Whose the adult?

[kazzdt]

Do any of you have trouble not reacting to hurtful comments made by your child. Sam regularly speaks abusively to us and whilst he always reprimanded for the things he says, sometimes I just feel I won't be able to stop myself trying to make hurtful comments back. I feel so very guilty.

 

I mean who's the child here, I'm supposed to be the adult. For example, Sam will say he really hates me or he doesn't want to be in this family anymore, or worse (At the weekend, Dads birthday and told him 'I'd rather eat dod poo than be your son - Happy Birthday Dad!!)

 

First he's told not to say such things, maybe has a privelage withdrawn or gets a cross on his behaviour chart. (but by now he's got nothing to lose) then he goes on and I ignore him. Then I ignore him some more. Then he still goes on and I'll say 'I can live with that'. Then he still goes on and on and I want to scream at him that I don't feel that great about him either - but I don't. I just carry on with my insides shreiking (*!?@~*!!), 'whatever Sam.' Usually

 

But every now and then I just can't hold it in. 'I don't care how you feel about me' I say (of course I really really do!), Sometimes I don't like you very much either, it's ok to feel like this sometimes' ( not bad, I'm doing OK) 'Maybe if you don't like this family we'll see if we can get you put with another one!! (Gone too far now, Sam , me feeling like the most 'bleep' mother. Why can't I rise above it, why oh why can't I keep it together. How can I expect to control his behaviour if I can't control my own?

 

 

Kazz

[Guest flutter]

been there done that and got the T

but we live with soo much and get on with it so i suppose we get to a point where it is too much. We answer regret it beat ourselves up and then vow not to do it again

BUT we are human, and not perfect, well i not

so dont beat self up!!! have a wee

and look to tomorrow as a 'nother start

take care

Cx

[carolinew]

I sympathise soooo much with what you're saying but from a slightly different view point!!!. My daughter had decided that i'm the one who can make everything right and that if i'm around all is right with the world. The trouble starts if I go out and she is at home with her dad and brother. She is verbally and pysically abusive to both of them and says suchhurtful things to her dad it makes me want to cry. Dave,my husband feels very wounded by her words so I then end up having to sort out my daughter and my husband when I come home. I sometimes feel its not worth tyring to go out

[lil_me]

I get these regular,along with I need to kill myself, or constant I'm leaving, appointment at CAHMS tomorrow regarding this and his self harm so I know how you feel, I'm just praying they have some answers because I've ran out of ideas, so all I can send is a big <'>

Edited July 13, 2005 by lil_me

[Gordie]

I've had to listen to one of the NT daughters of my driving instructor friend give her equally-NT mother loads of abuse before.

 

Her mother is used to that sort of abuse though, knowing she doesn't really mean it (or so her mother says anyway). It's just an outlet for her when she's really frustrated about something - a way to release her feelings. So her mother just ignores it, accepts it and carries on with whatever she's doing at the time.

 

Being the first time I'd heard it myself though, I took it to heart. I care immensely about my driving instructor friend - she's my best friend on the planet. I care about her more than anyone in my family. So to have to listen to that, which was a constant barrage of high-pitched screeching as well, was very upsetting to me, and I wasn't even the subject of the abuse.

 

I tried hard to hold it in and not make it obvious that it had upset me, but I couldn't - it just left me feeling down for the rest of the few hours we had together that day. It was really tough. I was close to tears, but couldn't go beyond that - not with the kids around, and a load of builders for good measure.

 

But anyway, just to say that this sort of behaviour is not unique to kids with an ASD. So I don't know how you parents cope with it, being the subject of your children's abuse.

 

James

[hev]

i could have written that post kazz it was so much like me!i find myself having a full scale row with steve which i know is not right but when he goes on all day i lose it in the end then it all gets even worse as its a vicious circle.

im getting better though,i ignore the majority of it but i find it awful in front of other people,you are not alone kazz,im insulted daily also!

[Viper]

Well said James, both my NT daughters have told me on a few occasions that they hate me as has my AS son but on the other hand my AS daughter has never said it

When they are so angry they say anything they think will hurt most. As the saying goes, you always hurt the ones you love.

 

When my children say these things I just turn it round on them and say "well I don't like who you are right now either but I will always love you."

 

It seems to stop them in their tracks, they are still angry but seem to stop the abuse.

 

The thing I find hard is when my AS son is upset and I can't comfort him. Yesterday for example, he was out playing with his sister and some friends when he got upset (no one seems to know why, it happens a lot), he came in screaming and growling and when I asked him what was wrong he just screeched in my face "Shut up, leave me alone" He carried on growling and throwing things, (dice from his game and screwing up the money) I could not get through to him until he was ready. It is so heart breaking to watch him go through this without giving him a hug to comfort him.

 

Viper.

[frances-mary]

Isn't it great to know its not only your children that think you are the worst Parent on the planet !!!!

 

I find it so hard to egnor the verbal and phisical abuse I get and yet at the same time convey that I don't condone such launguage and behaviour just because I am trying (not always succseeding) not to escalate the situation by responding.

 

Wine and chocholate certainly help, and clinging to the fact that they may say they want you dead and out of their lives but who would do their washing!!!!

 

xxxxxMary

[baddad]

Nothing unusual going on here. Ben tells me he hates me almost as much as he tells me he loves me, that his life is cr*p much more often than he tells me how much fun he's having, and that I'm the worst dad in the world about the same as i'm the best. If it's any consolation, I heard the girl two doors away (NT) telling her dad the other day; "I hate You, I really hate you". He was (as we all are in the begining) completely blase about it, so she added; "I'm not just saying it to upset you, you know, I really, really mean it"... And just in case your wondering, she's not one of those kids, she's actually OK most of the time

As for 'who's the grown up?' - In our house it's hard to tell most of the time...Sometimes I do mess up, really badly. When i do, Ben gets the same respect from me I expect from him; an apology at some point and an explanation that adults can mess up too. As far as the other stuff goes, that's just casual dialogue in our house.

If Ben says, "I hate living here", I'll offer to pay the rent on a flat for him

If Ben says, "You're the worst Dad ever", I'll offer to help him write an ad in the paper to find a new one.

If Ben says... Well, you get the picture...

As far as 'I hate you' goes, my stock answer is; "I NEVER hate you, but there are times when I don't like you very much, and i think we just got to one of them".

L&P

BD