane

That counts me out!

[darkshine]

That counts me out!

[littleplum]

 

I'm always trying to be something better, something less flawed and it hurts when that still isn't good enough.

 

I

 

It may be very little consolation, but rejection gets easier with age. There is an upside, which is that you no longer feel the need to try so hard to be something you are not, to become more 'likeable'. In other words, you become a grumpy old man/woman!

 

Seriously, that subtle rejection you mention, where you will never know what you said or did wrong, or even if you did something wrong, or if the other person lost your phone number/e-mail address, can really sap your last ounce of self-esteem. How to cope? I am a great believer in stoicism myself. This means when I meet new people, I am friendly, I listen, but I can be almost 100% certain that the contact will not lead to anything deeper. If I had the words 'Keep away!' tatooed on my forehead, the effect could hardly be greater.

 

So I can empathise and suggest only that you hang in there...

[Lyndalou]

It may be very little consolation, but rejection gets easier with age. There is an upside, which is that you no longer feel the need to try so hard to be something you are not, to become more 'likeable'. In other words, you become a grumpy old man/woman!

 

Too true

 

And if you have kids it means you have less head space to cram in all that angst and you can sleep standing up!!

[darkshine]

It may be very little consolation, but rejection gets easier with age. There is an upside, which is that you no longer feel the need to try so hard to be something you are not, to become more 'likeable'. In other words, you become a grumpy old man/woman!

 

Seriously, that subtle rejection you mention, where you will never know what you said or did wrong, or even if you did something wrong, or if the other person lost your phone number/e-mail address, can really sap your last ounce of self-esteem. How to cope? I am a great believer in stoicism myself. This means when I meet new people, I am friendly, I listen, but I can be almost 100% certain that the contact will not lead to anything deeper. If I had the words 'Keep away!' tatooed on my forehead, the effect could hardly be greater.

 

So I can empathise and suggest only that you hang in there...

I was gonna say "I'm hanging" but it might've sounded odd as just a 2 word reply (or suicidal!! )

 

I think I already do the 'invisible sign on my head saying keep away' which only makes it harder to make new acquaintances and seems to reduce any chance of friendship - although this can be a great defence mechanism I get tired of feeling friendless and alone.

 

I guess I need a thicker skin or something - and I am a lot less sensitive than even a few years ago (and far far less sensitive than when I was a kid) so I am getting more resilient as time goes by - its just you get these moments where as you say - the last ounce of self-esteem gets sapped and your left with nothing - even if in reality it isn't really nothing - it feels like nothing... But yeah, now I'm older this happens in "blips" I go for ages not being bothered and then everyone dumps me at once and it bothers me incredibly for a few weeks until I manage to work it through in my head...

 

I'm gonna shut up now but thank you for your reply

[darkshine]

And if you have kids it means you have less head space to cram in all that angst and you can sleep standing up!!

Skill

[RainbowsButterflies]

And if you have kids it means you have less head space to cram in all that angst and you can sleep standing up!!

 

I could sleep standing up before I had kids! Now I struggle...

[darkshine]

I could sleep standing up before I had kids! Now I struggle...

Now there's an interesting idea for research

 

Do people lose or gain the ability to sleep standing up upon becoming a parent?

 

Never been a skill I've possessed I can't hardly sleep at all - well I can - but because I HAVE to get up by a certain time (my rule) it reduces sleep dramatically when I can't sleep til stupid o'clock in the morning - oh well back to the books now (this was my mini break)