meeting in school tomorrow

[sonj186]

Hi all, i will fill yous in with a brief history of my sons problem!

Cameron was diagnosed with ASD at age 4 he is now 8, he goes to a small school which has 2 year groups in each class, he has a statement of 20 hours per week.

 

The problem i have is another boy in his class! lets call him Fred! Fred is also 8 years old and has a diagnosis of ADD, he has a statement of 5 hours per week.

Fred and Cameron have been at the same school since reception, they have always had a stormy relationship! but as they are getting older its getting worse! Cameron thankfully is generally a gentle boy (which im thankfull for as he is a full head above most of his year group) but there is going to come the time when it all gets too much for him and he will snap! Fred is a small boy for his age, very clever and manipulative!

Fred seems to be attracted to Cameron like a magnet so myself and his mum have tried to socialise them outwith school to try and calm things down at school but to no avail! it almost always ends up as a nightmare! Recently at home Cameron has been unsettled and not been himself i just put it down to the fact that im pregnant, but last week when i went to school to pick him up his teacher came out to me and asked for my help in removing Cameron from the class as he was sitting on the floor sobbing about an incident which had happened earlier in the day with Fred. It took me 30 mins to get Cam off the floor and to get a rough explanation of what had gone on! basicy what i could gather from what Cameron and his teachers said was - Fred had spent most of the morning annoying Cameron and wouldnt leave him alone, it then got messy during morning break and Cameron bit Fred on the leg and Fred scratched Cameron on the face! Now both teachers told me that its really wasnt Camerons fault and that it was totally out of charactor for him to do that! (he is not completley innocent) thay both agreed that he had been goaded into reacting by Fred Cameron told me that Fred had spent the morning calling him his bi£*h! now something else which is bothering me is the face that Cameron is refusing to wear certain pants and sox as Fred has told him they are gay!

Ive phoned the school and i have a meeting tomorrow with the senco/headteacher and Camerons 1 to 1, i just dont know what i want the outcome to be! ive enquired about another school for him, but i really dont want to have to move him! i just dont want the rest of his school days fogged by Fred!

realisticly is there anything the school can do?

 

sorry if ive rambled on

[justine1]

Hi

 

I was happy to see in your post that you don't totally blame the other boy and also see how you working together with the other boy's mum, thats brilliant.

 

I have just been through something similar with my eldest son Josh he is 10 yrs old he has not got ASD or anything other than the fact he is on the gifted and talented register. He was "targeted" by a boy in his class, who we eventually found out has got dyslexia and dyspraxia, since about May this year.

 

Josh came back from school before summer hols to say that the boy had been "stroking" his leg during a lesson and he was very upset, he informed a teacher who apparently did nothing. I could not varify any of it until they just returned to school in september. The problem esculated to the point where Josh said he wanted to die because kids were name calling and the boy is annoying him, he even did not want to go to school, he has only been this way once when he was bullied at a previous school a few years ago. So it was a shock. It also annoyed me as they are sitting their 11+ tests and I can't let him miss anything at school.

 

Luckily the headteacher was supportive and after speaking to me and Josh the boy's parents were called in. I told the headteacher I want the boy to be moved to another class as he makes my son uncomfortable, the boy wrote an apology note and school said they can't really move the boy. I am not happy about it but I have said I will leave it for now as they have alot going on being their last year of school. I do think I would have moved him out of school,as that is what I had to do before, however with it being the last year and the fact I know all the schools are full it would'nt make sense.However the school know I will take it furthur if it continues.

 

 

I think I had more understanding about the boy because of Josh's brother Sam who has ASD. He sounds similar to Fred he often stuck to one friend and would lash out alot.He does'nt do it now that he is at a unit and gets more support. So I guess I get both points of view of your post. I definatley would remove him from school if its causing him stress and affecting his school work, have you spoken to him about changing schools? I would he feel about it? Good luck for the meeting.

[sonj186]

Hi Justine, thanks for your reply, i really really dont want to move Cameron as im due to have a baby in 3 weeks and then his dad is heading out to afghanistan early next year which is going to unsettle him enough! Other than the blow ups with Fred he enjoys school im just worried for his future and worried about the damage we cant see!

[Kathryn]

Good luck for the meeting. I think it's important to decide what you want to happen after the meeting, and to go armed with a few suggestions, otherwise the risk is that you may get vague promises with nothing specific put in place. There are things the school should be doing, in line with their legal duty of care, to keep both your son and Fred safe and happy in school, and these steps should be set out in their behaviour or anti - bullying policy. Get a copy of it before the meeting if you can: it should reassure you that the school will take this seriously.

 

Take along a summary of incidents that have happened with Fred, in and out of the classroom, as far back as you can remember, including who you spoke to at school about it, and what action was agreed. This helps to show that this situation that has gone on over a period of time and hasn't been resolved. You can give a copy to the head afterwards.

 

Ask the school what they are doing to stop it happening. You might want to suggest a number of things: that the boys are kept apart at playtime and in class, one of them moves to another class permanently,that the school applies consequences, such as loss of playtime or other privileges etc. where necessary. Can the 1-1 support be redeployed so that a closer eye is kept on your son at certain times, e.g. playtime? Do one or both boys need more support in learning social skills, which could include encouragement to join in more with other children so they are not always together?

 

All this of course depends on what the school have been doing already. Thank them for any efforts they have made, even if it hasn't worked! It helps to keep them on side. It's important as well to stress the effect this situation is having on your son. Before you leave the meeting, clarify what the school have agreed to do and set a date for a future meeting to see if things have improved. It's always a good idea to write down your own understanding of what happened at the meeting, including a summary of the steps the school and you have agreed to take, and send it into the school shortly afterwards.

