How do you make friends on this forum?

[Tanya52]

Dear all,

 

I'm not very regular here for a simple reason. I’ve posted a few messages on Help and Advise and it was good. Later I participated on some of the threads where regulars are gathering but perhaps my messages were not cool enough or might be not hot enough for local population, so I accepted my defeat. This is my fifth MB. I found the same dynamics in all cyber I participated: BBC MB’s, Yahoo groups and another Asperger’s network for New Zealanders and Australians.

 

I’m not very popular and as a consequence have very little communication in a cyber space or face-to-face.

 

Could you please advise me how to make a few friends on this board?

 

What is the key to become popular in this cyber community?

Many thanks

[Tally]

Hi Tanya,

 

I'm glad you got helpful replies when asking for advice. This shows that you are not doing anything wrong, because if you were upsetting people they would not want to reply to you. Your posts must have been relevant and polite.

 

I think the key to making friends here is to get involved. If people aren't aware you are here, they don't have chance to become your friend. I think the reason you haven't made any particular friends is because you simply don't post often enough for people to get to know you yet. There's absolutely nothing wrong with what you do post, so don't worry about trying to be "cool" or anything - you are fine as you are, we just need to see more of you

[RainbowsButterflies]

*waves* Hi Tanya

 

I think Tally has hit the nail on the head. I'm definitely guilty of not posting very much even though I read posts almost every day. And most of the threads I do post in are the more off-topic ones as I'm not in the best place myself to be advising others. I also often write and delete as I can't get the words to say what I mean them to say.

 

So come and play more, and I will try and take my own advice

[darkshine]

Sometimes its hard to know what to say... I read things and want to say something but don't (for various reasons ranging from stupid to realistic lol) - I'm not sure who I would say is popular or not, I wouldn't worry about that...

 

Just this once I'm gonna post this (I was about to delete cuz I don't know how to finish) so this post will randomly end here

[RainbowsButterflies]

Just this once I'm gonna post this (I was about to delete cuz I don't know how to finish) so this post will randomly end here

 

I'm so glad it's not just me lol

[Tanya52]

Hi Tally,

 

I get confused when I address my messages to someone and get no reply. I know that there perhaps maybe many different reasons for it.

 

I don’t understand if I’m expected to greet people every time (which I do) or use any politeness markers, because I’m not familiar with all of you, regulars. So, perhaps my cyber image might be seen as a bit over accommodating which in social interaction synonymous to boring.

[Tanya52]

Hi RB,

 

I’d like to play with you, thanks.

[Tanya52]

Hi Darkshine,

 

I’d say that my barometer of popularity is a personal feeling of been accepted and staying in my comfort zone. In this respect I presume that you’re more advanced here looking how many msgs you’ve posted. I’m giving you a credit for it.

[darkshine]

I'm so glad it's not just me lol

I do it A LOT - and there's loads of other reasons that I don't reply to certain things too

 

Hi Darkshine,

 

I’d say that my barometer of popularity is a personal feeling of been accepted and staying in my comfort zone. In this respect I presume that you’re more advanced here looking how many msgs you’ve posted. I’m giving you a credit for it.

You said earlier that people don't reply sometimes, even when you address them specifically, there's often many reasons for this - using myself as an example:

 

Sometimes there is no answer, sometimes the conversation has to end somewhere, sometimes things get lost (like when I was ill and had 97 notifications - I missed a lot of things and had to manually check each and every board to see what I'd missed from the date I was last on properly), and sometimes the matter that was really important at the time, becomes resolved and interest drops

 

I can't answer for everyone else, but they might share some of these reasons and have more to add - for what its worth you come across as nice and friendly

 

Its funny about posts - when I first joined I was really aware of it (I just noticed I have 6 little dots and mont blanc next to my name) what's funny is that I missed 3, 4, and 5 dots which means I never saw scafell pike, snowdon and ben nevis - somewhere on here I said I'd never get to the mountains on the member titles!!!

 

Oh what little I knew - and if you hadn't said what you just said I'd have missed mont blanc too as I'm only a few from moving on again!

