Really Struggling at the Moment

[amberzak]

I'm doing an intensive Maths course, which will lead to Teacher Training. As usual, being in a social group, I am really struggling.

 

I am so sick of people saying things like 'there is nothing wrong with you.' If that were the case, then why do over half the class laugh at me, talk about me behind my back and make comments about how weird I am.

 

I'm so desperate to fit in. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it.

 

I found this in a website, and it totally sums up how I feel most of the time:

 

'One might wonder why some with Asperger want so much to "fit in". It is so that a person with Asperger is seen by most normal people as "different", even though many of those normal people will violently deny this when confronted ("There's nothing wrong with you!"). And some normal people naturally follow the line, "This person is different from what I am used to/This person therefore annoys me/Therefore I have to make this person suffer/As hard as I can/As long as I can/And I get away with it easily as this person cannot defend oneself/Otherwise I would not dare bully this person as I am an extreme coward and cry for my female parent while defecating in my trousers whenever someone so much as points a finger at me in response to my bullying". As a result, persons with Asperger tend to be the target of extreme continuous torture in almost every social environment they are or become part of. They are the natural focus of the inferior's hatred. Yes, it says "torture", and not "abuse" or even "teasing", as one sometimes sees, as those disgusting euphemisms do not even begin to describe reality. It is in the light of this life-long suffering that one must see the attempts of some misguided Aspergers to "fit in". They think the torture will end if they learn to act normal. But it will not and they can not.'

 

If you want to read more, the website is this: http://www.paulcooijmans.com/asperger/straight_talk_about_asperger.html It really hit the nail on the head for me. I'm just really finding things hard at the moment.

[amberzak]

I feel like I've gone back like 10 steps. I'd just started to get the courage to join everyone for lunch rather than sitting in the classroom all lunch (everyone sits in the canteen all around one big table and I find that hard).

 

After today, I feel that tomorrow I am just going to stay in the classroom again at lunch and not go down for lunch.

[darkshine]

I'm sorry you feel like this - I used to feel like it of course I don't go out and mix with people much so don't have to deal with it. Although groups I've joined in the past didn't have this aspect so I wonder if the school environment is what is making these people act like kids instead of adults.

 

You don't need people who make you feel like this, they are small minded and are operating with a stupid pack mentality and it is not fair.

 

I'm sure there's things you can do, but I hate offering exact advice on how to act as its not easy for me to know exactly what's happening in their minds and yours,or how everyone looks when they do stuff etc etc etc - All I can say is hold your head up and carry on with your life and be proud of who you are and what makes you "you", don't let the bas***ds get you down, just remember why you are doing this, you will prove them all wrong at the end of the day when you become a great teacher - and I really believe you will!!

 

If it gets too much for you, speak to someone about this - there is a fine line between someone being made to feel uncomfortable and outright bullying - don't be afraid to seek advice or support from someone on site

 

PS - don't hide - it makes you feel worse and further excludes you, thereby making the cycle go round because you'll seem weird for not joining in and so on - you don't need to hide in a classroom, you are worth far more than that (unless you really want to sit in a classroom - which is your choice - just don't let anyone else make you think you have to do that!!)

 

Best

 

Darkshine

Edited March 14, 2012 by darkshine

[Tanya52]

Oh damn,

 

I give you a hug. So sorry. We're here to support you.

 

[LancsLad]

Aberzak will try and help if I can, suspect by now you know you will get a very pragmatic response from me, might be what you are looking for might not.

 

In many ways I can only answer this in hindsight and from my own recent experience away from home at university.

 

When I went to university is was looking to achieve two things. The first expecatation was to get my masters qualification. In many ways this was wholly in my own hands. As a registered disabled student I knew if their were significant dificulties to overcome in respect to my course the university would try and be accomodating which they where. This expectation was resonable given my background and suspected intelligence level, which proved to be a correct assumption on my part and I completed the course.

 

My second expectation was to try and take some significant strides forwards in my life following a breakdown and four years as a student traveling in from home on a foundation then honuors course which was comfortably within my capabilities, felt more like an active hobby to be truthfull. Wraped up in this second expectation were thoughts of friendship, inclusivity, fun, social activity, interest development etc... looking back were these reasonable expectations on my part, what I do know is a lot of components in them were outside my direct control and as such needed the cooperation and involvment of others.

 

The reality is a lot of the expectations in the second group fell by the wayside, and I believe in my case there were obvious reasons for this. I started off with the best intentions and joined a number of clubs in freshers week which I knew I was good at and wanted something away from my own subject area. Unfortunatlly being a postgrad lecture commitments are so much higher than undergrad levels and work was pretty heavy so Wednesday afternoons was a no go. At the weekends I wanted to go home as I missed my partner and son so much in the week and only once in two years when they were away at my in laws did I stay. I did however make good friends with two or three people in my appartment block and we went walking and indoor climbing quite a bit which was a positive.