 

I hope it goes well tomorrow and that this is soon resolved so that you can enjoy the last few weeks of your pregnancy in peace!

 

K x

[Sally44]

I think your problem is quite common, just the extent it goes to can vary.

 

I too would suggest you have some very clear objectives in mind when you talk to/meet with school.

 

If it were me, along with the anti-bullying policy etc, I would be saying something to the effect that both children have got SEN, and that both children currently need additional adult supervision. I would probably say that your child [who is ASD and therefore has got all the additional speech and language and social communication problems], is very unhappy and should be kept separate from this other child as much as possible eg. separate tables during class, seated at different sides of the carpet during carpet time etc, and that staff at breaktimes were informed there was an issue and that these periods need to be monitored.

 

If these children are not getting on, I don't really understand why you are trying to socialise them together? The other child has his own issues which include using words that your child will take literally and get very upset about. Unless the other child is going to change overnight, I would be keeping my child a safe distance away.

 

Although your son may think he is a friend, he does not have the social understanding of what that means at age 4, even if he didn't have an ASD.

 

Another thing you could suggest is that the EP service trains the school in the use of "circle of friends", so that your son would have a wider network of children. He maybe too young for this at age 4, but they could try buddying approaches [and obviously you are not including the other child in the circle of friends associated with your child].

 

You could try doing a social story with your son about how other children can say words that are rude or which can upset and if that happens, the best thing to do is ..... [talk to school about what they do want your son to do - ie. there is no point telling him to tell a teacher, if when he does tell the teacher he is told off for telling tales.]

 

And if the classes are two year mixed groups, I would ask that he is not even in the same class as this other child next year.

 

I would mention to staff that IF this is not resolved it could escalate with your son becoming more and more upset/aggressive and that that is not a behaviour you want to see developing in school.

 

After the meeting, [and take notes during the meeting and ask the Parent Partnership to come with you to the meeting], send in a clarification letter of what was discussed and agreed.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Sounds like a very familiar situation. Myself and school tried to team the boys up together in the hope that a bit of teamwork would distract them from snipping, etc. To some degree it worked, but I don't think their relationship is ever going to be great.

 

Great that the school are acknowledging there is an issue. Problem is that it really is up to them to resolve. It's a difficult situation but they do have a duty of care to ensure that all kids in their care aren't being bullied, etc. Although it's very hard to deal with when kids bring their school baggage home, I guess in a way that it's good that school are seeing first-hand how it's affecting kiddo. Perhaps social stories might help covering feeling, how behaviour affects one another, etc to the class as a whole (that way not singling anyone out).

 

Great that your son has 20 hours per week support, however, I would question whether school need to look at how your son is supported. They also need to look at how the other boy is supported as 5 hours may not be enough. Sadly, in my experience the reality is that although kids may be allocated X number of hours, if there are several kids in a class with difficulties, the LA tends to dish out time with them all and not exclusively with the one child that actually has the bulk of the hours. I think the ball really is in the school's court on this one.

 

Good luck with your meeting. All you can do is convey how kiddo is affected at home by this.

 

Caroline.

[bb1976]

Hi all, i will fill yous in with a brief history of my sons problem!

Cameron was diagnosed with ASD at age 4 he is now 8, he goes to a small school which has 2 year groups in each class, he has a statement of 20 hours per week.

 

The problem i have is another boy in his class! lets call him Fred! Fred is also 8 years old and has a diagnosis of ADD, he has a statement of 5 hours per week.

Fred and Cameron have been at the same school since reception, they have always had a stormy relationship! but as they are getting older its getting worse! Cameron thankfully is generally a gentle boy (which im thankfull for as he is a full head above most of his year group) but there is going to come the time when it all gets too much for him and he will snap! Fred is a small boy for his age, very clever and manipulative!

Fred seems to be attracted to Cameron like a magnet so myself and his mum have tried to socialise them outwith school to try and calm things down at school but to no avail! it almost always ends up as a nightmare! Recently at home Cameron has been unsettled and not been himself i just put it down to the fact that im pregnant, but last week when i went to school to pick him up his teacher came out to me and asked for my help in removing Cameron from the class as he was sitting on the floor sobbing about an incident which had happened earlier in the day with Fred. It took me 30 mins to get Cam off the floor and to get a rough explanation of what had gone on! basicy what i could gather from what Cameron and his teachers said was - Fred had spent most of the morning annoying Cameron and wouldnt leave him alone, it then got messy during morning break and Cameron bit Fred on the leg and Fred scratched Cameron on the face! Now both teachers told me that its really wasnt Camerons fault and that it was totally out of charactor for him to do that! (he is not completley innocent) thay both agreed that he had been goaded into reacting by Fred Cameron told me that Fred had spent the morning calling him his bi£*h! now something else which is bothering me is the face that Cameron is refusing to wear certain pants and sox as Fred has told him they are gay!

Ive phoned the school and i have a meeting tomorrow with the senco/headteacher and Camerons 1 to 1, i just dont know what i want the outcome to be! ive enquired about another school for him, but i really dont want to have to move him! i just dont want the rest of his school days fogged by Fred!

realisticly is there anything the school can do?

 

sorry if ive rambled on

Have you tried the next step up from school? They must have to answer to somebody? is there a school ombudsman? its worth looking into this is not allowed to happen and i find that school dont tell us half of whats going on as they turn a blind eye to it anyway. good luck x bb