smileyK Report post Posted June 20, 2012 Whatever I seem to do in my eyes nothing ever match up completely what I want reality to be I seem to be forever searching something I know can't have or never truly exist within myself but still yet I yearn crave strive all time to feel inside like complete waste of space failure let down disappointment everyday crushes me quite literally inside out I don't know if AS perfectionism coming through shining and low self esteem clashing together to make this negative combination ... Years of bullying lack of support through years late diagnosis all adds up I suppose this situation now leading to I think " everyone" I mean everyone parents , work girls hate me with passion perfect example of classic paranoia ??? And self hatred for like mirror reflection back I self believe everyone out get me hate me let me down is it all me In my head? Please let me know this is pure paranoia craziness madness going on? X everyone tells me I'm too hard on myself put too much pressure on me which makes everything so much more difficult harder in situation gain control , manage/cope with appropriately successfully feel so stupid silly ! Just trying work through thoughts I have is true reality or my AS thoughts making my head spin? I feel have to explain or say sorry for every little thing situation even if nothing wrong especially at work so stressful / anxious draining Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 20, 2012 I feel so disconnected in many ways everyday ... All feel is worry dread it's awful want curl up somewhere pretend I don't " exist" is this me as usual thinking too much once again ? Free play / flow at work has left nursery no real guidelines structure routine sent kids / staff in mayhem ! Gr! Worst nightmare isn't making feel any " better" " brighter" in myself kids are confused using this system now in place there own advantage as no real action consequences nothing ... Big hole gap everyone lost! Finding such struggle grasp! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
A-S warrior Report post Posted June 21, 2012 (edited) the only real failure in life, is the failure to try. all you can ever do is your best. btw your username is very ironic and misleading, you dont smile much at all lol. Edited June 21, 2012 by A-S warrior Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 21, 2012 Btw I hide behind fake smile behind closed doors it suc different picture/ story!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sa Skimrande Report post Posted June 21, 2012 I am seeing a lot of depression there to include paranoia, I know because I get it too when the depression is at it's rawest, but am also seeing AS perfectionism and the driving oneself too hard and expecting too much, but of the perfectionism at what level do we expect, sure everyone is different, but I understand my personal level of perfectionism is when I am happy with the results, which tends to be far higher than NT expectations, so what is the answer apart from the NT answer, give oneself a break, we can't or at least find it very difficult, perhaps because we know we are different and so have to work harder to fit in, not knowing our working harder is far above the majority of the unaffected. But as to the work girls have they said they hate you or is it you feel that, because if the latter then that is part of depression and so probably a bit extreme but depression is an illness and so therefore not right thinking. But if it is the hate is voiced, do you know why, if it is because you don't quite fit in, do they know you have AS and can they liken that AS to someone's kids who are also diagnosed with this curse, that being how they treat an adult with AS is with the same contempt they would treat a child. Oh btw to whoever is lurking, rant ; There really does need to be some professional help with adult AS, as there are many people suffering and being ignored in this so called caring society, the total lack of care is an insult to us and indicative of people in it for the money only not how they can help ease someone's pain. Remember all those children you are all interested in helping, guess what, they turn into adults at 18 then you forget all about them because you don't have the funding and we all know medical professionals are in it for the money not the care, how far you have fallen. But with other things that are happening in this country, government attacks on your pensions, you won't get public support by upsetting the public because the public is made up of many who you conveniently forget about, yes, those with AS who struggle to survive having been given a diagnosis with no support. You want our support, you be something worthwhile to us, show a bit of care, as you lot are the ones that can force funding bodies to take note and release your money to care for the uncared for. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 21, 2012 I think work girls situation is down to my depression finding it dificult get through minute by minute hour by hour day by day! Try forcing down the depression swallowing it down in one feel bad guilty thinking everyone hates me thinking I'm nuisance burden etc! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 21, 2012 Yes work girls know I voice hate because I don't feel ever fit in at all like glass wall up and I'm banging on it no one can hear or see me at all! the paranoia anxiety and depression totally freaks me completely out! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sa Skimrande Report post Posted June 21, 2012 You know what it is that ails you the most then, if it is the depression and anxiety is so difficult, perhaps you should seek medical help and if you are already doing so, perhaps the medics need to think again as one size does not fit all, see them again. My experience of people we assume dislike us is not often the case, sure they may become annoyed with us because of the way we can be sometimes, but many, perhaps most are compassionate enough to understand someone is not having a good time, but they do not know what to do, so they keep away. Others that form tight knit little groups to bolster each other up are well just sad, but nothing on their own, they are to be pitied not envied. But if you are managing to stay in employment given what you are going through, a massive kudos to you ! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 21, 2012 I'm in process of seeking help going see weight nurse at doctors tomorrow so maybe brave approach issue with her if not book doctors appointment next week I'm just do fed up drained tired of fighting non stop! Had enough! Emotionally mentally feel so weak like caving in! Not good! Xxx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 22, 2012 Manage to tell weight nurse she booked in see doctor Thursday morning at half ten she reckons I need see doctor showing early classic signs of depression told her how feel so tired drained at work my friend coming with me to appointment but if my friend couldn't make it weight nurse said shed come in with me for support I broke down in tears today in her appointment I just feel so silly such a fraud moaning all time crying no stop! