really don' t think dad gets my life or A.S

[smiley1590]

i am bank staff at local nursery the staff girlies are good team work for understanding supportive but my dad can't understand or see why i can't just go for working full time i've tried explaining clearly that i know i wouldn't cope /manage and my mum agrees with me on this! as feels be too much pressure/strain and i'd buckle at first hurdle and fall! plus my mum my DLA appointee for me so by rules have stick to under 16 hrs so annoying frustrating! work very slow pace at the moment due to term starting up boss got to calculate numbers of children then work out staff ratio of full time then anything left over work hours goes onto us -bank staff my dad wants me start looking for another bank staff nursery job with more stable less hit and miss hours with regular income and routine and if this local nursery boss where i wrk now phoned up while if got another job somewhere else needed me to say can't make it to my boss i work for now not give reason just say can't do it! my mum said wouldn't hurt to go knocking on doors asking around once again giving CV's my mum said just nod at my dad just let go in one ear out the other ....

 

i really feel further away than ever to my dad makes me so sad yet angry bitter i feel like A.S has caused drift block in between us our relationship how do i ever get this back! i tried explaining i get mentally tired/drained after doing few hours here and there it hurts me inside deeply to think i could be letting him down by not attempting any more hours at work.... my mum gets it understands i said to my mum that i will go ask at local nurseries but still ain't jobs to go around -stretch feel so miserable ,depressed it's heartbreaking soul destroying ....

 

it's not like i don't want to work or be at home all day doing nothing... i do what i can do! but he seems want push me see if i could do more he don't realise that nudge could break me literally!

 

my mum says take no notice of what my dad says about work etc but inside it niggles eats away at me!

i think my dad just thinks i can click my fingers and do full time work just like that but tried tell him make him see /understand in our A.S world it doesn't work in that way! i thought be other way round my mum being like my dad is but nope!

 

me and my dad had heart to heart 2 saturdays ago i said maybe i shouldn't have gone for official assessment and diagnosis and he said it hasn't done much good has it! and i was thinking same myself!

 

i so emotionally torn/confused by work situation so difficult know what to do . work where i am has picked up before has just took slow progress /time so may happen once again my boss said she'll inform me when she knows when i'm needed in work again won't be this week been in today though as was an open day!

 

just feel so fed up feel hopeless useless .... he don't realises it dents my self esteem makes my depression bad! could cry .... i just feel utter waste of space like have no purpose meaning for anything anymore like what's point in trying make something of my life! feel like giving in and up! i've had enough!

 

when i try explain how i see things he says kids in my day that didn't have a 'label' diagnosis condition stuck on them and they cope o.k well... like that's supposed to help or ease situations i go through! just makes me feel worse what's point trying make him understand he says make him understand tell him how it is what it like when i do he don't get it anyways! used to be my mum when i was child i felt distant too and had more 'cold' relationship which knock on effect to self -esteem but they swapped roles!

 

just want disappear,runaway anything but this mess .... i try explain best i can into work how i feel about things that make me anxious upset he can't seem to connect to it how come my mum can! looks like he can't accept get his head around the diagnosis and my life my world where does this leave me in middle of no where alone .... glad i have my mum's guidance /reassurance

 

feel running out of options feel like never going to meet 'normal' standards in society! i work so hard put so much damn effort into everything i do! feel crushed wrecked! my nans understood better than him so can't be generation thing! i don't know if he compares me to 'norms' and think she could do if she just tried pushed that bit harder better but i'm don't want to as i know myself and i'll end up scared anxious highly likely possibility end up pulling out due to MH issues!

 

i love my dad loads and he's keeps me on a high a up alot of time about my life with A.S but just lately he can't seem to grasp the concept of whole picture why i get so depressed anxious with it all like i should just stop WORRYING being paranoid wish it was that EASY i think he thinks can switch it on and off when had enough or feel like it!

 

XKLX

[Special_talent123]

do u know that DLA will end up being called P.I.P and once that happens we all get assessed, yes unfornatly with my income support/incapacity phasing away and replacing it with ESA is gong to affect me badly but i hope i win and prove im not capable of working

[Mumble]

There are no rules with DLA on working fulltime.

[smiley1590]

i couldn't manage/cope with full time anyway .... i don't get income support or incapacity my brother is on E.S.A benefit but he has to go for assessmemnts all time he struggles to keep it and he is DEAFBLIND! know i didn't know DLA was changing and we all being assessed! what is P.I.P?

