how do I stop the screaming?

[elemental85]

My daughter is just 4 and waiting to see our local core diagnostic team, we also have a 4 month old who has just found her voice. No matter what our youngest does, our eldest feels the need to copy her and will scream and scream and scream! She thinks it's funny to scream, it's not out of temper or frustration. We have tried every tactic we can think of and everything that our Portage consultant said to try but she won't stop. She does not lack for attention, we still do all the same things with her that we did before baby was born. I sometimes feel like I am neglecting my baby as she doesn't behave as well for dad but I am busy doing things with my eldest. Dad can't stand this behaviour to the point where he has to leave the house as even when we separate her from the baby, she continues to make a lot of noise. At times like this I have to try and cope by myself. She only does it at home thankfully but it's driving me to tears and I can easily see myself slipping back into depression because I can't cope with this. She also has a tendency to poke, slap and hit the baby in the face. At first we put it down to curiosity and have been teaching her to be gentle and that baby isn't like her dolly but it's getting to a point where you can see in her face that she knows exactly what she's doing and when you tell her off, she does it again and you have to physically take her away from the baby to stop her. I have voiced my concerns to our community paediatrician who advised me to speak to our Portage consultant and I have also told the doctor who has referred her to the core diagnostic team as she is also very aggressive towards myself and occasionally towards her dad and my mum.

 

Any tactics or advice would be very very greatfully recieved!!!

[hollypoppy]

I really feel for you, especially when you are being left alone to cope with all this. It's a hard job in itself having a young baby, let alone trying to deal with your elder child's behaviour. Have you explained to your husband how upset it's making you? I know from experience how depression can creep in when you have a baby and a young child with challenging behaviour. Could she be screaming partly due to not being able to cope with/process the extra noise the baby is making. Maybe the poking, slapping etc is an attempt to stop the crying? It's only a suggestion, but what about explaining to your daughter that it's OK to scream but if she does it will need to be in another room or outside. Our educational psychologist told us once that if you try to stop a particular behaviour, it often gets replaced by another - it's a gamble what the "replacement behaviour" could be, whether it's better or worse!!

 

I don't know if what I've said is any help, but hopefully you'll gets lots of suggestions on here, and remember you're not alone xxx

[Sally44]

What I did with my son was I would copy back to him what he was doing to me.

I would also give an exaggerated reaction to what he was doing.

So if he was screaming I would cover my ears and react like it was very painful and say something like "stop" or "too loud". No long conversation. Just one or two words. My son did get it and did stop it. It depends on the extent to which the child can put themselves in your shoes. For a child that cannot do that, the reaction might be that they find your behaviour funny.

But try that. A very clear over exaggerated response to her screaming. Cover your ears, say something like "stop screaming" or "too loud" and if she does not stop leave the room [as an example that this behaviour makes you want to get away].

 

My son also used to bite me. And I did bite him back, just once, not very hard, but hard enough for it to hurt him. I'm sure lots would not recommend that. But he never bit me again.

 

Another tactic is distraction. My son used to vomit alot with anxiety [and his anxiety would get raised at putting toys away, turning off the TV etc, so vomit was a way of life for some years. But what helped was to distract him by singing, dancing, clapping my hands so that his focus was taken off what was going to bother him. So if she screams trying singing her name loudly, dancing, taking her by the hand and dancing with her.

 

Another tactic. If she screams, sit down next to her and scream at her to the same volume and see what her reaction is. If she does not like it, that may also work. But if she has sensory processing difficulties and her processing is under sensitive, she may actually enjoy the screaming sound. So you may need to find other ways of her getting that kind/level/volume of sound input in another way. How about wooden spoons on saucepans? Or letting her push the vaccum cleaner around [ASD kids either love or hate the sound of vaccumn cleaners].

 

She is getting something out of this. She maybe copying the baby because that is something she sees gets attention. Is she talking herself, and does she understand when you ask her questions or give her directions/instructions. For example, my son was speaking, but if I asked him a question like "what is the man doing" [whilst looking at a picture of a man washing his blue car], my son would reply 'blue'. Which demonstrated he was not answering or understanding my question. But was attempting to communicate and give me some information.

 

Get something like an outdoor trampoline and let her work off some energy on that. And take turns between you and your partner. Is she at nursery? Extend that time if she is doing well there.

 

Does she like watching TV and DVDs. If so, put on a DVD for her to watch if that distracts and quietens her.

[A-S warrior]

my mother would always get on the phone to father christmas when i acted up, worked everytime!

[Mannify]

Our son used to hurt his sister relentlessly. It was very painful to see someone I love as much as my daughter being hurt so much by someone I love as much as my son. My daughter began to cry silently, the way abused children do. Even my presence couldn't stop it. It stopped the day we brought our dog home. His fixation with hurting his sister had been redirected towards stroking Lola. I'm not saying the answer's in a dog, but I do think the whole thing offers the hope that something may come along which entirely alters the situation for you. This isn't inevitably how it'll always be.