Advice please, does my sister have Aspergers?

[girldave]

Hi there,

 

I was wondering whether anyone out there had some advice for me about Aspergers Syndrome. I have quite a few friends with AS, but it's a very varied condition, and I would appreciate some advice from a wider community. I'm new to this forum, and after reading some posts, I felt this would be a safe place to launch my query.

 

My sister is a lovely, wonderful and incredibly caring person, but recently I'm starting to wonder if her eccentricities and social awkwardness are more than just that.

 

I don't want to go into too much detail and bore you, so I'll just list a few things that have led me to believe that she may have Aspergers:

 

- She is very socially awkward and finds interaction with others very difficult. She doesn't get too stressed about it, but she has often said she would like to have more friends and people to hang out with and that she does get lonely. She currently has few friends at university. I'd say she sometimes has difficulty maintaining conversation with people she knows, and huge difficulties initiating conversation with new people.

 

- She's quite naive, her actions and maturity seem to be closer to that of a young adolescent than a twenty year old. She loves cartoons in quite a child-like way, and her sense of humour seems quite young as well.

 

- Her common sense is lacking somewhat. Last night I asked her to throw away spoilt yoghurt, but to stop it spilling over the inside of the bin, I asked her to dispose it in a plastic bag. Instead of using an old, supermarket bag, she bizarrely got a fresh, expensive, food storage bag that was too small to contain the pot properly. Little things like that are a regular occurrence. She'll leave spills out on the surface not out of laziness, but just lack of thought. Her bedroom is messy, but she calls it organised mess, and I believe her.

 

- She has been diagnosed with dyspraxia, her movements are clumsy and she sometimes has a weird gait and has rigid gesticulations.

 

- She's very intelligent, but her intelligence manifests itself mainly in the regurgitation of facts and opinions she has heard. She has an amazing memory, and loves quoting tv and films. If I try to quote something she knows already incorrectly, she'll have to correct me.

 

- She has been called tactless by our mother. I think this is harsh, but there are times when she does speak without thought.

 

- Her priorities are very different from the average 20 year old. She has no idea about current trends in fashion or pop culture. This is in no way a criticism, it's merely an observation. She is very keen on languages and drawing cartoons. She devotes the majority of her time to these pursuits.

 

- Sometimes has difficulty understanding social cues when interacting with others. I think she sometimes has difficulty reading the atmosphere in a room, a particularly when working with people her age. She had a lot of difficultly living with her flat last year, got very angry about their sloppiness, refusing to accept that it was part of a fresher lifestyle. She didn't have to put with it obviously, but it was her inability to understand why students are like this that got me thinking. She sometimes doesn't realise when I'm not in the mood to talk about something either.

 

 

Please understand that she is a very sweet and understanding person. She's by far and above the loveliest person in my life. The reason I ask now is that in a couple of months we will be sharing a flat together, just by ourselves. Little things about her personality that were hardly noticeable before are now irritating me, and I realise this is due to my fear of living alone with her. I feel as if I am going to be responsible for someone who seems to be maturing very slowly for her age, and this is of concern to me as I'm not particularly mature myself. I'm 18 months older than her.

 

If I found out this was a condition that she had, I think I'd have more patience. But as it is, I'm snapping at her all the time and finding myself getting very angry and irritated with every little thing she does. I know it's nerves, but I'm not sure what to do. I hate treating her like this, I'm acting like a bully. She puts up with it, but I can tell it is really hurting her. I haven't spoken to my parents about my concerns, but I will if I felt that there was something to it.

 

So any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading this far!

[robert7111a]

Hi girldave

 

Yes social awkwardness, difficulty initiating/maintaining conversations, difficulty interpreting social cues etc are hallmarks of AS. Does your sister really have no idea about current trends/pop/fashion etc or is she just not interested? This can be another typical trait of AS but of course there are some NT people who aren't interested either. But perhaps this could be to do with her naiveity - how does she dress?

 

As you're going to be living with her, having a little understanding about AS will help you to cope with her eccentricities better. But she is at an age where she is responsible for herself so don't feel you should take on the responsibility yourself. By all means give her help/guidance etc and be there for her.

 

 

You will find a lot of help/advice on this forum and feel free to introduce her to us if she so wishes.

[darkshine]

Hi

 

There's the NAS website that gives a degree of explanation

 

http://www.autism.or...r-syndrome.aspx

 

And then there's a book that I'd recommend that does a better job

 

http://www.amazon.co...43927809&sr=8-1

 

You could probably borrow it from your local library - and if they don't have it - you can ask if they can order it from any library in the county (which may take a couple of weeks to a month) depending on who has it and if it's lent out.

 

Best

 

Darkshine

[Isobel]

Yes, she is. You were describing her but it might as well have been me.

[girldave]

Thank you all so much for your replies! It means a lot.

 

@robert7111a - she definitely has an awareness of pop culture. she seems to want to reject whatever interests her peer group, but I think this is partly a coping mechanism as she associates it with the kind of people who seem to reject her. Furthermore, whenever she has taken an interest in the past, she hasn't understood how to follow a trend properly. And I agree, I think if I felt this was a condition she had I would perhaps understand and treat her better. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

 

@darkshine - thank you very much for the links! The first one was some really interesting reading, and confirmed my suspicions a bit more!

