Really quite disheartened

[matzoball]

Having a bit of a tough time at work atm.

 

The work part is fine, however am on the receiving end of some quite horrible treatment by another member of staff.

 

I have been made team lead for a few projects, because management feel I have a natural proficency(spelling?) towards it - however this hasn't went down well with a fellow team member. He feels he should be getting the same opportunities - but we had six months before we started work proper to prove ourselves, and I worked my butt off to do so! Increasingly over the past couple of months he has made numerous efforts to undermine me in front of colleagues, and even a member of parliament!

 

I spoke to the right people about it, and they have warned him about his attitude - but to no avail. The past two weeks he tried to disrupt a project on a go live date(literally 5 minutes before the deadline) by deciding to take me to the side and tell me he felt I was pompous in the way I spoke to someone (i have since found out the person in question thought nothing of the sort) when trying to allay their fears about a client reaction to something.

 

I took a weeks holiday last week, and since I have been back only 2 people(one of my dev team and one of my testers) have actually spoken to me. I walk into a room or nearby to where the others are and conversation stops. I walk away and it starts again. I actually asked two team members how it was going this morning, and they actually ignored me.

 

If it wasn't for the fact I talk to my manager and the asd support staff, I wouldn't speak to anyone at all at work now. Management can only do so much and they have been doing what they can - but I have never felt so isolated in my life - all because I am good at my job.

[darkshine]

If there is someone you trust to be honest more than anyone else, take them to one side and ask what's been going on while you've been away - or ask if one of the two people who are speaking to you will have a poke around on your behalf to find out what this is all about.

 

My initial assumptions if I was in this situation would be that this person has said something while I wasn't there - or that I'm being paranoid (paranoia can be a good light-hearted approach into asking about this too - like - am I being paranoid or is there actually something I should know? - kinda thing.

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

[matzoball]

If there is someone you trust to be honest more than anyone else, take them to one side and ask what's been going on while you've been away - or ask if one of the two people who are speaking to you will have a poke around on your behalf to find out what this is all about.

 

My initial assumptions if I was in this situation would be that this person has said something while I wasn't there - or that I'm being paranoid (paranoia can be a good light-hearted approach into asking about this too - like - am I being paranoid or is there actually something I should know? - kinda thing.

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

 

Oh, I neglected to mention management had actually overheard them 'discussing' me and not in a positive way - they stopped the conversation there and then. So I guess I am not being paranoid - best of it is they are having a bitchfest right now in the office next door(reallly thin walls)...

 

Have got Prospects involved so that the misogynist(as i have named him) can't complain about favouritism etc

 

Urgh.

[darkshine]

OMG - what a lovely way to be treated for working hard and progressing as result of that hard work I can't fully imagine how that must feel but I know that I wouldn't like it at all if it were me!

 

The only hope I can give is that these things go tend to blow over - but that doesn't help you in the meantime unfortunately

 

You seem stronger than me - I don't cope with this kinda thing at all well - keep strong and be sure in the knowledge that you are trying to do the right thing - and are coping with it the best you can - also by not stooping to this guy's level you can know you are acting in a better way - I know the rise above it cliché is not so easy when you are being treated this way by colleagues - but I think that is possibly the best road - and from the sound of it, is exactly what you are trying to do.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[matzoball]

OMG - what a lovely way to be treated for working hard and progressing as result of that hard work I can't fully imagine how that must feel but I know that I wouldn't like it at all if it were me!

 

The only hope I can give is that these things go tend to blow over - but that doesn't help you in the meantime unfortunately

 

You seem stronger than me - I don't cope with this kinda thing at all well - keep strong and be sure in the knowledge that you are trying to do the right thing - and are coping with it the best you can - also by not stooping to this guy's level you can know you are acting in a better way - I know the rise above it cliché is not so easy when you are being treated this way by colleagues - but I think that is possibly the best road - and from the sound of it, is exactly what you are trying to do.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

 

Thanks Darkshine - I won't lie to you, I've closed the blinds in my office(there are windows instead of walls on one side of my room) and had a wee cry, but it's made me feel a lot better reading this xx

[darkshine]

Thanks Darkshine - I won't lie to you, I've closed the blinds in my office(there are windows instead of walls on one side of my room) and had a wee cry, but it's made me feel a lot better reading this xx

Good for you there's no shame in a a few private tears - releases the stress sometimes

 

Someone I respected used to say, deep breath, head high, put on your game face, carry on as you normally would and don't let the bast***s get you down!