 

XKLX

[Special_talent123]

personal independence payment which everyone getts assessed by a medical

[Pancakemaker]

Dark shine I hate to read about you feeling so upset,your dads not frustrated with you,he's annoyed with himself as he doesn't understand and feels helpless and unable to help you,please don't be so down ok? Your doing the best you can and no one can ask for more.xx

[sesley]

why do you think you could not cope with more regular longer hours?Maybe you could try a gradual increase to see if you can actually cope. Why not try putting your CV in for more oppertunities,sometimes its good to challenge yourself a little more, just to give yourself more oppertunites which could be good for you and your self esteam. Your dad being pain he might be,but he cares about you and wants you to do the best you can.

[smiley1590]

the reason why don't think i'd cope with longer hours is due to my exhaustion i feel after doing just feel hours i am drained mentally overwhelmed gradual increase i have thought about myself but i know i feel like failure let down aswell if had to back out because i couldn't cope /manage feel like mess my work/boss around feel bad all around like catch 22 all time really getting to me in big way making me generally fed up depressed miserable!

 

P.S pancakemaker the started this thread NOT darkshine!!! lol

 

XKLX

[Tally]

A permanent position does not have to be full time - it does sound like you're not up to full time work at the moment. But it would mean regular hours, so you could have a fixed routine and a predictable income.

 

Have you looked at different types of work? I know you love working with children, but if it leaves you exhausted it might be worth seeing if there is another type of work you would enjoy instead.

[smiley1590]

no i don't want go out of my comfort zone of what i love to do and enjoy nothing else i rather do! i may go back to college but whether i could get funding for this as really expensive to fund the course! i like to do full level 2 and then level 3 maybe another option! i been told i can't do regular hours by care manager i must do UNDER 16 hours because my DLA benefit! i'm exhaused all time anyway so no different really! just sensory POV! but then that happens all time too!

 

XKLX

[atlantis]

I understand where you're coming from with not being able to work full-time, I can't do it either. Even some other people I've spoken to with AS think I'm just being silly, but I really can't deal with the exhaustion! I can work about 5 hours and then I have to stop or I get so tired from anxiety I get physically ill...

 

Also, my Dad is the same. He thinks I'm just not 'trying hard enough' if there's something I find difficult. There's no way he's going to change, and I'm guessing it'll be the same for your Dad. I'm afraid it's probably going to have to be like your Mom said- just ignore his comments. I know how hard that is, but it's the only way you're going to find some peace of mind. Just try to be sure of yourself- if there's something you can't do or find difficult you shouldn't have to push yourself too far just to please someone else, do what's right for you.

 

atLantis

[smiley1590]

Atlantis- thanks for your reassurance ,glad i'm not only one who has been in this position/situation struggling to 'balance' employment issues A.S can be challenge in work place get in the way! i don't know if i'm ever going to able to manage/cope with full time employment or be overwhelmed by full time for long-term! i would like to have predictablity of wages /income and routine of knowing where i am ... just confuses me totally! i try just 'get on with it'! and not moan about it! yeah is VERY hard thing to do looks like i have NO option just SO scared back into corner i need security feel i haven't got it in any area of my life which makes it feel rocky unstable .... i can't find peace of mind or pushing myself i seem to be in habit cycle of both of these! so hard to break!

 

XKLX

[smiley1590]

Atlantis- thanks for your reassurance ,glad i'm not only one who has been in this position/situation struggling to 'balance' employment issues A.S can be challenge in work place get in the way! i don't know if i'm ever going to able to manage/cope with full time employment or be overwhelmed by full time for long-term! i would like to have predictablity of wages /income and routine of knowing where i am ... just confuses me totally! i try just 'get on with it'! and not moan about it! yeah is VERY hard thing to do looks like i have NO option just SO scared back into corner i need security feel i haven't got it in any area of my life which makes it feel rocky unstable .... i can't find peace of mind or pushing myself i seem to be in habit cycle of both of these! so hard to break!

 

XKLX

[Special_talent123]

dla is not means tested which means working whilst being on dla isnt going to affect u.

 

But when your on Income support/Incapacity where its means tested and u work more than 16 hours a week and earn more income then it will affect what your on. anyone on Incapacity/income support are going to eventually move on to ESA and it pretty hard if someone quits a job and when they are capable wont gt on benefits lik ESA that proves u can work.