School nightmares for Grandson

[nysnanna]

My 12 year old grandson is attending mainstream secondary and is now displaying tics and obsessions again that left him 2 years ago. His anxiety levels have increased so much since September that it is heartbreaking taking him to school each morning. He is very tall and physically mature but his main problem for other pupils and staff is that is interest/obsession is street culture and urban clothing and also rap music. Although diagnosis of ASD and ADHD most of his teachers treat him as a problem youth with attitude instead of a boy with autism struggling to fit in. His peers reject him and constantly call him a 'chav'. He spends the majority of his time in school corridors, being sent out of lessons for shouting out, despite having increasing amounts of 1:1 support.

He has no friends and is desperate to not go to school anymore.

He is not statemented but has always had a lot of support on school action plus. We live in Notts, a County notorious for not issuing statements and it is a nightmare getting anyone to even agree that the school cannot meet his needs.

It is his first day back tomorrow and he has asked me to phone the school to ask if he can not go into lessons but stay in the 'oasis', a unit for children with SEN to use for time out. On his last day of half term, during the last lesson, he got into a fight, because he said he was pushed to his limit. Unfortunately this was not resolved before the end of school and he has been worrying about it.

I have promised him he will not have to go into school until I have spoken to someone there but my instinct is to not send him back at all, not an option I know, but its how I feel. To see his anxiety levels increasing and for him to becoming more and more isolated every day is so difficult.

He has now been asking, how many times he would be allowed to punch someone, is it ok to punch them before they hit him, should he stop hitting when they are on the floor etc. He is a very big, strong boy and we are now worried about how he is going to react to being 'got at' by his peers. He says he is not scared of them, he just doesn't get on with them and they don't like him, but he is now saying he is not going to let them carry on calling him a 'chav'. When I have mentioned this to the school in the past, I am just told that he must not use violence or he will be excluded. For him it is not as straight forward as that and exclusion appeals to him anyway.

When I ask about alternative schools we are told he would never get a statement in Nottinghamshire and that the schools for special needs children are for children with severe learning difficulties. Although my grandson is working at about 3b instead of 4b it is largely because of his learning style, rather than his intellectual ability, according to the professionals. He is falling further behind now and we are at a loss as to what to do for him. He is becoming more anxious, confused and lonely by the day and I am becoming increasingly concerned about his mental health.

He lives with his Mother and 3 younger siblings but as his Mother has Aspergers and struggles in her relationship with the school, I am the one that takes responsibility for trying to ensure he gets the education that he is entitled to. We offer as much support as we can to him, his Mum and his siblings and are at our wits end now.

I know this is a ramble but if anyone has any suggestions I would be extremely grateful. Any suggestions about getting a statement in Notts or any knowledge of schools around Notts. Any ideas please. Thanks in advance.

[oxgirl]

Hi nysnanna, so sorry to hear about your grandson's suffering. I really feel for him and know exactly what it's like to watch a child feeling so desperate and isolated. My lad is 18 now and, thank goodness, is out of the school system, but it was an extremely lonely time for him and I very much regret keeping him there, tbh.

 

I would def. call an emergency meeting with the Head, SENCO and your lad's teacher to fully discuss his difficulties, how they are affecting him and what they plan to do to help him. Is he doing the full curriculum or does he spend some time of his day in the OASIS room? My lad was based at an ASD unit attached to a mainstream school, so he was able to spend some of his time in the unit and just go into a handful of mainstream lessons. Would your lad cope better if he could drop some subjects, spend part of the day in the OASIS unit and just attend some lessons? That way he could get a break from the rest of the mainstream kids each day to recharge his batteries and just go to lessons that he could succeed at.

 

Is he getting any support from CAMHS at the moment? It is very difficult for children who are isolated from their peers, I remember how terrible my lad felt. He was out of school for the last two years of primary, home educated, and went into the unit at the start of his secondary school career. It wasn't long after he'd started at the secondary school that he learnt that he was weird, didn't fit in and that nobody liked him or wanted to be his friend, he didn't know this until he started there. It was obviously terrible for his self esteem and confidence and he still hasn't recovered. Even though he came out with three A's in all GCSE sciences, as far as I'm concerned, it wasn't worth the cost to his mental health and well-being and I wish we had never put him through it, although at the time it felt like the only option.

 

Sorry for rambling on. I hope things improve for your grandson soon.

All the best.

 

~ Mel ~

[butterfly73]

What a terrible situation.. all to familiar (from primairy and secundairy schools). If you've been open about his AS and ADHD, they should have a plan to help him out!!

School needs to prove how they are helping him.. Ask what they're doing!! Let thém do the work!!

 

and loads of luck..

[Sally44]

He has now been asking, how many times he would be allowed to punch someone, is it ok to punch them before they hit him, should he stop hitting when they are on the floor etc. He is a very big, strong boy and we are now worried about how he is going to react to being 'got at' by his peers. He says he is not scared of them, he just doesn't get on with them and they don't like him, but he is now saying he is not going to let them carry on calling him a 'chav'. When I have mentioned this to the school in the past, I am just told that he must not use violence or he will be excluded. For him it is not as straight forward as that and exclusion appeals to him anyway.

 

The above is very worrying because he could get excluded for this behaviour. HOWEVER he is asking these questions due to real difficulties he is having due to bullying and also his lack of social understanding or ability to sort things out any other way. He has and ASD and to get a diagnosis he MUST have difficulties with speech and language and social communication and emotional literacy. These are special educational needs that the school/LA MUST identify and MUST support.

 

I've already pm'd you. My advice would be a school meeting, and also a request for a statutory assessment for a Statement. Nottingham's stance of "refusing to do Statements" is illegal. A SEN Tribunal would Order them to assess your child for a Statement. You just need to write a letter to the LA asking them to assess and give a brief outline of all his areas of difficulty. If/when Nottingham refuses to assess, you lodge an appeal with SEND.

 

I would also advise that you keep a daily diary of things your grandson says and does [such as the instances you have detailed above]. This is all evidence of his needs.

Edited February 21, 2012 by Sally44