Feeling a bit 'low'

[JeanneA]

Glen came home on Friday for his weekend stay. He seemed fine Friday and Saturday although I did feel he wasn't as relaxed/settled as his last home stay I could he was anxious at times.

 

Glen was very anxious this morning when he knew he was going to his Dad's. :-( His dad picked him up and took him for a car ride and Glen said on the ride "home/mummy". (Glen rarely speaks) Glen did settled down eventually especially as his dad bought him an ice lolly which I suggested (his dad rang me) and had lunch at his dad's. Glen has gone back ok to the care home. I will give them a call later to see how he is.

 

It doesn't get any easier, it's times like this when I wish I could have Glen at home with me all the time but I just know that it isn't possible.

[lisac]

Bless you Jeanne, i am behind you all the way, love to you xx

[Sally44]

These are scenarios that you never know you are signing up for when you decide to have a family [or even if you didn't decide and it happened!]. All I can say is that Glen is very fortunate to have such caring parents.

 

You really are doing what is best for him and best for you. But, as a mum, you still feel guilty.

 

Now that I have my own kids, I understand how my mum used to say that "your children are always your children."

 

My mum still says things to me like "wrap up warm", and i'm nearing my 50th birthday!

 

Enjoy your time with Glen, and remember that if he were at home 24/7 that both he and you would be tired and stressed and probably not coping well or enjoying time together.

 

Plus, it was lovely that he did speak, and that he was able to communicate that going to his dads was something he was finding extra difficult.

[LancsLad]

Jeanne when i read your post today i was imediatly taken back to an exercise we used to do with couples and individuals who were on an induction course thinking about going into foster care. I am not sure if this will work on a forum but you may get the gist of it.

 

In trying to get across what it is like emotionaly to work with kids who can be challenging in many different ways we used to bring in some different size containers to represent individuals, children, adults, parents etc.. and would then fill them up to different levels with coloured water to represent emotional states. The exercise was then to transfare the water around between the various containers, which always proved to be difficult. In doing the exercise we were trying to get a number of points across. The first one is that our emotional resources are not limetless and we can at times be in danger of running on empty because we give too much away. Another point we were trying to make is that other individuals only have so much capacity to take content on board and that this could be very frustrating at times. We would take things a stage further and put cling film over the containers representing children just to demonstrate that sometimes we try to pour our emotions into them our love and affection but often this simply bounces off leaving a bit of a mess with us being left a little emptier.

 

It must be really hard to have Glen away from your care for long periods. I am sure there is a lot of love, care and support for him in his residential placement, as a result his container is possibly being filled and emptied a little every day.In anticipation of coming home and seeing his mum I am sure he empties it a bit to make sure he leaves a bit of space to get some really valued fresh love from his mum. I guess the issue I am trying to raise here jeanne is your container is pretty big and as such you feel you can give so much more to Glen on the occassions you see him, but he does have a limited capacity and this must be very frustrating. Sure you know when you had him a home all the time he would empty you dry but that is not the point. The issue is what do you do with this extra fluid?

 

I think the answer is that over time you will be able to see that the new situation is sustainable for everyone concerned and as such is in everyones interest. The problem will then not be for the residential home, they will be fine, nor with Glen he will be fine as well. The real problem what do you put into your own life to fill the space whaich would have been there if Glen was home as before. Jeanne you have a lot of emotion and energy to decide what to do with. You could of course pour it all out onto Glen every time you see him but this is a waste beyond filling his own container to the top. To be honest I have no answers in this respect but I might just be able to see the problem.

 

Jeanne I suspect you have done a really good job as a parent and will continue to do so, but you have time and enrgy and emotion on your hands. Once things are stable I think it will be time to invest it into something productive, my suggestion is yourself!

 

Best wishes.

[JeanneA]

Lancslad I don't know what to say except to thank you so much for what you have said, I have just read it and re read it :-) You don't know how much I appreciate your words you are so right. I am typing this with tears in my eyes I am a very emotional person I always have been. Making that decision in May last year in placing Glen in the care home was the most hardest thing I have ever done. In the first few months I thought to myself did I make the right decision? but as time went on I knew I had. All 3 of my kids are the most important people in my life and I feel sometimes that my eldest 2 have felt left out due to the attention that has gone on Glen due to his problems. They assure me though they haven't felt that way and have always been very supportive.