 

I admit I can't always do it - but it always made me smile and sometimes did give me the confidence to carry on in difficult situations xx

[Pancakemaker]

Good for you there's no shame in a a few private tears - releases the stress sometimes

 

Someone I respected used to say, deep breath, head high, put on your game face, carry on as you normally would and don't let the bast***s get you down!

 

I admit I can't always do it - but it always made me smile and sometimes did give me the confidence to carry on in difficult situations xx

Get off ur butt march into the ###### fest and ask what their problem is.how dare they.

[matzoball]

Get off ur butt march into the ###### fest and ask what their problem is.how dare they.

 

Ordinarily that's what I would do, but this guy is looking for any sort of weakness - as much as it kills me inside I have decided not to show that it is bothering me as I think that is what he wants.

 

Hopefully he will give up when he sees it's not affecting me...hopefully lol

[Tally]

I'm sorry this is happening

 

If you haven't already, I think you should keep management updated on what's happening. They really should be stamping on this hard. Perhaps you could ask for some support on the best way to handle difficult people like this.

[Suze]

Agree with Tally this sounds really awful and you need to keep management updated about what has been happening.I,m hoping it,ll blow over for you,chin up and stay strong ..it can,t be easy in an atmosphere like that best wishes suzexx

[Kathryn]

This kind of thing happens in the best of workplaces unfortunately and it only takes one person to turn the whole atmosphere sour.

 

Ignoring it, if you can, is a good strategy but do get some help from management if it all gets too much and doesn't blow over soon.

 

K x

[Lyndalou]

Oh, I neglected to mention management had actually overheard them 'discussing' me and not in a positive way - they stopped the conversation there and then. So I guess I am not being paranoid - best of it is they are having a bitchfest right now in the office next door(reallly thin walls)...

 

Have got Prospects involved so that the misogynist(as i have named him) can't complain about favouritism etc

 

Urgh.

Hi Matzoball

 

I really feel for you right now because I went through a similar experience and it was a seriously s****y time

 

My feeling is that you need as much support as you can get and you need to keep your managers fully up to speed. Your managers are completely in the picture if they have overheard this man discussing you with other colleagues but if they have spoken with him and he is still continuing to bully you in what sounds like a less-than-covert way then he obviously feels he can get away with it and he's probably all the more pissed off that he has been hauled up by them.

 

What is written in your employment contract about staff conduct? I would warrant a guess that at least there is something about your managers ensuring that you work within a safe environment. I wouldn't necessarily be discussing the situation with even the 2 people you believe are 'safe' to talk to because you really don't know what toxic stuff he's been saying when you aren't there to hear. You are going to be so on the defensive that you could say something that could make the rounds. The less ammunition you give him/them the better! I would try to just treat everyone as pleasantly as you can and keep it about the job meantime. Try not to hide. By all means cry but PLEASE try not to do it in front of them. It is going to be ###### hard but YOU know you can do the job, your managers gave you the job over this man because they believe you can do the job - it is entirely possible that they saw this side to him and didn't believe he was suited to the job because of it.

 

Unfortunately, bullies in the workplace have rights too and he is probably going to represent himself in as positive a way as possible to your managers, irrespective if they have heard him (once) or not. He will find ways to justify his actions because HE feels hard done by.

 

Keep strong. Keep Prospects (if they are being helpful) fully informed. Will they liaise with your managers to find a way forward? These situations are very difficult to handle from a management point of view too and often managers hope it will just 'go away' by itself but if it's anything like the situation I found myself in it won't, I'm sorry! It needs to be handled sensitively but as fairly as possible. I really hope you manage to get this resolved quickly but bear in mind it might even get worse before it gets better.

 

Lynda x <'>

Edited September 14, 2011 by Lyndalou

[bid]

Hi Matzoball,

 

I had a bad time with workplace bullying last year...below is the link to my thread, there may be things there that you might find helpful:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/Index.php?/topic/26593-workplace-bullying/

 

It really is a very horrible experience, and I hope you can get things sorted out soon <'>

 

Bid

Edited September 15, 2011 by bid

[matzoball]

Well, today one person spoke to me voluntarily which is something! Same treatment as before from the others. I went out of my way to engage one of them in conversation - to which I was told 'i've got a lot on my mind and don't want to talk to anyone'. I went back to my office and heard that self same person joking and laughing(and bitching) through the wall.