 

@Isobel - I have quite a few AS friends who seem to be very similar to my sister. All of them are wonderful people, and I have noticed them to be some of the kindest and most conscientious people as well. My sister has the purest heart and soul, and I hope that she starts to realise just how amazing she is so she will have more confidence when interacting with people.

[darkshine]

If I found out this was a condition that she had, I think I'd have more patience. But as it is, I'm snapping at her all the time and finding myself getting very angry and irritated with every little thing she does. I know it's nerves, but I'm not sure what to do. I hate treating her like this, I'm acting like a bully. She puts up with it, but I can tell it is really hurting her. I haven't spoken to my parents about my concerns, but I will if I felt that there was something to it.

 

So any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you for reading this far!

 

You are welcome for the links

 

You said "any advice appreciated" so I would like to offer some...

 

Regardless of whether your sister has Aspergers syndrome (AS) or not - sometimes we have to understand that everyone is different. My brother has a lot of signs of autism - more severe than me (I have AS) but my brother does not have a diagnosis for this. My brother is one of the most irritating people I know - it doesn't make any difference to me if he has autism or AS or not, he's my brother, my feelings do not change - I either have patience for him or I don't. I know his quirks and his annoyances, I know what sets him off and I know what can calm him down, I know when to get out of his way.

 

I haven't spoken to him for a long while, we lost contact when he moved, but my point is, when I spoke to him and saw him more regularly I had patience for him a lot of the time, he is who he is, a label doesn't change that, and I certainly wouldn't use a label to explain away his behaviours (even though the label of autism or AS does explain a lot of his behaviours).

 

I'm struggling with words a bit...

 

What I mean is that - my brother has made me angry a lot in life, the things he has done, the things he does, the way he is, actually - a lot of things about him are really damn annoying... But if I'm honest, when I used to get angry with him, I was just as angry that he couldn't just be normal, as I was angry about things he did - so it was my problem as much as his, especially since I couldn't just be normal either.

 

But I would never tell my brother what I think because it could turn his world upside down if I did it in the wrong way or at the wrong time - if he came to me and was worried about how he is then I might consider it... but only if the conversation went that way. My brother does not know about my diagnosis.

 

I'm just trying to say that sometimes the problem can be ourselves as well as our families, sometimes a person can be happy with the way they are, and also although AS as a disorder/syndrome can explain certain things, to enable understanding, it shouldn't be an excuse.

 

I think this situation needs very careful thought and I would recommend reading a lot more about AS before making any decision about what to do.

 

Regards

 

Darkshine

[SensitiveSoul]

Hi girldave,

 

Your post is a really brave post. I say that because it's clear that you care so deeply about your sister and are struggling a great deal with the fact you get angry and frustrated with her. You are incredibly articulate and describe her traits and your feelings so well. In fact you describe your sister better than I could probably describe the difficulties I have as someone with an AS diagnosis.

 

It sounds to me like you believe that your sister does have AS and you are seeking out someone to agree with you and confirm what you believe. I wish I could give you a concrete diagnosis, because it's obvious you want answers so you feel you can understand her better. However what I would say is that from what you have described about her, no-one could disagree that lots of the traits fit, and it's possible that she could well be on the spectrum.

 

Is your sister aware of the things you have described, and has anyone ever mentioned AS to her? I guess the reason I'm asking is because obviously official diagnosis of any kind would have to be down to her to seek, so its a case of is she aware or isn't she? Either way is she generally happy in her life, or is there a possibility she could need some answers herself? The point this is getting to, is to say that if she is unaware and generally happy, and not even contemplated AS, is it enough for you to just have reassurances from here that her traits sound like possible AS? Will that help you to understand her enough to be a bit more patient with her? You know, even though you do get frustrated sometimes, that's ok. As someone with AS, I wouldn't deny I can be hard to live with, but as long as people try and understand that's all I can ask. Everyone gets frustrated or loses patience at times. You don't need to feel guilty. I actually think you're being very hard on yourself saying you're 'acting like a bully'. Its clear you love your sister to pieces and you just want to do right by her. There are lots of options and things you can do, depending on how both you and her feel. Whatever happens she is so lucky to have such a brilliant sister as she has in you. I wish my family were half as understanding as caring as you are.

 

If you're confused about what to do, or want to talk through any options or anything feel free. I'm not an expert but I'm happy to be around and try and help if I can

[smileyK]

i was officially diagnosed with Clumsy Child Syndrome ( now known as Dyspraxia) in juniors school childhood can't remember how old i was exactly but SENCO and paedtrician both believed in their opinions i didn't show enough 'traits/signs' to be diagnosed with anything at all my mum 'pushed/shoved' for an assessment to be done and it was proven i did fit dyspraxia completely of what was described difficulties and struggles in skills /physical development .

 

SENCO /paed also like many back in my years of growing up in childhood blamed parents being 'too overprotective' always knew something else hiding behind the scenes in the background something didn't 'add up' make sense everything was always confusing frustrating hard work/effort tiring always pushing me tears making me feel scared emotionally weak only found out discovered what missing answer of jigsaw was start of my early teens (14 yrs old) i was happy to begin with then depression set in thick and fast! ended up on medication! (anti-depressants)

 

dyspraxia can be obvious physicially showing sometimes than A.S does A.S takes it time to add up appear normally gets found makes sense around teens early adulthood like others said on here what you have explained is likelyhood possiblity of A.S being present but is your sister aware of her difficulties/struggles? is she happy/contented? does it majorlly impact or affect her life?

 

XKLX