 

Anyway, getting back to your fantastic comments, I can see exactly what you mean and agree that I should in time think of myself a bit more which I will make every effort to do.

 

I have just rung up the care home and Glen has been very settled upon his return. He enjoyed his roast dinner and pudding and is currently watching a dvd. which is lovely to hear

 

Thanks again lancslad (( ))

[A-S warrior]

arthur guinness always cheers me up lol.

[JeanneA]

nice one A-S

[dekra]

I am guessing having Glen home really exausts you both emotionally and physically so no wonder you feel low at times Jeanne. Try thinking of the time between visits as your recharge time so you are as fully rested and prepared as you can be for a visit and can then make it the best experience possible for you both. Whilst each visit will have it's ups and downs try to focus on the ups and making the most of them. I might be reading too much into situations but I am guessing when Glen was at home full time there was not a lot of the good times left for you both as things had gotten too much so visits with both good and bad are an improvement. I also think you still feel guilt at Glen going residential but you know it's been the best thing for you both.

[Mandapanda]

Glen said on the ride "home/mummy". (Glen rarely speaks)

 

That's lovely really - though it probably made you worry about him!

 

When I took Aw back yesterday he was completely silent all the way there. It is difficult x

[JeanneA]

Hi dekra an manda thanks for your kind comments. Yes there were not many good times particularly the last 2 years of Glen living here, it was truly an awful period, hate to say it but its true. So no at least there are good and bad times when Glen's comes and even the bad times are nowhere near like they were when he was living here. It is exhausting though emotionally for me before during and after the visits but I do recharge my batteries inbetween! I do look forward to seeing Glen so much and miss him dreadfully but he is the right place.

Sorry to hear your son was quiet on his visit home Manda, it is difficult but hang in there I'm sure it will be worth it in the end. :-)

[darkshine]

Lancslad what you last said was very insightful - and not just for Jeanne either - for myself personally I think that is a good way of looking at things some times. My own emotional container varies from the size of a teaspoon when I'm overloaded - and goes up to the size of a waterfall when I get obsessively focused on something.

 

As such I either leave people feeling like they can't give or receive anything from me - despite me not meaning to do that - or I overload people with the contents that I don't just pour gently at people - no no, I throw an ocean on them and wonder why they act like they are drowning or why they can't handle it).

 

Useful thinking if it can be remembered at the right times...

[LancsLad]

Thanks for the comments. In any household or workplace where there a multiple individuals there will be a turn over of emotional energy. Our capacities are all very different both as you say Darkshine in what we can give but importantly what we can take.

 

When we did the training exercise there were loads of points we could draw from it, but the main one was that a little and often was the way to go in transfaring liquid around. Having lived in a house with a number of kids in our care I would say very much that this is the strategy that works best. Sometimes when we put a lot of emotional energy into one individual we often over do things and wast our resources and then something else always seems to come along and we have nothing to give. In these situations there is often a lot of frustration which can develop on both sides.

 

If I have learn't anything from the exercise it would be two things which I feel are very interconnected. Firstly that we always need to keep something back for ourselves. When we are on empty we are no use to anyone and we never know what is awaiting us around the next blind corner of life. The second point is that we can develop self perception that we are a 'good' person if we are constantly giving. I think if we are like this we need to be very aware as you hightlight that we do not go around trying to offload energy on individuals when they simply are not capable of taking things on board because they are simply full up with their own emotional stuff. I think there are people like this who thrive on a turn over of emotions in their own lives and need a third party to execute this. I know I can be like this at times and I have to be aware of this fault.

 

My experience is that many troubled kids are not capable of taking things on board. Often they are full of negative emotion. They have also often experienced periods in their lives when they have been completely empty and they have a great fear of going back into this state and so what they do knowing their own vessel is full, they cap it off. There is an element of comfort in this action. In the training exercise we would demonstrate this by putting cling film over the surface to show that no matter how hard you try you will not get any of your own emotional energy into them because of the barrier they have created, sometimes we are not even aware this barrier is in place if we do not look closely. In such situations we can get really frustrated as we think we are doing a lot of good because of our intentions but in reality we are wasting our time and energy. What we are better working on is finding ways to safely remove the cling film and to then provide supportive environments so that individuals can offload a lot of their negative stuff from their own vessel to create some extra capacity in thier own lives. I have found that this emptying out process can be very messy and difficult but once you are through it these kids are really receptive to taking on board a lot of what you have to give. Often I have found that it is only when we see the result of the offload that we start to understand how much capacity these individuals really have. I have come across kids who you would be lucky to exchange any emotional energy with for quite an extended time when they have come into our care. However months down the line when they have reached a stage where they are ready to heal their wounds they can very easily bleed you dry, and you have to be self protective and very carefull that they do not.