I wouldn't really say I was advanced on here (or popular) its just that I have plenty to say at times, even if its just popping in a smiley to show that I read something and shared the same sentiment (like in sally44's tribunal case post where I couldn't think of anything to say or add to what had been said already). Other times its because I ask questions, or say things that people don't agree with (its amazing how many posts get made when having a debate or interesting discussion).

 

When I first joined this forum I was pretty emotional and confused so my posts were sporadic - sometimes said nothin, other times said and posted loads - but I had to really force myself to get involved, I'm not good at it and in "real life" I stand in the shadows, so it takes a lot of energy some days to have interest, dare to state my opinion etc.

 

All I can say is comment when you think you really want to comment, start threads if there's things you want to ask or share - however serious, pointless, mundane or funny they may or may not be, and get as involved as you want to at any given time (you don't have to maintain a constant effort if you don't want to - plenty of people come on here and just read or dip in and out) but if you want more than just reading your gonna have to see if you find any connections with people and the only way is to speak up - which is easier on here than real life sometimes cuz at least there's the opportunity to say things in full without being interrupted (even if sometimes things get ignored or lost in the ether)

A brief note on disagreements - I know half a dozen people on here are VERY put off because of some of the disagreements that occur - my philosophy is this:

 

Say I have a major argument with the wonderful RB in a thread somewhere (this has never happened she is fabulous) if she then comments in another topic that I want to post in, I drop any feelings I might have had on the previous argument and start again, I try to keep each thread to itself (sometimes there are threads that are linked but not all the time) so you might see me arguing with a person badly in one, and agreeing with that same person in another on a different subject - I think this is best because then things don't get personal and no grudge is held, and because we each have different feelings on various topics so its not fair to judge someone on a couple of discussions.

 

And because that's a far bigger chunk of writing than I intended (hence the luverly colours to break it up) I'm gonna leave it there if you want more of my nutjob reasons relating to posts feel free to ask - its an interesting discussion and I think there are other people on here with similar concerns that may benefit from the discussion (well there might be) hehe

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Tanya52]

Hi Darkshine,

 

Talking about real life, how are your studies with OU?

 

I mean, I can only tell people my opinion from my point of view trying to avoid generalisations when I have no concrete evidence to back them up. It might sounds like I’m a bit self-opinionated and self-centred. I don’t know.

[Tally]

I think sometimes once people have read and replied to a thread once, they don't always go back to it again. They normally do if it's something they're very interested in, but if they feel they have told you all they can in their first reply, they might not look again. So don't be offended if people don't come back and reply a second time - they might not have seen what you said, or have nothing new to add.

 

It's not always necessary to reply to everyone individually. If, for example, you asked for some advice and got several suggestions, you might post a reply thanking everyone for their suggestions and say which one you wanted to try first. You might specifically address someone if you wanted to say something particular to them or ask for more information. Other than that, there's no real need to address people individually - it also leaves the conversation open for new people to comment on your replies.

 

Your opinion might be very valuable to someone, so don't worry about having concrete evidence. There is not normally any approach that would help everyone, so most people seeking advice are really seeking suggestions. It's up to them to read through and decide what they think will work best for them. You might be able to tell someone about something that worked for you, or shed light on a situation based on your own experiences. You don't need to scientifically back up your suggestions and experiences.

[darkshine]

Hi Darkshine,

 

Talking about real life, how are your studies with OU?

 

I mean, I can only tell people my opinion from my point of view trying to avoid generalisations when I have no concrete evidence to back them up. It might sounds like I’m a bit self-opinionated and self-centred. I don’t know.