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aspiemumto1 Report post Posted June 23, 2012 Im glad you are finally seeing your GP and that you have been able to open up to the nurse. Be honest with the doctor about how you feel, dont leave anything out, and dont feel silly either. The doctor cant help you properly unless you tell them everything that is going on. Good luck and let us know what happens x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 24, 2012 Keep getting tempted to pull out cancel though don't whether I'm scared worried nervous mixture all three feelings/ emotions that I feel if I sit back and wait once again it go varnish disappear! Maybe just holiday next Saturday for two weeks recharge my battery energy levels zapped running on empty low maybe that what doctor ordered instead of using medication! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
trekster Report post Posted June 24, 2012 My counseller is amazing, she helps clients on the ASD and abuse spectrums. i can highly recommend her. Also standard anti depressants have the opposite effect for me. i tried mirtazapine and ended up with more angry depression than before! Have you tried emailing the NAS helpline? I would seriously try and see if you can get the sensory book i recommended on the OCD/SPD thread, side effects of untreated sensory stuff include mental health problems. Part of the problem is working out what you can control and what you can't control. Working out what your legal rights are has helped me http://www.equalityhumanrights.com/ . Do you have any holiday leave coming up or that needs using? i have a short time in the summer for me (autscape), the rest of the time i plough myself into my work. This year i have decided to take 10 days annual leave and mine is volunteer work, people dont understand why contacting me about social groups is a really bad idea during the weekends or bank holidays. i have severe enduring mental health problems, i go from wishing i could hide in my bed (living with others makes that so much harder) to bouncy and happy. Can you remember a time in your life when you were happy? Is it possible for you to go back to that time? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 24, 2012 (edited) I don't get " holiday leave" as on any contract at my work my job title " bank staff" my sumner holiday is on Saturday two weeks in turkey with parents and twin brother! Maybe that's what I need! need batteries recharged as running on empty flat got nothing left give anyone! Feel like can't get nothing right at moment! So emotional crying all time non stop! Feel bad guilty! Can't wait get away escape from it all! Really don't what to do anymore for the best feel like running out of options that haven't tried! No can't think back any real true time I felt happy at least in last three years anyway ! Get headaches lot feeling sick restless jittery my head screaming at me! Feel so miserable black struggling with myself my thoughts can't run away from nd wish I could right now! I went on holiday turkey few years back went back to bed as tired fed up depression gets you wherever and cried myself to sleep each night! Even when suppose be having fun enjoy it grabs me when it likes! Im fed up had enough chasing services help/support me so confusing as. No one gets whos doing what job! So really had enough give up! Haven't got energy anymore fight back find out what is happening ! rang social worker at MHT receptionist asked for my contact telephone number gave her mobile number she said I get her ring me back as she suppose ring me last week as she had chase up where source of my care package coming from! Whether she was one now taking over instead care manager " supporting" care needs ( word used loosely!) can see why had enough feel like giving up?! Edited June 24, 2012 by smileyK Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 24, 2012 I don't feel it is possible go back when feel happy inside !!! Try so hard pick myself up try not moan grumble as people worse off than me like twin brother who's deaf blind he happy go lucky all time hard ever sad cries depressed but in my life total opposite find so tough feel like no service/ team wants take responsibility for me and care needs! No one knows where put me how treat me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 26, 2012 I've been told the doctor I'm seeing on Thursday morning speaks and understands little English so really extra nervous scared now so will need weight nurse go in with me! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Aspiemumto1 Report post Posted June 27, 2012 Good luck for tomorrow SmileyK. Make sure the nurse is available to go in with you and tell them everything thats going on, its the only way they can help you. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smileyK Report post Posted June 27, 2012 My best friend said she can meet me there at doctors surgery go in with me!!! So anxious / scared/nervous about this appointment as been prior warned about language barrier may prevent me from explaining myself correctly !!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Sa Skimrande Report post Posted July 2, 2012 (edited) Okay probably too late to say, but I will say it anyway as it may help in future or indeed help others ; A week before longer or shorter before a doctors visit write down what the problem is, the longer the baseline the better as each day we are different and we can modify what we have written, that way we can get a general idea of what it is we want to say. But not stopping there, create yourself a speech of sorts with headings of key points as an aide memoire and take it with you and use it. Doctors generally understand this approach as their interest is doing their job not listening to someone gibber as most do including myself resulting in difficulties for both parties and dissatisfaction as a result. If that is a problem and verbal communication is not your thing, write the doctor a letter and give it to them, with words in front of them they will question if they don't understand. As let's understand communication is not our strong point, so we have to make extra effort to make ourselves understood, the onus is on us as we are the minority......( so far). But AS aside most doctors report patients cannot communicate their need when they get their long awaited five minutes, the term 'gibber' is very apt in this case. But I also am a perfectionist and it is me that causes my problems through being too hard on myself, but I know no other way, I try to work at a level lower than my abilities and I get bored and then the nastiness comes. Edited July 2, 2012 by Sa Skimrande Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