 

When i saw the exercise it made a lot of sense and has continued to do so. The final point I will make is that we do have different capacities, but I feel this is something which develops as a result of our experiences. I feel there are lots of individuals who develop their own capacity levels often with a backdrop of a lot of negative things in their lives. I strongly believe that these individuals once they have turned their lives around have the ability to live very full lives in the main based on positive emotional experiences. Many of the very troubled and closed kids we worked with have developed into wonderfull loving and open adults which does not surprise me.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[darkshine]

So do you think that we can have different containers for different things?

 

Like emotionally - my container has cling film over it a lot of the time cuz if I were to let everything out it would drown people and I have found this to be true with people I know - they can't handle it - I found this a long time ago so don't bother sharing all that much any more.

 

But when it comes to planning life stuff like bills and what not - I have a yoghurt pot in comparison.

 

But if I were to plan something I understand then that thinking would be like having a pond.

 

And in the social world I have a teaspoon.

 

Just a couple of examples but does it work like that? That we can different capacities for different facets of life.... Cuz when I compare myself to someone I can see that our capacities differ in different ways.

[LancsLad]

In my own mind I see the container simply representing emotional capacity, and as such I think we have but one container. I think that when it comes to skills and abilities in functional areas of life they might run differently. I do however think that when out emotional container is not stable then we very often struggle to function with everyday tasks on a general scale though some things might be easier to acomplish than others based on our experience.

 

I think the interesting thing I have seen in kids in our care and then thought about in respect to myself that a lot of the time it might not really matter if the emotional content which fills our container is particularly positive or not. I think there is also a tendancy once the container is full of negative emotions to simply cap it of in a way and hold on to the contents. My experience of kids like this is that they can function pretty well on a day to day basis though there is very little in the way of anything positive in their lives. If you manage to get through this cap and they offload a lot of this negative emotion they can become very unstable for quite some time and a lot of functional elements tend to go out of the window.

 

I think as human being we tend to struggle when the emotional levels are moving up and down a lot. I think there are people who have real problems with trying to find a degree of emotional stability in their lives. I can think of people I have met who are always looking for status, and adulation, want to be spending money and partying all the time. For me they are contantly trying to fill their containers with emotional positives but are often not very functional and posibly in a state of denial. In contrast it is easier to culturaly target the depressed individual as having something wrong with them when in truth though there might not be a lot of joy in their lives they might be pretty functional and stable for a lot of the time.

 

Personally I feel that the answer is in being self aware and taking responsibility for balancing our own emotional states. If we are to achieve this then I think it is fair to recognise that emotions come in all shapes and forms and will all be appropriate to certain situations. If we can live in the context of our lives and take on board a range of emotional states I feel we may come close to healthy mental states of mind and personal well being. I think the issues arrise when we are not aware of our own emotional capacities and are living lifestyles which place us in a constant state of emotional flux.

 

Just a few thoughts.

[darkshine]

I think you are right in what you have said here - but I think we have containers for everything too (now that I've thought about it) and if we take your assertion that if our emotions are not stable we do not function so well - then yes it makes sense.

 

But if you think about it there's more to life than just emotional capacities. There's so many other areas in life that can effect people and I think your container example can be an easier way for people to think about it. I'm not saying emotional context has no impact - I think it does have an impact - but I also think that when dealing with people as someone with AS particularly when there are quite often misunderstandings and stuff, it can help if we view people as having containers for different things.

 

My house mate - if I talk to him about certain things he has the depth and holding capacity of something very very small and I often have to try and figure out when to shut up or he gets overloaded and then becomes angry or tense - which is like me when I go outside or socialise - I have little capacity for it and I run out of reserves.

 

Its like taking a leap from one example to another much broader one LancsLad - its like seeing so much like the way you describe but in a massive leap onwards from it as there's more goes on with people than just emotions, and in certain circumstances then it could be useful to view people as having containers for different things and then when they get tired, cranky, angry or whatever with us then we can see how they might have filled their thinking container or their talking one or their honest one.