Hiya

 

OU is on a total break cuz I really really need one, gonna start again in about 15 months

 

I find it hard sometimes when I am saying something - because generalisations don't seem to help at all and its annoying when there's no evidence for comments and things can sound like opinionated but here's the thing:

 

When you talk to someone (especially on the advice side of things) I think it is ok to have an opinion, maybe it has facts, maybe you knew someone in a similar situation or saw something on telly, or maybe you just have a gut feeling of what you think, maybe you want to throw in something everyone hasn't thought about - I think that's fine - like all adds to the variety of a discussion kinda thing

 

Try not to think too much (people say this to me A LOT) but its true, the more you think about what you say, the harder it is to say anything, because it can just become impossible - like everything I say sometimes feels flawed - and sometimes I got bothered by mild critique and then can't say anything because of trying to second guess how every word sounds, or how it'll be interpreted - and its too much - I'm totally neurotic sometimes

 

Sometimes people say "just be yourself" well on here you can be whichever "you" you want to be, forget any of the rubbish thoughts and just be - and the brilliant thing is that when you've had enough you can just turn off your computer

 

Happy typing

[spam390]

Hiya,

As usual, sound advice and thoughtful suggestions have been given (as we can expect from people who naturally spend a lot more time thinking about the complexities of communication than most ! LOL).

 

I'm sure lots of people on the site would be happy to 'talk' to you, I know I would. Feel free to send me a message and I can catagorically say, without doubt, that I will reply in return

 

Also, try to remember that everyone here can understand where you're coming from, and also, everyone here has a 'complicated' time of it, for various reasons.

 

For some, time is in short supply and so they must see to their own needs first e.g.getting help with a particular issue, and they simply don't have enough hours in the day to just come online for a chat. Others may rely on online chats as their only 'true' socialising.

 

Basically, give yourself a break. You're going to make friends, just keep at it and don't take any 'no reply' as personal cos I can assure you it won't be, people just get distracted by day to day living (I know for me, day to day living can be VERY full! )

[darkshine]

Hiya,

As usual, sound advice and thoughtful suggestions have been given (as we can expect from people who naturally spend a lot more time thinking about the complexities of communication than most ! LOL).

 

I'm sure lots of people on the site would be happy to 'talk' to you, I know I would. Feel free to send me a message and I can catagorically say, without doubt, that I will reply in return

 

Also, try to remember that everyone here can understand where you're coming from, and also, everyone here has a 'complicated' time of it, for various reasons.

 

For some, time is in short supply and so they must see to their own needs first e.g.getting help with a particular issue, and they simply don't have enough hours in the day to just come online for a chat. Others may rely on online chats as their only 'true' socialising.

 

Basically, give yourself a break. You're going to make friends, just keep at it and don't take any 'no reply' as personal cos I can assure you it won't be, people just get distracted by day to day living (I know for me, day to day living can be VERY full! )

 

 

I love it when people say things far more concisely than me - maybe I'll learn how to, one of these days - either that or I'll change my member name to "rambler"

[Tanya52]

Hi all,

 

I'm truly grateful for your piece of advice and encouragement. I read plenty of books about communication but my performance doesn’t much my competence. Besides, my comprehension of what is happening in communication somewhat schematic and totally based on linguistic models.

 

It was worth asking, thanks.

[dekra]

I have been on the forum for goodness around 6 months now (where'd the time go?) and I've not made many posts. The types of post I make are generally to ask about specific issues, to thank people that have replied to a query I have make and possibly to ask more details, to just put my tuppence worth in and to put in a message of support if someone has had a tough time or good result (like sally and her tribunal). I don't read all the posts that are made and I don't really have time to be a big contributer to the forum but the forum has been here for me when I've needed support and advice and I like to try to repay that to others, even if it's just repeating to someone else advice I've already been given or to add my own experience of a situation for a comparision.

 

Best advice I can give is just to relax, don't force "friendshop" issues. Participate in the forum as and when you feel comfortable and I am sure you will gradually feel more at home and accustomed to it.

[AdamJ]

One more bit of advice: I like it when people add me to their friends list and I like it even more when anyone feels a good enough connection with my thoughts to want to send me a private message. I'm sure most here would agree with this so don't be shy about adding friends and sending PMs.

 

I was offline (in hospital) for 12 days this month so I wasn't able to reply quickly to one person's PM but I did as soon as I was able. I never ignore anyone's PM.

 

Best wishes, Tanya.

 

Adam