 

In respect to making friends on my course it was too much of a pressure area and a bit too competitive for that to really work in the early days, I doubt many of them keep in touch with each other now, rather as social animals they tended to get on because they had to and were together for a two year period. Very early on I saw the university department to be the animal that it was and is, sometimes these things are just in the nature of things not good or bad. I therefore decided to simply focus on the work when I had to, be polite to everyone and play the role of the experienced mature individual who was confident in their own abilities and who was also pretty independent, all things which are true. Over time I did make some friends on the course and people gravitated towards me, if anything they offered me a lot more than I could ever hope to offer in return and I will forever be gratefull for their 'companionship' wouldn't say we were best mates but we got on ok.

 

Amberzak I would say just be yourself and do whatever comes naturally. Let people draw their own conclusions and I suspect you havn't a clue what they think of you. In my second year my appartment neighbour started the course a year below me and as such would meet with my year group. He told me one day that I hadn't got a clue what my peers thought of me, and that the vast majority really looked up to me and really respected everything about me my honesty, integrity, impartiality etc.. I was in tears when he told me this. Inside I felt uncomfortable in the group at times felt like I should make more effort socially, felt like a bit of an outsider. What I am saying is my perceptions were completely wrong, but from an AS perspective totally understandable. Early in my second year I was a bit down and had taken on a project on my own whilst others were in groups of three or four and was feeling the strain as 'my' expectations of what I wanted to produce were in line with what they were trying to produce in groups. I remeber coming out of a personal critique with the tutor a very respected and talented individual and the group went in after me. When they came out they asked me how it had gone and I said ok, but admited I was struggling a little and feeling the pressure, they looked at me open eyed and one said do you not know what the tutor really thinks of me, which I honestly replied 'no I don't'. They then explained that the majority of their tutorial was spent talking about my work and how I went about it and how amazing she though it was, and I was as a person, I cried again.

 

The two situations were close together and a real wake up call for me and gave me a lot of confidence. They showed me a number of things people are not good at saying what they really think to your face at times, this might be because we can be a bit awkward to speak to at times, they have no strong feelings, or simply they are under pressure and have got other things on their mind. I know I feel this void and as such feel compeled to fill it with my own ideas as to how people might feel. This is where the im no good at.... thinking can come in and fill that space with a lot of negative. Often we have no real evidence to do this rather we transpose our own feelings and social expectations into the space and it all looks a mess. Once I had my wake up call I felt very different in my peer group, I felt respected and that at the time is all I wanted. I do not think for one second anyone behaved any differently to me it was I interperated what they said and did very differently. As a result I didn't really change my behaviour but I was far more comfortable with it which made all the difference.

 

So the question is did I make significant strides forwards in my life and as such was it a realistic expectation. The answer is yes I did but not in the way I envisaged it. I set off trying to force the issue and through practicalities went back an concentrated on the prioroty which I had control over passing the course. In doing so I was true to myself and let other people make judgements on me based on honesty. The biggest event for me towards the end of the second year was getting my AS diagnosis. The response of the 'important majority' section of the group is if you are happy we are very happy for you, the others were simply not bothered.

 

Amberzak there are no rules which must be obeyed like eating together, do what you want to and be honest and open to yourself, if its too hard its too hard. I have understood that trying to fix myself is not the way forwards but rather it is all about accepting the person I am the good bits and the many bad bits. In many ways university is an assesment environment, but this only relates to your work, don't make the mistake it is an assesment of you as a person and your social skills. If you keep throwing yourself artificially into peer group social scenarios they will start to make an assesment if that is what you want, but it is their choice to decide if they like you and you have to listen to what they say, not put words into their mouths. If you decide you would rather not engage in social scenarios that is your choice. In that instance i suspect your peers will respect your decision and in truth possibly come to the conclusion we don't really know this person so we have no real opinion of her, likewise you can't put words into their mouths. If you want to think the world is against you you can of course think that if you wish, but my experience is that often it is not and thinking that way only stops me achieving other important things in my life. If you let this social thing become a big issue you are in danger of sabotaging your primary goal to pass the course and qualify to be a teacher.

 

Thats my pragmatic response, best wishes.

[A-S warrior]

this is the one time where i would say, you are not there to make friends, you are there to get your qualification. freinds are just a mere bouns. at the end of the day you have us and a husband to come home to. and thats all that really matters in the grand scheme of things. pepeole that talk about you behind your back are not pepole you want to waste your energy on, save that energy for the pepole that matter in your life, the pepole that dont mind matter, the pepole that mind dont matter its as simple as 2+2! the amount of pepole ive ditched over the years because there two faced and untrustworthy, its really easy for me to delete there number and blank them in the street as soon as they step out of line. im also doing a maths class, im as mad as a box of frogs but because there genuine pepole they love me regardless.

Edited March 15, 2012 by A-S warrior