Hello

[Chantilly Lace]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a newbie having found this forum after research on the internet. I have a son of 21 who was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was a child. At that time I read every book I could on the subject regarding children with AS. Years have passed and now after some difficult times with him (he is still living at home after briefly living in a flat on his own) I have gone back on the internet to see how we can try and understand why we are in constant conflict with him and how we (his parents) can handle things better.

 

To give you some background, we are very proud of him as he has managed to get a top job with an international company who actually created a job for him involving visiting other branches of the company abroad and here in the UK implementing an invoice system he has devised. He is getting a nice company car and a good salary. In the past he ran his own business at 15 installing and programming cash registers (he was fascinated with them as a child) and worked as a security guard at an airport, but this seems to be the first permanent job. One of the clashes we have had is that we have asked him to contribute to the housekeeping for the first time in the sum of £200 a month which he can well afford, but he can't see why he should have to pay. We told him that we paid our parents when we started work and that was the order of things. We could do with the extra money as due to the recession my husband (who is self employed) has been experiencing the worst downturn in business since he started 18 years ago. We also have an 18 year old son at college also living at home who can't contribute anything.

 

Would love to receive advice both from parents of adult AS people and adults with Aspergers.

 

Sandra

[lindy2017]

Hello everyone,

 

I am a newbie having found this forum after research on the internet. I have a son of 21 who was diagnosed with Aspergers when he was a child. At that time I read every book I could on the subject regarding children with AS. Years have passed and now after some difficult times with him (he is still living at home after briefly living in a flat on his own) I have gone back on the internet to see how we can try and understand why we are in constant conflict with him and how we (his parents) can handle things better.

 

To give you some background, we are very proud of him as he has managed to get a top job with an international company who actually created a job for him involving visiting other branches of the company abroad and here in the UK implementing an invoice system he has devised. He is getting a nice company car and a good salary. In the past he ran his own business at 15 installing and programming cash registers (he was fascinated with them as a child) and worked as a security guard at an airport, but this seems to be the first permanent job. One of the clashes we have had is that we have asked him to contribute to the housekeeping for the first time in the sum of £200 a month which he can well afford, but he can't see why he should have to pay. We told him that we paid our parents when we started work and that was the order of things. We could do with the extra money as due to the recession my husband (who is self employed) has been experiencing the worst downturn in business since he started 18 years ago. We also have an 18 year old son at college also living at home who can't contribute anything.

 

Would love to receive advice both from parents of adult AS people and adults with Aspergers.

 

Sandra

Hi, I have a son at home doingapprenticeship hes 22 on last yearnow we take money from him at first i dont think he understood why ....all of my 4 children have traits youngest dx with aspergers coupl e of months ago....must be an aspie thing youll have to explain in detail why .....my eeldest son isvery giving now he is 33 has own IT business due to obsession....he gave me this laptop im now....and maybe because adolescents years last a bit longer he really hasnt thought about why he should.......lindy

[Kathryn]

Hi Chantilly Lace, welcome to the forum: glad you found us.

 

I have a 22 year old who is at university so we aren't in the same situation regarding money - she has never earned a salary. We do clash when she's at home: I think it's normal between adult children and parents all living in the same house! Probably a healthy sign that the children are exercising their independence as well, but it's not easy.

 

Obviously your son should be paying you. He is not a dependent child any more but an adult living under your roof. £200 is extremely reasonable and doesn't even cover food, utilities, internet and other household costs: and all the care and attention he wouldn't get elsewhere (cooked meals, washing etc!). If he was living alone he would have rent on top of all that. He has lived alone so he must be aware of what it costs? Would he be open to reason if you showed him the sums and gave him a breakdown of what things cost? Then he might be able to see what the extra money is needed for and that you're not just robbing him of his hard earned dough.

 

Apart from that the only option I suppose is to get tough and say it's non negotiable and he's free to move out if he doesn't like it. Maybe others here have ideas which involve less confrontation! I think this issue has come up on the forum before so you're not alone.

 

K x

[oxgirl]

Apart from that the only option I suppose is to get tough and say it's non negotiable and he's free to move out if he doesn't like it.

 

I'm totally with Kathryn on this point, that's what I'd do. Your lad sounds extraordinarily able to have been head-hunted and to manage to hold down such a good job and enjoy all the perks that go with it. I really can't see how he can be that able and not 'understand' why he needs to pay rent to you! I know my lad finds it hard when things have always been one way and then suddenly they change to be another way, but your lad must see that before he earned money it would be okay for him not to pay rent but that now things have changed and he earns a good wage, then he should. Sorry, if it were me, I'd be saying it was totally unreasonable of him to expect NOT to pay and that he'll start paying something towards costs this month or start looking for a flat of his own. I'd also make sure I was not waiting on him hand and foot either, if he's that able and can travel extensively with his job, etc., he can do his own washing and cleaning and help with cooking and washing up, etc. as well.

 

~ Mel ~

[Chantilly Lace]

Thanks for your comments. He did say a while ago that having lived in a flat he knows there are major expenses and said he would pay us when he got paid enough. Now whenever we try and bring the subject up there is a major meltdown with him and I suppose as we his parents are non confrontational it all gets swept under the carpet for now. I think the job is causing him some anxiety maybe and this is his reaction. Will wait until he gets in tonight and will show him the comments here so he knows we are not trying to extort money from him!

[Kathryn]

I forgot to say earlier- well done to him: it's hard for anybody to get a job these days, let alone such a good job. Hope he finds his feet soon.

 

K x