sympathy V's understanding?

[smiley1590]

feel hurt and angry when people close to me class trying to explain what it is like living with AS everyday and this get classed as wanting SYMPATHY i don't want that PITY NOTHING.... how can i make this any clearer .... get SO frustrated... by carrying on everyday being 'normal' having p/t job etc means sympathy is opposite to what i mean what i'm about awareness understanding knowledge nothing more than that! just makes me mad seething when people jump on sympathy card and " you are you in your OWN RIGHT" this may have SOME aspect of truth in it and i am ME but A.S is part of ME ... AM i making any real sense or just jabbing on ....??? hope someone gets me?!

 

XKLX

[Sidewinder040]

Hi Smiley,

 

I deleted an earlier post as i don't think it was very helpful. I am quite stubborn and proud, so I try to be nice, pleasant and hope it's reciprocated. If i have done wrong or upset someone, I apologise, but if people are just giving non-constructive criticism, I kind of try to shrug it off and ignore it. Easier said than done. Right? But i am a male, rational issues simple/emotional issues = minefield for a male AS sufferer.

 

Some people offend intentionally and they don't seem to have any qualms about it, why do you have to justify your unintentional behaviour or explain yourself?

 

I have a good employer, I have been there a long time and they have got used to my traits or idiosyncratic ways. There was a management meeting and i heard that they warned people to not persecute or 'stage whisper' about people 'who are different', the person telling me this gave a sort of accusing glance at me (I thought ). Oh well! And i thought i was doing a good job of minding my own business and being normal

 

If you mean well, people might nit-pick, but generally they will know you are a decent person who doesn't mean to offend. You don't have to keep explaining yourself!! They will get to know your ways and get used to them... eventually and you'll get to have a better idea how to cope with them.

 

Hope this helps a little,

Sidewinder

 

PS As in the song "life's not worth a damn 'til you say, I am what I am!!" - Good Luck!!

Edited October 9, 2011 by Sidewinder040

[amberzak]

Hi Smiley. I totally get where you are coming from. I don't have the problem of people close to me thinking I want sympathy (my best friend won't even entertain the idea that have as Aspergers because he can't cope with it) but those that extra circle out do. They don't get a lot of things about me.

 

When I meet people I usually make a comment about the fact that I can't tell when they are bored do if they are getting bored of me they need to be blunt and say so. I guess what I'm saying is that it might be the way you say things? Like with me I turn it into a bit of a joke.

 

My mum frustrates me sometimes because she always seems to have to add in my Aspergers all the time when I do something. Like, when I got my degree (a good level degree for anyone) my mum told everyone about it because she was so proud, but she couldn't just leave it at the fact I have a degree. She had to add 'it's so great, especially considering her problems'.

 

I totally get where you're coming from. *hugs*

[darkshine]

You know somethin smiley? If you start saying how hard something is - the first thing people seem to do (in my experience at least) is think you want sympathy.

 

So you say you struggle with something

 

reaction 1 - they try to solve it (obviously they can't all the time)

reaction 2 - they give or refuse to give sympathy

 

If you find a way of telling people things without them assuming you want them to feel all sympathetic - be sure to let me know - cuz I have the same problem (but I get the "fix it" people too which I find just as annoying)

 

When people say things to me - and I can tell they want sympathy - I can't always give it - sometimes because I don't feel it - sometimes cuz they don't deserve it - sometimes I just can't say things cuz they won't want to hear it.

 

But I believe the general trend amongst norms is that you say something is hard and makes you feel bad or struggle or whatever - one of their top reactions is on the sympathy line - whether they give it or whether they think you are being an attention seeker depends on what they are like - but in my experience the reaction is never geared towards understanding - they are too busy trying to get their thoughts across that they don't listen, they don't try, and they most definitely do not understand (probably cuz they are so wrapped up in their normal conventions that they don't think to look at things in a different way).

 

Anyway - you ever find a method of achieving understanding without all the BS that gets in the way - be sure to let me know

[Sidewinder040]

I agree with you Darkshine, about an inability to try/want to understand someone else's AS perception. Smiley could try approaching it in a 'when you say or do X, i interpret it as Y', so what do you mean by X?'. This would maybe help clear up misunderstandings.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Sidewinder040

[sesley]

agree not sympathy but understanding. We don't need sympathy for having a wonderful person with ASD,just understanding without being judgemental when he does what he does or says what he thinks in a loud voice,even if it comes across as rude and insensetive.But i am afraid that will never be the case,most people will judge a person on what they see and not what they know.Explaining to them why, some will say they understand and express some symapthy,its a human response even if we don't like it.

[darkshine]

I think some people also just don't want to understand - like some of the people I have talked to aren't even listening sometimes, or they don't have the time to unravel all the stuff to be able to make sense of it - a lot of things come out wrong - or I think they come out right but can tell from the reaction or response that the intended meaning has not carried across. I don't think this helps when attempting to achieve understanding or in reducing misunderstanding...