 

Spoke to management just to keep them in the loop - the onus is really on me to want to take it further at this point. If I do, it could mean the misogynist losing his job if it is taken to it's most extreme which regardless of how he is treating me I don't want to happen - it's not a good time to be unemployed! Management can take him into a meeting again - but as Lyndalou quite astutely pointed out he feels he is the one hard done by and quite frankly it just doesn't seem to stick. He has been told his behaviour is unacceptable, and he also has been told how it is affecting me - and each time he changes his tactic. This thing with the bitching with my team just seems to be the latest one. We are all still on probationary period of which there is 2 months left and the longer he continues this the worse it will be for him when it comes to the performance evaluations. I know that isn't something I should bother about, but he is a great tester and I don't want him to eff things up for himself because he has a grudge against me.

 

We had one to ones with Prospects as part of a feedback thing(they helped out with the initial selection process for trainees) - and I unofficially know that I was the main bone of contention in the misogynists one to one. So now they will be doing follow ups to see how things have panned out - and I was told that I had nothing to worry about. They know I am doing my job, and doing it well( i really hope that they aren't saying that to be kind otherwise i will feel like a right berk).

 

The only reason I don't go in and read them the riot act is that it will probably give the misogynist what he wants, and the minute I do react it will become even more of a drama. Just have to see how things pan out by tomorrow, and then will have to sit down with management and decide what's the best course of action.

 

On the plus side - I seem to have a lot more cupcakes to myself than usual...

[matzoball]

And did mention these people are on the spectrum too?

[darkshine]

And did mention these people are on the spectrum too?

I don't think you did - but I don't think this is necessarily a "being on the spectrum" thing - it sounds like jealousy or a personality clash or him viewing you incorrectly - do you think it would be helpful to possibly have a meeting with the misogynist and and intermediary to see if this can be resolved? You sound like you are being more than fair - not wanting him to lose his job, and trying to continue as normal etc...

 

I bet all those cupcakes are yum - don't eat too many though

[Lyndalou]

I wouldn't spend too much time concerned about this man's future career. From what you say, he is doing all he can to undermine you and bring other people into his vendetta against you - he doesn't care in the least about your present OR future job prospects!

 

Darkshine's suggestion about mediation may be a good way forward. If nothing else, it paints you in a positive light as a person willing to find a way out of your(s and his) current poor working relationship.

 

x

[Tally]

And did mention these people are on the spectrum too?

It just goes to show that autistic people are just as capable of behaving this way.

 

I don't think you should worry too much about this man's future. His behaviour is unacceptable and he will not get away with it in the workplace, no matter how good he is at other parts of the job. I think you need to get your managers to treat this very seriously. I'm glad you're keeping them informed anyway. I hope it will get sorted soon.

 

If you've had feedback that you're doing well, it would be very wrong if they turned around later and told you that you actually weren't. I think you must be doing well if they have told you this.

[darkshine]

Darkshine's suggestion about mediation may be a good way forward. If nothing else, it paints you in a positive light as a person willing to find a way out of your(s and his) current poor working relationship.

That's kinda what I was thinkin

[Bluesbreaker]

sounds like this guy is a typical stuck up.

 

make a stand, go into the staffroom/ mess room/ mess hall or whatever you have and just sit down, nod politely and smile break your way into it, I would, the guy has more than likely portrayed you as something you are not, which is not a good thing and i hate people who do that, so prove him wrong you can do it

[matzoball]

I ended up getting so stressed about it I brought on sensory overload last week and had to take time off work - they were cool with it as they know what caused it.

 

I had a meeting with management yesterday to discuss a way past it - there are a couple of things we are going to try such as a group meeting to re-iterate some basic work guidelines with focus on bitching and bullying - that was going to happen anyway as there are new guys starting in a few weeks so it can't be seen as a personal attack.

 

I suggested me sharing my office again so as to show I am not trying to distance myself from others(won't be sharing with the misogynist though!), and also having group based morale boosters so this afternoon we are having a sci-fi quiz with cookies and tea

 

The others are starting to interact with me again slowly so that's something...

[dekra]

Glad things have improved to a certain extend Matzoball. The others on the spectrum doing this should think themselves lucky they too are on the spectrum - it essentially gets them out of being disciplined for discrimination on disability reasons. Doesn't stop them being utter ###### though. Unfortunately you find them in all workplaces, on the spectrum or off it.

[darkshine]

I'm glad things are turning the other way slightly - hopefully the rough patch will start to smooth out